What I wish had happened right after Losing my Religion.Addek all the way.

Will update as soon as possible, there are definitely more chapters.My first ever fic, so pleeease review!

He watches Stevens walk defeatedly down the hospital staircase ,Karev and O 'Malley not too far behind but not too close;her grief is palpable, an impenetrable force field.

Behind him ,Addison 's voice "I guess that puts an end to the evening. "

It's not over though ,not yet, not for him.

He turns,watches Richard and Bailey and Addison walk away ,his wife's hand on the Chief's shoulder.

She's that person,he thinks to himself.Always has been.

Stoic ,calm.Matter of fact.

Takes care of things, no show of emotions, Montgomery traits to a fault.

He turns back,sees he's left with Meredith and Finn.

She should go with Izzie,he thinks distractedly, Izzie needs someone tonight, and Meredith should be there.

Yet here she is ,looking fron him to Finn, then back,and settles on him.

Walk away ,Shepherd, walk away he tell s himself .

Finn is the better man.

Let her go.Walk away.

Walk away,Derek,it's what you do best.

( Damn it Addison, get out of my head.)


They walk down the corridor to Richard's office after Stevens has left,her and Bailey and Richard.

She's trying desperately to ignore the little tableau playing out behind them,Grey trying to choose between McDreamy and McVet.

(The things these interns come up with. A year ago she would've teased Derek mercilessly but now,well...)

It shouldn't matter to her,really it shouldn't. She should walk away she thinks,be a better person. A bigger person.

She's already hurt Derek enough.

She'll be a bigger person in the morning though,because right now it just hurts too much.

She leaves Richard in his office with Bailey to sort out tonight's mess and as she clicks across the catwalk in her heels she sees Grey leaving .With the vet.

(What IS his name , she can't remember for the life of her.)

Who cares anyway ,she thinks, and her heart leaps with joy as she sees Derek alone in the entranceway, plummets when she tracks his gaze to Grey's retreating back.

(You deserve it,you deserve it.)

Silently they cross the parking lot in the soft drizzling rain and get into Derek 's car. It smells like wet dog-Doc she thinks absently ,with the faintest tinge of sadness.

(McDog is dead isn't that some sort of stupid sign oh my god Addison stop it stop being awful he was just a dog )

For a heavy silent moment they just sit there ,then Derek pulls out onto the road and drives them home.

(Ugh trailer)

"I buried Doc .Over there in that clearing ."

She startles a little at his voice ,breaking the frozen silence.

"That's nice...that's what Grey wanted ,right?"



"Her name is Meredith"


He watches her lips part ,a little puff of air escape into the cold rainy night, like someone has punched her in the stomach.

"I know"she says ,and her voice is that miserable ,little- girl -lost one that has always pulled at his heart because it's so rare.

Far be it from Addison Forbes Montgomery -Shepherd to ever sound vulnerable.

In the trailer she undressed in the tiny bathroom and Derek wonders when they became ~that ~couple .

(A memory, Addison in New York, all long legs and stockings ,shimmying out of her clothes after a long day at work.His favorite kind of stress relief.)

"Derek give me your tux. I'll put it in with the dry cleaning."she's saying,her voice back to normal ,back to business.

So this is how it's going to be now,mundane domestic conversation,pretend it didn't happen, strangers living together.

The couple they swore they'd never be.

(Just sign the papers Shepherd put her out of her misery.Let her go back to him.)

He gives it to her, unknots his tie ,thinking of Meredith doing the same not half an hour ago.

Lost in thought he doesn't see Addison run her hands through his pockets -force of habit ,acquired after several washers ruined by pens and coins and once a reflex hammer - and doesn't hear her breath catch in her throat.

He does,however feel the soft black material flung in his face.

(Addison always was prone to throwing things when she was mad.)

The trailer door slams ,barely masking a sob, and moments later he hears her Mercedes pull out with a swoosh of mud and water.


Meredith 's.

"I had on panties.Black.Do you see them?"

He saw them all right.

(Way to go Shepherd, way to tell your wife you're ending it after all.)



He wakes up cramped and stiff in the trailer ,head pounding.

(Last nights punch was spiked?)

Then he sees the little black heap on the floor and it comes back to him,Addison leaving the trailer,calling her a dozen times,getting the answering machine each time.

She's taken her pager though - even at a time like this she wouldn't forget it.

He throws the damn panties in the trash and drives to work.

Addison ' s car is already in the lot,and as he strides off the elevator and onto the surgical floor he's met by furtively staring nurses and doctors.


He walks into his office in no mood to be doing surgery today.

He needs to end it with Addison, they've hurt each other enough,but he needs to stay away from Meredith.

Finn's the better man Finn 's the better man clamors in his head.

There's a pile of patient charts and letters on his desk like always but today is topped by a blue plastic folder that looks horribly familiar .

"The ball's in your court Derek.You sign ,I'll sign."

That makes it easy.

"Have you ever thought that even though I'm an adulterous bitch and Satan that I still might be the love of your life,Derek?"

That makes it hard.

She must have put it there this morning .

(Or maybe asked a nurse to do it ,that would explain the staring)

(Where was she last night...NO Derek it's none of your business you lost that right)

He opens it but then his pager goes off and he can hear several go off outside his office too.

(Must be big please please not today)

"Dr.Shepherd we have multiple incoming in the ER,pile up on the freeway, buttload of traumas ,5 minutes out" yelled Dr . Torres as she barreled past his door.

(She seems all cheerful today, has she forgotten the exam room scene from yesterday god I hope so)

Down in the ER it's controlled chaos as doctors divvy up patients and roll them off for scans and test and into trauma rooms.

Karev is his intern today,he comes at him pushing a stretcher with a blood drenched young woman at him,already spouting information .

"Dakota Brenneman ,24 years old,went through her windshield, multiple lacerations on her head neck and shoulders ,compound humerus fracture ,probable head trauma,GCS 13"

"Get her into trauma 2 ,run a trauma panel ,get a CT and type and cross match for some blood -we're going to need it " He barks at Karev ,then turns his attention to the patient on the stretcher.

She's tiny ,barely visible under the cervical collar and iv tubing and braces and blankets covering her battered body.

"Ma'am can you hear me?Don't panic , you're gonna be all right,okay?

Now squeeze my hand...follow the light..."He takes through a standard neuro work up, and is mildly dissatisfied with the results ,but not enough to warrant immediate surgery .

He'll wait for the CT.

He plunges back into the heaving ER , clears two more patients , looking all the while for either Addison or Meredith, both of whom aren't anywhere to be seen.

Back in trauma 2 ,Karev has finally got the damn CT he asked for

(20 minutes!)

and even before he can open his mouth the patient starts convulsing violently; they flip her over,careful of the tubes and leads,push drugs,and she settles in about two minutes .

Massive epidural hematoma screams the CT and he curses himself for not demanding the CT before.

"Get her to an OR -NOW" he yells but Karev is snapping at him and he can't hear over the roar of his own fear that he may have killed this woman in his ears but Karev is insistent .

(Picked it up from Addison no doubt he's been with her all week)

"DR.SHEPHERD this chick 's pregnant,do you hear me dammit she's pregnant"

Well that should just about ensure this day can't get any worse.


"Dr.Montgomery-Shepherd there's a pregnant patient in trauma 2 ,they need you to take a look before they take her up to surgery." a nurse tells her as she finishes with what she was hoping would be her last ER patient today.

She really wants to just go lie down and not THINK for a while ,not think about divorce papers missing only one signature and black lacy panties and handsome -arrogant- bastard neurosurgeons.

Maybe she'll even do some drinking.

But she obediently strips off her globes and trots into trauma 2 .

(Note to self;no heels in the ER from now on)

"Talk to me Karev " she says ,eyes on the patient, who appears to be fine except for the lacerations and fractures .Her belly tells Addison that she's about 5 months along,if that ,and she hopes it won't come to having to deliver the baby.

"...so we need to evacuate the hematoma,it's compressing the brain,she's and ready seized once."

At the word brain she looks up and of course there he is,barking orders and generally being his arrogant self.

He turns around and sees her.Freezes for a moment. Eleven years of marriage teaches you a person's quirks and tells and right now she'd bet her Manolos he's thinking his day couldn't possibly get any worse.

He gets over his little pique then and starts bombarding her with questions .

So this is how it's going to be, professional staccato questions and curt orders and pretend -we -were- never- married.

She's pleased to see Karev has at least had the brains to get a fetal monitor set up and the baby looks fine ,even on the ultra sound.

(Tiny,maybe just around 23 weeks)

"She's cleared,you can go now" she tells the iv pole as she strips off her gloves and trauma gown.

(No way is she talking to him now,of all the most humiliating things that have happened this past year last night was definitely the worst)

"Karev go with them,don't you dare take your eyes off that monitor,or you'll be on scut for a week.Page me if you need me." She can feel the nurses and techs staring at her as she strides out - wondering why she's ignoring the attending and speaking to the lowly intern.

Oh well, Shepherd marital drama has become the hospitals own soap opera this year ,might as well spice it up a bit.



"Dr. Montgomery -Shepherd there's someone in the waiting room for you".

"Uhmm hmm" she replies,as she signs the chart on what she now is fervently praying is really really her last patient.

Apparently not.

She follows the pretty little candy striper out to the waiting area and sits down in front of a clearly distraught young man.

"Dakota,my Dakota, my wife , they...they brought her here, she was in a car crash... a...a car crash and she's pregnant,oh god I can't believe what I've done ,please lady you've gotta help me." He sobs.

"Uhm,okay Mr...?"


"Okay,Mr . Brenneman, your wife is stable,pretty much,and your baby's all right.They 've taken her up to surgery because she had some bleeding in her brain and she's got some fractures and cuts,she's lost some blood but she should be just fine."

"No ,no you don't get it ,I've got to see her,right now. ..like right...right now ,I've ve got to say sorry ,what if she...she dies ...what if she dies?"

"She's not going to." she says firmly, and walks away.

(She better not,Derek)


"Suction "

He examines the surgical site once more,satisfied with his work.

"I'm going to close now...Karev how's it going over there ?"

Karev has been sitting intently in front of the fetal monitor the whole time.

(What did Addison do to the kid to get him to behave?Satan has her ways I guess.)

"Heart rate's a little slow but nothing serious" he said.


"Dr.Shepherd temps getting a little high"

"I'm almost done..."

And then all the monitors go haywire, beeps and bleats alerting them that something is very very wrong.

Usually he loves this ,the clangor of the alarms doesn't bother him ,he slips into that cool calm space in his head and he can think there , issue rational orders.

This is his element, this is where he shines.

He always has it under control.

This feels different.

"Dr.Shepherd what do you want to do? "

"I have to close I can't leave the skull flap open.Cool her down."

"She's having muscle contractions,she's getting acidotic and there's fluid building up her lungs,she's getting hard to ventilate.I'm thinking malignant hyperthermia, Dr.Shepherd ,you got to hurry up. " says the anesthesiologist.

"I AM"

"Baby's having late decels" Karev yelped,reaching for his pager.

"Dr.Shepherd her urine output since we started is low,barely 10cc."

"She's having arrhythmias"

"Pulse ox is 85"

"BPs only 60/40"

"Dr.Shepherd! "



Her pager went off in the elevator on her way out of the hospital to Joe's Bar.


She really did need to do some drinking,seeing as her marriage was over and all.

She turned around while unclipping the pager from her waist and then ran up the stairs without waiting for the other elevator when she saw what it was.

(What the hell Derek why can't you just do your job without needing me that woman had better not die or you'll have wrecked two marriages in two days and that is just too much)

When she gets to the OR the patient is crashing and she scrubs hurriedly and strides in ,takes one look at the fetal monitor and turns to the scrub nurse.

"Ten blade "

"Addison stop"

"Derek the baby is hypoxic I've got to get him out!"

"Let me finish or you'll cause her to crash even more"

"Derek there's nothing left here you've got to stop.I have five minutes to get this baby out and you're wasting time . She's gone,I'm sorry but she's gone. "

He looks up at her ,his blue eyes intense and focused.

"Addison I can't let her go I can't do it and she can hear it in his voice ,

(eleven years)

she can hear the pain and desperation.

"Derek stop,please."

"I CAN'T. When Karev went out to give the husband an update the guy broke down,he was a mess,he said that this is their first baby and he didn't know what to do or if he even wanted it and he was ...he was bored and he had an affair...an affair and he cheated on his pregnant wife and she found out.She found out and she was so mad she was driving to the airport to go to her parents place and the last thing he said to her is that he was BORED of her and so he had an affair,so NO Addison , I can't stop because that is not going to be the last thing that man says to his wife,not while I can do something about it.So BACK OFF."

It hits her then,hard,in the raw tingling spot left when he tore her heart out - he doesn't want this couple, this pair of utter strangers to end this way,but it doesn't matter that his own wife found out her marriage was over when she found a pair of panties in the pocket of a (bad )tux.

She always knew that he was idealistic and altruistic but this is too much.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd you look at me. That man has already lost his wife and the love of his life and the last thing she heard from him was that he didn't want her anymore and he is always going to believe that he as good as killed her.Its bad enough that he's going to have to live with that forever. Don't let him think he's killed his baby too,please, Derek.Please."

At this he stills his frantically working hands and slowly raises his gaze to meet hers,and he looks ,just for a heartbeat,like the real Derek,her Derek that she fell in love with.

Honorable, decent Derek,not cocky arrogant God - complex McDreamy.

And just for a heartbeat,she allows herself to think that there might just yet still be a tiny spark of hope for them.


He steps away from the patient's still open skull ,his bloodied hands held out stiffly and watches as Addison pauses for the briefest of seconds to make sure he's all right

(and not about to start yelling at her to stop cutting;it's happened before.)

Unhesitatingly she takes the proffered scalpel and swiftly makes a vertical incision in the abdomen, simultaneously dispatching a nearby resident to fetch a incubator and her NICU team and calling Karev over to assist.

She bends intently over the open abdomen, cutting and murmuring for suctioning and the bovie and retraction when she needs it.

On New York they always used to watch each other operate as often as they could,he remembers.

He remembers that Addison was the one who got the solo surgery their first year at Mt.Sinai,remembers Mark's smoldering jealousy with a chuckle.

(That OB resident is staring at him now like he's really losing it.Maybe he is.)

It was an appendectomy, and Addison had surprised no one with her flawless performance.Richard had raved for days on end,and Addison is still his star all these years later.

(In fact he suspects Richard might only have asked him to come out to Seattle to lure Addison - of -the-double-board-certification and baby saving skills out here. He certainly isn't throwing as much money at neuro as he is at neonatal .Huh.)

He watches as Addison smoothly lifts the infant - impossibly tiny and an improbable bluish colour -suctions his mouth and hands him off to her team ,who whisk him off along with Karev to the NICU.

She scrubs out and follows them as swiftly as she had come; and all the while he stands there rooted to the spot,until she turns and gives him her warm sweet genuine Addie smile, the one only he ever gets,not her Addison smile that's sophisticated and cold and distant.

(Eleven years will teach you the shades of difference in a person's smiles but this isn't her real one ,not quite,it's too...sad.Mournful.)

"It's okay to let go when you've done everything you could, Derek. Sometimes things can't be fixed and you ... you just need to let go,but you know,you always do make sure you do everything you possibly can,Derek. I always admired that about you. "

He wonders if all she was talking about was the surgery.

Maybe there's still a bit of hope,then.

Maybe they're still Derek and Addison.

Please review it means a lot even if you hated it and just want to curse me out