Hello. This is my first Harry Potter fic. It's really just a silly story to clear the cobwebs away from my rotting brain.

Disclaimer. Obviously, I don't own any of this.

~*~*~*~3 Men and a Baby~*~*~*~

"Something smells," Sirius noted as he walked into the apartment.

He sniffed around and ended up in the living room where the TV was blaring and Severus lay asleep on the couch, with a small bundle drooling on his stomach.

He was about to slap Severus awake when he heard the front door close and his friend Remus yell, "Honey, I'm home!"

Severus woke up immediately.

"Pwoar, what's that smell?" Remus asked, joining the others in the living room.

"I think it's coming from him," Severus said, glancing at the still-asleep baby on his belly. "Get him off me!"

Harry woke up, crying.

"Awww, come here, Harry," said Remus, picking him up and bouncing him in his arms. "Come to Uncle Remus."

"Yes, go to Uncle Remus," said Severus, sitting up.

"Why are you crying? Did Harry do a poopy in his nappy?" said Remus in a baby voice. Severus rolled his eyes. "I think he did! Let's get you out of this dirty nappy and give you a bath!"

The three men walked into the kitchen.

Sirius plugged the sink and filled it with warm water.

"We really need to buy a proper bath for Harry," said Remus, unhooking Harry's overalls.

"Not on the bench!" Severus whined. "Harry's bare tush has blessed every surface of this apartment!"

"Did you hear that, Harry?" Sirius asked the squealing baby. "Uncle Sevy said 'tush'!"

Harry blew a raspberry.

"Filthy, disgusting child!" Severus hissed. "One of you get dinner started. I've been cleaning and disinfecting the whole day. I'm in no mood to cook!" Severus huffed as he left them in the kitchen.

"He's sounding more and more like a suffering housewife everyday," said Remus as he put Harry into his bath.

"Did you pee on Uncle Sevy again, Harry?" said Sirius, grinning sadistically at the chubby infant.

"YES!" screamed Severus from the next room.

"High five, Harry!" Sirius engulfed the chubby hand in his own.

~*~*~*~Three Men and A Toddler~*~*~*~

"Come on, Harry! Walk to me!" prodded Sirius as he held his arms open.

Harry got up shakily. He stood for a few seconds before slightly leaning sideways, then falling on his bottom.

"Come on! If you can walk over to me, I'll burn that stupid jacket with a lamb on it that Uncle Sevy always makes you wear!" Sirius bribed.

Harry stood up again. Left foot forward.

"That's it, Harry," Sirius encouraged.

"Sa!" Harry burbled.

"Keep going!"

Right foot forward.

"Is Harry walking?" gasped Remus as he joined his friend on the floor.


"What's going on?" asked Severus as he spotted the two grown men kneeling on the floor. "Oh my god! Oh my god!" He dropped the laundry and scurried over to cheer Harry on. "You can do it! I'll give you a break from broccoli for a whole week! Come on!"

"No more wussy lamb, Harry!" added Sirius.

Harry started to stumble and veered off to the left.

"He's coming to me!" exclaimed Severus in delight.

But no, that was not the case. As soon as the words left his mouth, Harry started to walk in a circle, landing on his bottom and clapping his hands.

~*~*~*~Harry's First Day at Kindergarten~*~*~*~

"What if the other kids don't like me?" Harry asked his Uncle Remus.

"Not like you? How could that be? Did you look at yourself this morning?" said Remus, making Harry twirl in front of him.

"The girls will be all over you, mate," said Sirius, slapping him on the back and winking.

"But I don't know anyone!"

"Come on! With those red shoes and killer smile, you'll be making friends in no time!" said Remus.

"Uncle Sevy, will you stay with me?" asked Harry, taking hold of Severus' hand. "Pwease?"

"I'll come in and meet your teacher, but I can't stay, Harry. This is something you need to do on your own," he answered, choking back tears. "Okay?"

"NOO!" cried Harry, attaching himself to Severus' leg. "I wanna go home! Pwease? I wanna go home with you and do waundry!"

Sirius extracted the hysterical boy from Severus' leg, took him to the sandbox and apparated back to the apartment. POP!

Remus followed suit after giving Harry his lunchbox. POP!

"Uncle Sevy, don't go!" Harry pleaded.


Harry was left crying in the sandbox, alone.

3 Men and the Adolescent? If I can be bothered.