A is for Anonymous
Note: I do not have anyone to read over this for me so any errors I apologize. Please let me know if its something so bad it needs to be corrected. This is my first attempt to write anything using this character/show. I'm going to try and portray Alex as in character as I can but as you'll read there are reasons she may seem out of character. This is someone that I've had floating around in my head since we started see more of Alex drinking on the show. I don't own anything. I definitely don't own this show cause if I did I'd probably make it all about Maggie and Alex. Anyway, enjoy.
Alex stood nervously at the back of the room, her back pressed against the wall in a hopeless attempt to just blend in. Her eyes anxiously flicking between the guy standing at the front podium spilling his sob story and the few faces that sat listening. Whoever thought the idea of sitting in a room listening to another person's issues and struggles would help someone else muddle through their own issues clearly never thought about the end game. For Alex listening to this hapless loser spill tears over the girl that got away because he was too slobbering drunk to keep her just made Alex want to drink. Endlessly. Still, she stood and she listened. Clutching the now lukewarm cup of coffee in her hand trying in vain to use it to cover her face. It wasn't that Alex was embarrassed to be at a meeting, it just wasn't something she wanted anyone she knew to know. Not yet at least. It was only her first one. And after listening to this guy it'd probably be her last.
But then she thought of what brought her here. What brought her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on the other side of town, at 11 o'clock at night, on a Monday: LIFE. Not a bad. No, not by far. Just life in general. To an outsider she had a perfect life. Perfect job, perfect apartment, perfect sister, perfect girlfriend, perfect friends. But if anyone, family included, knew her inner struggle...well life wouldn't be so perfect now would it. She had to give herself credit, she did well at hiding it. She got up everyday, she put the smile on, kissed the girlfriend goodbye, and went to work where she kicked endless amounts of ass. But deep, deep down she wanted nothing more than to give up. The just crumble. She didn't want to always be the one to save the day. Cause lets face it, Alex saved the day everyday. Without her there would be no Supergirl. Yeah the DEO would still run without her but Kara would rescind herself to being nothing more than a boring reporter. It was Alex that made Supergirl. Alex that always gave her the push she needed to get the job done. Alex was always the one cleaning up after her. Saving her and her friends. Oh let's not forget the amount of times Alex had to bail Winn, or James, or Mon-El out of trouble. Too many to count frankly. The weight of the world sat on Alex's shoulders and not a single person in her close connections knew it. Well maybe Maggie did but she never let on.
Now there's a woman wise beyond her years. It was no surprise to Alex that Maggie was a detective, a damn good one at that, the woman was observant, intelligent, and you couldn't fool her to save your life. That's why Alex had a damn good feeling that Maggie knew. Maggie knew all the pressure she felt but rather than add to it or push Alex, she let the woman be. Not because she didn't care but because she knew that pushing would break Alex. And the last thing anyone need, the last thing the world itself needed, was for a strong independent badass ass kicking woman like Alex Danver's to break. She instead she left her be and was just there. She was there when Alex needed her most. She was open and comforting. Supportive and encouraging. But she never pushed. And it was exactly what Alex needed and she was to grateful for it
Now life is what's brought her down. Life is what's made her want to drink cause when she drinks everything just gets muffled and for those hours that the alcohol runs through her systems she doesn't have to worry about a thing. All she has to focus on is that hum she feels, that weightlessness, and just calm. When Alex drinks everything just gets calm. The voice in the back of her head that keeps telling her she has to be perfect, she has to protect Kara, she has to do this she has to do that it just stops. When Alex drinks the world shuts up and she can finally have peace. And so she drinks. When the stress comes banging at her door she drinks. Experts would say she's a functional alcoholic. Alex would say she just likes to relax with a drink. It's not that she can't not drink or that she doesn't want to not drink. She just finds a drink or five after a stressful day relaxing. She won't admit that when things get tough, when they get stressful, when she just doesn't want to process anything cause it's just too freaking hard Alex craves that drink. Her father betraying her all she wanted was to drown herself in that bottle but Maggie.
She wasn't angry at her girlfriend for stopping her. If she was honest she was grateful. But part of her, that part that needed the alcohol to cope just wanted nothing more than to finish it. She has noticed that since she's been dating Maggie her desire for alcohol has gone down a little but she's quickly brushed that off as excitement over being with Maggie. Like the alcohol, Maggie makes her feel good but it hasn't completely replaced the feeling that alcohol gives her. Does it dim it down? Yeah but it's still there and everyday Alex can feel the desire building.
Then the desire hit ten fold and Alex was dying for a drink. She'd gone to the bar. She'd ordered her regular and she drank it. Then she drank another and another and another. She didn't think anyone would blame her though. After what she'd gone through. What she had to see. What she had to do. How could anyone blame her for wanting to just get plastered. If anyone else, if Kara, or Maggie, or hell even James had to do what she had to do she wouldn't blame them for a second for getting absolutely blasted. But yet they did. They never said they did. Maggie never even hinted to it but Alex could tell. But none of them would ever understand. Not a single one would ever have to understand what it was like to shoot your own father. Alex does and that's what broke her. That's what kicked that need, that desire for a drink up ten fold and had her sitting in a bar trashed out of her ever loving mind like she was back in college.
No one really knew the story. There was the official report from Alex but that was stripped down to the bare bones of what happened. The report didn't show how Alex had begged her father to just surrender. Had begged him to turn himself in. Alex had thought that after the whole breaking into Cadmus/Fridget mission she'd influenced him enough to change. To be one of the good guys again. But Cadmus fixed that real quick and the next time Alex faced him he was heartless and down to the soul evil. She had no choice. He died or millions of aliens died. Alex just couldn't live with that much blood on her hands. She couldn't exactly live with her father's blood on her hands either but sacrifices have to be made. She made her's and it broke her.
She went through the grief like a normal person. Or well as normal as someone like Alex Danvers. She met with the DEO shrink, and talked about what happened. She took the mandatory time off. She processed. Of course she always processed with a drink in her hand. But that one night. It all just got to her. Everything in life just got to her and she let go. She finally let go and lived in the moment. She got plastered. Then Maggie came. Sweet, loving, supportive Maggie. She'd thanked the bartender for calling her and lovingly manhandled Alex all the way back to her apartment. She nursed Alex through the hangover the next morning. She encouraged Alex to talk but the agent would have none of it. She just apologized and said she'd never get that drunk again. Sixteen hours later and that statement was proven wrong. And so that's what Alex's life became. Of course she knew she couldn't get falling down drunk every night doing so would draw way too much attention. No she just needed a few strong drinks to get her through the night and the nightmares. But those few drinks a night morphed into a few drinks a night and a couple drinks a day until Alex found herself stashing a new bottle of whiskey in her desk every two or three days.
Alex Danvers became a full blown functioning alcoholic.
Then the Night came. The night in question was the night her beautiful, amazing, absolutely perfect girlfriend Detective Maggie Sawyer put it all on the line and spilled her heart out. After months of dating and the words being on the tips of each of their tongues Maggie finally said it. But Alex was too drunk to remember it. That night was a haze to Alex. She vaguely remembered coming home and Maggie was there. Looking back on it...turns out it was their six month anniversary. Of course Alex forgot...or the alcohol made her forget. The only way Alex knew what had happened that night was the next day when they met Kara for lunch. Apparently the detective had talked to Kara about her plan as way of getting the younger Danver's blessing (which she should've known she had from the start). When they'd met up with the younger woman she was all but exploding with excitement to hear how it went. And that's how Alex found out that her girlfriend who she was absolutely positive was the love of her life told her that she loved her. And in turn Alex said it right back. Drunk out of her mind but keeping it together somehow Alex said those three words right back. Now you're probably thinking: 'Ok so she said it back. She loves her she should say it.'
But here's the problem: Alex doesn't remember it and she was drunk. How can anyone mean anything like that when they're drunk. We're not talking tipsy here. We're talking if you got pulled over you'd blow over a .08 drunk. Alex said the most important words to the most important person in her life while she was inebriated. And if Maggie knew well then the other woman never let on which told Alex that she probably didn't.
All of it left Alex feeling horrible. She wanted to tell Maggie the truth but she feared it would break the other woman' heart. I mean c'mon how would you feel to spill your heart out to the woman you love, hear the words back, then the next day hear her say, "baby I'm so sorry but I was so drunk last night I think I said 'I love you' when I wasn't ready." Yeah, her relationship would be so over. Alex wanted to say the words but when sober she just knew she wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. And that of course was another of the wonderful stressors that drove her to drink. Of course when she found out all that happened her first instinct was to drink. She'd gotten back to her office after lunch and down two quick glasses of the whiskey she kept in her desk. That settled the deep guilt that took root her her heart over what happened, it also cured all the withdrawl symptoms she was experiencing from not having alcohol in her systems for more than an hour or two. She'd spent the day in her office drinking, slowly drinking, but drinking nonetheless. The door was locked and she'd informed Agent Vasquez not to let anyone interrupt her due to the mountain of paperwork she needed to complete. There was no paperwork just a bottle. While she drank she thought. Everything ran through her head. But at the end of the day she knew one thing: Maggie. She couldn't lose her.
And that's what had Alex here...at an AA meeting with a bunch of other pathetic saps that couldn't keep their booze in check either. She didn't think she had a problem. If you asked her she'd tell you she didn't, she just liked to indulge a little too much. As to why she was here? She just needed a little guidance. Yeah the thought crossed her mind that she might have a problem with alcohol. Well who better to ask then some recovering alcoholics. But as she stood and listened to some of the absolutely pathetic stories she came to realize that she has something in common with all of them. The NEED to drink. Like the guy still droning on about how alcohol cost him his fiancee, Alex too needed the alcohol to cope. Maybe these people weren't pathetic. Maybe she didn't need to talk to a single one of them to know that she was in the right place. Maybe she was just like all of them.
That realization hit Alex right in the chest and it took her breath away.
"You know," Came a voice to Alex's left, "If you squeeze that cup any harder you're gonna be wearing what's in it."
Alex glanced over to see a woman leaning against the wall next to her watching the guy at the podium. The woman gave off an air of confidence with a twinge of 'I really don't care to be here but here I am'. She wore a black motorcycle jacket over a gray t-shirt, a pair of baggy faded blue jeans, a pair of black combat boots that looked liked they'd seen better days, and a high and tight that would put the DEO's male grooming standards to shame. This woman was clearly military. Alex watched as a slow grin formed on the woman's lips and she glanced at Alex out of the corner of her eye. Quickly Alex looked away. She didn't mean to get caught staring but she didn't expect anybody to talk to her. She thought she had a good resting bitch face on that would keep even the bravest of attenders at bay. Clearly she was wrong or this woman was just crazy.
"Someone should pull him cause this is just getting pathetic," The woman mumbled before crossing her arms over her chest.
Apparently someone else had the same thought and Alex watched as a guy pulled the man from the podium into a hug and then thanked him for sharing his story. Everyone clapped of course. Then the other guy thanked everyone for coming out and brought the meeting to an end. Alex sighed in relief and pushed off her spot on the wall to leave. Just as she took a step past the woman she heard her voice again.
"The coffee here sucks and the cookies are at least five hours old. They're left over from the youth group they have at six."
Alex stopped and looked at the woman, her stare a mixture of confusion and intrigue. The woman smiled and pushed off the wall bringing her into Alex's space and causing the agent to feel a little intimidated. Briefly she looked into Alex's eyes almost as if trying to read right down into her soul. Alex took a step back and regarded the woman carefully. This caused her to laugh deeply and put her hands up in mock surrender.
"You want a real cup of coffee? I'm talking a cup that's so hot and delicious you'll feel it in your soul?" The woman proposed and watched as Alex carefully regarded her. Alex could go for a cup of coffee at the moment, maybe even a cup of Irish coffee but that would defeat the whole reason she was here. At the same time though Alex was in no desire to fend off another suitor. Part of her just wanted to go home and curl up with her amazing girlfriend and sleep. However, no sooner did that thought cross her mind did the guilt dig its way back up from the bowels of her soul and scratch at her conscious.
Almost as if the woman could read her thoughts (maybe she could) she stated, "It's not a come on. And while you are an attractive woman, I don't come to meetings to hook up or find my next wife. It just coffee and a talk."
"Why?" Alex found herself saying as she looked at the woman in confusion.
"You look like you need to talk," The woman smiled softly at her. Her eyes connected with Alex's and all the agent could see was understanding in them. "You're new here that I can tell. One of the first steps is to talk. Get it all out and go from there. That's what I'm offering you."
Alex laughed and looked away from the woman, her arms coming up to cross over her chest. She was clearly uncomfortable and defensive. Talking and communicating wasn't Alex's strong point. Maggie pointed that out the night of the Barenaked Ladies concert. Alex was all about pushing her feelings down, that's all she's ever known. But maybe part of her really wanted to talk, wanted someone to push her into talking. Maybe this woman could be that person.
With a deep breath Alex nodded, "Ok. Lead the way."
The short haired woman smiled and held out her hand, "I'm Luc by the way."
The agent regarded her curiously again. "I thought AA was suppose to be anonymous that's what the second A stands for." A smile passed over Alex's lips at the woman's laugh.
"It's is if you want it to be. You can give me any name you feel comfortable giving me or no name, that's your choice and I'll respect it."
"Let's just leave it at A for now," Alex stated as she shook the woman's hand.
"Alright Anonymous, let's got get that coffee," And with that the woman named Luc turned and headed towards the door.
Alex followed quickly behind her. The voice in her head screamed for a drink but for the first time in a long time Alex felt at peace with not falling into a bottle. She just wanted to talk. Maybe she was doing the right thing for herself.