Boys Will Be Boys.
Author Chick's Notes: Now I am trying real hard here to write something with more character, something more serious in nature, something worthy of Masterpiece Theatre! …but I can't! The goofy shite keeps running rampant in my head and won't GO AWAY!!! Which brings me to this. I blame the Nyquil, ALL of the Nyquil. Nyquil is bad. I swear to God I need my head examined or something. Rating is definitely R because of really childish moronic content, language and, just general mayhem. Like 'Get A Room', pure 13-year-old boys locker room humour. Um for the record, I have done this before, the shooting bit at any rate. (watches her already soured reputation slip further into infamy)
Boys Will Be Boys.
It had started early on in the history of the team. The contest was a test of shooting ability, a test of strength and endurance…or as Scarlet called it when she first saw it, a demonstration in sheer stupidity. In other words, the type of thing only a bunch of men would come up with when boredom threatened to overwhelm them. Boredom had hit in a big way and the hats were drawn. Each participant had his name in each hat. There were two hats, one was red, and the other was black.
The red hat represented the 'shooter', the one who would test his marksmanship. The second hat, the black one, was the one the men feared. If his name had been drawn from the black hat, it meant that he was the 'pig'. The pig's part was to run as fast as he could and avoid being shot at by the shooter. The team had taken the game of paint ball to a whole new low, and they were very proud of the fact.
No one was quite sure where the third element of the contest had come from, but it was generally agreed upon that alcohol might have been involved. It was the reason none of the women were allowed to participate, not that they would want to anyway seeing as they all saw it as a 'typical idiot male thing'. The third element, and most bizarre, meant that the 'pig' had to make his run naked. It wasn't the nudity that prohibited the women from being allowed to participate, it was the fact that if they did, they would more then likely aim for their victim's most prized and sensitive body part. Hence for the safety of the 'pigs' ability to reproduce later in life, no women were allowed. However, it had happened in the past, one of the women would get a hold of the paint gun and take a shot or two at whoever was streaking away from her sights before the gun was reclaimed.
"One! Two…" Clutch heard the countdown begin and turned to run for his life. His current humiliation all but forgotten as the counter slowly went through the numbers. "Three!" The fact that it was broad daylight and he was on base didn't matter. Clutch just had to survive twenty-seven hits, or a clip of fifty shots fired to avoid the true humiliation that awaited those that couldn't. He'd never survived getting hit twenty-seven times, paintballs on bare skin just hurt to much, how the current record holder had done it was beyond Clutch.
"Four! FivesixseveneightnineTEN!" Sci-fi called out. "Yer ass is mine Smurf!" He warned as he took aim for Clutch's retreating pale white butt. Clutch saw a blue splatter of paint in front of him as he dashed towards the main building of the Pit. He was far enough away now that he couldn't hear the report of the paint gun going off, and Sci-Fi made timing shots very difficult, if not impossible.
Around the next corner, five people Clutch really didn't want see at the moment were making their way towards him. A new recruit meant a tour of the place for Cover Girl, Jinx, Lady Jaye, and Scarlet. The young woman with them had no idea about how her new team operated or what they liked to do in their spare time. Unfortunately for the woman called Quarrel, she was about to find out.
Scarlet's jaw dropped in sheer horror at the sight of Clutch's pale nude form. Lady Jaye leaned her head back and howled in laughter. Jinx decided that she might regain her appetite in about a week. And Cover Girl just folded her arms across her chest and followed Clutch's nude body with her eyes as he streaked past the women. Quarrel stared in a mixture of horror and awe as the man now covered in several splotches of blue paint kept running. Another man rounded the corner carrying a paint gun. He was dressed only in a pair of black sweat pants and an evil smirk.
"Hey girls, where'd he go?" Cover Girl spotted the paint gun and held out her hand for it. "No way! You'll violate tradition!" Sci-Fi defended, clutching the gun protectively to his bare chest.
"Just give me the damn gun!" Cover Girl cursed as she snatched it from him and turned to take her aim. Sci-Fi immediately got the hint of what the woman was about to do and laughed. "Hey Lance?"
Clutch turned at the sound of Cover Girl's voice and instantly regretted it. He felt a slight breeze brush past the most sensitive part of his anatomy and turned again in an effort to flee the painful little blue balls of paint. Cover Girl took aim again and fired.
"Shit!" Clutch bellowed, reaching around to protect his bare hindquarters with his hands.
"There ya go." Cover Girl said as she handed the paint gun back to Sci-Fi.
Sci-fi waggled his eyebrows at the women and thanked them before dashing off after his prey again. Cover Girl turned back to the other women and stopped. "Wha? I've been wanting to do that for years!" She defended. "I'm just pissed I missed the first shot." She added as she continued in the direction they were headed. Quarrel was about to ask if she could just go back to her room and hide, when Lady Jaye peered around the corner Clutch and Sci-Fi had come from.
"Don't worry it's safe. They're all playing today." Lady Jaye said as she held a door open for the rest of them. "The nut jobs at any rate." She clarified.
Quarrel was about to follow when something dawned on her. "Um, was that guy's nipples pierced?" She asked, pointing at Sci-Fi's retreating back.
"Oh that's nothing. You should see the cigar band." Jinx stated casually. When Quarrel asked what the cigar band was, Cover Girl was only too happy to oblige.
"Tribal tattoo around the base of his tackle." She explained, holding her thumb and index finger in a circle right above her crotch. Quarrel excused herself and said she needed to lie down for a while. Jinx and Scarlet just looked at each other and shrugged. The two decided to take off for the dojo and practice some hand to hand.
"Lawn chairs?" Cover Girl asked.
"Yup." Lady Jaye replied. Soon the two women had chairs set up around the corner from the tarmac and waited for the next one to go streaking past.
Clutch had taken a dozen shots and they had all hurt. He barrelled past another door as Sci-Fi took aim again and fired. Coming out of the door he'd just passed, Lifeline and Psyche Out saw the naked man covered in blue paint. Lifeline stared in horror and dropped his coffee. Psyche Out meanwhile was trying to count the number of hits Clutch had taken so far. "Gang way!" Sci-Fi called out as he stopped just in front of the two men in the doorway and took another shot.
"Ow Jesus! Okay I quit!" Clutch called out. He stopped and held his hands in the air in surrender. Sci-Fi discharged the clip from the gun and smirked.
"How many?" Psyche Out casually asked.
"Thirteen, the wuss."
Psyche Out watched as Clutch walked past, hands behind his head and was followed by Sci-Fi back to the other participants. Knowing that it was clear for the moment Psyche Out continued heading for the medical wing. He stopped when he realised Lifeline wasn't next to him and turned back to the door. Lifeline stood there frozen in shock. His jaw gaped and his hand was still outstretched even though the coffee he'd been holding had long since spread over the ground where he dropped it. "Come on Lifeline, let's go find some nice medical charts to play with." Psyche Out offered, taking the medic's elbow in hand.
"They're mad." Lifeline said finally as the two men went on their way.
Psyche Out shrugged. "It's therapeutic…in a maniacal sort of way."
Back at the airstrip where the rest of the maniacs involved were, Clutch and Sci-Fi returned from their 'hunt'. Clutch sank to his knees on the side, his hands still behind his head and waited to find out who else would join him in the aftermath. Sci-Fi held up the clip from the paint gun and poured the remaining paintballs into his hand. "Thirteen and he wimped out." Sci-Fi laughed, handing the gun to Ace who was manning the hats.
With dramatic flare, Ace held the two pieces of paper with their names above his head and tore them in half. Clutch would be ineligible to shoot if his name came up later, but Sci-Fi was still eligible to be the pig. As per tradition, Ace reached into the red hat first to pull out the name of the next shooter. Opening it up he read it and looked at the crowd. "Okay Pulaski, pick your colour." He stated to Steeler.
Steeler smirked as he took the offered gun from Ace and held his hand out for the clip. "Black." He smirked. Steeler was handed the box with the black paint balls so he could fill the clip. Part of the tradition was to call the shooter first, then the pig. While the shooter was refilling the clip, the pig got to sweat it out as he waited for his turn to run.
Ace drew a name from the black hat. A few of them glanced warily at Steeler who still had a smirk on his face as he counted out the balls and filled the clip. Ace looked up at them and then grinned. "Drop 'em Friestadt!" They laughed at the litany of language spewing forth from Short Fuze as he practically ripped his tee shirt and shorts off. "You know the rules…ALL of it!" Ace said when Short Fuze crossed his arms across his chest, he still had his boxer shorts on.
"Whose stupid idea was this anyway?" Short Fuze growled as he took his boxer shorts off. He glared at Sci-Fi as he said it.
"Oh no! don't look at me! I just set the twenty-seven hits record, that's all." Sci-Fi defended. Clutch muttered something under his breath and Sci-Fi leaned over him. "Excuse me, Smurf? Where's my tattoo?" He grinned. Clutch and several others grimaced in pain at the mention of Sci-Fi's very rarely seen body art. "Trust me, I can handle pain." Sci-Fi laughed. Short Fuze let rip with another litany while he waited his turn to start running.
"Y'know?" Steeler started. "It's a damn good thing we ain't got a swear jar." He commented as he set the clip into the gun. "Or you'd be signing over yer entire pay check every two weeks. ONE!" He shouted, levelling the barrel of the gun five inches from Short Fuze's chest.
"Fuck!" Short Fuze cursed as he streaked across the tarmac. He had an advantage over Clutch, in that he could run faster, the disadvantage however, was Steeler was no slacker with a gun.
"Two!" Steeler lined up Short Fuze's retreating frame in his cross hairs. "Ninety nine a hundred!" Steeler laughed and took his first shot.
"Cheatin' bastard!" Short Fuze bellowed as the first paint ball hit and blacked his back. Short Fuze rounded a corner and found himself face to face with two of his teammates seated in lawn chairs placed against the wall. He blushed profusely as he tried to cover himself with one hand and ran past Cover Girl and Lady Jaye who were hooting and hollering their appreciation.
"Hi Girls! Bye Girls!" Steeler laughed as he dashed past the two women.
One of the mechanics came up to the two and gazed in the direction of the two men. "Did I just see two of the boys run past here, one of them naked as the day he was born?" Dallas asked Cover Girl and Lady Jaye.
"Well hell." Dallas started. "I can wash my car later." She laughed as she placed a bucket next to Lady Jaye to watch the show. Cover Girl reached behind Lady Jaye and pulled out another lawn chair for the woman to sit in.
"Have a sat, Tex." Cover Girl offered the dark haired mechanic.
Meanwhile Short Fuze was heading for the Motor Pool. As long as the runner didn't dash into a building he was fine. Hiding inside a building constituted an automatic surrender and Short Fuze wasn't about to pay the consequences of loosing so easily. Just inside the huge hanger doors, Deep Six saw a blotch of black paint splatter on the ground. He looked up at Tollbooth who was going over the SHARC's engine with him, when Short Fuze dashed past.
Deep Six jerked a thumb in the general direction of the fleeing man then looked back up at Tollbooth. "Did one of those idiots just streak past here?" He asked, not sure if he saw what he thought he saw.
Tollbooth answered just as Steeler came dashing past with the paint ball gun. "Yup." He turned his attention back to the circuit board he was working on. "The kids are playing again."
"Jesus mother…God damn!" Short Fuze swore as another paint ball hit him. "I'm gonna be shitting black paint for a week!" One more shot hit him on the bare backside and he surrendered. Steeler came up to him and pulled out the clip. Short Fuze didn't put his hands behind his head until he heard the clatter of the remaining paint pellets inside.
"C'mon tar baby." Steeler laughed. "Time to feather yer ass." He marched his victim back the way they had come.
Short Fuze realised where they were going and pleaded. "Oh come on Steeler old buddy? Not in front of the girls." To late, they rounded the corner and Short Fuze cringed. Steeler held his hand up and waved at the three women seated against the wall.
"Hoo WEE! And I thought they grew em big down in Texas!" Dallas cheered.
"Why Short Fuze." Cover Girl teased. "Where ever does the 'short' part come in?" All three women howled at the man's expense.
"I swear I'm gonna kill you when I can." Short Fuze threatened his captor.
Steeler laughed and pushed his prey forward with the barrel of the gun. "I'll be sure to send the rest of them this way ladies." He said as they headed back to the rest of the men waiting on the airstrip.
Back with the rest of them, Steeler handed over the rifle to Ace to hand to the next shooter, as Short Fuze took his place beside Clutch. "He's a bigger candy ass then Clutch!" Steeler laughed. "Ten shots and he's cryin' for his mamma!"
Ace drew the name of the next shooter and handed the rifle over to Leatherneck to load. Leatherneck chose white for his colour and began loading the clip when Ace called out the runner. "Holy shit gentlemen! I do believe this is a first. Okay Leialoha, get naked."
"Well well, it ain't the SEAL I'd rather take pot-shots at, but it's a SEAL none the less." Leatherneck chuckled.
"Laugh em up jarhead." Torpedo retorted. He remained calm as he waited for his fate. Leatherneck tried a few tricks to make his prey nervous, none of them worked so he lowered the paint ball gun and began counting. "ONE!" Then he fired.
Torpedo winced as the paint ball bit into his shoulder and kept running. As with all the shooters, Leatherneck never honoured the whole counting to ten thing. It was merely a formality and they all knew it. Torpedo bolted around the corner and startled for a moment. Knowing it was to late he just kept on with his escape, not ignoring his manners though. "Aloha ladies." He saluted.
"They don't call him 'Torpedo' for nothing do they?" Lady Jaye commented to her companions as Torpedo dashed away. The trio turned towards the corner again to see who was chasing the SEAL.
When Leatherneck rounded the corner, they laughed. "SEAL shooting huh?" Cover Girl taunted.
"Yup. To bad it ain't Wetsuit." He grinned as he took off after his prey.
"Be sure to march his cute ass back this
way y'all!" Dallas called out.
Leatherneck rolled his eyes and continued shooting at Torpedo. Like Short Fuze, Torpedo dashed past the Motor Pool. This time it was Tollbooth's turn to do the double take. "I would have figured him to mature for this stuff?" He stated to Deep Six.
"Who?" Deep Six turned to where Tollbooth was pointing and shook his head. "I don't believe that kid!" He growled. "Why the hell are they running around naked anyway?"
Tollbooth stammered for a few seconds then gave up. "Search me, they're lunatics?" The two elder Joes watched as Leatherneck tried to line Torpedo up for a decent shot.
"Jesus Christ! You're a marine and you can't even hit a naked unarmed man with a gun!" Deep Six criticised.
"If he'd hold still long enough…whoa that took talent." Leatherneck complemented a daring back flip Torpedo had done to avoid getting hit. "Ah screw it!" Leatherneck charged after Torpedo firing away madly with the gun.
Torpedo took several shots at once as he tried to avoid getting hit. He muttered under his breath a mantra for ignoring the pain when he heard the most unexpected, and relieving things since his name had been called to run.
"Shit! Out of ammo!" Leatherneck cursed. He popped the clip to make sure it hadn't jammed, then tossed it to the ground in disappointment.
"Mahalo nui loa amakua!" Torpedo praised when he saw that he'd survived his run and wouldn't have to suffer part two of the humiliating experience. Walking past the open hanger door of the Motor Pool, he spied a pile of towels the tank jockeys kept there for rags. Snatching one up, he wrapped it around his waist to cover himself.
"Torpedo! You're dripping paint all over the…Uhg." Tollbooth groaned. Deep Six just glared at his younger teammate as he walked by.
Rounding the corner where the girls had set up to watch the show, they all complained when they saw Torpedo covered up. "Hey no fair!" Dallas whined.
"Very fair!" Torpedo grinned. "He can't shoot." He added with a wink as he jerked a thumb at Leatherneck who was walking behind him and cursing under his breath. Back on the tarmac the others saw Torpedo casually heading their way, his hands weren't behind his head and he was wearing a towel.
"You blew all fifty shots and he didn't cave?" Gung Ho asked. "How many hit?" He added when he saw that Torpedo had a lot of white paint on him.
"Eleven." Torpedo smirked. "Hey you was right Wetsuit. Right in front of him is the safest place for be when he's shooting!" The two SEAL's laughed at the Marine's expense. Leatherneck meanwhile was being heckled for being a lousy shot.
There were a few more runs before they started getting bored and wanted to get on with phase two of the game. Ripcord had survived the same way Torpedo had when his chaser wasted all of his ammunition. The unlucky ones were lined up in the showers a little while later for the second half. Steeler couldn't resist and went to get the trio of women who'd been watching, to invite them to watch the feathering part of the show.
Clutch, Short Fuze, Airtight, and Wetsuit were lined up against the shower wall. Wetsuit was the only one who didn't flinch when he got hit with the icy cold water, he'd survived worse in SEAL school, it was the feathering part he hated. They used glue to attach the feathers.
Cover Girl spoke up from her vantage point as the paint was washed away. "Are there gonna spankings now?" She chirped.
"Nope." Ace replied. "Although if you guys want, you can apply the glue!" He suggested. All three women grinned at the idea and began using paintbrushes to smear glue all over the losers. Satisfied that there was enough glue all over the place, Ace called out for the next part. "Gentlemen! Present FEATHERS!" He laughed. Several bags of feathers were brought forward and the feathering began. Airtight sneezed as one got under his nose and wouldn't go away.
After a few minutes the remaining feathers floated to the floor. The majority were securely attached to the four lined against the wall. Ace then asked if the water main to the gym showers had been turned off.
"Okay ladies! Show's over."
"What? That's it?" Dallas asked.
"Yup. They just have to clean up this mess, then head back to their rooms…" Ace smirked as he a jerked a thumb behind him. "…Y'know, their rooms across the very large and wide open Promenade?" He grinned.
"I'll be right back!" Cover Girl dashed outside to get the rest of the women in the female dorms. By the time the four men were done cleaning up the remaining feathers and ready to make their walk of shame back to their private quarters, every woman on base was waiting outside. Amongst numerous catcalls and other lewd suggestions they marched back to the men's dorm. They started running when they saw flashes from the multitude of cameras the women had with them.
"God I love when they get bored!" Jinx laughed as the four men ran as quickly as possible to the male dorms. "You're gonna let us know the next time you guys do this right?" She added.
"Yeah sure why not?" Sci-Fi grinned.
"Can we shoot next time?" Scarlet asked in her best southern drawl.