[This experimental story takes place in a vague future time, at least after episode 910, TOW Christmas in Tulsa. It also mentions incidents from many past episodes, including 110 (TOW The Monkey), 214 (TOW The Prom Video), 315 (TOW Ross and Rachel Take a Break), and 610, (TOW The Routine).

Plot: Chandler and Monica still haven't conceived a baby, and that's not the only problem they have. He's more in denial than in my other story "The Ongoing Affair".]
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"Ahhh!" Monica screamed furiously. She hastily tied a short silk robe over her naked body and stormed out of the bedroom into the living room. "That's it!" She violently knocked over a table and didn't even pick it up. "That's it! It's over!"

Chandler took a bit longer to follow her, but he finally left the bedroom wrapped in a big, thick bathrobe. "I didn't say it!" he insisted.

She turned to him incredulously. "I heard you! You said 'Joey!'"

He shushed her loudly, fearing that their friend across the hall might hear her. "I did not say, 'Joey'! I said--"

"Don't lie to me! You said--" she only acquiesced to his request for lowered voices because she didn't want Joey interrupting them. "You said 'Joey', not 'Go me'. I'm not deaf!"

"Mon, this is crazy. Why would I say 'Joey' while we're having sex?"

She rolled her eyes. "Because you're gay? Because you want him?"

"I'm *not* gay and I don't want him! How do I convince you?"

"For starters, stop saying his name in bed!"

"I'm not--!" He sighed and tried to speak calmly. "Monica, I swear this is all in your head. I don't know why you've developed this paranoid jealousy lately, but--"

"I'm not paranoid!" She stomped her foot. "I'm not hearing things! I'm not getting hormonal on the fertility drugs! Will you quit with the excuses already?"

"They're not excuses!" He couldn't believe they were having this argument again instead of having sex. No wonder he couldn't impregnate her.

"Ugh!" she fumed. "You know, I can settle this right now! I've got proof this time!" She ran back into the bedroom and retrieved a mini tape recorder from the bed. "I hid this under the pillow and turned the microphone volume all the way up." She rewound the last few minutes of the tape, and then played it for him.

After general sex noises, there came forth the sudden passionate moan of "Joey." It was as clear as a bell.

She smugly waited for a reaction, but Chandler was completely unfazed.

"See?" He chuckled hysterically, "Wow, I haven't won an argument in years. Go me!"

Monica stared at him in disbelief. She rewound the tape and played it again.

He shrugged, still feeling completely vindicated. "You can play it all you want. It's not gonna change the tape."

"Oh my God," she whispered.

Chandler looked condescending. "Honey, I'm sorry you went to all that trouble just to prove me right. Come on, I'll make it up to you in bed--"

She pulled away from his grasp, horrified. "Did your parents' divorce mess you up that bad, Chandler? Are you so much in denial that you honestly think this tape says 'Go me'?"

He frowned at her, confused. "Mon, you heard the tape--"

"I heard it." She sank down on the couch, feeling numb all over.

"Mon?" He tried to hold her, but she cringed and wouldn't let him, so he sat down across from her. "Monica, I know that we--all of us, really--have joked about me being gay. Ha, ha, lots of laughs. But seriously, we're *married*. I love you. Why would I suddenly, recently, start moaning Joey's name during sex?"

She stared at him, almost in tears. "Because you've reached your breaking point in your self-deception. Because you don't have the energy anymore to pretend that you want me instead of Joey."

"Mon, we have got to get you off the drugs--"

"Stop it!" she yelled in frustration. "Stop it! You can lie to yourself, but not to me! You want him so bad, it isn't funny." She swallowed sadly. "I think you love him."

"I love him as a friend," Chandler insisted. "Just a friend."

"Shut up! At least Carol told Ross she was a lesbian, but you, you make me find out for myself and tell you!" She got up, clutching the tape recorder. "If you really think this tape says 'Go me', then I'm gonna go across the hall and play it for Joey."

"Don't!" He stood up.

Monica turned around, relieved. Maybe her husband had just been trying to bluff after all. "See, you know it says 'Joey' too!"

"It does not!" Chandler rolled his eyes. "But you're naked under that! You're not seeing anybody, least of all Joey, like that!"

"Then I'll get dressed!" She headed to the bedroom.

"Mon, please. Don't embarrass yourself like this. Calm down and tomorrow we'll take you to the doctor to see what's wrong with you--"

"Yeah, *I'm* the one who needs a doctor!" She slammed the bedroom door and locked it.

Monica sat down on their bed and cried for a while. Why couldn't she have found this out before they got married? Shouldn't she have been able to see past all the jokes? Then again, Ross didn't know about Carol for all the years they dated and were married, and Chandler's mom didn't know about Chandler's dad for years, either. If only there were some sort of gayness test, like the blood test you take before getting your marriage license!

Too late for that now. She had to face up to reality, just as much as Chandler did. How could he still be so deluded after hearing the tape? Monica rewound it and played it again. Yep, Joey.

She sighed and had second thoughts about playing the tape for Joey. If she did, how would Joey react? How would Chandler? She feared that her husband might become even nuttier once there was a witness to confirm her side of the story. Not just any witness, either, but the actual object of his repressed desires: Joey.

So Monica decided against such a brutal confrontation. Maybe she should just go along with Chandler's plan to see the doctor tomorrow. Then she could play the tape for the doctor, and get recommendations for a shrink to help Chandler deal with his feelings.

She also better ask Ross for the phone number of his divorce lawyer. She hated the thought of divorce, but she certainly couldn't just stay and play along with Chandler's mind games.