Narrator: After Rick crossed paths with Diane for the second time, they finally made a proper acquaintance. However, it wouldn't be long before their paths became forever intertwined…
Rick: Seriously, mister narrator, guy, *belch* I-I don't even know what the fuck to call you. Can you cut out the whole destiny bullshit? We got married, because she got pregnant, so don't try to twist the story around and make it seem like we had some long and dramatic romance or some shit.
Narrator: Diane was attending a community college at the time, and she came to see Rick one evening to discuss an important matter. He was sitting at his workbench, focusing intently. "Ricky," she began, "we need to talk." Rick took a moment to put away the vials of strange-smelling liquid he was measuring, then he turned to her. Diane had a certain way of getting his undivided attention. "What's on your mind, sugar?" Rick asked nonchalantly.
Summer: Oh my god, that's so weird. You actually called her that?
Rick: I-I-I don't know what you're ta*belch*lking about.
Narrator: Diane shifted uncomfortably, clutching her arm and looking toward the floor. "I don't know exactly how to say it…" she admitted. Rick stood up and deadpanned, "You're pregnant." Diane looked back up at him, surprised and said, "What are we going to do? I just don't know how this could have possibly happened!" Rick frowned, and replied, "What do you mean, you don't know how it happened? We had sex. That's how you get pregnant. We did it, and now you're pregnant. It seems pretty clear to me how it happened." Diane looked flustered. She grabbed Rick by the hand and said, "I just… I never thought it would happen so soon." She looked down at the floor again, seeming lost, looking to Rick for guidance. He always seemed to know what to do in the most difficult of situations, and Diane knew it. She relied upon it. She knew that no matter how bad things may have seemed, as long as she was with Rick, he would always figure a way out.
Morty: Yeah, grandpa Rick always seems to know what to do, or at least he always seems to know how to figure it out… one way or another.
Summer: I wish we could have met grandma.
Morty: Yeah, me too!
Rick takes another long swig from his pocket flask.
Narrator: Rick then opened up a large bottom drawer of his workbench and told Diane, "I've been meaning to show you this for a while now. I figure this is as good a time as any." He rummaged through the drawer until he found a metal box with wires and diodes attached to the top and sides. He placed it in the work area of the table, and pressed a button. The door opened, and Rick rummaged through another drawer until he produced a rather large piece of coal. He stuck it inside the strange box, closed the door and pressed a few buttons to make it start. While it was whirring in the background, Rick pulled out a plain golden ring. The box dinged, and Rick used a small laser blade to cut the piece of coal, which was now a small fraction of the size it was before entering the box. After a few precise cuts, the compressed piece of coal was now a stunningly beautiful cut diamond. Rick fastened the diamond to the ring and asked Diane, "Will you marry me?"
Summer: Woah, that's so cool! I want one of those machines!
Rick: Well that's too bad, because *belch* it needs a gurmy prolax crystal in order to work, and thanks to the united states government, the only coral that ever produced them were harvested to extinction back in '69 because they killed a few dolphins. So if you wanna say, "fuck you" to anyone, it's them… fucking bureaucrats.
Narrator: Diane's face lit up like a firecracker. She covered her mouth with her hands and shrieked, "Yes! Of course I'll marry you!" She jumped up and down excitedly. "This is the happiest day of my life!" They kissed, and before long, Rick and Diane were married. They bought a house together in Muskegon, Michigan using funds that Rick had mysteriously acquired overnight. Rick claimed that it was his inheritance, but Diane reminded him that he was an orphan.
Morty: So, err, how did you get the money, Rick?
Summer: Yeah, did you have a job? Did you get a mortgage?
Rick: Why does it matter? I didn't do anything that was illegal… at least, not on earth.
Narrator: A few months later, Diane gave birth to a baby girl, who they named Elizabeth Sanchez.
Rick: Which is a name that we totally didn't draw randomly from a hat… We used a decision matrix.
Narrator: For the first time in his life, Rick Sanchez was truly happy. He had a family, and he cherished it. He loved his wife dearly, and his baby girl brought him such joy. He continued his research with fervor, and his wife supported all of his scientific endeavors. Unfortunately, all of that was about to change very soon…
Rick: Aaaaand that's all the time we have for today, kiddos. What a cliffhanger, am I right?
Morty: Awww no way! I wanna know what happens next!
Summer: Yeah, you can't just cut it off there! That's not fair!
Rick: Well, that's just too bad. Reality check Summer: life isn't fair; nothing happens on purpose; everybody dies alone.
Morty: C'mon Rick, you-you can't just leave it off there. There are like, you know, rules and stuff, and I wanna know what happens next!
Rick: Well, I've got stuff that needs doing, and I need your help, Morty. It can't wait any longer. I've only been putting up with this stupid story, because I was waiting for the glommy pergitoads to heat up. Now that they're not frozen anymore, we don't have much time before they decompose. I need those pergitoads, Morty. I need them for my research!
Summer: Can I come too? I can be helpful!
Rick: Uhhh, I don't know about that, Summer. It's not a place that girls want to be, you know. As little as I value your safety, and believe me, it's very little, you should probably sit this one out.
Summer (sarcastically): Fine, I'll just stay here, bored, while you two get to go on an adventure.
Rick: Sounds good to me. C'mon, Morty let's go.
Exit Rick and Morty.
Summer puts her feet up and opens up a teen magazine.
Narrator: So, err, where's your bathroom?
Summer (without looking up from the magazine): Down the hall and to the left.