A/N: This is a weird thing I posted on Tumblr a while ago and have now cleaned up to post here. It started as a dream I had about a Pride & Prejudice and Harry Potter crossover crackfic [that I will never write]. With Hermione as Elizabeth, Sirius as Darcy and Riddle as 'I'm here to fuck everything up' Wickham. Keep in mind it's hopelessly out of order with the events of P&P and is just intended to be little snippets of randomness.


Tom Riddle (George Wickham): I am sure you would have noticed Miss Granger, given your keen sense of observation, the odd nature of my greeting with Mr Black the other day.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): Well, I

[Tom dramatically turns in the nearby candlelight, shooting a pained look into the distance]

Tom Riddle (George Wickham): We have a checkered past. Some might call it... Dark. Mr Black didn't turn up and join my… *intense coughing* political group like he promised, I ended up losing a lot of money and a great deal of pride over the matter.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): Oh how awful [slides her hand onto Tom's arm] I'm not surprised, though, he's been a total wanker since he got here.


Lavender Brown (Lydia Bennet): [looking at an unknown man that has unwittingly crossed her path] Well, where's his black robe? I don't care three straws for a man without one.

Parvati Patil (Kitty Bennet): *incoherent squealing*

Lavender Brown (Lydia Bennet): I mean, he hasn't even got a shiny silver mask, it's like he's not trying.


James Potter (Mr Bingley): [seeing Lily Evans (Jane Bennet) for the first time at the Hogsmeade assembly ball] I'm going to marry her, now, like right now. Do you think the churches are still open?

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *Disdainful pureblood scowl TM*

James Potter (Mr Bingley): I'm going to buy her a pony, girls like ponies, or a boat… or a house. Maybe all of it, perhaps a house for the horses that I will buy, and one for the boat.

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *facepalm*


[At Lucas Lodge]

Luna Lovegood (Charlotte Lucas): Mr Black looks over a here a great deal, Hermione.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): He does look over here often, I wonder what he can mean by it?

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *intense eye fucking*


Cormac McLaggen (Mr Collins): I really think your refusal comes too quickly Hermione.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): I assure you, Mr McLaggen, I am earnest in my response.

Cormac McLaggen (Mr Collins): More fool you, do you have any idea what I've got going on underneath this outfit?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet):

Cormac McLaggen (Mr Collins): Dick for days, Miss Granger. Dick. For. Days.


Molly Weasley (Mrs. Bennet): Are you insane for rejecting Mr Mclaggen, Hermione? No Easter eggs for you.


Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): So in summary, despite me finding your whole family entirely repellant, to my horror and surprise I find your bookish personality and need to speak every thought that passes through your mind totally without a filter strangely endearing. Will you do me the honour of becoming the next Mrs Black?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *Incoherent rageful screaming*

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): Really? You're not jumping at this?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *Something about house elves*

[Sirius, enraged, walks to the door before pausing for a moment looking back over his shoulder, flicking his hair artfully]

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): I got the fancy thing right though, yeah? Like that would be a bit of a blow.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *slightly flushed* Oh yeah, I mean, you're a total arse, but beautiful in an otherworldly way that will make me start hating myself in about three weeks.


Regulus Black (Georgiana Darcy): Why am I in a dress?