This is a weird thing I posted on Tumblr a while ago and have now cleaned up to post here. It started as a dream I had about a Pride & Prejudice and Harry Potter crossover crackfic [that I will never write]. With Hermione as Elizabeth, Sirius as Darcy and Riddle as 'I'm here to fuck everything up' Wickham. Keep in mind it's hopelessly out of order and is intended to be just little snippets of randomness.


Tom Riddle (George Wickham): I am sure you would have noticed Miss Granger, the odd nature of my greeting with Mr Black the other day...

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): Well, I

[Tom dramatically turns in the candle light, shooting a pained look into the distance]

Tom Riddle (George Wickham): We have a checkered past. Some might call it Dark. Mr. Black didn't turn up and join my… *intense coughing* political group like he promised, I ended up losing a lot of money and a great deal of pride over the matter.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): Oh how awful [slides her hand onto Tom's arm] I'm not surprised, though, he's been a total wanker since he got here.


Lavender Brown (Lydia Bennet): [looking at an unknown man that has unwittingly crossed her path] Well, where's his black robe? I don't care three straws for a man without one.

Parvati Patil (Kitty Bennet): *incoherent squealing*

Lavender Brown (Lydia Bennet): I mean he hasn't even got a shiny silver mask, it's like he's not trying.


James Potter (Mr Bingley): [seeing Lily Evans (Jane Bennet) for the first time at the Hogsmeade assembly ball] I'm going to marry her, now, like right now, do you think the churches are still open?

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *Disdainful pureblood scowl TM*

James Potter (Mr Bingley): I'm going to buy her a pony, girls like ponies, or a boat… or a house. Maybe all of it, maybe a house for the horses that I will buy, and one for the boat.

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *facepalm*


[At Lucas Lodge]

Luna Lovegood (Charlotte Lucas): Mr Black looks over a here a great deal, Hermione.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): He does look over here often, I wonder what he can mean by it?

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): *intense eye fucking*


Cormac McLaggen (Mr Colins): I really think your refusal comes too quickly Hermione.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): I assure you Mr McLaggen I am earnest in my response.

Cormac McLaggen (Mr Colins): More fool you, do you have any idea what I've got going on underneath this outfit?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet):

Cormac McLaggen (Mr. Colins): Dick for days, Miss Granger. Dick. For. Days.


Molly Weasley (Mrs. Bennet): Are you insane for rejecting Mr. Mclaggen Hermione? No easter eggs for you.


Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): So in summary, despite me finding your whole family entirely repellant to my surprise your bookish personality, and need to speak every thought that passes through your mind totally without filter, is strangely endearing. Will you do me the honour of becoming the next Mrs. Black?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *Incoherent rageful screaming*

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): Really? You're not jumping at this?

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *Something about house elves*

[Sirius, enraged walks to the door before pausing for a moment looking back over his shoulder, flicking his hair artfully]

Sirius Black (Mr Darcy): I got the fancy thing right, though, yeah? Like that would be a bit of a blow.

Hermione Granger (Elizabeth Bennet): *slightly flushed* oh yeah, I mean, your a total arse, but beautiful in an otherworldly way that will make me start hating myself in about three weeks.


Regulus (Georgiana): Why am I in a dress?