Chapter 1 – confusion

Here I am in my condo all by myself again; Sam has cancelled our plans yet again because Mia won't settle and he wants to help Marlo. It's been a week since Marlo gave birth to her and Sam's daughter and I can't help but feel like I am on the outside looking in on this perfect family that I am not part of. Don't get me wrong I love Mia although I can't help but feel like I shouldn't be here. I honestly feel like I should leave for a while and let Sam settle in to being a new father. I love him and I promised him I wouldn't run anymore, that we would talk if things got tough.

It feels like I have been planning our wedding on my own for the last couple of months as Sam has been busy picking out names, clothes and a crib for the new arrival. Now that Mia is here I feel like I'm interrupting a family. I feel like an outsider. Sam and I always talked about the future. Kids in the park on Sundays and getting a dog and naming it Boo Radley. I've been talking to Traci about how I'm feeling and she told me that I shouldn't walk away as he won't wait this time. It has taken Sam and I so long to get here again.

After Sam proposed I felt so happy; I felt like we had taken another step towards our future. I also feel confused as I know deep down that Mia is not my child but I will treat her as equally as my own whenever Sam and I decide to have kids. Marlo made it perfectly clear that Mia is her daughter and not mine. She seems to forget that I helped bring Mia into the world after Marlo went into labour when we were tracking down Sylvia after she escaped from Lakehurst after a group therapy session was interrupted by a robbery.

I have been discussing with Traci and Gail the list of things that need to be done in time for the wedding. Sam should be doing with me but instead he is with Marlo looking after Mia. I know it sounds selfish but we are engaged and I know that he loves me but we haven't spent any time together since Mia was born. He has tried to include me but I feel like I will never be fully involved in raising Mia. But like I told Sam, she might not be mine but I will always love her as if she was. She is a part of the man that I love.

Traci has been reassuring me that everything will be ok once Marlo leaves town. But I'm not so sure. Sam has been calling me for the last hour and a half; but I haven't replied… my phone buzzed signalling that I had received a voicemail from Sam "McNally, I am really sorry about tonight, please call me". I dialled his number and waited for him to pick-up. "Hey" "Sam, can you come over tonight?" "McNally, I'm staying at Marlo's tonight to help with Mia" "ok, I'll see you tomorrow after shift" "I love you McNally" "you to Sam"

Like I said it's been like this for the past week, Sam cancelling plans, apologising, telling me he loves me. Marlo might need him for Mia, but I need him too.