Author: Laura Dugan
Feedback: This is my first Alias fic, if you want to call it that! I would love some feedback!
Publication Date: February 9, 2003
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it: the show, the characters, nothing. They belong to ABC, JJ Abrams, Bad Robot and all those other people who actually make money off of the show. I'm a poor college student, so please don't sue me!
Classification / Genre: Sydney / Vaughn Romance, Syd POV
Summary: Sydney lets her guard down in a letter she writes to Vaughn. This takes place right after The Getaway, so assume that everything that has happened since then has not happened. This may develop into a larger story, so keep checking back for more!
Sydney sits in her bedroom, cross-legged and pajama clad, writing furiously. It's 1:30 in the morning, two nights after her return from France. Unable to sleep, Sydney decides to get her thoughts and feelings about Vaughn down on paper:
When I found out the truth about SD-6, I felt my world begin to crumble. When I found Danny... When Danny was killed, I felt my world fall apart. Everything I thought I knew was wrong and I felt myself spiraling down into a deep, dark place and I was terrified. Then I grew angry. I fed all of that fear and anger into the new purpose of my life: to bring down SD-6 and make Arvin Sloane suffer.
I remember walking into the CIA, into your office, looking into your kind eyes and nearly breaking into tears through all of my fear and pain. I looked at you and through all of my distrust I saw the glimmer of a friend. As much as I wouldn't admit it, it was nice to have someone take care of me the way you did. It was nice to have someone to talk to, even if it was in dark warehouses or through furtive glances. I don't think I would have recovered from Danny's death if it hadn't been for you. On my worst days, those days when I would cry myself to sleep at night and was awoken to the sound of the phone ringing and the words "Joey's Pizza?" I would be glad to be free of the nightmares that plagued my sleep. And happy to be going to see my partner, my friend.
Somehow, over time, you became even more to me. You were the only one who knew the truth, the only one I could trust, the one I had come to rely on when I needed safety or comfort. And then we went to Taipei and you ended up sick and I thought my world was going to come crashing down again. All that was important to me was ensuring that you would live. I didn't have the chance to save Danny, and I lost him. I couldn't lose you.
Holding your hand in that hospital room, watching as you slowly came back to me, I realized how much I cared for you and how much I needed you in my life. And then Alice showed up, looking as distraught as I felt, and using the word "girlfriend"... I felt my heart break. In that moment, I realized that in the middle of all of the fighting and pain and problems in my life, I had fallen in love with you.
It terrified me, that I was in love with you, for everything that I love ends up destroyed, lost, or dead. And with Alice thrown into the mix, I decided to keep my feelings to myself. I managed to do that just for a while, until our date in France. I wanted, more than anything, to take that room and be with you and pretend that I was normal, if only for one night. But as you know, that didn't happen. We came so close to a semblance of paradise to have it shot down, literally.
So now I sit and wait and long for the day we can be together, if you'll have me. I write this letter in a feeble attempt to explain myself to you, to explain myself to me, and know that your eyes will never take it in. Those eyes that captured me and showed me the way home.
All my love,
Check out my webpage! www.angelfire.com/home/lalilo or fly.to/laurad