Content Warning: this chapter includes discussion of unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, self-harm and suicide.

Chapter Nine

Amethyst spent the morning cooking. Mostly for herself, piling food stuff after foodstuff after not-technically-foodstuff into a giant mixing bowl and stirring it all together. It was mindless, mostly, and it was easy to get lost in the gratification of eating.

She didn't go completely out of control, though. Once she'd eaten for herself, she got some proper cooking done. Baked cookies, even though the precise measuring required was so boring she nearly pulled her hair out. Set them in the oven, letting the warm smell of cinnamon, peanut butter and chocolate fill the house. Then she turned to boiling pasta, chopping vegetables, and stirring up a tomato sauce, not adding even a little bit of engine oil.

When the others got back, there would be a human meal waiting for them.

It was a good hour past the usual lunch time, and Amethyst was wondering if she should start on some kind of side dish (salad?), when Steven finally came through the door, looking weary.

"Heeeey," Amethyst said, dragging the word out in an attempt to look casual. "Welcome back!"

"Hey," said Steven, giving her a passing glance.

Amethyst stood on her toes, looking past him. He seemed to be alone. "Where're the others?"

Steven began up the stairs to his loft. "Pearl went to the barn."

"And Connie…?"

"Still at her parents' house."

"Oh." Amethyst bit her lip. Steven and Pearl had left early that morning to head to the Maheswarans, and sort things out with them. Steven had looked absolutely terrified. Amethyst had punched him, told him to perk up, told him it'd all be fine.

Judging by his distant, pale expression, that had been a lie.

"So." Amethyst rubbed her shoulder. "Uh. Any way I can help?"

Steven turned slowly around, looking around the room. "You can help me pack up Connie's stuff?"

"Oh," said Amethyst.

Steven said nothing. Just turned silently, opened up a drawer, and started to systematically pull the clothes out of it.

Amethyst ground her teeth. She was gonna pound Spinel's face in.

That wouldn't help Steven, though. Not right now.

"What?" Amethyst said. "You're just gonna get right to work, and not try any of the food I slaved over, all morning?"

Steven stared at her, as if she'd said something in a completely different language.

"Get down here and eat my pasta," Amethyst ordered.

And Steven smiled. "'Kay."

After the disaster that had been the attempt at recreational group film watching, Peridot had spent the rest of the night curled up in the hammock with Amethyst. They talked a little, but for the most part, they'd both been too worn out for that. They'd just lay there together, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence.

Peridot thought she may have even fallen asleep. She'd never much cared for the act, finding it something of a pointless time waster, but just then, it had felt like something of a relief.

She'd been woken up by Amethyst stirring and, and her initial reaction had been disappointment. She'd wanted nothing more than to stay lying there. Then she'd suddenly been hit with something near panic.

Things, Peridot knew, were not good. Her friends— all of them— were not doing well. It was her duty to help them as best she could, and that could not be accomplished if she allowed herself to just lie around selfishly.

So she got to work. She visited the Rubies, and helped stifle the tremors that were still running through them. She recruited Leggy and Army into assisting with the farming, and to provide them with the physical exertion rubies traditionally required to burn off their excess emotion. She gave Pumpkin a well-needed snuggle, for the poor veggie had picked up on the tension and was very on edge.

That was when she had seen Pearl, who was wandering around outside the barn. Not looking... lost, precisely, but uncertain.

Seemed to be a lot of that, lately.

"What'cha looking for, Pearl?" Peridot asked.

"...Lapis," she said. She was holding something to her chest, Peridot noticed. A piece of paper? "Have you seen her?"

"Yes," Peridot admitted, but she did not say where. "She said she wants to be... alone."

"I understand," said Pearl. "But I have something to give to her. It's from... Jasper."

"Oh."

Pearl nodded.

Peridot... honestly hadn't been all that affected by the truth about Spinel. Or rather, she'd been affected, of course, but in a very different way from the others. She was shocked and hurt by Spinel's usage of them, and pleased by Garnet's return, and horrified at the turmoil that had overcome everyone.

But personally? As far as she could tell, Spinel hadn't done much to her, besides erasing Garnet and substituting herself. Her beliefs, her relationships, her personality... they'd all stayed pretty much unchanged.

Then there was Lapis.

"I can bring that to her, if you want," Peridot said, a little too quickly.

Pearl hesitated. She had promised that she would hand deliver the letter to Jasper herself, but on the other hand, Lapis and Peridot were close friends. And had been, for a long time, even predating Spinel's interference.

And Pearl did want this letter exchange to go well...

"Alright," Pearl said slowly, handing Peridot the letter. "But make sure this gets to Lapis. And... try your best to make sure she reads it."

"Right. Of course. You can count on me."

Back when it had just been the two of them, Lapis had had a lot of thinking spots. The back of the truck, the hammock corner, the top of the water silo... most of them hadn't disappeared, exactly, but they'd become less and less private. Lapis had never minded before, but now she needed somewhere quiet, where a Ruby couldn't stumble on her and just... well, be a Ruby.

So she'd gone deep into the forest, to an old oak tree. There was a bird's nest at the top, where Susan lived. Susan was the bird that they and Steven had helped nurse back to health, years ago. It had long since flown away, to have its own birdy life, but it had stayed around the area. Lapis liked to spend time with it and its many offspring, occasionally.

The climb up there would be long and pretty tricky for someone with small limbs. Thankfully, Peridot didn't need to climb. She used her personalized Metallic Levitation Disc to float easily to the top.

Lapis laid on a branch. Her eyes were closed. "Pssst," Peridot said, in a fierce whisper. "Psst, Lazuli. Are you asleep ?"

"No."

Lapis didn't open her eyes.

Peridot hesitated. "Are you... alright?"

A pause, before Lapis answered flatly, "Yes."

Peridot had gotten better had reading people. Part of that came from her extensive TV viewing time. But it also had to do with just being around people more. And she knew that when Lapis started giving short, to-the-point answers, she wanted to be alone. It was always then that Peridot would fetch Spinel and let her talk things through with Lapis.

Peridot gulped. But there was no Spinel anymore, or at least, none of her influence.

"So, um Lapis. I know you probably came out here to be alone. A-and that's okay! Sometimes people should, uh, be alone. So I can understand that—"

"Peridot, is this going somewhere?" Lapis asked pointedly, still not opening her eyes.

"Yes. I... have something for you."

That caused Lapis to open an eye. Just one. She zeroed in on Peridot. "What is it?"

"A letter."

"From?"

"Jasper."

Lapis closed her eye again. But then she opened both of them and sat up, with the air that this was an exhausting feat.

She stared at Peridot. Or rather, the letter she was holding.

"I-I understand that you might not necessarily want to talk to Jasper, or indeed, even think about her, but— but I don't think she's going away, and ignoring her just doesn't sound feasible, and she clearly wants to talk to you, and—"

"Stop."

Peridot stopped.

Lapis's brow was creased. She thought for a long time, long enough that Peridot began to fidget.

"I need to read it," she said at last.

Peridot nodded, encouragingly.

"But I don't think that I..." Lapis trailed off. "You do it."

"Me? But the letter's addressed to you."

"Read it out to me," Lapis said. "It'll be easier coming from... your voice." A pause. "Please?"

"Ah." Peridot turned the paper around in her hand. Then she maneuvered the disk to place herself onto the the branch, and tucked the levitation device under one arm. "Okay."

She unfolded the paper, and began to read.

Peridot struggled with that, partly due to how it was written in the ornate, traditional Gem script which had been by and large abandoned in Era Two. But mostly it was because the letter was messy, to say the least. Large sections of it were crossed through or scribbled out. And there was one particular patch where it looked like Jasper had gouged out with her pen.

With another glance at Lapis, Peridot started reading:

"Lapis,

Things are strange now. With Spinel's meddling discovered and our true selves brought back out, it's left things a little at odds.

I know what's happened between us. And I know you know. If you hate me, if you never want to see me again, I can understand that. But I just wanted to say-"

Peridot paused as she came to a marked out area. She scanned the lines, looking for where it picked up.

"Sorry can't make anything right. Only actions. And I want to show you that I'm willing to put all that aside and maybe build something new. But only if you want to. Otherwise-"

The gouged out area. Peridot skipped past it.

"—if I have to. If that's what it takes for you to be comfortable.

I hope you don't ignore this. I hope you'll respond

J"

"And... um... that's it," Peridot said, double-checking there was nothing else. Yep. Nothing. "Uh..."

Lapis had her eyes closed again, her expression so blank it was almost serene.

"Lapis?" Peridot peered up at her, worriedly. "Lapis, are you—"

Then Lapis started laughing.

It was slow, at first. Just soft snorts and chuckles. Then it grew louder and faster, with Lapis practically wheezing as she laughed.

It was not a nice sound.

"'To make me comfortable,' she says," Lapis repeated, slapping her thigh. "To make me comfortable. Stars, she's so stupid!"

"Uhhhhh..."

" She's sorry," she gasped between guffaws, "for what she did to me. Even cured, she's still buying into Spinel's lies! She actually thinks— she's forgotten that—"

Peridot tried to place a hand on Lapis's leg, but Lapis automatically slapped it away. Peridot flinched; Lapis recoiled, sobering.

"Sorry," she muttered. Her expression looked genuine too, but only for a moment. "But you see? I hurt people! She's acting like I was— like I'm just a— this sweet, submissive little— thing Spinel made me, but I'm— I hurt her. I trapped her."

"I was under the impression that she trapped you?"

"Oh, at first. She pulled me into a fusion." Lapis smiled, her fangs showing. There was a dangerous edge to her voice. "But I made sure we stayed there."

Peridot shifted on the branch, growing uncomfortable at the look Lapis was giving her.

"Steven found us once, while we were fused. With his psychic powers. He wanted to find us, to help us... And I wouldn't let him." Lapis's wolfish grin had grown so wide, it was in danger of splitting her face in two. "I chased him away, telling him I was just protecting him."

"B-but you were! Malachite was extremely dangerous—"

"It was never about protecting Steven. Not really." Lapis barked out a laugh. "It was about having a punching bag. We were at each other's throats every second, each trying to gain control from the other...

"And I loved every second of it."

Peridot blinked, unsure what exactly to make of that. "You... liked fighting with Jasper?"

"Not liked. Loved. All my rage and anger and hatred finally had an outlet. Being poofed on Earth, trapped in the mirror, brought back to Earth, and then forced into a fusion... I took it all out on her. Every ounce of it. And I had no plans to stop."

"But neither did Jasper!" Peridot cried. "She was planning to hurt you, and Steven, and the Gems. By keeping her trapped, you were protecting people!" Peridot knitted her brow. "Besides, surely Jasper wasn't helpless. She hurt you too, while you were fused."

"Yeah... she did..." Lapis's smile trembled ever so slightly. But she just shrugged it off and shook her head. "But that doesn't matter. What I did to her... It's what happened to me. I took away her freedom. I held her there, against her will...

"I became the mirror."

"That's not true!"

"You're right. I was worse." She chuckled bitterly, even as tears slowly streamed down her cheeks, her whole body shuddering. "The mirror never preyed on insecurities because physically trapping someone wasn't enough... But I did. You want to know why Jasper hurt me? She was just lashing out at everything I did to her. I made her hurt me."

"No. You can't make a person do anything."

"Spinel would disagree!"

"You are not Spinel."

Lapis stared at her, face frozen in shock. And then, her expression crumbled, and she began to sob.

"Lapis!" Peridot said, wanting to hug her, but afraid she wouldn't like it. She preferred the tears to the horrible not-smile, but she had no idea what to do.

She'd never seen Lapis cry. Never.

"I miss her..." Lapis sobbed.

"...who?" Peridot asked, not sure if she meant Jasper or Spinel.

"BOTH OF THEM!"

Lapis was shuddering again as a fresh wave of sobs washed over her.

"I can see the lighthouse from the barn. At night, I can see the glow from Spinel's cell." Slowly, the sobbing subsided, though her gaze remained focused on the ground. "It would be so easy. I know the passcode to unlock the cell. I'd just want... one touch..."

Peridot gulped. "You... want Spinel to alter your memories?"

Lapis smiled again, less sinister and more bittersweet. "You didn't know that. No one did. I... thought maybe Spinel would tell, but..." She closed her eyes again as she leaned back against the trunk of the tree. "Spinel took it all away. The mirror, the imprisonment, Malachite... it was all gone. And I still remember the carefree feeling of that. No trauma, no pain, no regrets. It was bliss."

"So you want Spinel to come back and… assist you?"

"Yes... no... I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

"You can't—"

"I know I can't," Lapis said. "I'm not stupid. I know how dangerous I am, near all this water. If Spinel took control of me, she'd get all of you, too."

"Oh, come on." Peridot forced a smile. "You'd be no match for my attack drones."

Lapis's mouth remained a thin line, but her eyes crinkled a little in amusement. "If you say so."

Silence. A bird, probably Susan, or one of her descendants, came back with a worm. All the little birdies yelped and squawked as they waited to be fed. The Gems watched them.

"That is still disgusting," said Peridot, as the parent bird regurgitated partially digested food into the hatchlings' beaks.

Lapis shrugged.

They waited until meal time was over, and possibly-Susan had snuggled into the nest, to continue. "The problem is... I know I could go back to Jasper. I know she wants me, one way or another." Lapis closed her eyes. "But... it's probably best for both of us, if we don't—"

"Ever talk to each other? That's impractical."

"It's a big planet."

"That's not what I meant," Peridot said. "It impractical, because if you don't you'll... I don't know. Might do something you'll regret."

"I told you. I'm not going to let Spinel out-"

"That's not what I mean!" Peridot bellowed. Susan glanced up from her sleep and, perhaps seeing her old friends, decided that there was nothing to fear and thus snuggled back in.

"Then what do you mean, Peridot?" Lapis asked sharply. "Stop wasting time and just say it."

"I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself!"

Peridot's words echoed around them. For the first time since this conversation started, Lapis was at a lost for for words.

"You said... you don't want to feel this way anymore. And... if this continues... you might decide that cracking your gem, or worst, would be the only way to stop it..."

"Peridot..."

"I don't want anything to happen to you! You're my friend! I-" Peridot's voice was caught in her throat by a sob. She closed her eyes, her flotation disk falling from her arm. A second passed, and Peridot felt a hand on hers.

She opened her eyes and saw that Lapis had gotten on the same branch as her. She didn't say anything and looked only down at the ground, but her hand remained in place.

"For all that she was," Peridot said, after regaining a bit of herself. "Spinel did have one good idea."

"A weird love of westerns?"

Peridot shook her head. "That talking to each other, not letting these feelings build up and... explode, is a good idea."

Lapis was silent for a second, before saying, "So you think I should speak with Jasper?"

"When you're ready," Peridot added. "But eventually? Yes. I think that would be beneficial. If you keep burying this... something might happen. Something that can't be undone so easily."

"I suppose I have to... at least let her know," said Lapis.

Peridot said nothing.

"I'm going to write her back."

Lapis got up, stretching her wings.

"Where're you going?" Peridot asked.

"The Temple. For paper and stuff." They had that at the barn, but Peridot understood why Lapis wouldn't go there. "And to talk to Steven."

Good. Talking to Steven was good. Talking to anyone was good.

"I'll come with you," Peridot said, taking her disc. They waved bye to Susan, and flew off, together.