The weight of this world was crashing him down, everything, every single thing that happened weighted eavily on his soul and mind. The loss of the people he cared about was too much for him to handle, he felt so useless and so broken, nothing could ever fix him and he knew that. It was the day just before the next expedition and Armin was alone, not because his friends had left him but because he wanted to be, he couldn't be around them, he couldn't stand feeling alone in a room full of people.
At first this feeling of loneliness and sadness wasn't alarming but it got worse and worse with time, his surroundings took a compleately different tone at certain times: a room full of friends was now the loneliest place, seeing them all happy and cheerfull used to make his feel like that too but now he only felt miss understood, how could they all be so happy when life was so miserable and sad?
Armin had trouble sleeping at night sometimes he would wake up as a feeling of panic and anxiety took over him, he felt like he was failing everyone, he felt so useless and he couldn't stand the pressure that people put on him at times, thinking he always knew what to do, he was so afraid to fail, so afraid to get someone killed. He also had troube finding a reason to wake up in the morning, he felt like he had no meaning at all, no matter how many times Eren or Mikasa had tried to convince him otherwise.
Armin just felt so useless, no one would even realise if he was gone, everyone had a role in the Survey Corps: Eren was humanity's hope, Levi was humanity's strongest, Mikasa was unbelievably skilled, Sasha and Connie kept everyone's spirits up, Jean was a good leader and what was he? He felt unnecessary. He was weak and sad, he couldn't do anything to help.
For Armin, everything started to seem off lately, he stuggled to feel happy or hopeful about anything in his life, he would cry himself to sleep for no apparent reason, to him things seemed to move in slow motion, smiling seemed so strange to him: it just felt stiff and awkward, his smiling muscles felt frozen. It was just as if a glass wall was between him and the rest of the world. He wanted to live in his head, to escape from everything and everyone with his thougts, but anything he thought about always lead to something awful. Expeditions and missions felt like a desperate attempt to archive something impossible, everything seemed so hopeless. Armin was sick of it all.
He had thought about getting it over with more times then he could possibly count, but he wasn't even brave enough to do that, he felt like such a coward. He felt like a selfish coward for wanting to run away for the world and his problems, for leaving Eren and Mikasa but also because he couldn't go trough with it, he felt like it was the only option for him, to be relieved of all the pain he had felt and that he was still feeling as his past weighted so heavily on him.
He lost his parents, he lost his grandfather who had raised him, he lost his friend Marco and he risked losing the rest of his friends every single day, he just wanted to be next, to not have to fear losing anyone ever again.
That night he was alone, sitting outside as his friends got drunk in the mess hall, it could have been the last day of their life after all, he didn't blame them for wanting to have fun.
He was staring deep into the forest but he wasn't really focused on it, he was inside his mind, that dark, scary place. The more he thought the more he felt like doing something drastic but he fought in his head to stay where he was, he tried to convince himself that it wasn't worth it and that he would do it another day… But he wouldn't, that night he felt so deeply hurt that he couldn't even breathe or do anything anymore, he was so numb.
So with a deep sigh he stood up and walked to his dorm. He put a hand under the mattress and moved around until his fingers came in contact with the paper, he found what he was looking for. He ran his hands trough his neat hand writing, he re-read it a couple of times, searching for spelling mistakes or something he wanted to add or scratch out.
He had re-written that letter four times a couple of weeks before, when he was about to cut his veins in the bathroom but that time he was interrupted by Jean knocking on the door so he decided it was a sign and that he would wait some more. He kept the letter hidden though, he knew he would probably need it again. And he was right.
He put the letter in his pocket, he sighed and walked to the mess hall, he wanted to see his friends one last time before leaving this world and knowing he would see them for the last time brought tears to his eyes, he loved them all from the bottom of his heart.
When he reached the mess hall he stood at the entrance for a couple of minutes, observing his comrades with a malinchonic smile on his face.
Sasha was probably drunk, dancing around on the tables as Connie laughed his ass off, he must have been drunk too. Eren and Jean were shouting at eachother as Mikasa looked at them with an annoyed frown, ready to separate them if they happened to start a physical fight.
Historia was sitting next to Mikasa, a drink in her hand, she seemed a little more malinchonic then usual, Armin guessed she was probably thinking about Ymir, she had been lonely since she left with Reiner and Bertholdt. Levi was also there, sitting in a nearby table, watching over his new squad but he didn't seem too intrested.
Armin wiped away a tear from his left eye and entered the room, Mikasa turned to look at him right away, she seemed to notice something was off the second he walked in. She shifted to let him sit next to her, he took the invitation.
"Armin, is everything ok?" She asked. Armin nodded and opened his mouth to reassure her but he was interrupted.
"Armin!" Shouted Sasha, standing on the table right in front of him, she kneeled to look him in the eyes and Armin realised she was a lot drunker then he thought at first. "Why aren't you drinkin with us?" She laughed.
"Where were you anyway?" Asked Jean, he was now behind him, he probably got sick or shouting at Eren.
"I don't really drink…" He shrugged. "I was outside, enjoying nature." Armin lied, trying to sound believable.
He spent some more time with his friends, they were all really drunk. Hearing them laugh made Armin realise how much he would miss these idiots but he was too far gone to go back.
"I think I'm going to go to sleep…" forever he added in his head. Armin's tone of voice was bitter but no one seemed to notice, they were all way too drunk.
"Aw, man, seriously?" Answered Connie. "How lame, it's like 11! It could be your last day, don't you want to have fun?" He didn't know he was right about this beeing his last day but if Armin stayed for another minute he would probably end up crying.
Eren got up and wraped his arms around his friend, he would always get a little too cuddly when he was drunk.
"Night Armin.." He said before letting out a laugh, Armin wraped his arms around him too, returning his hug. I will miss you the most.. he thought.
"Goodnight guys… I love you all." He added, without thinking, he just wanted them to know, for the last time.
"Duude, what's with you?" Asked Jean. "It's not like this is the last time we're seeing each other." He laughed, Armin forced out a laugh too.
"Yeah, you're right.. It's just… I felt the impulse to say it." Armin shrugged.
"Aw, maaaan!" Answered Connie. "We love you too!" He put a hand on his shoulder and gave him his brightest smile.
"Yeah, we do!" Agreed Sasha with a smile, just as bright as Connie's.
"Of course we do." Added Eren.
Armin smiled, feeling truly happy for the first time in months.
"Thanks, you guys…" He stayed with them for another couple of minuted until he finally left.
He headed straight for the stables, there was no hesitation, he wanted to do this… he was too broken and for how much leaving his friends hurt him, staying with them with such pain in his heart hurt him even more. In the stables he found a rope and a stool.
He took a walk close to the HQ of the Corps, until he found a tree, close enough for his friends to find him but far enough for not letting anyone see what he was about to do.
He tightened the rope around a branch, hen he stood on the stool and put the rope around his neck, his right hand was honlding on tightly to the letter he had written. He was suddently feeling regretfull again, was it the right thing to do? Would Eren resent him for it? Was it worth it? Would his friends cry when they found him the next day? Who would feel the saddest?
He took a deep breath and suddently, he didn't care, he wanted to be selfish and get it over with so he jumped off the stool, he felt a lot of pain for the first minute but then his hand relaxed and he let the letter fall to his feet.
I know you can't read but I'm hoping someone will read this for you because I really want you to understand my decision, I know it might be really hard for you, you might even hate me for it, we are really different, you know.. but maybe that is why we get along so well.
You are brave, stubburn, idealistic, strong (both physically and psycologically) and nothing can get in your way when you want to achieve something, that is why I truly believe you will suceed, you will see the ocean and finally be free. I'm so sorry that I won't be by your side, I wish I could be, I wish I was strong enough to go on but the truth is I'm not. Everything is crushing me down.
This world isn't for everyone, weak people like me can't take it… I hope you won't feel too sad about my "departure" because it's what I wanted, I chose it and you, or Mikasa, or Jean or anyone couldn't have done anything about it. Please don't feel down because you couldn't save me, even if you tried, you couldn't have… and if I didn't do this I would be dying inside more and more every single day, just like I was for the past year. I couldn't take it anymore.
This is for the best, I got it over with and I'm finally happy now, I will never feel a single negative emotion ever again, I will be free from the weight of this unbearable sadness I have been feeling..
Tell Mikasa that I love her, she's always protected me when I wasn't able to do it myself, she was always right by our side, saving our sorry asses, even if we didn't deserve it.
You both gave me your love, you made my life barable and you gave me a purpose and for that I will always be thankfull. I love you both deeply and saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Tell Jean that I will say hi to Marco for him and that I love him too, tell him that I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I leave the smart strategies to him.
I'm so sorry, I will miss all of you with all of my heart and when I see you on the other side I will hug you so tightly it's goint to hurt, I promise.
Eren, you're humanity's hope and I leave you with one last request: save them all from this hell, give everyone the freedom they deserve… I wish you all the luck in the world.
I'm really sorry..
Jean found him the next day, hung on that branch…
Hey guysss, a couple of you requested Armin so I decided to do him, I think this chapter is a little sadder then the others, maybe cause it had to do with suicide and it kind of reminded me of my favorite singer (Chester from Linkin Park) who recently passed away.. maybe cause I like Armin or maybe cause I was listening to some depressing shit when I wrote it, lol. I hope you like it! Keep telling me who you'd like me to do next in the reviews, I'll probably do Mikasa, Levi or Historia next because they have already been requested, I'll eventually do all of them, I just need a bit of time… thanks for reading!