Author Notes: Hello everyone! Yup, time for another set of characters to be rescued. This time, it's from Bleach because my daughter and I would never be satisfied otherwise. Like our previous Character Rescue Shelter for Naruto, please don't expect any epic sagas or thought provoking plot twists as you will be getting simplified solutions, parody and bizarre tongue in cheek humour instead. Hope you enjoy this series anyway *bows*

General Warnings: Parody, self-insert, tongue in cheek humour and OOCness. Severe OOCness. For the characters that is. Mother and daughter are pretty much IC :p

Chapter Warnings: Spoilers for Bleach Episode 291 (Desperate Struggle with Aizen! Hirako, Shikai!).

Rating: 'T'

Character: Kaname Tousen

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo.

- Chapter Start -

A pair of light purple eyes blinked open, twin eyebrows above them drawing into a frown. There was nothing to see but thick mist everywhere.

But he could see the mist!

Kaname Tousen sat bolt upright and looked around. The last thing he remembered was lying flat on his back with a severed throat. The last thing he said was thanking Komamura and then telling Hisagi he wanted to see his face. The last thing he felt was sadness and regret - wait.

No. The very last thing he felt was this sudden pressure building up inside him... and then waking up here.

Was he dead?

Had Aizen killed him in his final moments?

Kaname bowed his head, the bitter taste of regret in his throat. He hadn't managed to say all that he wanted to Komamura. He hadn't managed to get a good look at Hisagi either, aside from an impression of sharp features and a '69' on his left cheek.

Damn Aizen! And damn Kaname Tousen himself for giving his loyalty and life to him.

Kaname clenched his fists, relishing the bite of his nails in his palms. He had feared a Shinigami's death, but this was far worse - a death full of regrets. And there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it now.

"Komamura, forgive me for deserting you. You were right all along and you deserve a more trustworthy friend. And Hisagi, forgive me for deserting you as well. You deserve a better Captain. I hope you two and the rest of the Gotei Thirteen will be able to stop Aizen."

He didn't hold out much hope for that last one, but he didn't say it aloud.

Standing up, he examined himself - no injuries or ruined throat or Hollow hole in his chest. No doubt his real body was in a far worse condition.. until it turned into spirit particles. He looked up and found the mist clearing. He was standing on a path that led to a small hut in the distance.

How ironic that he had gained back his sight when the two souls he most wished to look upon weren't here. With nothing else left to do, Kaname started towards the hut.

- o -

Inside the hut was nothing but a long counter behind which sat two bespectacled females. They turned to each other and grinned.

"Are you excited, daughter?"

"Of course, mother! This is our second Character Rescue Shelter where we shall bring selected dead characters from Bleach back to life!"

"And where they shall live out the rest of their lives the way we want them to, complete with happiness and true love!"

The daughter cleared her throat.

"Like I said before, mother, not everyone has to have the same ending."

"And like I said before, daughter, of course they do. Complete with wedding vows and lots and lots of babies!"

The daughter took a deep breath and let it out very slowly.

At the knock on the door, they both looked up.

"Ooh, our very first character," said the mother.

"Come in," called the daughter.

The door opened and Kaname Tousen stood there.

"Hello, Kaname," the daughter chirped. "Come in, please."

Kaname came in and closed the door behind him, his purple eyes taking in the room.

"Where is this place? And who are you two?"

Both mother and daughter smiled.

"Who we are is not important. Where we are is not important either."

"What is important is that you can see! Oh, and that we're giving you an opportunity to continue living. Come closer, please."

Kaname frowned as he approached the counter.

"But I'm dead."

The mother waved an airy hand.

"Easily taken care of. Never mind how. All you need to do is tell us that you want to be alive again."

"Of course I want that. If it's possible."

"Atta boy," said the mother approvingly.

Kaname sighed.

"Even though I should say 'No' since I've greatly wronged my best friend, my lieutenant and the Gotei Thirteen."

THWACK!

"Ow!" Kaname rubbed his smarting knuckles while the mother waved a wooden ruler in his face.

"Should say 'No'?" she repeated with gritted teeth.

"After all the trouble we went to?" added the daughter in a menacing tone.

Kaname blinked and took a step back.

"Ah. Yes, I want to be alive again," he said. "I do have something to tell Komamura, and Hisagi too."

Instantly, the two females were all smiles.

"That's better, Kaname," said the daughter.

"We should totally give you an earful about how you always said you chose the path with the least bloodshed, but ended up doing the opposite," said the mother.

Kaname sweatdropped.

"But since Komamura already lectured you on that, we'll let it slide," said the daughter.

"The first thing you should do upon going back is apologise to him for calling him ugly," said the mother sternly.

"On bended knees, mind you," added the daughter.

Neither of them were smiling now. Kaname's eyes widened in shock.

"What?! When did I call him ugly? Why would I call him that?"

"When you were in your Resurreccion mode," said the mother in a stern voice. "And how would we know why?"

"After all, your big insect form - shedding little black bits, ugh! - was way uglier than Komamura could ever be," added the daughter.

"But - but did I really call him ugly?" Kaname felt more wretched than ever, knowing Komamura was sensitive about his appearance. "I don't remember doing that! And it's not true! He's every bit as beautiful - uh, I mean he's regal! And majestic!"

Instantly, the two females were all smiles again.

"Much better," said the mother.

"I'm not sure about the beautiful bit, but yes, apologise," added the daughter.

"I will," Kaname promised. "Did I say anything bad about Hisagi?"

"No, you didn't," assured the daughter.

"But you could mention what a totally rugged heartthrob he is, with interesting tattoos and scars and wonderful muscular arms!" gushed the mother before clearing her throat. "Just saying."

"Motherrrr! They're Captain and Lieutenant!"

"Ex-Captain, daughter. No offence, Kaname. By the way, 'fess up, you've always wanted rub Komamura's ears and belly, haven't you?"

Kaname felt his own ears burn and was sure they would've twitched if they could.

"Motherrrr! He's a Captain too!"

"He's also big and cuddly and totally huggable."

The daughter face palmed before peeking at Kaname who was biting his lip.

"Whatever," she sighed and reached down to heave a glass jar of tiny pink balls onto the counter, "have some peach pills."*

"Peach pills?" Kaname asked as he held out a hand.

"A cure all for any injuries you have sustained whether they are as minor as a paper cut or as major as exploding into a bloodstain," she explained. She dropped two in Kaname's hand. "Please take them now."

"Exploding bloodstain?" Kaname asked.

"Eheh... what bloodstain?" asked the daughter, her voice an octave higher.

"Who said anything about a bloodstain?" asked the mother in a similar voice.

Kaname shook his head and swallowed the pills.

"By the way, in addition to a brand new body, you will also have perfect eyesight."

Kaname sighed.

"I have lived my entire life blind. I don't deserve having the gift of sight now. Hisagi was right. Having sight has made me blinder than ever."

THWACK!

"Ow!" Kaname rubbed the smarting knuckles on his other hand while the daughter waved another wooden ruler in his face.

"OK, OK! I'll accept sight!"

"Much better," said the daughter with a sweet smile.

The mother pointed to a second door with the word 'Exit' printed on it.

"Off you go now and have a wonderful life with your friends. Don't forget what we said."

Kaname nodded.

"I will most likely spend a good part of that in prison, but I will accept my punishment as long as I have a few minutes with Komamura and Hisagi first, to ask their forgiveness."

The two females gave him mysterious smiles.

"Things will work out, love, never fear," assured the mother.

"By the way, Aizen has already been defeated," said the daughter.

"He has? Who killed him?"

"No one killed him, but after Ichigo weakened him, Urahara sealed him off."

Kaname was silent for a moment.

"You don't stand a chance of killing Aizen so don't bother to try," said the mother.

"And don't tell anyone about us, or how you became alive again."

Kaname nodded.

"Thank you very much for this second chance," he said, giving a deep bow before he left.

- o -

Kaname opened his eyes to find himself back on the battlefield. Right in front of him were two Shinigami kneeling on the ground, their heads bowed. He recognised their reaitsu straight off - Komamura and Hisagi.

But where was everyone else, now that Aizen had been defeated?

And what was that huge bloodstain on the ground in front of them?

Wait - didn't the daughter mention something about exploding into a bloodstain?

Kaname grimaced, realising this must be how he had died... and right in front of those two. Taking a step forward, he cleared his throat.

"Komamura. Hisagi."

The two of them jumped to their feet and spun around, eyes widening in shock. Kaname noted the bandages on both of them and realised their wounds had been seen to.

"Tousen?!"

"Captain Tousen! You... you're alive!"

"Yes, I am."

Kaname took a moment to study his ex-Lieutenant. Yes, he could see why the mother had gushed about his rugged good looks.

"But how are you still alive?" Komamura asked, taking a step closer. "We saw you... you..." he waved a paw at the bloodstain behind him and wrinkled his snout.

"Exploded? Yes, I know," Kaname said soberly. "I've been given a second chance, but I'm sorry, I can't say anything more than that. What I can say, however, is this."

He dropped to his knees.

"Forgive me, Komamura. I was told I had called you 'ugly', but I swear I have no recollection of doing so. In any case, it was a lie. You're not ugly at all. You never were."

Komamura's golden eyes softened, a surprised puff of breath leaving his lips. Then he nodded.

"Apology accepted."

"I never cared what you looked like," Kaname continued, "but I have to say, you look magnificent."

There was a definite pink tinge to Komamura's furry cheeks now. Interesting.

"There's no need to exaggerate," he growled.

"I'm serious," Kaname insisted before turning to Hisagi.

"Forgive me, Hisagi, for deserting you. I hope you get to serve a better Captain."

Hisagi nodded and swallowed, looking like he had trouble speaking. He glanced at Komamura who nodded, and then they both rushed forward and pulled Kaname to his feet. In the next instant, he was part of a three way hug, enveloped by two pairs of strong arms.

"I'm glad you're alive, old friend," Komamura said, his deep voice rumbling from his throat.

"We're glad," Hisagi corrected shakily.

Kaname felt his eyes sting and wrapped his arms tighter around his two comrades, the three of them swaying slightly. They only broke apart when they sensed several reiatsu appearing around them.

Kaname turned to face the other battered Captains of the Gotei Thirteen, reading shock, wariness and even hostility in their gazes. He bowed to Commander Yamamoto.

"Captain Commander, I regret following Aizen and I apologise for all the wrongs I have committed. I'm ready to face my punishment now," he said in a steady voice.

"Very well," Yamamoto said. "You will face Central 46 as soon as we return to Soul Society."

Kaname bowed in acceptance, but when he straightened up and saw Komamura and Hisagi's anguished expressions, he felt wretched and guilty all over again.

- o -

The mother and daughter heaved sighs of relief when the Exit door closed.

"Well, that was easier than I thought," said the mother.

"That's because our zanpakuto are imbued with the power of absolute obedience," said the daughter and patted her wooden ruler.

"Indeed they are," agreed the mother, patting her own. "Now, who's next on the list?"

They both looked at a piece of paper taped on the counter.

"Right." The mother brought her two hands together and cracked her knuckles, a grim look replacing her smile. "I can't wait to tell him a thing or two."

"But he turned out to be a good guy in the end!"

"But he's done so many wrongs!"

"But don't you want a happily ever after ending for him and a certain someone? Complete with romance and true love?"

"... fine."

- Chapter End -

A/N: * In the anime Kamisama Hajimemashita, peach pills are the Peach God's special elixir that can heal almost any illness or wound, including a god's.

Thank you for reading! I know some people out there believe Kaname's body exploded due to Soul Suicide, but we think Aizen did it. Can you guess who's next? :)