"Justin!" I yelled, finally waking up from that horrible nightmare. However, my happiness was short lived when I remembered that it wasn't a nightmare... Justin was really gone this time "Sunshine..." I whimpered pathetically.
A year ago I would have rather died than act as the pathetic idiot I've become. But there is a difference between then and now... a year ago I used to have Justin by my side. I scoffed at that thought, I didn't even have him then. He had left me... again. And neither time I could blame him for it, he might have been the one to walk away. But who was the one who kept repeating how the door of the loft was always open, that I wasn't forcing him to stay... making him feel as if he left it wouldn't be a big deal.
That's bullshit! I screamed in my head angrily, but not at him. Never at Justin. Angry at me, for being such a bastard that always breaks whatever he touches.
The worst thing is that I know he always knew I never meant it... at least almost always. The episode with the fiddler the only time he stopped being able to read me as he always only could, but I can't blame him for that. He was in a bad place after the... bashing, and I wasn't taking good enough care of him. However, even then, every time he walks out of the door, he does it knowing that he'll come back. He was always the strong one, the brave one, the more mature one. He would always choose to carry the baggage and the blame of leaving, because he knew that we just needed time apart. That he needed time away from my antagonizing self. Because he knew that if we stayed in the same direction we would end up hurting ourselves so much that not even the love we felt for each other would be able to fix us.
There I said it! What a pathetic cliché I am! That I was only able to learn the lesson when I've lost the most important person in my life. The only man I've ever loved and will always love. I thought sadly at the reminder that I didn't have my sunshine anymore.
I wasn't the same anymore. The only thing I do is sleep (if the nightmares, let me), eat (just enough to survive), make money with Kinnetik (so Gus can have the future I never did), and spend time with my son- my only reason for continuing living. Luckily the girls saw that and stayed In Pittsburgh, so I could see Gus everyday, he's the one that gives me the energy of waking up every morning. I found in Melanie a friend I always thought I had with Michael, but after the way he betrayed me soon after Justin's funeral... he is as good as dead for me.
I didn't trick anymore or go to Babylon, I sold the building as soon as the police were done with the place. I can't even go near that place without hearing bombs or throwing up at the memory of my loved one's bloody corpse. It has been the prom all over again, just amplified by a thousand. I was finally ready to give Sunshine everything he had always wanted from me, and it wasn't monogamy- although I am ready for that as well- or a white fence, but I... just me and my love. Something so simple, yet so scary and complicated at the same time. However... now there is no one to give it to.
I never even liked the party lifestyle! I exclaimed in my head.
I just did it when I was young to forget about my problems, to escape from reality and try to have fun. But that's a joke. I never did have fun, I just felt even more hollow. Then I gained this reputation: The Stud of Liberty Avenue. That's even a bigger joke. I was just a guy, a drop dead handsome man indeed, but a man nonetheless, who went to Babylon to drink, do drugs and have sex- I can do that anywhere but there is a bigger buffet to choose from there. I don't even like- or know for the matter- to dance! I thought when I embrace my new 'me' I would achieve the happiness I've been looking for, and for a long time I thought I did. But at the end of the night the sorrow came back, but duplicated. I continued living like that because it was easy my life back then, empty and sad, but easy. I worked, made money, went only once a week for family dinners, threw money at said family, as my only way of expressing my love for them.
Had in night stands with no feelings and no risk of getting hurt, but even then it hurt whenever I fucked those men. Men that will only see me as a sex God and use me to get the best night of their lives, but why did it hurt even then? Maybe because even then I was looking for more? Unconsciously wanted to find the one that would finally see me for what I am? That would love me for what I am and not what I can give him-money, sex, an exciting life? The one that would love when not even my own family, both biological and adopted, loved me?
But then came Justin, and God knows I wasn't ready for him. Who knows, maybe I would have never been ready for him. But he loved me, not Brian Fucking Kinney. He loved me. He loved this broken, incomplete, shallow man. Who did nothing but hurt him and humiliate him since the moment he stopped being useful, as bad as it sounds, to him. I used him, the same way they used me. And God, was I angry and ashamed. He made me feel dirty for treating him as such, made me feel angry at not being able to enjoy casual sex as I used to- did I ever even enjoyed casual sex? Or was it another way to escape?-, he made me feel angry when I felt guilty for hurting him. I tried my best to push him off the Kinney cliff, his life would have been much better without me. I had sex in front of him, even orgies, to hurt him enough to run off and to show him, show myself, that I didn't care. That Justin wasn't so special. But I am a selfish man, whenever he came back, I always took him in again. He is my worst drug the one I could never get enough, it might have taken me almost five years to admit it but I finally did. And now I'm in abstinence.
Now I am ready for him... for us. But he is gone... and I'm alone.
But that's what I wanted, wasn't it? I scoffed bitterly in my head. Since the moment he stalked me down that first day, I wanted him gone. I wanted my life back. Now that I have it, I should be happy, shouldn't I? My wish came true, Justin is gone and I am single again. The legend of the Stud of Liberty Avenue can live on... THE SAME DAMN REPUTATION THAT TOOK MY SUNSHINE AWAY!
"Whether it's up there... or down, give him to me again please. Just give me a second chance I will pay anything for it. My soul, my beauty, my life, my freedom, my wealth, anything... but please, don't take my Sunshine away... please" fresh tears began to roll down my cheeks again, but this time I couldn't stop them "I will be better this time... I won't hurt him... I'll... I'll treat... him... like the prince... he... is" I was hyperventilating, surely the start of another panic attack. They have become common since the bombing. But I couldn't stop, I didn't know if anyone was listening to me, but I have to have him back "I wo... won't tri... trick... or dri... drink. I... I'll b... b... be... a... go... goo... good... b... b... bo... o... oy".
Everything was starting to turn black, I think I stopped breathing, but just before I passed out a piercing pain attacked my head.