DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*
Boys Don't Cry
SONG BY: Oleander
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
Duo stood silently watching Hilde place the last of her clothes in the worn suitcase. She didn't look up or even acknowledge his presence. The adrenaline rush that had filled him was starting to fade and a cold numbness was taking its place. The tense silence that filled the room was deafening to his ears. He jumped at the loud clicks as she snapped the suitcase shut.
He continued to lean against the doorframe as she pulled the luggage from the bed. Refusing to move, he held his breath as she came closer. He knew he was being a dick but he wasn't going to make this easy.
"Move." Hilde whispered, stopping a foot away from him.
"Why? Why are you doing this?" He asked cringing at the way his voice cracked.
The simple question hung in the air between them as he waited for her answer. An answer he already knew but refused to admit. He wanted to hear her reasons. He wanted to look her in the eye and know this was what she really wanted.
"If you have to ask then you're stupider than I thought." She hissed.
"Stop with the name calling and answer me!" He snapped. At his words she raised her head, the chilling look in her eyes stabbed him right in the heart.
"I want this over! I'm sick and tired of letting you walk all over me. I've given you all I can give and I refuse to do this any more. I've tried to be everything you needed but I can't because you don't need me, Duo. This is just a game to you. Well, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night because I don't know where the hell you are. I'm tired of you're damn mood swings and having to watch what I say and do because God forbid I say what you don't want to hear or do something you consider annoying. This whole relationship is just a big fucking joke!" she snarled, her voice cold as ice.
With each word he could feel her become more and more detached. Taking in what she said he stared at her helplessly. He could sense her slipping away and becoming a stranger right before his eyes. It was as if she had erected a wall between them and he couldn't reach through.
"So you're just going to say to hell with us and walk away, brilliant idea." He whispered hoarsely.
"No, you said to hell with me a long time ago." She said calmly, too calmly.
"I know I've made mistakes and I'm sorry." He said the words knowing he had wasted his breath.
But I know this time I have said too much
Been too unkind
An 'I'm sorry' wasn't going to solve this. He had known that the moment he walked in the house to find her packing her things. She hadn't said a word, no shouting, no accusing, nothing. This coldness that had settled within her terrified him. Yet he put it there and even if he wouldn't admit it out loud he knew it in his heart.
"Oh yeah? Well my mistake was staying this long. It's over Duo, and there isn't a damn thing you can say." She said firmly.
"Don't do this Hilde, please." He whispered painfully.
"I'm sorry but it's over."
She said the words quietly but the finality in them was unmistakable. He lowered his eyes not wanting her too see the agony her words caused. Unable to breathe he stepped aside and let her pass. She didn't say anything else as she walked to the living room and grabbed her purse. She set the suitcase down and pulled out her keys. He barely heard the clink of metal as she placed the house key on the coffee table. Then grabbing her suitcase she walked to the door pausing only to glance back at him once more before uttering the two words that would kill him.
Then without a second glance she was gone.
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness plead with you
The sound of the door slamming echoed in his ears. All at once the numbness that filled him disappeared and pain, burning suffocating pain, crushed his chest as he tried to draw in a deep breath. Nothing in his life had ever hurt this bad. In his mind her words chanted in taunting whispers….It's over Duo….goodbye….
He had never seen that look in her eyes before. Her beautiful blue eyes had always been filled with love. Always so kind and caring and alive, either sparkling with mischief or glowing with passion. But tonight they had been filled with ice, dead and cold, the sparkle gone and replaced by barely concealed rage. His heart twisted viscously knowing he put that rage there.
He closed his eyes as he collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor. She wanted out. There was nothing he could do. No words he could say that would change her mind. No amount of pleading or begging would bring her back. He had just lost the only thing that was worth any value in his life.
But I know that it's no use
Now there is nothing I can do
He had seen the determination in her eyes. He had seen the lack of emotion and in its place the bitter accusation she threw at him. He laughed to himself harshly. She must have had this planned. She was too calm and composed, too focused and assured of her decision. Not a bit of hesitation while ripping his heart to shreds.
No, there was nothing he could have said that would have changed her mind. It was more than obvious that she didn't love him anymore. God, if only it were that easy. If only he could turn off his emotions and push this away and go on like it didn't happen, like his whole world hadn't just crumbled to dust. Why? Why couldn't he just push her out of his mind? Why couldn't he stop seeing the hateful rage burning in her eyes?
Because you lost everything important when she walked out the door. He listened to the words as they repeated themselves in his head. Did she feel anything? Or was she happy to finally be away from him? She didn't understand and she never tried! There was a reason he hung out at the bar three or four times a week. It wasn't to drink and it wasn't to avoid her. He needed that time alone. He needed that time to be just another face in the crowd and not have to deal with his constant laughing mask. If he had stayed here she would have done nothing but worry and in turn make him nervous. But did she know that? No. Did she even ask to find out? No. Was he going to kiss her ass? Maybe he should have.
No! He wasn't going to let her decision completely destroy him. He laughed bitterly. Yeah right, it was already killing him. Sighing in defeat he hung his head despairingly.
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
Duo grinned as he propped himself on the wooden stool facing the bar. The familiar and hazy atmosphere did nothing to relieve the tension vibrating through his body. He kept the silly smile plastered to his face as Nick gave him his usual. His gaze dropped down to the amber liquid sloshed over the rim of the shot glass. A few of these and he wouldn't even remember her name. His smile turned spiteful as he swallowed the burning liquid. He grimaced at the pain as he raised his hand and hailed another.
He watched as Nick started to pour another shot of the home brew stuff and grabbed his wrist before he could pull away. The bottle was a little more than half full and Duo wasn't in the mood to take things slow. A shot at a time was going to drive him nuts.
"How much for the bottle?" he asked.
The red haired bartender laughed as he gave Duo a measuring look. The look turned to concern and Duo winced. He really didn't want a lecture right now and he really, really didn't want to talk about his strange mood the last few weeks. Three weeks, four days, twelve hours, and thirty-six minutes to be exact.
"Man, do you have any clue what drinking this much of this stuff will do to you?" Nick asked.
"Nope and don't care. I wanna get piss ass drunk. I want to have the worst hangover tomorrow so I won't be able to think. I want to get good fucked up, got it?" Duo laughed.
"Mind telling me why, Duo?"
"Let's just say it's this or go crazy. Which would you rather?" Duo questioned, his teasing smile not reaching his eyes.
"Twenty credits. But I'm callin' you cab like it or not." Nick said as he handed the bottle to Duo in exchange for the blue credit chip.
"Whatever, man" Duo said as he got up from the bar and made his way to a dark booth in the corner. Taking another swig of the extra strong burning whiskey he smiled more than ready to drown out the intense pain permanently lodged in his chest.
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Duo stared at Quatre's face glad he was on the vid-phone and hours away on L4. The concern and disappointment in the soft aqua eyes made him grit his teeth. He knew he looked like shit and he felt like shit too. And no matter how bad the loneliness got he would never ever do again what he did the night before. If he thought the crap burned going down…..
"Duo, I want you to come stay with me for couple of days, okay." The blond boy demanded softly. Even though the words were spoken low Duo squeezed his eyes shut as throbbing, clawing pain ripped through his head.
"I'm fine right here." He muttered.
"Duo, you're not fine and you know it. Look at you, I'm sorry but you're coming whether you want to or not." Quatre huffed.
Duo looked at the screen and smirked. So little Quatre had a backbone after all. Well he still wasn't a match for Shinigami. He opened his mouth to speak but the pain burst inside his head again. Looking up through one cracked open eye, Duo cast a curious glare at Quatre.
"Have you ever gotten drunk?" he asked.
"No Duo." Quatre sighed.
"Smart boy!" he laughed then moaned and clutching his head again.
"You don't have to pretend. I know Hilde left. I'm not going to sit around and let you do this to yourself because of it." The boy stated sadly.
Despite the pain Duo's head snapped up at his words. That was the first time he heard her name spoken since she left. He had even refused to say it out loud in an attempt to eradicate her existence from his mind. But hearing the name, all at once the pain that had been curiously numb all morning came rushing back in one big agonizing wave. He lowered his head hoping Quatre didn't see the effect of his words. Feeling the desperate need to be in control and terrified of letting his real feelings show he forced his lips to curve into a smile. Letting the glimmer of insane amusement enter his eyes Duo looked at Quatre and laughed manically.
"Funny you should mention the Bitch. You know, I'm glad she left. Do you have any idea what its like to live with constant nagging? Nothing you ever do is good enough. Its sucks! Trust me Quatre, for the love of God or Allah or whatever, stay single as long as possible."
He watched Quatre eyes widen and he struggled to keep his expression normal. Inside he was seething. Why did that jerk have to mention HER? The first fucking time he'd gotten any peace and the prick just had to say it. Well fuck them all! He was staying right here in his little house and nobody was going to make him leave. Not even little blond fag boy.
"Duo, you shouldn't talk about Hilde that way." Quatre said.
There he went again. Calm Duo, calm down. The mental warning did nothing to sooth the red rage that was slowly staring to consume him. How dare he take up for her! She was the one who left. She was the one who wasn't satisfied till she completely destroyed him. She knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. So why did he have to mince words? Because she won Quatre over with her sob story? Ha! Like hell! No fucking way!
"There are two sides to every story Quatre. Before you buy every word she whines just remember that I never tried to hurt her. She left me high and dry without a second thought. She was the one who didn't give a damn. So I'm sorry if I lack sympathy now but it's a little hard to respect her choice and feel sorry for her." He said surprised at how calm he sounded despite the anger raging inside.
"I'm sorry Duo. I didn't mean to sound like you're wrong. Look, this isn't easy for her either. I know I talked to her. If you love her Duo then maybe you'll see things from her perspective too." Quatre whispered.
"Love! You don't know a damn thing about love. She doesn't love me anymore and I could care less. I don't know what she told you and I don't want to know. Just leave me the fuck alone!" Duo hissed as he abruptly ended the connection.
Cuz boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
He continued to stare at the blank vid-screen as he tried in vain to keep his cool. Almost instantly the screen beeped but before video link could be established he reached down beside the bed and ripped the plug out the wall. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to do anything. Lying on the bed he pulled a pillow over his head blocking out all light. Almost instantly he was assailed with the apple sent of her shampoo. His stomach flipped and his breath caught in his chest. God, he missed her.
He could feel the sudden burning in the back of his throat. He could feel the pressure of tears forming behind his eyes. He wanted to cry so badly but he knew it was impossible. This was as close as the tears would come. He hadn't cried in years and now he had lost the ability. But she was worth tears. She was worth blood and pain. No matter how angry he wanted to get he couldn't hate her. He wanted to but he just couldn't. He still loved her.
I would tell you that I love you
If I thought that you would stay
Gripping the pillow in his clenched hands he wondered if she felt anything for him. Probably not. As the thought crossed his mind he laughed. Yeah asshole, she left you because she still loved you. Shaking his head forced himself to breathe in the familiar sent. Apples, she always used that shampoo.
Closing his eyes he let the faint fragrance take over his senses. In his mind he could picture her clearly, her midnight hair and her porcelain skin. If he concentrated hard enough he could almost feel her soft skin against his fingertips. His lips tingled as he imagined what it had been like to kiss her. The feel of her still surrounded him not letting him go. At night in the dark he could swear he felt her warmth beside him. The sound of her voice still rang in his mind. He could clearly hear her say 'I love you' back when she had meant it.
Running his hand over the empty space beside him he took in the feel of the cool sheets. No body heat to warm them, no soft impression of her petite frame and no feel of her skin beneath his hand. How much longer could he pretend that it didn't matter? How much longer till the loneliness and longing that filled him consumed everything, even his mind?
But I know that its too late
Cuz you've already gone away
He had no answer. The only thing that he knew for sure was that she was gone. She wasn't going to come back and she wasn't going to forgive him. She had made her choice and his only options now were to either live with it or go crazy and do something stupid. He could feel his grip on things slip a little more everyday. That was beginning to scare him. She would lose all respect for him if he let her win that easily, not that she had much respect left if any.
Damn it! That's what she wants. She wants me to cry and beg and plead and make a fool of myself just so she can throw it back in my face!
He couldn't let that happen. He had to be strong, the God of Death could never let a woman defeat him. No, he wouldn't beg or play her little game. Let her win over all his friends, he didn't need them either. He had himself and he was alone but that's all he needed. Shinigami walks alone. That thought had kept him focused for so long and now it was time he became focused again. Maybe she had done him a favor by destroying his heart. At least he would never love again.
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
But it was all his fault no matter how he looked at it. He really couldn't expect her to put up with his bullshit forever could he? But if she loved him, really loved him like she swore then she would have tried, right? Maybe she did try. Maybe he was just too caught up in his own demons to realize she was wearing thin. If only she would realize he wasn't trying to hurt her.
But every relationship he'd ever been in had ended on the same note. He never wanted to hurt those he loved but for some reason he always did. One way or the other he hurt them and usually with the cost of their lives. Hilde was alive and kicking so that was some comfort to his broken soul but not nearly enough. Nothing would be sufficient till he could hold her in his arms again. And that wasn't likely to happen.
I took you for granted
I thought you needed me more
She didn't want him anymore. It was that simple. No amount of love and apologies would bring her back because she had found something else that could take his place. Whether it's inner strength or another guy or whatever it was she didn't need him. She had waked out the door eager to get away.
Unable to stop his thoughts from the path they took he suddenly felt sick as his mind showed his teasing images of Hilde in someone else's arms. Kissing, touching, turning her glowing blue eyes on someone else. Taking a deep breath he fought the nausea that rolled in his stomach.
He couldn't think about that, it would definitely drive him over the edge. Besides, it was none of his business if she was seeing someone new. She wasn't his girl anymore. He had no claim or hold on her. She was no longer a part of his pathetic life. And it really was a pity that he hadn't realized just how much he needed her till she left. Of course, how was he supposed to know that she was his life and that without her he would be nothing? But then he'd never thought she'd actually get the balls to leave. He'd just assumed she'd be there. He assumed that she needed him as much as he needed her. He never once questioned if he was mistaken. Now that one underestimation of her character left him out in the cold.
I would do almost anything
To get you back by my side
Sitting in his usual spot at the bar Duo stared vacantly into his coke. Nick had laughed at the request of a non-alcoholic drink. Three weeks and Duo's stomach was still weak from that last experience and he really didn't need another hangover.
As usual he blocked out the atmosphere and the noise. There was nothing for him here just as there was nothing at 'home'. But the place wasn't even a home anymore. He slept there, well what little rest he could call sleep, but that was it. For the most part he tried to keep himself occupied and out of the house as much as possible. There were just too many things that brought up HER. Like pictures he couldn't bare to take down even though it had been nearly two months since she left.
Two months and he hadn't heard a damn thing from her. Not that he expected to but he didn't get how she could just up and leave and then forget all about him. That was something that hurt. To know that she wasn't wondering about how he was, that she didn't think about him constantly, that she could probably sleep at night despite the fact that she ruined his life. He really hated to give her that much credit but it was true.
Closing his eyes he rested his head on his arm. God, he would do anything just to see her again. Regardless of everything the need to see her was there lurking behind every thought. It was something that was imbedded within him. He didn't understand why he loved her and he guessed he never would. It was just something abut her that had caught him and it was as addictive as a drug. He wasn't complete unless she was there. He wasn't happy unless she was there. Well, now she wasn't there and he was screwed.
But I'll just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
The sound of laughter filled his ears and he lifted his head. Three seats down a young couple about his age were getting frisky while trying to share one barstool. He smiled slightly at the obvious affection between the two. Unable to tear his gaze away his chest tightened painfully. He knew it was silly to be jealous of the couple's happiness but logic wasn't working. It seemed everywhere he looked he found happy people. Couples holding hands, kissing, laughing, talking, the simple things he took for granted until he lost the only person he wanted to share those things with. Now with jealousy and misery as his constant companions he was starting to get fed up.
Sighing tiredly he turned his gaze back to the dark liquid in the glass before him. He had to move on, it was that simple. He couldn't spend night after night sitting in this bar drowning his sorrows and he couldn't spend the rest of his life dwelling on his sorrows. He fucked up. She walked out. End of story.
Was this routine what he really wanted? It hurt, it hurt bad to admit that there was no hope but he had to be fair to himself. No he didn't want to spend the rest of his life living with this pain. He would never forget Hilde, that would be impossible. But he had to stop thinking about her. He had to stop waiting for her phone call that's not going to come. He had to stop listing for the sound of her voice everywhere he went. He had to stop looking at everyone else and hating them because they were living.
Cuz boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
He pressed his fingers to his eyes as he felt the tears that wanted to come. It was a lot easier said than done but none-the-less it could be done. He could live again. One day he would look back and not feel anything, but not tonight. Tonight was the last time he would give himself the luxury of letting his soul shed the tears his eyes couldn't.
A.N.- This fic is what happens when my little angst muse decides to control my creativity. Sorry, I know it's sad and depressing and its killing me that this ends so…..miserable. I'm addicted to angst, what can I say. Too all my readers, thanks a bunch and I hope you enjoy the story. (if you're crying I'm so so sorry) I promise my next one will be happy, I hope!J Thanks again, love ya guys!!!!!!