Crack fic. After BD. Our husbands are cheats? So now we're going to dress up in costumes and do the unthinkable? And how does Jane make such a cute supervillianess? But more importantly, the Volturi playing our game as the villains? Will Manhattan survive? Will we?

Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humour/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,840 - Reviews: 10 - Updated: 2/10/2011 - Published: 2/10/2011 - [Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Renesmee C./Nessie]


It was a normal every day… day. Yep, that's what I would like to say, but for the past few months, the days have been anything but normal. I know being a vampire, I have no right to expect anything to be normal but I do. And the days normally are. Or should I say were.

However, lately my husband Edward has been impossible to bed. Seriously, it's like he no longer feels the urge. Well with me anyway. I'm starting to think he might be cheating on me. Though I suppose I could be paranoid. After all we have been together now for more than twenty years. Maybe he just doesn't feel like it much. Or he could be saving up all of his pent up sexuality to give me a night I'll remember for a few years to cum… pun intended.

Then again. That really isn't the sort of thing Edward would do. He's not big on trying new things sexually. Well, he's never tried much with me. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

And to add to my confusion about all of this, only Carlisle and Esme seem to be getting anything from their partners. Namely each other. It's so unfair. I can see Jasper managing to hold out on Alice, but not Emmett holding back on Roselle. Seriously, I actually caught them begging, but getting turned down. But what my two sisters failed to notice is the guilt and regret written clearly on their faces.

I really need to know what's going on. Are they cheating? If so then that means Edward's probably cheating on me too.

Alice has also started acting weirdly around me and the others. She keeps pulling weird faces when she sees our guys and won't stay in a room with anyone for too long. If she's seen something in her visions, the clairvoyant isn't talking. She seems both confused and upset.

It brought me to the conclusion that she knows something and doesn't like it. She barely even talks much any more I think Rose has noticed to as I've seen her staring at Alice with mixed expressions. Damn this is depressing. So depressing in fact that I keep subconsciously flaring my shield around, shielding everyone's minds from Edward just to get some kind of attention.

It doesn't go so well. He'll just look at me strangely before looking relieved. It's freaking annoying, because now I'm shielding the family constantly. He hadn't even mentioned it. And now the only time they're not being protected is when I leave the house for a while.

My shield has grown quite powerful over the past twenty years and its cloak can cover just less than fifteen miles. It allows me to feel and sense anyone within it. And those I know I can detect with ease. Everybody seems to have a different flavour that I can pick up on.

However, mental shield is just one aspect of my power. My power is that: shield. Those within several metres of me can be stopped by an invisible force field. I suppose I could surround someone in a shield and crush them if I wanted. I've already discovered I can launch the shield sending someone flying: namely my test subject: Emmett

If it's not all of that to worry about, its mine and Edward's daughter, Reneesme: or Nessie for short. She's been having difficulties with Jacob. He wants a relationship and she doesn't. I feel a little sorry for the guy… only a little. I had barely restrained from laughing when she proclaimed she likes women in front of him, his pack, and our family. Though that was partially to do with Edward's expression; seriously, he needs to get out more.

Though I'm not too sure about that any more, as he spends way too much time 'out,' now for my liking. When he, Jasper, and Emmett leave together on hunting trips, they travel so fast out of my cloak that I barely have time to notice. It's driving me crazy, and I really need a good seeing too. I've even considered getting a toy, but fear of discovery is too embarrassing.

Well, anyway. I'm not sure whether Nessie is actually gay or not or whether she said that to get Jacob off her back for a while. Not that I care one way or the other. I'll love her no matter what. Plus, I'm one to talk. I've been checking out both Rose and Alice wondering which one would be willing to get off with me, just to satisfy our needs. Before Alice started acting weirder than usual, I was certain she would be ideal.

Hmm, maybe that's one reason she doesn't want to hang out with me any more She had a vision of us having wild demonic sex? Oh, fuck. Just thinking about it is making me horny in the middle of Seattle. Damn Bella Cullen get a hold of your self, and don't make that sound too dirty.

I shake my head clear as I head back towards my car. It's already dark and I'm sure Esme will start to worry if I'm not home soon. Well, without calling to let her know. I'm not sure if Edward would even notice I'm missing. It's been almost four months since he's took notice of me.

I sigh in exasperation when I hear a terrified scream coming from a nearby alley. I pause in surprise. A woman was begging someone for help. Now, I know I really shouldn't but I lost all reason as I heard the ripping of material. I took a quick look around. The street I was on almost completely empty.

My body moved almost independently from my mind as I moved at super speed, stopping just in the alley. There… three men laughing. One already had his little Weiner out ready to commit the act while his two friends held the young girl down. She couldn't be any older than sixteen.

I wasn't sure what to do for a moment before I just charged. Silently like the predator I am. However, I was not going to eat them, just beat the crap out of them. I'm a very frustrated woman after all. This might relieve some tension. Plus the growing boredom life seems to be offering since Edward stopped paying me any attention is insufferable.

I crashed into the guy with his pecker out, making sure to keep in the shadows. He screamed out in agony. I heard his bones crack and brake, and smelt blood as he crashed into the wall of a building. He lay on the floor unmoving as I turned my attention to the other two men and the barely dressed girl.

The two men were wide eyed with confusion and fright. I felt a growl roll through my chest, though I'm certain they never heard it. And I'm certain they couldn't see my face in the shadows either.

The first of the men finally got over his shock and grit his teeth in anger, as he released the girl. He grabbed a nearby metal pole before charging at me with it. He swung, and I caught it, crushing the metal in my grip before my free hand wrapped around his throat. I hissed, and I'm sure he heard it being this close. It was the first time in my immortality I have ever considered drinking human blood.

However, the thought was only fleeting before I threw him into his still shocked friend, knocking them both out, and bloodied to the ground. there's no way I'm letting that things blood touch my lips.

I looked down at the girl. She was shaking, and looking up at me with mixed fear, admiration, gratitude, and awe. I had to hold back a smile, and try not to think dirty things or I'll be the one raping her, as she has some nice breasts.

"Call the cops and get out of here!" I hissed, my throat hitching with my primal needs.

The girl just nodded in fear as I turned to leave, still keeping to the shadows. But I paused as her trembling voice called out to me.

"W-who are y-you?" she asked as her voice quivered and her heartbeat increased, pumping her sweet blood faster.

I turned my head slightly looking towards her, thinking quickly. I can't exactly tell her my real name. My family and I have been in Forks for too long as it is. For a moment, I didn't know what to say, and I probably should have just left and said nothing. But I was in a funny mood so I answered with the first thing to come to mind.

"I'm… Eclipse," I told her. To be honest, the only reason I came up with it was because of the lunar eclipse a few nights ago.

With my name given to the stumped girl, and the fact I've already shown off super strength I thought it wouldn't matter what I did next. I crouched down and leapt up. I practically ran up the building. But her gasp didn't escape my attention as I reached the roof.

I smiled in excitement as I gracefully landed on the rooftop. That was too much fun. Damn if my heart still beat, it would be pounding painfully in my chest. In truth, I was grinning from ear to ear all the way back to my midnight blue Mitsubishi. The only reason I bought it was to stop my family from forcing me to drive a sports car, so I compromised with the EVO 21. I'm surprised they haven't come up with an original name for this modal in twenty years. Well, I suppose whatever works.

It didn't take me too long to get home and park up outside of the house. I entered to find everybody home not that I hadn't sensed them ages ago. They were just mulling around the lounge looking uncomfortable and silent as the news played on the Holo Screen TV, as Carlisle likes to keep up to date with things. Technology sure has progressed a lot in twenty years, from HD to 3D, and now Holographic. But I'm still eager for flying cars and space ships.

Though, I may have a few centuries for the later. You know, to boldly go where no vampire has gone before.

When I entered the lounge, the quiet only seemed to intensify. Only Carlisle and Esme were sitting together with everybody else spread around the room standing as if waiting for nobody to notice them bolting for the door.

I internally sigh as I give my daughter a quick peck on the cheek in greeting. She gave a tight smile in return, obviously very uncomfortable. I looked up to see Edward's relief as my shield now engulfed everyone. And Jasper relaxes a little as my shield dampened his empathic ability a little.

What the hell am I their weed or something? Freaking asses. I barely held back from growling at the jerks. We're supposed to be family and we can't even talk to each other any more. I'm blaming the guys, because they've obviously done something. Either stupid, or both, as in they're cheating on us. Or we could just hope they're guilty of a serious crime and they're just too a shamed to be near us for long. Though, I'm not holding out too much hope on the last one.

I sigh quietly as I moved to stand near Alice. Though I'm sure, they all heard my sigh no one but Alice looked at me. I returned her gaze and found myself looking her up and down. She looked to fight a smile for a moment before turning back to the TV. Damn, I hope I didn't do something stupid or embarrassing in a vision. Though, knowing me it was both.

I internally shrugged as I looked towards the Holo Screen too. The reporter was speaking live from Seattle. I wonder what that's about.

"Earlier on this evening," she began in that way television reporters do. It hasn't changed in twenty years. I guess some things never will. "Three would be rapist were caught in the act and captured." I held back a gulp as my eyes widened a fraction. Please if there are any gods; don't let them be the ones I beat up. It made things worse that everyone was now paying close attention.

"A fifteen year old high school girl was saved this evening," the reporter continued to my growing unease. But I quickly squished that down as I can't fully stop Jasper's power and he'll notice.

"By a young woman who supposedly called herself Eclipse. The victim herself commented that Eclipse moved too fast for her to see and had such strength as to crush one of the rapist throat, and lift him off the ground, before jumping twelve storeys onto the roof of a nearby building."

My family and I tensed at this piece of information. I'm just glad they all reacted too or I might have been caught already. And I'm sure they wouldn't be too happy with me.

"Sounds like a vampire to me," commented Carlisle almost to him self.

Damn him, I thought as all eyes turned to me. I put on my innocent, annoyed face and glared at them. "Hey, don't look at me. I was nowhere near Seattle today," I lied easily. I swear, vampires are created liars.

"Don't lie Bella," said Edward smoothly, calling my lie. "You said you were going to Seattle today."

"I was," I retorted in annoyance. "But I changed my mind."

"Then where were you all day?" he demanded, getting annoyed and angry with me.

I glared at him, a growl tearing from my throat. "That's none of your business jerk." A low hiss spit through his teeth, but I continued anyway. "If you must know, I've been out driving all day. Doing nothing of real importance. Now why don't you explain to me what your fucking problem is before I come over there and rip your fucking balls off," I hissed; my anger and frustrations getting the best of me.

The men in the room winced, except Edward as he growled in anger. "Me? I don't have a problem 'Isabella'," he spat my full name mockingly.

"Oh, yeah sorry. It's obviously your time of the century," I retorted with a mocking smirk. "So don't give me no bullshit Edward, you can just take a short walk in a freaking mine field. I've had enough of this. Whoever's fucked up just say so now before we end up killing each other?"

My golden eyes blazed over everyone, and noticeably Jasper and Emmett flinched, but Edward was too angry to care. But nobody said anything in reply.

I looked at Alice to see her fighting tears that wouldn't fall anyway and my gaze softened. "Then I guess it's something I haven't done yet if none of you are taking responsibility."

"No… you haven't done anything wrong and weren't planning to until a few months ago," she told me in barely a whisper.

"Alice shut up!" Edward demanded heatedly.

"No, you shut up Edward!" interrupted Roselle suddenly. "I wanna know what you three idiots have done too?" she said turning her gaze to Alice. "Plus what Bella has been considering?" she asked the last in complete curiosity.

However, Alice kept tight lips, but it seemed Edward was not as nice about it. "She been contemplating fucking you both!"

Gasps ran around the room, and Rose's eyes widened in shock. However, I looked away and glared at Edward. "Well, I probably wouldn't be if you were giving me some. Maybe I should just replace you with some toys. They'll probably do a better job anyway."

Edward glared, but Emmett had the audacity to laugh until Roselle's icy glare shut him up. "Don't laugh Emmett, maybe I should too? God only knows how much better they'll make me feel."

"They got drunk and fucked each other!" Alice suddenly screamed out, dry sobbing. I froze in complete shock. In fact, the only sound around was the TV and Nessie's heartbeat.

What the fuck? Can vampires get drunk? This is news to me. Holy shit, did they really screw each other. Oh god, my husbands gay? Yes, that has to be it. My freaking husband bats for the other team. Oh, crap. What the hell am I going to do? Leave him? Where too though? Will Alice and Rose come with me?

No, no, no… that can't be true. I finally shake my head in denial. And we all seem to turn to them at once to see looks of horror on their faces. "Y-you cheated on us w-with each other!" Roselle's voice was calm. In fact, I think she was in shock. "And you're trying to blame alcohol. We're not human you idiots we can't get drunk!" she hissed the last making them flinch as she came further out of her shock.

"W-well, we didn't think so either Rose," Emmett said nervously. "But Jasper dared me to down a whole bottle of vodka. It's his fault; blame him. I could barely stand up straight, my senses and balance just seemed to disappear. They said I was faking so I dared them to go buy some more and drink it. And well, we were bad, and wrong."

I couldn't take it any more, as my lips twitched I suddenly burst out laughing. The others all jumped as I grabbed my guts. I couldn't help my self, maybe I'm being hysterical as I point at them.

"Alice!" I cry out through my laughter. "Our freaking husbands are poofs!" Oh fuck, why is this so funny? I should be furious, but I can only laugh. Heck, what idiots. "Oh fuck, now I don't have to feel as guilty about wanting to fool around with you!" I swear if I weren't a vampire I would have cracked a few ribs from laughing so hard.

Alice patted my arm to get my attention. I let myself calm down a little as I looked at her. She wore a slight amused smile. "A-are you going to be OK?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know, but I think I'll be needing the liquor store myself. You and Rose wanna tag along?"

"No!" Edward interrupted. "You're not going anywhere near that foul stuff!" he said taking a step forward but ran into an invisible wall.

"Well I don't see why you three should get to have all the fun!" Rose piped in with a cruel smirk. "If you guys enjoyed all of the fun you had together, we're through. If not we'll be back in four months, right girls. The same amount of time you've been fucking with our heads."

Alice and I shared a look of surprise before nodding in agreement. "And if we see any of you anywhere near us!" Alice and I hissed at them. "We'll disappear for a year!"

They gulped as the three of us turned to leave. "B-but Bella, what will you be doing?" Edward asked nervously.

I turned to him and gave him my sweetest smile. It most certainly did not reassure him. "I think I'll find out how hard it is to have sex with a human girl without hurting her." I said mocking his weakness while I was human. "The curiosity is driving me crazy." I turned from him to Rose and Alice in amusement. "I 'BET' I can bed a human girl and make her squeal in pleasure before either of you, without leaving one bruise."

Alice and Rose both grinned widely. "You're on!" they both chimed in delight as we exited the house leaving the others behind.

"This is your entire fault Emmett!" we heard Edward hiss angrily. "And we can't even follow them, because even if we get passed Alice, Bella will sense us long before we get to them."

"MUM, Aunt Alice, Aunt Rose, don't leave me here with them!" Nessie cried out as she chased after us. "I'm coming too," she added as she climbed into the back seat of my car with Rose. Alice sat in the passenger seat next to me.

I smiled at my daughter in the rear view mirror before pulling out of the drive and speeding towards the highway. "So what exactly are we going to do, and where are we going?" Rose asked after about twenty minutes of silence.

"Bets still on," Alice informed her with a sly grin startling Rose, but I was all for it. "Though Bella's little stunt in Seattle has given me a fun idea for us in New York City!" she chimed cheerfully. I was about to say it wasn't me but she interrupted. "And don't deny it, 'Eclipse'. It had never crossed my mind until you did it. But we'll all need super hot outfits."

I looked over at her cautiously. "Oh god, and who are you going to be? Pixygirl?"

"Silly Bella, of course not," she answered as if it was obvious. "I'm going to be Midnight of course."

"Oh crap, Bella I think she's serious!" Rose exclaimed with a groan. "Well if we're playing this silly game, I get to pick my own name. I'll be…"

"Blizzard because you can be so cold Aunt Rose," interrupted Nessie in amusement.

Rose blinked in surprise before grinning. "Sounds good to me."

"What about me?" Nessie asked. "I wanna superhero name too."