Series of short one-shots crackfics where Harry questions the wizarding world, his friends, teachers, and 'mentors', & the bad going on around him.

Crossover - Harry Potter & Toaru Majutsu no Index/とある魔術の禁書目録 - Rated: M - English - Humour/Parody - Chapters: 13 - Words: 16,102 - Reviews: 67 - Updated: 2/3/2014 - Published: 10/9/2013 - [Harry P., OC, Kuroko S., Mikoto M.]

0oo00oo0

"So… I'm a wizard…?" the boy asked the large man, blinking owlishly.

"Yep, an' a migh'y good en I'd wager!" he boomed out loudly.

"And my parents were a witch and wizard too?" he asked, brightening in the knowledge that his parents loved him.

The giant of a man nodded his head.

The boy frowned. "Then you took me to… 'them'?" he asked gesturing to his cowering 'relatives'.

"I sure did!" he agreed eagerly.

"Then you gave me to some old guy?"

"Great wizard tha' man, great wizard!" he said, nodding again.

The boy rose an eyebrow. "So then this old man left me on, their," he nodded at his relatives. "Doorstep in the cold morning of November first after I was blasted in the face by the most deadly cursed ever created and survive?"

"Yep, tha' about covers it," he agreed. "I'm glad you understan'," he said with a bright grin.

"So, let me get this straight," the boy said, and the giant nodded for him to continue, eager. "You kidnapped me after my mother and father had just been murdered. Then you give me away to some old man who then dumped me on a doorstep in winter, in the dead of night while I was just fifteen months old where I could have died of hypothermia, or wandered off if I woke up, got hit by a car or kidnapped. Then leaving me with magic hating racists who would love for me to die horribly because of what I am. That's not mentioning nobody bothered to take me to see a doctor?"

"W-well umm…" the large man spluttered out as he looked at the eleven year old boy, no longer smiling. "He said it's all for the Greater Good. That you'll be 'appy with ya family. He says ya safe 'ere."

"Yeah, I was so safe and happy!" he said sarcastically. "I'm out! Why would I want to go to this 'school' that is run by some whacko old man who hired you to kidnap me and then dump me on the doorstep of racist strangers! Good evening sir, but you can leave now!"

He turned away and left the room and the flabbergasted giant.

0oo00oo0

"So… OK, I think I understand!" the young boy of just eleven that day said with a great big nod and a humongous smile aimed at the giant of a man.

"See… ya a wizard, 'Arry!"

"Harry!" he corrected.

"Right, 'Arry!" he agreed smiling.

"Harry!" the boy again corrected with that megawatt grin still in place as he strained to look up. "Did you know you have crumbs in your beard?" he asked, smile never leaving as the giant man brushed his face looking embarrassed.

"Righ', shall we go then 'Arry?"

"Its right, and Harry!" the boy corrected again, which seemed to make the large man uncomfortable. "Shall we go then Mr. Hagrid?" he asked eagerly.

"Just 'Agrid is fine 'Arry!"

"Oh, OK Agrid!" he readily agreed, which made the large man's eye twitch.

However, Agrid smiled after a moment and opened the door out into the bright sun of number four Privet Drive. He led the boy out, leaving the boys terribly terrified relatives behind. He didn't seem to mind, and they seemed more than eager for them to leave.

"So, Agrid. How are we going to get to this… 'magical' world?" he asked eagerly.

"By train o' course," he responded as if that should have been obvious. "But firs', we gotta ge' ta the station, so… I got some of ya muggle money!"

"I see. So that's what you call us, huh?" the boy asked, eager for some more information as the giant man wasn't very well informed himself, so he has to take what he can get.

"Yep, t'ats right, 'Arry!"

"And we're going to get to the Diagon Alley by train?"

"O' course we are!" he agreed.

Harry nodded his head in thought. "So the Diagon Alley must be somewhere in the UK!" he mused to himself thoughtfully.

However, Hagrid was getting confused so just nodded along anyway and answered. "Its in London!" he admitted as they finally made it to the local train station where the large man had trouble sorting out the 'muggle' money to pay for their tickets, so Harry had to help him with it, and keeping the change.

They managed to catch the next train where Harry noticed something surprising.

"Despite his non-human size and status the people are only giving him curious glances. I wonder why?" he mumbled in thought and Hagrid pretended he wasn't listening to the child's nonsensical ramblings.

However, after some more questions, some half-arsed answers, and Harry trying, but failing to teach the man the correct way to say his name they arrived at the correct train station and departed.

"Righ' this way 'Arry!" the large man said after a while of jogging to keep up with him pointing at this filthy looking pub.

"I see," he replied, looking it over in awe and comprehension. "So its hidden with some kind of illusion to look like a dirty old pub into a cesspool of a bar none of these 'muggles' would ever want to be seen dead in, let alone buying a drink here. That's very clever of you Agrid!" he said, patting the man's arm in praise.

"Umm… well, 'Arry, I didn't do it me self!" he replied chuckling at the praise.

Harry shrugged, smiling up at him. "That's OK Agrid. I'm sure you make a better bodyguard anyway!"

"Well, le's go in shall we?" he asked, but just barged the door open proudly into the bar, and Harry couldn't help but grimace as he looked around.

"This place stinks, but then I guess this must be where you bring your garbage so that the 'muggles' can take it away for you without being the wiser!"

"Hagrid!"

An old man who had a stoop to his steps, and a huge hump on his back greeted Agrid. He was covered in filth, stinking of poop, wearing a black with filth-covered apron. Harry grimaced. The man didn't look like he was wearing any trousers, and he certainly wasn't wearing a top, GROSS!

"Tom!" the giant man greeted with a handshake.

"Came for a drink…?" he went to asked when he saw the small raven-haired boy moving back from him. "Hello there boy, its alright… what's that cream coloured thing you got there pointed at me. Is that a toy? Hagrid, who's the kid and what's weird clothes he's wearing, grey, red and black, elasticated clothes, muggle-born eh, new muggle fashion? And a badge…?"

"I-I am a-a Star Force officer, sir!" he retorted shakily holding his phaser pointed at the scary man. "I-I demand that you take me to your Starship Diagon Alley right now and to your Captain!" he squeaked out, worried while more people had gathered, confused. "I should warn you. My phaser is set to…" he gulped. "I-I am Commander Harry Potter of the USS Warship Prometheus!"

"Harry Potter, bless my stars!" the filthy man said in joy beyond joy, the other people spreading the word.

More weirdos, wearing robes looking gleeful as the filthy bartender went to grab him, soon surrounded him. However, Harry was panicking in fear, his phaser shaking and he pressed the button on top. It lit up as it normally would, with a red glow, but this time he was so terrified a golden beam shot out, missing the surprised bartender and hitting this pale man with red turban on his head, vaporising him.

All eyes widened as a ghostly red Spector was left in the man's place screaming in rage. "I'll get you next time for this Potter!" it hissed like a snake-man and flew off through the wall while Harry was speechless.

The bars patrons suddenly cheered in joy as they tried to mob him. "Let's hear it for Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Vaporises!"

Harry could only scream, but no matter how many times he pressed the button on his phaser, it wouldn't vaporise any more of them.

0oo00oo0

"Harry… umm… what are you doing?" she asked her boyfriend, confused.

He smiled at her. "So, what is it Ginny? We've been going out for a while now, and… well, do we even get along real well?" he asked her, surprising her.

"Well, I think so," she replied before startling. "I-I mean yes we do. Of course we do Harry. I'll be here every way I can to help and support you!" she readily agreed, nodding her head.

He frowned, confused. "B-but I don't understand. I've just, well, just got this sudden urge to believe that you've been spiking me with love potion and realise that I'm in love with Hermione Granger instead!"

She just looked to him oddly. "No… I've not been spiking you, look at me, why the hell would I need to. I'm hot!"

Harry nodded in agreement, conceding her point as she gave him a little spin, her skirt drifting up enough to give him a very quick flash of her cute white underwear. "Umm… well, yeah, I get the point. B-but I feel like you've been ordered to spy on me or something by someone, and keep me in the light as well!"

"Oh, that… I have… odd really," she agreed, smiling at him while he went buggy eyed. "Yeah, I know. They pay me too, but I don't tell them anything really. Its like being paid to do something fun, like swimming, or watching a really funny prank, and then…" she shrugged, amused.

"So… you're being paid to date me, but you want to anyway?" he asked, confounded by this news. "Then why am I always paying for everything?"

"I'm not really supposed to tell you," she replied. "But I promised that if you asked, I would tell you everything. They're pretty jerk-ish you know, the things they recommend. Not that I don't want to, but seriously, this is my virginity they're talking about, and they're so embarrassing. I'll lose it to you when I'm good and ready. I'm only fifteen-!"

"I have an evil Dark Army of douches after my neck! I might not live that long!" Harry quickly blurted out, shocking her.

"I-I hadn't thought about that," she said worried for him. "OK, I guess. It is you, you're cute, my hero, and nice, and… well, OK!" she readily agreed. "Just… just be gentle OK… for our first time!"

"Sweet!" he said while they both blushed and held hands.

"What about me?"

They were surprised as a whole gaggle of girls spoke at once, behind them, giving Harry this look. He gulped as it looked to be every girl at school, Slytherins included, and Hermione right in the lead giving him a wink as she waved a suspiciously love coloured vile full of potion at him.

Ginny nodded her head. "OK, I'll share just this once, just because he might die in the war!" she said smiling. "I get to choose orders and I'm his girlfriend so I'm going first…!"

Special Report from the Daily Prophet!

It is with great sadness today in this newspaper that I report the death of Harry James Potter, our saviour, the Boy-Who-Lived…

"It's how we would all want to go!" the dark haired man said with proud tears falling from his eyes.

"I'm so proud of you Harry!" another dark haired man exclaimed.

"Thanks dad!" he replied from his observation cloud in heaven, reading the Daily Prophet paper over the shoulder of some crying witch on Earth.

"Sirius, James, cut it out!"

"But Lily!" her deceased husband said playfully but stopped at her glare as they continued reading passed the reports of Harry's death.

On a more positive note. The Boy-Who-Lived rid us of Voldemort because of the connection through his scar with more loving than the Dark Lord could stomach, dying a seventy-year-old virgin of hypertension and stress, which led to his heart attack and stroke...

We thank you Harry Potter, we all pray that you finally get the peace you deserve. You are an inspiration to young men everywhere.

On an unrelated topic, for some unknown reasons, depression in all of the girls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have resulted in unprecedented numbers of girls having committed suicide…

"Ginny, was that…?"

Ginny just kissed him smiling into his lips.

"Don't forget us Harry!" the other girls cried out happily, as they were piled up on the small cloud behind them.

"I don't mind sharing!" Ginny mumbled back into his kiss.

Harry just hopes the afterlife has an afterlife.

0oo00oo0

"So… I have to compete Professor?" he asked nervously as the 'other' champions looked at him in some degree of loathing, and the teachers' suspicion.

However, the old man, nodded gravely. "I'm afraid so, Harry m'boy. Your name came out of the goblet. It is tad amount to a magical binding contract!"

"A contract? I see," he replied thoughtfully while that weird Barty Crouch dude nodded along in agreement. "So… this must be a legal matter, so… yes I know!" he said, brightening and startling everyone by his change in mood. "This must be some kind of legal matter. Do not worry Professor Dumbledore. I know what to do!" he said happily.

"You do?" several of the rooms occupants blurted out, the Professor included.

"Of course," he agreed, rolling his eyes as if it should be obvious. "I'll have to call the fraud division of the aurors office and report this right away. I bet they'll bring in loads of crack teams of C.S.I and the con artist will be discovered in no time at all!"

They could only watch in bewilderment as Harry Potter charged off out of the antechamber of the Great Hall.

"W-wait, Harry!" the old man called, concerned, rushing out to catch him.

However, nowhere. They could not find him. The staff looked everywhere, and eventually found the fourteen-year-old boy when he returned a few hours later with a troupe of aurors. Dumbledore tried to blow it all over, but within two hours, Harry was found to have been telling the truth, and that he had never gotten close to the Goblet of Fire. In fact, it turned out he was one of the few people at school who hadn't.

That left Harry smiling as he went up to his tower while the investigators went about their business. He found a Gryffindor party going full swing, and he didn't want to disappoint them by telling them he wasn't champion any more, so let it drop for now and enjoyed himself.

Though, it was disappointing that he couldn't find his bestest best bud Ron anywhere to tell him the good news.

That's not to mention his other best bud Hermione charging away, annoyed with him for some odd reason.

Walking through into the dorms later that evening Harry had a beaming smile.

"Having fun, Potter!?"

He must admit, for a moment he thought Malfoy had snuck in to molest him or some such. However, it was Ron, glaring from his bed, and Harry just blinked in surprise before his grin returned ten-fold.

"Guess what!" Harry declared in glee.

"You're school champion!" he spat out his reply. "Yeah, I heard, so how did you do it?!" he demanded with a spiteful sneer that could put Malfoy's to shame.

"I didn't," Harry replied nervous, and confused.

"Whatever, liar!"

"Prick!" Harry mumbled just loud enough for Ron to hear. He wasn't going to tell him about the magical C.S.I guys clearing his name now, the jerk can sooooooo forget that!

The next morning in the Great Hall, everyone who had been mean about Harry being a cheat had the shock of their lives as they found out Mad-Eye-Moody was really a Death Eater being taken away in chains. The real Moody was found locked up in his trunk and the fake put Harry's name in to try kidnapping him for some ritual to resurrect You-Know-Who. The Death Eaters father Barty Crouch was arrested for his breakout of Azkaban prison.

It was by a reluctant old man that told the school that Harry Potter was the person with the foresight to call in the fraud investigators, and that he won't be competing in the competition.

Harry was mildly amused by all the shameful faces when Ron went to sit down next to him. He got up and looked at the ginger.

"No!"

It was one word, and then leaving to sit at the Hufflepuff table that told Ronald Weasley that Harry Potter wasn't going there.

0oo00oo0

"Soooo, a weird yet deadly tournament...?" the fourteen-year-old boy hero asked the old headmaster in the antechamber with loads of teachers staring at him in shame, and the other three contestants in anger and hate.

"Yes Harry, and it's unfortunate, but whether someone else placed your name in the goblet or you did does not matter, you must compete!" he said with a sad smile and a tired sigh.

"Tis an outrage Dumblydore!" the large eight foot tall French woman in nice silk robes interrupted, rightfully outraged.

"Yes, unfortunately-!"

"Then we use the goblet again until we each have equal-!" the tall dark, ugly dark wizard head of the other school said gruffly.

The old man sighed warily. "I'm so sorry," he said shaking his head in shame. "However, the goblet will only work every four years. I believe it takes that long to recharge!" he said disappointing the other two head teachers.

"Did you try replacing its batteries?" Harry couldn't help but ask, which got him many heated glares. "Just trying to lighten the mood," he mumbled, annoyed under his breath before a real idea struck, and one that everyone could understand, not only the intelligent few who know the muggle world. "Then I have a real idea!" he chirped cheerfully as he pulled out his wand.

He then proceeded to conjure two top hats on a desk, smiling at his genius while the other people just looked at him in pity. "Seriously, you guys need to get out more!" he retorted, rolling his eyes as he handed a hat to each of the other head teachers. "You just enchant the hat to stop multiple entries, and then put your students' names in, and pull one out tomorrow or something, and then we can do this in pairs, screw the goblet!"

"E iz right!" the large French woman said with a smile. "Such a simple idea, and quite thee conjurer!" she said as she admired the material.

It wasn't long before everyone was on their way, and Harry and Cedric, the other Hogwarts champion were left to head back to their dorms. However, Cedric stopped the intrepid hero by grabbing his shoulder, only to cry out as Harry acted on instinct, twisted, and flipped him onto the floor.

"Oops, sorry dude, reflex!" Harry said sheepishly as he helped him up.

Cedric chuckled nervously looking around as he stood, hoping no one saw that. "Hey, no problem. I just thought… you know, since we're teammates and everything you would… you know, come to the Hufflepuff common room. Then I can… make sure they know you're innocent!"

"Sure thing!"

He regrets saying that now. He had been attacked the moment they entered the common room, and then stripped to his dark blue boxer shorts, strapped down on a huge obelisk, bound tightly. He honestly never would have suspected the Hufflepuffs of sacrificing wizards and witches to the Goddess Gaia, but here they are. He should have just gone back to Gryffindor; their parties are so much more fun.

"Sorry Harry!"

He looked with a sigh to see fellow fourth year in some silky and flowing yellow robes stroking her soft hand a long his strong ab-muscles. "Its such a shame but," she let go and turned her back while other Hufflepuffs wore similar robes and danced around them chanting. It was quite the catchy chant too, but when she turned back to him, she realised one thing.

Harry Potter was gone and in his place an adorable Harry-plushy that she quickly slipped into her pocket before alerting everyone else.

They looked to see the binds hadn't even the slightest sign of damage. They would look all over the Ritual Chamber but not find him.

"Gryffindors are so uncooperative!" Susan said with a deep frustrated sigh, but she patted her consolation prize hidden in her pocket.

Her friend, Hannah patted her shoulder in understanding. "Yeah... but at least they're not winy little bitches like Slytherins and Ravenclaws! You would think they thought we we're going to kill them or something."

Susan sighed. "I really thought we had him that time," she agreed. "He's really slippery. Harder to catch than a Slytherin, and I don't think he ever realised we were trying to capture him. Though, I got to feel him up a little, and I got... well," she looked around to make sure no one was looking before letting her friend have a peak at her new plushy.

"No way!" Hannah breathed out in awe. "Its a Harry-plushy. I've never seen a real one before. They're so rare... everyone has a Fred or George plushy but... dam. I didn't know Harry had one."

Susan nodded smugly. "Don't tell anyone and we can hunt him ourselves to get you one too."

"Awesome!"

Meanwhile Harry sighed in relief as he got to the Fat Ladies portrait in only his underwear, and the floor was cold. "Dam, never trust a Hufflepuff, they're crazy. If it weren't for my mad escape artist skills I would be done for. Not to mention, the hero never dies… well… never stays dead. Its in the unwritten rulebook of the universe!"

"If its unwritten how can it be?" the Fat Lady startled him.

He just shrugged. "Dung Bomb!" he said and she let him in where the whole of the tower paused their party looking at him in shock.

"D-did any of you know that Hufflepuffs are crazy religious fundamentalists?" he asked as if that was a normal and sane thing for a boy only in his undies to ask, with many girls blushing brightly as they made sure to take in the sight and remember everything, from the lines of his muscles to that huge bulge in his boxers.

"We did!" the Weasley twins called out together shivering with several other members of the house.

"Nobody ever took us serious!" one said looking sick.

"Tried to sacrifice us to Gaia they did!" the other quivered.

"Or something like that," the other agreed. "We never stuck around long enough to find out."

Harry groaned before shrugging. "Then; this is WAR!" he roared out and in the spirit of battle that Gryffindors loved so much the rest of the house cheered as hidden compartments in the walls, fireplace, and paintings moved, revealing swords and spears, and crimson body armours. Then the furniture sunk down with cabinets displaying potion bombs and poisons took there place.

That night: Harry would have Susan at his mercy, and got a bonus Hannah as a freebie. Though, he did wonder why they seemed so pleased to be in his custody.

0oo00oo0

It had been so many years, some boring, some fun, some learning to beat a dragon at checkers, or is it drafts, well she supposes one country calls it one, and another something else. It doesn't matter anyway, she's almost certain that was a dream, but with her grandpas she couldn't tell.

She just happily snuck through the dark and creepy corridors of the school with her wand held loosely in her right hand as she waved it around happily creating spooky noises and enchanting things to move or creek all on their own just to make the place creepier. She was just looking for her grandpas and the gang.

They mentioned a party in the letter they sent to her while she was at home in her room, in her very own bathroom in her hot-tub, unfortunately alone, just getting into herself when the stupid bird arrived. She battered the blasted bird for not knocking. He should be lucky she doesn't fry him up for supper. He ruined her good and soapy mood. Though, she might find someone fun at the party, but she couldn't find the front of the creepy and outdated castle but stumbled across the backdoor.

So now, she has to hunt for the place where you would hold a party. She paused and her sparkly green eyes watched in surprise as a boy just shot pass the intersection she was about to cross screaming, and naked with his gross butt and thing on fire with a man chasing him with his wand out, thankfully fully clothed.

She just blinked owlishly a few times before sticking her head around the corner. Yep, she could hear the faint sound of music coming from that direction. She smiled brightly, as parties go, they're never complete without setting some dude on fire. She was quick in taking her new route to the party. If she knew school could be this fun she might have gone to Hogwarts or something.

Though, maybe she could check it out. She'll be fourteen in a couple months, so that means fourth year, plus access to all that hot supple young flesh. The thought made her almost drool.

She came out of the hall into an entrance hall and some doors were open a bit ahead of her with music blurring out. She then side stepped some spells that hit the wall behind her, she just kept walking even as the wall collapsed.

The three boys that worriedly attacked her gulped as she looked to them, her long white robe flapping about in a non-existent wind. She's wearing a tight black top under it, hugging her delicate and sexy body nicely, and a short black and white ripple skirt hugging her tight little butt to perfection. She has on some white running shoes with black knee high socks.

She flipped her long, below her butt wild crimson hair in amusement. It's held back with black ties with some strands in plaits. "Wedgius!" she said flicking her wand and the boys screamed as their underwear was torn up their butt cracks and she hung them on an unused torch bracket. They cried out and screamed for her to let them down, and even begged, but she wasn't really listening as she went into the party hall while putting her wand away.

It was total bliss, the loud noise, the mess, and especially the vandalism. This is the perfect party of parties. She can only hope she'll be such an awesome party planner when she starts making such awesome parties.

She looked around and saw some scantily clad girl being harassed by some guy, so she did what any awesome girl would and walked over and kicked him in the nuts where he collapsed to the ground crying, but that was OK as the music drowned out all of that.

The girl looked relived until she felt her saviours hand up her skirt and she was trapped by being pushed up against a wall. It was easy getting her hand down her panties next. The girl tried pushing her off but after a moment relaxed and was leaning on her molester and panting, little groans coming out.

"Yeah, you love that don't you, bitch," she whispered in the girl's ear as she was nibbling it and with that the girl soaked her hand gasping for breath. "Aww… you came too quick," she moaned as she pulled out her fingers, kissed the girls lips and walked off licking her fingers clean and not noticing the gawking people who realised what she had just done.

She sucked the last glob of girl cream from her fingers as she found some drinks, grabbing a bottle of bear, just a glare got the cap to pop off. "Ahh, Hope my dear…"

Hope looked from her drink with a wide grin to see her Grandpa Dumbledore. He's pretty cool and has long white hair tied back in a ponytail with a long white beard tied in twin tails down to his waist. He was also wearing bright eye-killer pink robes with little yellow ducks and black and white panda bears on them.

He was smiling with a weird pipe chuffing between his teeth, which gave off a sweet smell. "I'm happy you chose to come," he said with his twinkling blue eyes glazed over behind his half-moon spectacles. "But what happened to Fawkes? He seemed a little… well he died when he got back," he said pulling out the baby bird from his pocket. It was wrinkly and ugly and she wrinkled her nose at it.

However, when the bird saw her it squawked and cried and somehow managed to get itself back into the old man's pocket. "Oh… well, Birdy didn't knock. It's obviously a pervert and deserved the beating."

Dumbledore just nodded his head. "Well, I'll have to have words with him. This is the fourth time you've killed him. Its lucky he's immortal," he said chuckling.

"Yeah yea, whatever," she replied as she licked her lips. "I see myself a victim… I mean, very lucky girl…," she said, as she was quick to stalk the girl. She is obviously about her age and has short-cropped brown hair and light grey eyes.

"Hi!" Hope said as she snuck up on the unsuspecting girl, beaming at her. "I'm Hope Potter. I hope you don't mind that I want to take you home with me and spank that fine ass of yours, and maybe nibble it a bit!"

The girls pale cheeks brightened with embarrassment. "I-I-I'm Victoria Krum!" she stuttered out shakily. "Y-you're the G-Girl-Who-Lived."

"Yep that's me!" she agreed cheerfully. "So do you have a room here somewhere where we can do each other in private?"

The girl dropped all floppy and fainted, but Hope was quick in catching her.

Victoria Krum woke in her bed later that night feeling sleep in her eyes as she had had the most amazing dream of her life. Though, she couldn't imagine why the Girl-Who-Lived would do all of those naughty things to her, and wouldn't stop even when her dorm mates returned to bed, and watched them.

She shook away that weird content feeling and sighed. She could taste some kind of aftertaste lingering on her tongue and in her breath. She couldn't remember drinking anything that taste like it during the party, so what could it be? It taste quite delicious she reasoned.

Groaning a little, she looked around, trying to move but she could only wriggle, her arms and legs feeling taught. She blinked in surprise as all of her room-mates are still awake sitting around her bed staring at her. Her covers weren't covering her and her eyes could only widen further as there 'she' was: Hope Potter, the Girl-Who-Lived, naked, small firm breasts and supple body, lightly toned in all the right ways.

Hope was kneeling between her spread naked legs with a vicious grin, her long crimson hair flowing wild down her back and over her shoulders almost covering her breasts, but not quite reaching her hard pink nipples.

Victoria quivered as she looked down at her own naked body, suspended between her bedposts with leather straps around her ankles and wrists. She was sticky and aching a little, spread wide for ease of access. The other girls were watching, squirming on their beds, some blatantly with hands up dresses or skirts playing with themselves, blushing.

She gulped as Hope was licking sticky goo off her lips. "Wow, I'm getting better if I can make you pass out with a cum!" Hope said gleefully. "I'm glad it only lasted a few minutes. I did offer all of your friends a go on you! I wouldn't want you to sleep through it all!" she said as the other girls got up from beds, moving closer at Hope's gesture.

Victoria could only gulp as the first girl, a plumper, but still pretty-blonde girl was placed between her thighs with masterful instruction, she got to work and Victoria moaned aloud, shivering and unable to talk even if her embarrassment would let her.

0oo00oo0

Harry Potter wasn't depressed – no no no! Yes he was! He was 'depressed', kind of. He had just turned sixteen years old. Well okay so that might have actually been a few months ago because he's now attending his sixth year at his magical school: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Harry was depressed-ish, more bothered. He was more depressed than anyone could imagine-ish. Even more so than when he heard that stupid prophesy from the silly old man-ish.

Anyway, Harry was pretty depressed-ish alright. Just like… well I think you understand the picture yeah. My main dude Harry was depressed, or bored and needing some loving.

Right, where were we… oh right Harry's depressed-ish. Well who wouldn't be if they were him huh? One of his best friends is not only a ginger but a… is idiot the correct word to describe him when you don't know any worse?

Well as he was thinking. His best 'male' friend is ginger, (not that he has anything against ginger, if you're cute and female), a complete idiot and Harry often wonders whether he can become a saint if he just lets the guys in charge of that sort of thing hang out with Ronald for a sort while.

Saint Harry Potter has a nice ring to it!

Yeah and that's not all. His second best friends always nagging him about something (another reason he deserves to be a saint). Its seriously starting to piss him off. 'Share your feelings with me Harry; you must not bottle them up'. Yeah right. 'OK Hermione, only if you let me relieve my anxiety in your ass.'

She may be a young nagging hag but Harry is a guy and sees she could be a fine bit of tail and chokes his chicken at night sometimes thinking of her. Well mainly of her getting it on with some other girls and letting him watch and then join in, but he's male he figured that sort of fantasy is common amongst them all. Yeah, he figures the girls aren't all that pure in those pretty little heads of theirs either, thinking of him because of his 'status' as Boy-Who-Lived and his fit bod, gorgeous eyes and handsome face, (just what he has heard around the castle from girls).

He figured that he'll have to start using his fame to his advantage. Get some girls panties off. Get some compensation off the fair-weather fans especially for all the bother they've caused him.

Hermione's and fan-girl ass took him off track for a moment there. Harry's also depressed-ish because all of his life has been manipulated by a fucking gay old man who locked his own boyfriend in jail. Yep Harry's not stupid, what with them gay robes (not that he has anything against that sort of thing or peoples choices and preferences), and the fact Dumbledore looks so sad when his 'Dark Lord' is mentioned.

Well anyway, Dumbledore is a control freak jerk. He thinks that the power the Dark Lord Voldemort knows not is love. Yeah, right. Like Harry would sacrifice himself to protect any of these pretenders. His mum did that for him, and look what happened! It hasn't been very productive with Dumbledore around.

Lily should have just waited by his bedroom door and as soon as Voldemort stood the other side shot every dangerous and deathly curse she could think of to blow him to hell. It would have likely worked too, but these people are cowards and chickens. Even running away and fleeing the country with Harry would have been a better idea.

However, all of that shit can be dealt with easily right because a few hours ago he completed some super awesome and complicated ritual that gave him some new and awesome-legendary powers! Then he had found out he inherited a mass load of stuff after Sirius (his godfather), died.

Sirius's death was a blessing in disguise as this emancipated Harry, allowing him to inherit his families' wealth, as he became the head of the Black family and Potter family. Not to mention the head of the Emrys line, the Gryffindor line, the Ravenclaw line, the Hufflepuff line, the Slytherin line, the Pendragon line, and even inherited the sword Excalibur, and a few other houses attached to Potter and Black that died out-ish.

He just dumped the beautiful sword in his trunk for safekeeping as walking around with it would likely give the idiots the wrong impression and the last thing he needs is everyone bowing to him and making him their king, or maybe… no, he has enough stress as it is, no matter the girls a king could get.

Though, he should probably at some time reclaim the sword of Gryffindor, which gave him grief as rumour spread that it actually belonged to him and not Dumbledore, but he'll deal with that when he has time. He really only wants it to spite Dumbledore anyway.

With all of his newfound wealth and inheritance, he found loads of cool magical rings that boost his powers even further with special abilities attached to all, but he doesn't have that many fingers and they were big, bulky, tacky, and ugly. They don't even have the customary invisibility charms built in. Therefore, he just wore them around his neck on a chain hidden in his robes.

Not only that but he had discovered that since he took his full inheritance and is not married and last in line of all of these bloodlines since Voldemort really is not Slytherins heir after all, and snake-chatter as he has taken to calling it as its easier to say and spell is his birth right.

This allows him to take many wives, a few from each house of his choice to continue the founders lines, and if it turns into an orgy with only him and loads of hot girls then who is he to complain. Though, he is a nice guy so figured that he'll give the option to the houses that don't really care about pureblood crap, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, and just outright take the girls from the other two houses.

This leaves him to choose girls outside of the school for heirs to the other houses, which is his right, outside the country if he has too. He remembered that Gabrielle Delacour was quite taken with him after the fourth task, so there's an heir maker for Emrys at the least. He'll have to keep looking, or get the Goblins to search out a selection for him from around the world. He'll even accept muggle girls if they're game. He's sure some muggle-born students have cute muggle sisters that know about magic.

Magic Lore can be awesome when it gets him lots of cute girls, and most pureblood families will jump at the chance to join many of these families because of tradition or greed, it doesn't matter to him. He'll turn their daughters into nice loving girls who won't hesitate to disobey greedy family members.

However, shaking his awesomeness off for now he had a problem because he is letting the Gryff-girls have the choice. He so wants to screw Ginny Weasley really hard. He can't stop thinking about how good that will feel, claiming her for himself. The look on her brothers face's when he openly makes out with her, grabbing her tight ass through her robes, buying her sexy muggle clothes for his enjoyment

She's a feisty red head and will make some cute heirs of Gryffindor. She's really hot and he bets she would be great in the sack. He can just imagine doing it now, but had to calm down as his 'other him' was starting to get excited at the image.

Seriously his 'other him' gets stiff just thinking about her. However, he has a dilemma that should be solve very soon and leave the way open for Saint Harry Potter. They say to really become a Saint you need to preform three miracles. He just knows that he can go far beyond the three miracles point.

Harry was grumpy-ish, well OK, amused as he walked into the Great Hall for breakfast and sat down opposite Ginny. He winked at her and her cheeks lit up delightfully while her boyfriend Dean the Douche Bag Thomas glared at him, angry and made a comment that annoyed Ginny.

"At least Harry would know how to treat a strong independent young woman like me!" she retorted to whatever he said.

Harry smirked as Dean glared more at him. "Yeah, hard and violent all night long until we pass out!" Harry agreed with her, causing a few people nearby to chock on juice as they giggled it down the wrong tube.

Ginny blushed, snickering. "Harry you naughty boy!" she laughingly reprimanded.

"Harry!" Dean growled out. "This is MY girlfriend. You should show some proper respect for women! Go and find your own girl and stop trying it on my MINE!"

"I am NO one's property Dean!" Ginny growled out as her blonde friend from Ravenclaw, Luna Lovegood sat down to enjoy breakfast with her best friend and Harry smiling with a dazed look in her sky blue eyes.

Harry smiled at her as he realised he had found his number one Ravenclaw. She is cute and fun to be around. He could just imagine her licking Ginny between her legs while he had his 'other him' up her tight little butt-hole. The thought almost made him shiver in delightful thought.

Harry and Luna both watched amused as Ginny and Dean continued bickering over Harry's comment, which was both real and in jest. Ginny was saying she took it as a compliment while Dean said it was sexist and rude, which in a way it was, but Harry loves girls and would never hurt his friend.

However, that was when Harry felt a soft sock covered foot reach across the table, stroking up his thigh with Luna looking straight at him. Her lips quirked and an odd look in her beautiful glassy eyes.

She smiled at him and blew him a small pouty kiss that nobody would have ever expected from her. He was the only one who saw. Her tongue stroked over her lips to moisten them. She slouched to reach further, her foot reaching his crotch. His hands went down to hold her soft foot to his inflating 'other him', smiling at her.

"Luna?" Ginny startled her and she sat up straight pulling her foot back, blushing. "What were you just doing?" she asked her suspiciously.

"Something you would like to do!" she admitted slyly while Dean had gone back to glaring at Harry, even more as he heard what Luna had said and thought of some weird things.

However, suddenly a swishing noise cuts through the din of tired early morning chatter. Blood splatters everyone around Dean except Ginny because of some awesome timing. She was blushing and leaning over to talk with Luna. The cute blonde minx was whispering 'secrets' into her ear making Ginny look really impressed.

Harry wondered what those two would do for him in the bedroom when he has them both. Lick each other for sure, front and back. Take it in turns to slide their mouths up and down over the shaft of his 'other him'. Harry shuddered as they both gave him a look, unaware of anything else going on for a moment when they were startled with a thud.

They all looked to see Dean had keeled over into Ginny's bowl of Vampires do NOT sparkle chocolate flakes. THE Alucard owns the company that makes them, and he apparently really hates the muggles book series Twilight!

Apparently, it makes vampires out to be sparkle butted sissies. Harry couldn't help but agree with that having seen the movie trailers at home occasionally when doing chores and whatnot. He had never really minded chores but he'll have to preform another miracle soon to put an end to that so he can get on with being awesome.

Well anyway, Ginny was surprised for a moment, before seething red with untapped rage. It made Harry feel hot all over again. There is something really sexy about a hot tempered hot cakes with a hot body, angry at some moron without any manners.

"DEAN! You bastard!" she roared with her red headed anger that all red heads have from generations of people with other hair colours picking on them. "We're over you perverted jerk! I won't eat anything you've touched!" she hissed as she got up and stormed off out of the hall.

Luna smiled at Harry, winking as she hopped out of her seat and skipped after her best friend to comfort her. Harry had to think that it was going to resort into some lesbian action and shivered as he thought about it.

Harry watched HIS two sexoliciouses leaving the hall while people screamed, some covered in globs of blood while the teachers tried to calm them down. McGonagall was already at their table checking on Dean but it was no good.

He was dead with a small-bloodied hole in the centre of his forehead.

Harry didn't pay any attention to the commotion as this is Hogwarts, and at Hogwarts something crazy happens at least once a week, if not more. Therefore, grinning like a loon he was quickly up out of his seat and charging after Ginny and Luna before they get away and he doesn't get to join in their fun.

It didn't once occur to him that they wouldn't be doing anything but cuddling, but cuddling cute girls is fine too, right? He used his new girl finding power that comes with the ring of Rowena Ravenclaw. Who knew she was into girls, huh?

Meanwhile, in the rafters hidden in the great hall, ignoring the chaos down below a small figure with wobbly bat like ears was placing away a long black riffle with scope and silencer. Dismantling it with swift ease of practice and a wide smile.

He was wearing a black suit with a white shirt and black coat and shiny black shoes on his long feet. He has a long curved nose. His head is bald and on the back of his skull is a tattoo with black likes of different dimensions in a rectangle shape: a barcode. His large dark eyes took on a look of satisfaction as he closed and locked his weapon case, picking it up.

"Nobody takes the Great Harry Potter sirs sexoliciouses away from him… Dobby will make sure of that," he muttered coolly, barely audible under his breath as he pooled away silently in some white mist that faded away, no one being the wiser.

0oo00oo0

In this dark world. I wonder. I wonder.

Where the hell is she?

I've been waiting near an hour. Sitting here all alone.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Why can't people meet when they say they will? I've phoned her but it was never answered.

Her chair, alone, empty.

I'm normally on time, so what the…?

And if I'm running late I always call to tell her.

Anyone else I could not care less.

Its only polite for a girlfriend after all.

I've already gone through several cups of coffee. Café Lattes. My faves. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams. I feel hungry but with the coffee I've had don't believe I could even get down half a sandwich.

Sighing I wonder. Could something have happened? This makes me worry, just the thought. I'll give her a few more minutes before calling it and concerning myself with finding her.

This feels all such a waste, but still I'm concerned.

I already miss her red hair, her brown eyes. Her small nose and pouty lips. The way she laughs. The way she reprimands me for doing something stupid.

It feels like my chest clenches hard when I think of her in trouble. However, I hear her voice mocking me in my head, and nearly see the cute eye roll.

'You worry too much!' She would laugh, rolling those eyes of hers. 'I'm not going to break walking down the street. I can take care of myself.'

I guess I've just gotten paranoid during my short lifetime!

Who could blame me though?

The world is harsh, fraught with danger from people, strangers, to one's self.

It almost makes me laugh just thinking about it. I was the one who got her the phone and taught her how to use it. She supposedly came from an advanced people.

Yeah, right!

The world is thick with mischief whether deadly or not!

I cannot help but worry.

Looking to her empty chair once more, I was startled as she sat down opposite smiling until she saw my worry.

"Y-you're an hour late!" I said in concern.

She blinked a few times frowning as she looked to her watch. "Harry… the clocks went back an hour last night!" she said while giggling as my cheeks paled. "You must have gotten here an hour early."

"Oh!"

That was all I could say, as I felt so stupid and embarrassed. However, this beauty didn't laugh at me, but reached over, taking my hands and smiled in understanding.

I couldn't help but know. She and I would be together forever.

Love can be so paranoid.