And that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.
I checked my phone as soon as I woke up and found nothing more. Going back to my messages screen, I slide the opposite way on his name, revealing the delete button.
I begin to contemplate if I really want to be reminded of the unfinished conversation we had last night as my finger hovers over the red square. I haven't deleted any of his messages since the day we broke up.
I have them all.
Every hurtful name. Every curse word thrown at me because I fucked something up. Every angry rant that he has ever sent in the last four years. Every sweet message on days that he knows I'm feeling down. Every single dirty message that we've exchanged.
I know what we are doing is wrong and I know that I shouldn't still feel something for him. However, that doesn't change the fact that it happens. It was the way we started out and it is almost ceremonial that it is the way our physical relationship has ended. I don't regret a minute of it and I don't care if that makes me a horrible person. It's how I'm dealing with the loss of someone who changed me into a better person. It's how I get by when my anxiety overcomes me and I don't want to talk to anyone else.
I may not have all the answers, but at least I know that even though there are so many thoughts that go unspoken, I have someone who is always in my corner rooting me on when I feel like I am failing.
The truth is hidden in the silence.
Someday I wish that it would come to light.
But until then, I will continue living my life in a series of acceptable answers.