"So, uh, these two are Beavis and Butt-head?" Tom looked at the two, scratching his head.
Kevin and Tom both examined Beavis and Butt-head. Though Kevin and Tom had come from different strata of society, the two morons from Highland came off as an even bigger culture shock to them both.
"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head walked past Daria's ex-boyfriend. "Where are we?"
"You're at my place," Stewart told the two sternly. "I'm doing this as a favor to Daria so don't think this will be like the old days where you could take advantage of me."
"Yes," agreed Cassandra. "Abuse our kindness in any way and you will have to leave."
"Heh heh heh, she said abuse," Beavis chuckled.
"Beavis abuses his monkey every night!" Butt-head declared.
"Ugh, I don't know if I can put up with this," Stewart walked away. "They're all yours, Daria. I'm gonna go work on a school project with Cassandra."
"They'll be gone before you know it, Stewart," promised Daria. "Or at least I would hope so…"
"So you must be Beavis and Butt-head," Tom walked up to the two.
"Uh, who are you?" Butt-head asked.
"Name's Tom," Tom extended a hand. "I'm a friend of Daria's… and her ex-boyfriend."
"Uh, ex-boyfriend?" Butt-head raised an eyebrow. "You mean you did it with Daria?"
"Heh heh heh!" chuckled Beavis. "Was she wet and runny?"
"Okay, this is getting uncomfortable now," Tom grimaced and decided not to shake any of their hands anymore. "Plus I'm afraid to know where your hands have been…"
Kevin did chuckle slightly though. The kind of humor that Beavis and Butt-head used was beginning to rub off on him. However, he fell silent as soon as Daria silenced him with a glare.
"Alright guys, now that you've had your laughs, it's time to get serious," Daria told the two. "There are some nasty people after you and if you want to live through this, you'll listen to me."
"So, like, did you really do it with that dude?" Butt-head pointed towards Tom.
Daria sighed. "Just to sate your curiosity and move on, no. We never got past first base."
Tom looked slightly embarrassed.
"Well that was embarrassing," Tom shook his head.
"Huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Okay, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't have humored them," Daria put a palm on her own head in frustration.
"So, like, you're still a career virgin?" Beavis laughed. "Heh heh heh!"
"Not exactly," Daria groaned. "But moving on, we're on a tight schedule and—"
"Whoa!" Butt-head looked surprised. "Daria lost her virginity? Huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "What kind of dork would do it with Diarrhea? Heh heh heh heh!"
Suddenly, something from deep within snapped in Daria. Grabbing Beavis, she flipped him onto the floor with a martial arts maneuver taught to her by Aunt Amy, knocking the breath out of him.
Before Beavis knew it, there was an arrow pointed towards his throat.
"Whoa!" Butt-head exclaimed.
"Aaaahhh!" Beavis was frightened.
"For your information, Ted was the kindest, most noble soul I ever knew," Daria told Beavis with a calm, yet seething rage. "Speak of him like that again and I'll make sure the third and final prophecy doesn't come true the quick and easy way."
"Um, okay," Beavis finally conceded. "Like, sorry about that…"
At last, Daria let go of Beavis and allowed him to get up.
"Remind me never to make her mad again," Tom said to Kevin who nodded in agreement.
"That was cool!" declared Butt-head. "You kicked Beavis's ass! Huh huh huh!"
"Shut up Butt-head!" Beavis snarled.
"Look Beavis," Daria cleared her head to calm down. "I'm sorry I snapped on you like that. It's just that Ted meant a lot to me. And I don't take it well when anyone speaks ill of him."
Beavis, to his credit, gave her a knowing stare as if to let her know that it was a line he would never cross again.
"Well Daria," Kevin looked at her. "You got Beavis and Butt-head. So what now?"
"There's just one more thing I have to do," replied Daria. "I'm going to find out who is this royal prince that the dynamic duo was meant to drive crazy. Think you guys can keep Beavis and Butt-head here in the meantime and not let them go anywhere?"
"Uh, I think we can manage," Tom told her. "So how do you want us to do that?"
"Watch TV with them or eat some nachos together," Daria informed her two Highland companions. "It's a lot easier than it sounds. Anyways, I'm off to the library."
"Hah!" McVicker laughed. "Then I had Coach Buzzcut force Beavis and Butt-head to go outside before they could get dressed!"
"That was very brilliant!" Ibn El-Khatib told his vice principal.
"Yeah, totally worth it!" McVicker smiled, taking another sip of his red wine. "It was one of the few times I got back at Beavis and Butt-head!"
"I could only imagine the looks on their faces," El-Khatib leaned back in his chair.
"Totally priceless!" McVicker leaned forward, drinking down some wine yet again. "Everybody saw them in their underwear!"
"If I may, what would you say was the worst experience you have had with the two?" asked the new principal.
"Oh man," McVicker put a hand on his head. "So many moments to choose from… but if I had to pick out two moments, it was either the time they got me sent to a mental hospital or the time they gave me a heart attack!"
"Well, it is good that all of these events are now in the past," El-Khatib clasped both hands together. "Now you may look forward to a more glorious future…"
"You said it!" McVicker took yet another drink of wine and fell face-first onto the table.
Ibn El-Khatib reached over and put his hand on McVicker's neck to feel for a pulse. Luckily, McVicker was still alive but unconscious, just the way El-Khatib had planned it. The Middle Eastern man walked past McVicker and opened the door where Dale Powers was waiting outside.
"I believe Mr. McVicker has had too much to drink," El-Khatib told his associate. "Would you be so kind as to take him to a more comfortable lodging area? After that, I would like for you to track down Beavis and Butt-head."
"You got it," Dale Powers helped pick up the sleeping McVicker.
Daria sat down at the Highland public library, clicking away at the mouse in an attempt to find any kind of information as to who had royal blood.
"Who knew saving the world would be so dreary," Daria sighed.
She had not wanted to enter into any official government building for official birth records due to the possibility that the Death Apostles had already infiltrated the place. Fortunately for her, the public library had a large computer database system that contained several obituaries and readily-researchable family trees.
What also helped was that she didn't look too out of the place in the library with her plain clothing and glasses.
The only problem was that it was tedious and time-consuming to search up almost everybody in the city.
"Like looking for a needle in a haystack," Daria leaned back onto her chair in boredom.
"So, like, did you see Daria's thingies?" Butt-head asked. "Uh, huh huh huh!"
"Yeah, and, like, does she even have any?" Beavis added.
"For the last time," he told the duo. "Daria and I didn't go that far."
Beavis and Butt-head sat on a couch along with Kevin and Tom, watching TV together. At the far end where Kevin sat, he could barely suppress a laugh at what Beavis and Butt-head were saying.
"What a dork!" Butt-head laughed. "Huh huh huh!"
"Yeah, like, what kind of dude are you if not even Daria would show you her thingies?" Beavis laughed. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Okay, I think I've had all I can take," Tom got up in frustration, walking away from the duo and leaving behind the pair with Kevin.
After Tom left and went to the kitchen, Kevin finally decided to laugh a little louder.
"Okay, nothing against Tom," Kevin smiled. "But you guys are hilarious!"
"Huh huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Man, I can't believe Daria used to know you guys but she never told me!" Kevin declared.
"That's 'cause Daria only wants to tell people useless crap!" Butt-head declared.
"Yeah, she's one of those smart chicks who just want to, like, study and crap! Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Beavis, you dumbass! Daria dropped out of college!"
"Oh yeah, heh heh heh! Maybe she isn't such a smart chick after all!"
"Hey, nothing wrong with that, right?" Kevin leaned back. "There's more to life than burying your head in the books, no?"
"You said it, dude!" Butt-head agreed.
"Damn it, there's no good TV on right now!" Beavis threw down the remote in anger.
"Yeah, we've already seen all this crap before!" Butt-head frowned. "C'mon, let's head out!"
"Wait guys," Kevin protested. "Didn't Daria tell us to stay here?"
"Uhhh, who said Daria's in charge?" Butt-head asked.
"Yeah, who put Diarrhea in charge?" Beavis snickered. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"C'mon guys," Kevin told them. "Daria's here on a very important mission and we need to support her!"
Butt-head looked into his pockets. After digging around a bit, he took out something resembling a driver's ID.
"What's this?" Kevin asked.
"Uh, that foreigner dude at our school gave it to us," Butt-head informed the football player. "It's a fake ID to get beer with!"
"Yeah, and we can talk to chicks at the bar!" added Beavis. "Boi-i-i-i-ing!"
"Except Beavis always gets beer poured on his head every time he talks to a chick!" Butt-head reminded him. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Shut up Butt-head!" protested Beavis. "That happens to you too!"
"Whoa, you guys got a fake ID?" Kevin's serious expression changed in an instant. "For real?"
"Yeah dude," Butt-head replied. "We can get into any bar now!"
"In that case, count me in!" Kevin declared, his desire to have fun finally overriding his more cautious side
Over an hour had passed. Or perhaps two hours. At this point, it became more difficult for Daria to keep track.
The lack of sleep was catching up to her. At this point, she had gone over at least a hundred family profiles on the computer and there was almost no sign of anybody who had royal blood.
"Just as I thought," Daria clicked on another newspaper obituary to look up the next family tree.
She took a sip out of her water bottle but it did not appear to help matters.
"Maybe just a short break," she leaned over, resting her head on her arms.
Resting her eyes had never felt so good, especially in her fatigue. Before she knew it, her mind was wandering off into another realm outside of the present day.
One person inside the library turned and looked at Daria. He quickly took out his phone and made a call.
"Daria Morgendorffer has been spotted," he told the person on the other side.
"Then Beavis and I saved America!" Butt-head laughed. "Huh huh huh!"
"Shit, all of that's true?" Kevin leaned over on the bar.
The three of them had been drinking profusely, all thanks to the fake ID that Butt-head had on him. It helped that the owner of the bar was also quite lenient despite how young they looked.
"Every word, dude," Butt-head confirmed.
"Wait, so when that guy told you to do his wife, you thought he meant for you to have sex with her?" Kevin chuckled in disbelief.
"Yeah, that was cool!" Beavis declared. "Too bad we didn't actually get to do her…"
"Terrorist dude offered us the chance to do it with his wife and all we got was a lousy road trip," Butt-head added. "Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Well, at least Beavis and Butt-head got the chance to do America," Kevin smiled drunkenly. "Sounds like a real cool road trip… minus the cavity searches and getting thrown out a window by a President's daughter…"
"Yeah, that President dude's daughter wanted me," chuckled Butt-head. "Huh huh huh!"
"Wow, you guys are really cool!" Kevin laughed. "Hah hah hah hah hah!"
"Huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Nice party you guys have got here."
All three of the boys turned around at the new guy standing before them. It was Dale Powers, looking as intimidating as ever.
"I see you've made a new friend," Dale eyed Kevin.
"Yeah, this dude's cool," said Butt-head.
"I didn't think a guy who knew Diarrhea would be cool, heh heh heh!" Beavis agreed.
"That's nice," Dale got serious quickly. "Anyways, I'm gonna need you two to come with me."
"Uh, what for?" asked Butt-head.
"To do your thing," Dale walked up to them.
At once, Powers grabbed the two of them.
"Wait, what're you doing?" Beavis protested. "Let go!"
"I need you little jerks off on a very important mission," Powers informed them.
"Huh huh huh! You said jerk!"
"Heh heh heh! Then you said off!"
Powers hoisted the two up despite whatever feeble resistance they were able to muster.
"Hey, wait a second!" Kevin got up. "These are some good guys! Besides, Daria would kill me if I let them out of my sight!"
Momentarily, Dale let go of Beavis and Butt-head. Turning to Kevin, he punched Kevin across the jaw, knocking the drunken young man out.
"Bang, you're dead," Dale smiled.
He turned his attention back to the duo and revealed a pistol in his jacket.
"You wanna come willingly or not?" the former military man asked.
Beavis and Butt-head looked at each other fearfully, realizing they had little choice.
At once, Daria opened up her eyes, realizing she was standing in the middle of a desert. And from the looks of it, it wasn't in Texas.
"Where am I?" she looked around.
Daria turned around. Before her was an elderly man with olive brown skin, long white hair, and a bushy beard. He held in his hand a wooden staff.
"Who… who are you?" she took a step back.
"I am not one whom you should fear," the old man told her.
"Then who are you?" she asked.
"You may call me Zarathustra," he replied with a tap of his staff to the ground.
"Zarathustra…" Daria recalled. "I read up on you. You were the founder of Zoroastrianism."
"I have wondered the Earth for eons," Zarathustra told her. "Waiting for such a time I would finally meet the Saoshyant."
"And I thought high school took too long," commented Daria. "So, uh, I'm some kind of chosen one?"
"Yes, and you will be destined to destroy the dark one," prophesized Zarathustra. "But only with the Spear of Destiny will you be able to do so."
"The Spear of Destiny," Daria looked down. "I recall reading up on it during high school… wasn't it the spear that pierced the side of Jesus Christ according to the Gospel of John?"
"Yes, and it is much closer to you than you can imagine."
"Wait," asked Daria. "The Spear is in this town?"
"Find the Spear of Destiny and you will be able to halt the demon god Angra Mainyu," Zarathustra spoke cryptically.
Suddenly, Daria woke up with sweat across her head. Now she was back in the library where she been before the dream.
"Either the lack of sleep is really getting to me," she noted, "or I just got a real doomsday prophecy…"
Still, she realized that it wouldn't hurt to visit the Highland Museum to see if the Spear of Destiny was really there.
She looked down at her own jacket on the side of her pocket. Her cell phone was buzzing. She took her phone out and opened it.
"Daria!" Tom was the one on the other side.
"Tom?" Daria answered quietly since she was still in a library. "What's going on?"
"Listen, uh," Tom said nervously. "You know how you told me to keep Beavis and Butt-head over here?"
"Yes?" Daria's voice grew harder, realizing what Tom was getting at.
"Well, uh, they kinda slipped out with Kevin," confessed Tom.
"You let them head out with Kevin?" Daria demanded more loudly than she should have at a public library.
At once, the librarian glared at Daria and made a gesture for her to keep quiet.
After seeing the librarian, Daria realized she had to cool down.
"How could you have allowed this to happen?!" Daria whispered harshly.
"They drove me crazy and I decided to go to the kitchen," Tom admitted. "I didn't think they'd convince Kevin to go out."
"Some help you were," Daria sighed.
"I'm sorry Daria," Tom tried to apologize. "It's just… I wasn't used to dealing with people like Beavis and Butt-head!"
"Look, just drive over here as fast as you can," Daria told him sternly. "We need to fix this."
"Okay," promised Tom. "I'm on it."
After Tom hung up, Daria put her phone back into her jacket, shaking her head. She had not counted on this degree of human error setting her back and making the situation even more difficult.
Daria turned around. Before her stood a young man with a polo and glasses.
"Who are you?" she demanded. "And how do you know my name?!"
Without warning, the young man grabbed her and pinned her against the table.
Daria struggled against her assailant but his grip was hard to break out of.
"The prophecy will come to fruition and we Death Apostles will make sure you no longer stand in our way!" the assailant promised, taking out a knife.
Bracing herself, Daria prepared to defend from the attack somehow but before she could, suddenly a massive hand reached out, disarming the knife from her attacker. As her assailant turned around, he was taken out with a single punch from a man that Daria used to be familiar with.
"C-Coach Buzzcut?" Daria looked on in disbelief.
"I'm sorry you had to experience that, ma'am," Buzzcut told her, taking out a pair of handcuffs. "Wait, do I know you?"
"Well, uh, it's been a while," Daria told him. "But I used to be a student in your classes."
Buzzcut flashed a badge before the librarian to let her know that he was a legal figure of authority after he completely handcuffed Daria's attacker.
"I'm Daria Morgendorffer," she told him.
"Daria…" Buzzcut recalled. "I remember now. You were one of the few students years ago who didn't completely drive me insane."
"Those were the days," Daria said drolly.
"Mind if we step outside?" Buzzcut asked her. "I have a few questions for you."
"Might as well," Daria agreed reluctantly.
Buzzcut took her outside along with the attacker whom he handed over to a few federal agents that Daria swore she had seen years ago in a classroom breaking in and interrupting a Van Driessen musical. Buzzcut spoke briefly with an older agent with sunglasses who nodded in consent to Buzzcut's request.
After he was done, Buzzcut walked back to Daria.
"So, what were you doing in that library?" asked Daria, beating Buzzcut to the punch before he could even ask why she was back in Highland.
"I was going to ask you the same myself," Buzzcut admitted. "But since you asked first, I'll have you know that I'm helping the government out with the task of cracking down on some dangerous people in this town. And public libraries tend to be where drug dealers and other miscreants gather to talk quietly about their illegal activities."
"Would they happen to be a murder cult?" asked Daria. "Called the Death Apostles?"
Buzzcut tensed, not realizing Daria already knew about them.
"How did you know that?" demanded Buzzcut.
"I've dealt with them in college," replied Daria. "I'm actually back in town because I'm here to try to stop them."
"Listen Miss Morgendorffer," Buzzcut advised. "Leave this to the authorities. Right now the government has me helping them because I'm the only qualified person in this town with my military background."
"But I know about their operations," Daria insisted. "I can help you take them down."
"Look here," Buzzcut told her. "While it might be nice seeing one of my better students again, this is way out of your pay grade."
Before Daria could retort, she saw a car pull up, with Stewart, Cassandra, Tom, and even Kevin there. Kevin appeared to be sporting a stiff red spot on his jaw.
"Guys!" Daria rushed towards the car.
"We came as soon as we could," Stewart told her. "And we picked Kevin up along the way."
"Hey Daria," Kevin looked at Daria ashamedly. "Sorry I—"
"You had one job, Kevin," Daria glared at him. "Don't let Beavis and Butt-head go anywhere."
"Listen Daria," Tom told her. "It's not completely his fault. I should have been more patient and put up with them better. Then none of this would have happened."
Daria crossed her arms, clearly upset with both Tom and Kevin. Realizing this, the two of them hung their heads down in shame.
"Excuse me," Buzzcut looked at all the young adults in the party, "but what in God's name do Beavis and Butt-head have to do with any of this?"
"The Death Apostles had a prophecy," Daria replied. "Two fools would drive a King's son to madness and death. Since the prophecy was supposed to take place in this town, I easily assumed Beavis and Butt-head to be those two fools. Now, as for the King's son, I'm still at a loss because apparently nobody in Highland has any royal blood. And who knows where Beavis and Butt-head are now!"
"I was crowned Prom King two years in a row," Kevin said sheepishly. "Maybe it's me? But then again, that would mean I can't hang out with Beavis and Butt-head… those guys were real cool!"
Daria looked at Kevin, trying to prevent her own jaw from falling off its hinges at his complete lack of any senses.
Then Daria remembered that she had still left her bag back in the library next to the computer.
"I left my bag in the library," she told them. "And when I come back, I think it may be for the best if I work alone on this…"
"Alright," Buzzcut told her. "But when you come back, I have more questions for you."
Daria went back inside to pick up her back. Her eyes slid towards one of the family lineage charts on the screen. It had been the final chart she had gotten to before falling asleep.
"Wait a second," Daria took her bag but sat down.
On the chart were a man and a woman. Below them was their only son. The man's name was Edward McVicker while the woman's name was Sarah King. Beneath them was their son, wide-eyed and innocent looking in an older photo.
"Hold on," Daria looked at the son's photo more carefully. "This is Principal McVicker's family tree!"
Judging from his date of birth, it was indeed Principal McVicker as a much younger boy. Slowly, Daria's eyes hovered back to his parents. One thing that immediately caught Daria's eye was the maiden name of Principal McVicker's mother… King. And her son was Principal McVicker, the very man that Beavis and Butt-head had tormented for so long…
"Oh my God…" Daria realized in horror.
Grabbing her bags, Daria quickly ran outside.
"Guys!" she told everybody assembled at the scene. "We have to make it back to Highland High!"
"Why's that?" demanded Buzzcut. He and Agent Flemming were already in deep conversation.
"Because McVicker is the son of a King… his mother Sarah King!" Daria told them. "That cult is going to target him as their endgame! McVicker's life is in danger!"
"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed as Dale Powers marched him and Beavis back into the principal's office. "Why are we going back to school?"
"Maybe they added some new channels they wanna show us?" suggested Beavis.
"Ah, good to see you boys back," Ibn El-Khatib smiled.
Next to the principal was a man wearing white robes and covered with an owl mask. He stood there in such a manner that indicated he would rather have as little to do with Beavis and Butt-head as possible.
"I see the High Priest is already here," Dale Powers bowed.
"I entrust everything to you," Mr. Candy said to Ibn El-Khatib. "Now get those two out of my sight."
"You heard the man," Powers ordered some of the Death Apostles to take Beavis and Butt-head away.
"Uh, where are we going?" demanded Butt-head.
"Do you remember the moment your combined laughter got former Principal McVicker institutionalized?" asked El-Khatib, as he guided the boys towards the door.
"Yeah, that was cool!" Beavis declared.
"Well, I hope you won't mind doing it a second time," El-Khatib winked. "Except this time there will be no ambulance to take him away…"
"Uh… okay," Butt-head said as he was lead away, not realizing what was really about to go down.
"Once those two complete their task, a new age of darkness will reign," Mr. Candy said, finally taking off his owl mask before El-Khatib and Powers. "Then Angra Mainyu will reward us, his faithful servants!"
Cackling wildly, Mr. Candy walked off.
Both Powers and El-Khatib both looked at each other funny. It was the first time they had seen their High Priest Moloch without his mask.
"Is it me?" asked Powers. "Or was that really anti-climactic?"
"No, not you," El-Khatib shook his head. "With a soft baby face like his, I would encourage him to continue wearing the mask…"