A/N: Dedicated to two authors who will likely never see this, but without whom I wouldn't ever have started a Remione: JKR and Shayalonnie. I'm guessing you're already familiar with the former, but if you don't know the latter, go read Shaya's stories here on this site. She's written for almost every pairing you can give Hermione, but her Remione tales were what convinced me that these two work well together.

AU in that Sirius and Remus survived.

Useless Advice

Late in August, with no breeze to speak of, it was only magic itself that kept the cartons of ice cream from melting. A eleven-year-old boy with blue hair sat cross-legged on a picnic blanket in a garden, surrounded by heaps of home-cooked food and a gaggle of children and adults doling out gifts and advice. It wasn't Teddy Lupin's birthday, but the party was assembled in his honour nevertheless.

He'd already opened packages filled with new quills, parchment scrolls, and books, all of which would soon fill the trunk sitting in his bedroom. A collection of prank wands and Puking Pastilles was already hidden beneath the woolen jumpers and heavy trousers his dad had packed, but Teddy still had a week left before the train ride would take him off to Hogwarts for the very first time.

'First off, never walk into Minnie's classroom late,' Sirius instructed, devouring a second piece of the Victoria sponge cake Molly had baked for the occasion. A little raspberry jam remained on his lower lip when he elbowed George in the ribs. 'Tried to flirt my way out of detention on that one.'

George snorted into his glass of ale. 'Which earned you another detention, I suspect? McGonagall suffered no fools.'

Sirius grinned, licking the jam off his lip. 'It was worth it just to watch her turn red.'

'I'm not you, Padfoot,' Teddy said, rolling his eyes at his father's best friend. He'd been raised to show up five minutes early just to make sure he'd never make anyone else wait on him, and frankly, it was always annoying to have to wait for Sirius when he showed up ten minutes after he'd said he would. 'I'm not going to make the Headmistress mad just because.'

Remus ruffled his son's hair playfully. 'Very good, Teddy. Just remember that Padfoot only gives useless advice, and always do the exact opposite of everything he says. Also, don't call her "Minnie" unless you're asking for trouble.'

Teddy smiled at his dad's words. 'I'll be okay, Dad.'

'And remember that Madame Pince will examine all of the books you return to the library,' said Percy. He stacked the dirty dishes with a wave of his wand, tidying things up so that his mum would be able to relax a little and enjoy the party. 'Never fold any of the corners over.'

'For another thing, don't fall in love with your professors,' Ron instructed matter-of-factly. He popped a few more grapes into his mouth.

Teddy cringed, eyes wide. 'You mean... like Uncle Neville?'

'Yep,' Harry said, nodding. 'Don't fall in love with Uncle Neville.'

'I don't think that's going to happen,' the young man reassured his godfather.

'Because professors have cooties?' George asked.

Teddy shrugged. 'Because professors are old. Who falls in love with their professors, anyway?'

Harry snorted back laughter, and Hermione pulled out her wand to zap him across the blanket.

'We call this one the Hermione Rule,' Ron said. 'She was falling in love with professors left and right.'

Hermione reached over and smacked Ron upside the head. 'I was twelve, you numpty! And I thought he was a brilliant explorer and author.'

'So you fell in love with his big... books?' George asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Ron guffawed. 'I think she also fell in love with his big teeth and his perfect head of hair.'

Teddy's eyes were as wide as saucers as they all took the mickey out of the smartest woman he'd ever known. Hermione knew the answer to every question he asked, and unlike Molly or Fleur, she actually listened to every single word he said. Teddy didn't really like it when they teased Hermione, but he'd seen her eviscerate every last one of them before, so he wasn't worried. She could take care of herself.

'C'mon, Hermione!' Harry needled her. 'You fell in love with Lockhart when you were twelve, but that doesn't explain why you were head over heels for Snape.'

'He was a spy,' she said in self-defence, 'and I was going through a James Bond phase that summer.'

'James Bond?' Teddy asked.

Hermione smiled at him. 'You and me, Teddy. When you're home at Christmas, you're coming over to my house and we're going to watch a Bond film. It's all spies and action and really cheesy dialogue. My favourite one has a villain who uses his hat as a weapon.'

Knowing that she was as good as her word, the boy grinned. 'You've got a deal, Hermione.' Of course, he only had so much time off at break, and he didn't want his dad to be lonely. 'Can dad come, too?'

She plucked a ripe peach out of the basket and took a bite, her eyes finding Remus across the crowd. 'Only if he brings the popcorn.'

'What about me?' Sirius cried, picking up the boy in order to tickle him without mercy. 'Are you Lupins abandoning me?'

And Teddy lost his breath laughing as he tried to free himself from the man's grip.

'Still,' Ron said, bringing the subject back around to Snape, 'that doesn't explain why you fell in love with the Greasy Git again after the war.'

'I blame that one on Harry's mum,' Hermione said, sighing. She sprawled out on the blanket, leaning on one elbow as she continued to nibble at her peach. 'Who knew that Professor Snape was such a romantic?'

'There is no accounting for taste, Kitten,' Sirius said, disgusted by the notion that anyone would fall for the dubious charms of Severus Snape. He sat up as Teddy scrambled away from him.

'I don't know about that,' Hermione said, getting in a little dig at his expense. 'I never had a thing for you, Padfoot.'

Sirius grumbled something under his breath, but Teddy couldn't make it out.

'The worst one of all,' Harry said, directing his words to the boy as he regained his equilibrium, 'was during our third year.'

Hermione blushed so hard Teddy could swear that her toes turned pink. Well, now he had to know. 'Who'dja have a crush on that year?'

'Yeah, Hermione?' Ron said, wheedling her. 'Who was it again?'

'Fine!' she cried, pulling herself to a seated position. 'If you must know, Teddy, I had a professor that year who was smart and kind.'

The boy nodded, waiting for her to name the person she was thinking of.

She continued enumerating her reasons. 'And unlike our previous professors, he actually knew what he was doing teaching our motley crew of Gryffindors.'

Teddy nodded. So far, this all made sense with what he expected of Hermione. She and his dad would engage in long, rambling conversations over tea while he and Sirius played Gobstones in the living room.

'Half the girls in my year had a crush on him,' she said, further justifying herself.

Teddy waited for more information.

'And he also taught me the trick of eating chocolate to help with magical recovery when you're sick.'

He thought about it. 'Everybody knows that. Don't they? Dad's been giving me chocolate since—'

And then it hit him.

Oh, he thought.

Oh, really?

'Dad?' he asked, throwing out the obvious suggestion. 'Hermione, you fell in love with my dad?'

She nodded, the blush having mostly subsided.

He whipped around and caught his father's eye. 'Did you know about this?'

Remus's eyes were wide as he glanced between his son and the woman he'd known for fifteen years. 'Really?'

She joined Percy in packing up the rest of the empty dishes. By hand, even though she could have used her magic to save the effort. When she saw the smug smile on her friend's face, she just rolled her eyes. 'That was a long time ago, Remus. It was just a silly crush.'

His chest puffed up a bit and he elbowed Sirius in the ribs. 'And she never even thought of you at all. Gosh, it's like you weren't even a man to our gal Hermione here.'

And Victoire, who had keenly observed everything, merely eyed Teddy with a knowing look. 'I think Uncle Neville is rather fanciable.'

I've been kicking around a few Remione plots for awhile now, and thought I'd take the plunge. I'm not totally sure how long this one will be, but your enthusiasm (or lack thereof) will probably determine the final length of this.