It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Not like this. Not now.
I sat down on the toilet seat of the gas station bathroom. God, a gas station. I was taking a pregnancy test in a freaking gas station bathroom. Correction: I took a pregnancy test in a gas station bathroom. And it was positive.
Yep, I was pregnant. Pregnant in a dirty gas station bathroom. A really... really... really... dirty gas station bathroom. Is that a condom in the corner? Oh god, I have to get out of here.
Where do I have to go though? I was still on the run after leaving team Flash with the idea that I would "find myself" in the process.
I had to scoff at myself. "Finding myself". What a load of shit. I'm not in college anymore, I shouldn't be using those two words in a sentence ever again.
More importantly, I should have a fixed residence, a stable job and should at least be trying to stick to a diet. Not traveling around the state, living in my car and eating weird diner food every night.
You have been trying to save people though as you travel.
Attempting to stop a few people from getting mugged is hardly being heroic though. Compare those people to all the ones I've hurt and its not hard to see why I still think of myself as the villain.
A pregnant villain. Well I guess that makes sense. Of course I don't get a happy ending or a traditional pregnancy where I'm happily married beforehand. Oh god this baby is coming into such a messed up world.
How could this happen to me?
Tears flowed down my face now and I was having trouble breathing. I was getting that gross phlegm in my throat and I could barely choke back my sobs.
It was my baby. I was having a baby.
I hung my head low as I sobbed, not knowing how I could be so unfortunate as to have this happen. First I get these powers that make me want to kill, that make me so goddamn angry, of which I eventually overcome. Finally I've learnt to control them, even though there is that little bit of fear inside of me that it could still happen again. That there's a possibility I could lose control again and hurt all the people I love. But for the minute, I was in control.
Until I wasn't anymore. Because now, I'm pregnant.
I was pregnant with potentially a little Killer Frost inside of me.
I didn't know where I was going for most of the day. Or maybe I subconsciously did. Maybe it was just instinct. When I ended up in front of my apartment building later that night though, I was hardly surprised.
Solitude and a heater. That is what my apartment could provide for me. That is what I wanted. That is all I could focus on for the moment.
I opened my apartment door and immediately my foot was caught on dozens of notes on the ground. What the hell?
One note out of all of them was a wedding invitation from Barry and Iris for the upcoming Saturday. The rest were from Julian.
I know by this point you obviously aren't reading these, hopefully one day you do. We took down another meta today. He was basically a porcupine, wasn't all that hard to take him down honestly. The fun at STAR Labs isn't really that riveting anymore. Seems too easy after defeating Savitar. Too boring since you left. Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
My heart felt incredibly heavy as I picked up all of the notes and placed them on my kitchen bench. I couldn't possibly read all these without crying, could I? Julian left me a note every single day it seemed, even though he knew I wasn't here. He waited for me to come home.
Julian is waiting for me still.
That thought was enough to make me start crying again. Julian was waiting for me. Julian had a baby he didn't even know about. Well I mean, he didn't have one yet. He made one though. He created something and he doesn't even know it.
And again, I was sobbing heavily by myself. Except this time it was in the dark and not under some cheap fluorescent bathroom light.
I stopped once I heard footsteps outside my front door though. I tiny sob escaped my mouth because I knew who it was and why he was here.
Julian. Julian was leaving me another note.
A blue slip of paper slid under my door and I held my breath until I knew he was gone. I closed my eyes and bit down on my lower lip. I wasn't ready yet. I could barely think about Julian the whole day without my mind immediately shutting the though down. Its simply too confusing already without adding Julian to my long list of questions and problems. I couldn't even figure out what I was going to do yet, how was I meant to think about Julian?
He's been thinking about you though.
I opened my eyes and looked over all of the notes on the bench. Some were longer than others; some were simply just a sentence. There were a couple that appeared to have small drawings on them. All of the clearly had a lot of care put into the, big or small.
I looked down at my stomach, still in shock. My white hair hung around my face, reminding me that this baby wasn't just half Julian's; it was also possibly half Killer Frost.
I collected my things and rushed for the door. I had to get to STAR Labs. Surely I could determine if this baby had my powers already. I had to know if it had the overwhelming feeling of rage I fought so hard to get rid of.