Well, thanks to my very very generous reviewers, i have long debated and decided to force upon you a little bit more of the secret lives of our favourite sailors!

Much gratitude to:

My love, LadyBush My nemesis, nekohebi (x2) Justina Lui Budding Authoress (x2) edgy wedgy L Campagne Horatio's Lady Kit5 Teresa Spaci Ireth Natalie Riverdaughter Lizard2 Ivory Moon

You are all wonderful, kind-hearted people!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hornblower. And the world is thankful for that fact.

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Hornblower the things we DIDN'T see!- part 2

Picture the scene- the HMS Indefatigable makes its stately way through the water. Everything aboard is running smooth as clockwork (oh no, another anachronism, what shall we do? *swoons*). You relax as you begin to believe that the fic will be perfectly sane and normal. Heh heh heh. You shouldn't have relaxed...

"ACK! NO! NOT THE GOLDFISH! PLEASE, NOT THE GOLDFISH!"

"Horatio-"

"NO, JACK, NO! I WILL NOT SUBMIT! THE CURLING TONGS ARE MINE DAMMIT! AND THEY DO NOT EARN THEIR LIVINGS ON THEIR BACKS!"

"Horatio-"

"*GASP* MY LITTLE BLACK NUMBER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FAVOURITE SPARKLY OUTFIT! YOU B$!R)!"

Lieutenant Archie Kennedy sighed. Horatio's nightmares had been getting decidedly worse. Ever since that night he'd spent alone with Pellew in the captain's office/boudoir/cabin...his tall Welsh friend hadn't been the same- he was almost impossibly weirder.

With the ease of long practise, Archie carefully pulled the sobbing 'hero' into his arms and rocked him gently, singing a lullaby.

"Go to sleep
Go to sleep
Go to sleep little sailor

Close your eyes
Hug your teddy
The watch bell will soon wake you."

Horatio pushed his thumb into his mouth and smiled in his sleep. Suddenly aware of the damage such cuteness would cause the huge Hornblower fanbase, Archie pushed Horatio off of his bed and kicked his shins- at great risk to his health (have you ever SEEN a horde of righteous fangirls seeking revenge? Poor Archie.)

The younger officer blinked sleepily, causing Archie to wince. Those poor fangirls- the drool would be mounting. "Whassamarrer Arch? Wha 'appened?" Horatio's eyes filled with tears. "You pushed me! You meanie! I'm never talking to you again!"

Archie breathed in deeply and counted to ten under his breath. 'I will not kill Horatio, I will not kill Horatio, I will not kill Horatio.'

With no warning... no, sorry, with much stampeding and yelling, William Bush burst into the room and struck a dignified pose. Well, almost. Those damn chickens- they get everywhere and it's so easy to trip over one and be sent hurtling into a wall. Ouch.

Stunned, Bush simply lay in a pool of his own presence- no, literally. Bush was the sort of person who could fill a room with just himself there. It's something about the voice.

Caustiously Archie approached. You never want to upset a man with a lot of presence. "Mr Bush? Are you alright?"

Bush leapt up. "I'M JOLLY SPIFFING MR KENNEDY, HOW ARE YOU, OLD BEAN?"

Slammed against the wall by the force of the voice, Archie could only grin foolishly and watch in delight as a trio of pink elephant tap-danced merrily round his face.

Meanwhile, our erstwhile hero (who the hell came up with 'erstwhile'? it sounds like part of the small intestine! Yes, the processed food then travels from the small intestine into the large intestine via the erstwhile) , Horatio 'Oh-what-a-big-ship-I've-got' Hornblower had pulled himself up off the floor, dressed in his special orange two-piece and strode up on deck.

Standing on the sturdy wooden boards, surrounded by burly, sweating, half- naked sailors with bulging muscles, Horatio felt himself relax. Ahh, it was good to be the main character in a popular TV series! Noticing something amiss, Horatio cocked his head to one side. There was something terribly, horribly worng. Something so dreadfully awful that he couldn't think what it was. And he was scared. So he did what he always does when scared. He ripped off his shirt and dove into the sea.

After a pleasant swim, he dragged his shivering, tanned, well-built carcass back on deck. But something still wasn't quite right. He posed and looked beautifically thoughtful. But no, that didn't do it either. Having used up all of his usual answers, he did the one thing he could be sure would work. "AAAARRRRCCCCHHHHIIIIEEE!"

Faster than a speeding lorry driver on the way to a fast-food restaurant, Archie appeared- no pink elephants in sight. He checked his stop- watch...er...hour-glass thingy and clicked his tongue. Two seconds up on his last time, yes! He strode to Horatio and asked him what was wrong. His friend's face broke into a grin and he hugged Archie tightly. "Yay! Archie! Er," his face fell. "I can't remember what I wanted. Cheese?" Horatio offered Archie a soggy piece of cheese.

Archie declined with a sigh. He was going to have to use desperate measures. He reached into his magically bottomless pockets and pulled out various bits of string, yo-yos, apples, joke books and finger puppets. Cleverly he used ventriloquism to extract the info he wanted from Horatio. "So, something is wrong, eh?"

Horatio's face lit up like a pinball machine. "Yay, Mr Fluffy!"

Archie waved the puppets around a bit more, then gave up and went for a large capuchino in the resident coffee shop. Horatio followed, skipping merrily, and then had a tantrum because his milkshake wasn't large enough. And then (drumroll please), he remembered. Ah, milkshakes! Is there anything they can't do?

He tugged on Archie's sleeve. "!" he whined, irritatingly.

Archie sighed into his latte and looked up from his drink. "Yes, Horatio?"

Horatio giggled. "You have a moustache! Yoou'll have to shave it off!"

Archie wiped his mouth. Horatio's happy face became 'serious' again.

"Archie, where is Captain Pellew?"

Archie sat bolt upright. So THAT was why it had been so quiet! "I don't know. We should find him. Come on!"

Within ten minutes the whole crew was searching up and down, left to right, high and low, over and under, round and round, you take the high road and I'll take the low road. But there was no sign of the illustrious Captain. Then Archie had a brainwave.

"Horatio, strip off and dance around the deck!"

The dark-haired beauty pouted. "Why should I?"

"Because if you do, I'll give you a lollipop!"

"Yay! Okay!" Horatio quickly pulled off all his clothes and began to dance around on deck. There was a noise like a thousand stampeding buffalo and Pellew appeared, sprinting as fast as he could. He took one look at Horatio, then grabbed him and hauled him off to his office/boudoir/cabin for another round of 'Tie Horatio to the bed and *CENSORED*!'

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Later that day Bush, having completely recovered from his collision with the wall, came up on deck and went to stand next to Archie. "So Mr Kennedy, is Mr Hornblower free? I want to talk to him about something."

Archie grinned. "I think the chances of you being able to talk to Horatio right now are as big as Oldroyd's chance of surviving until the next serires. Next to none!"

THE END *~*~*~*~*~~**~*~**~**~~~*~***~*~**~~*~***~*~*