Disclaimer: I do not own The Guardian or it's characters. I do own this story. Do I make money of this story? Nope! Please don't sue –you won't get anything anyways

Rating: PG-13: For Language and Tough Topics.

Spoilers: The Weight

Summary: Nick Fallen reflects on his life and his relationship with Lulu.

Reflections by Peacejaw


It's such a final ending to one's life. How do you even begin to understand what the impact of it has on your life? You are the one who is left behind and must face the pain that death has left behind.

The first person I know that died was my mother. How I loved her… how I still do. At the funeral, I was completely numb. Numb to pain, numb to people, and numb to the world. I didn't, more to the point, couldn't feel anything. By then, I had already learned how to turn all of my internal sensors off and have all of my shields up and running on maximum power.

And it's a good thing too. Hundreds of people, it seemed, paid their respects to my father and I at the funeral. People I had never met, had never seen, and hadn't known existed all said something to the effect of: "I'm sorry for your loss" or "You poor thing –losing your mother so young" or "I know exactly how you feel". Truth be told, though, there wasn't a soul at the funeral who understood what I was going through. Nor did they want to. Somehow, when it was all over and done with, everyone knew enough to leave things well enough alone.

Unfortunately for me, after everyone was gone, it just left my father and me alone together. To top that off, my father didn't know what to do with me… so he shipped me off to boarding school. That was just a place where I could practice keeping my masks up and running. Of course I made all the proper friends, but no one really saw the real me. In fact, I'm not sure that I have ever known the real me.


Yeah, I know that I messed up big time when I got busted for drugs, but I don't blame anyone other than myself. I could also give you a bunch of reasons for doing the drugs, but then I would be copping out of my responsibility of accepting the consequences of said actions. Sure, I had my reasons for doing drugs, but I was wrong for actually turning to drugs in the first place. I can actually see that now.

Trouble is… if it weren't for facing the consequences of drug abuse, I wouldn't have my "job" at Legal Aide. I also wouldn't have remembered what it was like to love someone. I would gladly give up facing the life and death issues that I face on a regular basis though.

Life isn't always fair and I learned that early on in life. However, there's nothing in life that can prepare you for watching a child die… not even losing your own mother. And it hurts more and more the more you see it happen. And there are only two people that can understand that much about me: Lulu and Laurie.

Good grief! They both mean so much to me that I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost either one of them. Unfortunately Lulu is fighting for her life at this very moment. That damn car accident has done wonders for the both of us. She's damaged physically and I'm damaged emotionally. Whey the hell do I always have to be the strong one and the one who almost always ends up surviving whatever comes along? Life really isn't fair now is it?

And why is it that I feel as though I have found my way home through Legal Aide and Lulu? I don't even know if there's an actual answer to that question. Up until I started working for Legal Aide, I hadn't cried since my mother's death. Since starting at Legal Aide, I have cried several times… once in public for that matter. I've always hid behind a false armor and wouldn't let anything get to me.

No more.

It seemed like I couldn't get away fast enough from the light that Lulu gave off. She drew me in and now I don't want to let her go. Yet it's probable hat I'll have to. So what is the lesson that I'm supposed to learn watching the light of my life die?

All I want to do is crawl away and die. It's not supposed to be like this. I should have been the one driving. I'm the one who is supposed to be in the coma and my way to dying. At least there would have been no more pain and torment in my death. I would have found peace once and for all.

Yet I'm finding myself feeling that I'm … almost grateful to be alive. As much as I don't want to live with Lulu or any of the children I've seen die, there's a part of me that's glad it's not me that is so messed up that it's better to be dead. Talk about a walking contradiction!

At least Lulu and Laurie understand me. And maybe I can start to understand my own father one day... In due time, I guess. For now, though, I must say 'Goodbye my love' to Lulu and say 'thank you for always being there for me.' Christ! Why do goodbyes always to be so rough?

I am Nick Fallen… always have been and always will be. No one can take that away from me but me –despite his or her interference in my life. I also choose to fight the undertow that seeks to destroy me… though I know it's going to be a rough ride.

The End! - February 2003; updated September 2004