"You move like a bloated buffalo!"

Shut up, idiot.

"And you're always whining! 'Poor me, nobody understands me!"

You don't know the thoughts that constantly run through my head, Fearless.

"And you're ugly!"

No, I'm not!

Please... Just be quiet.

"Aww, you act you so tough, but inside, you're just a scared little baby."

No...

"What's the matter, Raph? You gonna cry?"

I...

I will cry. Thanks to you.


Raph sat on my bed, staring at the broken shards of his old mirror. He stared at his bloody fist, tears steadily streaming down his rather sharp cheekbones. Thankfully, his room was the farthest from his brothers', and the walls were thick enough. If any of his brothers walked in from hearing his cries, the red-clad turtle would die of embarrassment. He hated feeling so vulnerable. Slowly, the most pugnacious of all the turtles stood up, facing the wall with the least amount of posters, which also faced toward the sewers. Unless that crazy homeless guy was still walking around or anyone working in construction, no one would hear him. Raph began to ram his body against the wall, over and over. Already his right shoulder was sore, but he continued. All the while, he was sobbing.

Finally, Raph knelt down. This was the only way he could take out so much pain on himself without the others growing suspicious: lying that he would be hanging out with Casey, staying well past midnight so he could beat himself up. His brothers would just assume he got into another fight with the Purple Dragons or some other group of thugs.

And so far, this technique has worked.


"Raph, you have got to be more careful! I can't always stitch you up, you know!" Donnie wrapped the gauze around Raph's hand tightly and tied it up. The temperamental turtle just shrugged. Donnie glared. "I mean it, meathead. Shell, you don't have to act like such a vigilante every second of the day. And you could have asked for backup."

"Yeah, well, I didn't need your help, genius! And I could have easily dressed my wounds, too!" Raph forced the lab door open and stomped toward the kitchen. He hadn't eaten breakfast, and it was already one in the afternoon. Chompy was right where he left him. "Hey there, little guy. You hungry?" The alien turtle snorted. Raph smiled a little. Then he frowned. He remembered when they were kids, and Donnie always wanted to play doctor. Raph was always his favorite patient. But each visit, he got bored, then annoyed. He didn't want to fix Raph anymore.

Mikey always came to Raph when he had nightmares. Shell, he was the one who made him the teddy bear he always sleeps with! But now...

Mikey's growing up. Sure, not quickly, but he still is. He doesn't need Raph as much anymore. He probably already forgot where he got the bear from. Raph wished he could have spent more time with Mikey. Now it's too late. Mikey never asks to hang out with Raph, unless he's the only person left alone or if forced to. He always chooses Leo or Donnie or Raph, when it used to be Raph over Leo and Donnie. It's too late now...

He always called Leo "Fearless". He always made fun of his role as leader, saying he is a horrible leader. But really, Raph is trying so hard to show his appreciation, yet it's so hard! Why can't he ever express how he truly feels without anger?! It shouldn't be like that. He just doesn't get it about himself.

He wished he could be fearless. He wished he could handle the role as leader.

He wished he could be perfect, like Leo. Then maybe, just maybe, he could have had a chance at having Splinter's love. But even that's too late.


He was going to do it. The knife is right there. Just bring it down, right through your goddamn throat. You won't be an extra burden anymore.

Just as the knife nearly nicked at Raph's Adam's apple, he heard raspy singing and skipping footsteps. It was Mikey. No.

He couldn't do this! Not now! Mikey would see him bleeding from a fatal spot and he won't be able to do anything. He can't do that to his baby brother; he's not that cruel! The knife was shoved into the sink, and as quickly as he could, Raph started the coffee machine just as Mikey walks in.

"Hey, dude!"

Whew, too close.


He watched his family from the hallway. They were all laughing at the defeat of Kavaxas, undead Shredder, and that creepy occult with Tiger Claw. Raph would be celebrating too, but he had been hoping he could have fallen into that hellhole to the Netherworld. That would have been a sweet release. He would be gone. Yet...

For some reason, he couldn't leave his family. Stroking Chompy's head, Raph smirked. Maybe... maybe he could try again. If things don't go right, he's gonna bleed out in his room. But he gets the feeling that things just might go right this time. Hopefully. After all, what kind of family is perfect?

Although, this family could work out some major flaws. Starting with the constant insults thrown around each day.


Thank you for choosing to read my first crappy TMNT fanfic!

I hope you enjoyed. Just what I thought went through Raph's head for a while. (I could do better, though. XP)