My husband and I have a good marriage, but it used to be more than this. We are not as close like years before, even though I see him every day and we make love each week. But he is distant with me. He doesn't open up about his personal problems anymore and it's rare to see him smile. These changes happened before Funny became a president and it's because of one issue. We spoke about it once and it changed our marriage. It's the only thing that makes me lose my temper if anyone reminds me about it. The problem with me is that I can't get pregnant.
We had been married eight years back then. I remember I was reading a romance novel in my room at the evening. Funny was working in his office and he hated to be disturbed. I heard a knock on my door and I thought it was our housekeeper, but it turned out to be my husband. He had a bothered look on his face. I didn't expect him to come to my room at that time since he often spent the evening hours in his office. That's why I knew something was up. He walked over to the chair and sat down. It seemed like he wanted to talk about something but couldn't find right words. After a few seconds of silence, he opened his mouth:
"I have been thinking, Scarlet. About our marriage and our future together... Everything is absolutely wonderful with you, my dear. You're a perfect wife to me and I couldn't ask anyone better in my life. But have you realized that something is missing?"
Funny had turned his gaze at me when he asked the question and I swallowed. I knew what was missing but I didn't want to think about it. I was happy with the life we had and I thought he felt the same way. Apparently I had been wrong. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about.
"Missing?" I let out a small giggle," Oh, I think everything's perfect. I don't know what do you mean by that."
"Haven't you ever thought that we have lived years together and nothing new has happened?"
"New? Do you mean you would like to travel more?"
Funny shook his head and turned his body away from me. He watched outside through the window and didn't say anything. I wished he was going to change the subject or go away. Although he would have left it there, it could had meant him bringing it up another time. I chose to change the subject myself since the silence was making me uneasy:
"I'd like to travel with you more. It doesn't need to be a long trip."
"I don't want to travel, Scarlet..," he faced himself towards me again," What I want is children."
There, he said it. His voice was dead serious and it made myself only feel worse about the situation. I knew joking or sweet talking wouldn't help me out of this one. I opened my mouth but no words were coming out.
He continued, "I have wanted to be a father for years and I'm getting older day by day. I have reached in my 40s now and it made me think about our future. It's strange that... You haven't shown any signs of pregnancy, even though we have done it countless times. I wonder why?"
"I don't know, maybe we're doing something wrong, darling."
"Don't say that. There's a reason for this and I assume you know it," Funny said it with annoyed tone.
"Do you blame me?"
"There's nothing wrong in me, I even went to a doctor! The only reason for this I can think of is abortion."
"You heard me."
"I wouldn't ever do something like that behind your back, Funny!"
"Then why aren't you getting pregnant?!"
"Because I can't!" I shouted out and covered my face in my hands. I wanted to hide my tears which started pouring from my eyes. I wasn't angry at him, why would I had been? He wanted to be a father and I haven't told him about my problem. I understood his concern with his aging and I was getting older too. But it hurt me to hear what Funny had been thinking about me. That I have done an abortion behind his back.
Funny let me cry in front of him and waited me to calm down. He has always been a patient man. I had cried about one minute and my sobbing was quieting down a little. My face was soaked with tears when I removed my hands. I couldn't look at my husband's eyes when I spoke:
"I can't get pregnant... I went to check myself to a doctor two years ago. He did tests and told me the bad news. I was shocked and I didn't know how to tell you. I know how much you want to have children, I have known about it a long time, but I have ignored the hints. I lied to you two years and I feel horrible... I also want to have children, Funny. And now we can't because of me..," I sobbed again.
I thought he would shout at me for lying or walk out without a word. I waited something bad to happen. What I got was my husband's comforting arms around me. He pulled me close and gave a peck on my forehead. I cried against his chest and he stroked my head to ease my pain. He spoke with gentle voice:
"Shh... It's alright, Scarlet. I won't be mad. This is not your fault at all and I'm sorry for blaming you. You're still my perfect wife, dear."
That moment reminded me why I love my husband. He can be harsh and cold to others' eyes, but to me he has always showed affection. But that moment also reminds me why I can't be a mother. He said he won't be mad and he was sorry for blaming me which wasn't all true. I have a feeling he never got over the news. Funny doesn't talk about it, but as his wife, I can tell he still wants to be a father. He is 48-year-old now and I'm going to be 40 soon. I don't let this bother my life and my love for my husband hasn't changed over the years. I hope he would forget that evening too and say "I love you, Scarlet" like before.