Author's note: One cannot long linger at this site without noticing the flood of Sonadow fanfics. Well, I've decided to contribute to the genre in my own… special way.

ULTIMATE SONADOW

            Somehow, Shadow was alive.

            It was incredible! He'd survived the vacuum of space, the radiation exposure, the shock of impact with Earth's atmosphere, the temperatures exceeding thousands of degrees, and the impact with the Earth! How had it happened?

            He looked around him, trying to determine the source of this miracle. His eyes fell on a nearby sign.

            "FOAM RUBBER DUMP SITE"

            "Of course!" Shadow exclaimed, smacking his forehead. "Foam rubber absorbed my impact!" He got up, and the rubber oozed back into its original shape. "I still don't know how I survived the radiation and the vacuum and the heat, but the good ol' foam rubber saved me from the impact."

            Well, being alive was certainly a rush, but now he wanted to know what to DO with his life. Maria had wanted him to do something for the people of Earth. Well, he had gone and endangered the planet and everything on it, but he'd saved the Earth after that, so everything was fine. He no longer had to fulfill Maria's wish.

            After all, it wasn't like she mattered to him. His first and only friend, yeah, his companion during the terrible times aboard ARK, true, and his motivation for everything he'd done up to now, but he was SO over her.

            Hey, she wasn't his ONLY friend, after all!

            There was Sonic!

            Sonic! They'd been there for each other during that horrible ordeal with the Biolizard, saving each other and the Earth, fighting side-by-side. Yeah, they'd fought both the other times they'd ever seen each other, but surely bygones were bygones, right?

            Every great couple had its bumps in their relationships, right?

            Shadow's eyes formed into little hearts. "Sonic," he cried, "I love you!"

            And with that, he took off for the city.

            Sonic loved this particular spot. He was laying around the pool at the Marriot of Station Square. He'd set up his lounge chair behind and to the side of the diving board. This way, he could see everyone right before they dove.

            Sonic watched attentively as a pretty girl dove into the water, then scanned back towards the beginning of the board. A fat guy waddled onto the board. Sonic hastily covered his eyes, shuddering in disgust.

            "It's what you get!" said Tails from above.

            "For what?" asked Sonic playfully, sitting up to chat.

            "You lecher," Tails said, also joking. He landed and sat down besides Sonic. "You know, I've been wondering. What do you suppose happened to Shadow?"

            "Fried," said Sonic, shrugging casually. "He was a real pain in the butt, though, so I don't miss him that much. I mean, come on! We met three times, and twice we tried to beat each other senseless. That one time we fought together didn't change much. I mean, we all fought on the same side as Eggman, but I'm not gonna go forgiving him, know what I mean?"

            Tails nodded. "So, are you bored now that things have quieted down a little?"

            "No way," Sonic said. "The press doesn't like a hedgehog hero, but I know places where they like me. 'Sides, how can I be bored with this view?" he asked as a woman wearing a particularly small bikini went off the diving board.

            Tails rolled his eyes.

            Sonic was about to say something, but jerked his head to one side instead. "That sound… no way!"

            A black shape slammed through the hotel's revolving doors, through the lobby, and out onto the pool deck before resolving into the form of Shadow.

            "SHADOW?!" cried Sonic and Tails simultaneously.

            "Sonic!" Shadow cried back. "I'm so glad to see you!"

            There was unmasked joy on the black hedgehog's face, but simple confusion on the blue hedgehog's. "You're alive?"

            "Yes, can't you see me?"

            "Well, yeah," said Sonic, still trying to catch up.

            "I couldn't die yet. I knew I had to see you again!"

            Sonic frowned. "How did you find me?"

            "Your heart was like a beacon. Mine reached out and touched yours, and it guided me here."

            Sonic turned to Tails, their faces wrinkling in disgust. "You disgusted yet, Tails?"

            "I have been," Tails responded.

            Shadow wiped away a tear. "I'm so glad to see you!" he said, trotting towards Sonic, arms outstretched.

            Almost before Sonic realized it, Shadow was hugging him, and his lips were getting perilously close.

            Almost.

            Sonic managed to get a hand up and intercepted Shadow's throat. Before the kiss could arrive, Shadow's head stopped moving. Tails helped out, kicking Shadow's knees from the back and causing the black hedgehog to hit the deck.

            Sonic gave a quick jump backwards and faced Shadow with a deep scowl. "Okay, Shadow, what's the big idea?"

            Shadow blinked, apparently confused. "Sonic, I… why did you do that?"

            "That's a question I'm asking you! What's wrong with you?"

            "Nothing's wrong," Shadow said. "In fact, everything is right! I love you!"

            Tails had returned to Sonic's side. The two of them once more shared a disgusted look.

            "Shadow, ah, look, maybe you can be a friend or something, but don't EVER do that again!"

            "But… I mean, I love you! Don't you love me?"

            "NO!" Sonic shouted. "I'd have to be kind of, you know, gay? And I'm not? I don't know what's with you, but don't go hitting on me!"

            Shadow suddenly scowled. "It's Rouge, isn't it?"

            "Huh?"

            "You love Rouge, don't you?" Shadow accused.

            "Rouge and Knuckles are hangin' on Angel Island together. I haven't seen 'em. Fine by me, jewel-obsessed weirdos aren't my type."

            "Then it must be Amy Rose!" said Shadow, becoming more desperate.

            "Dude, they'd put me in jail!" Sonic replied, exasperated. "She's what, eight? Get a grip, man!"

            Shadow's menacing gaze fell on Tails.

            "Don't even think about it!" exploded Sonic.

            Tails recoiled visibly. "Eww!" was all he could say.

            "Then who is it?"

            "No one!"

            Shadow brightened. "That's great! Great!" He got up again.

            "I'm learning to hate it when you say great," said Sonic suspiciously.

            "It means I have a chance to win your heart!" Shadow said.

            "All you're winning is my undying hatred."

            Shadow fell back, a hand over his heart. "You… don't say things like that!" he cried, his eyes filling with tears.

            Sonic looked to Tails. "I think I'm gonna need an airlift in about three seconds," he whispered.

            "Here I am… pouring my heart out to you…"

            "Two…"

            "… and you just slap me down!"

            "One…"

            "I'm gonna make you love me!" Shadow said, breaking into a sprint.

            "Now!" said Sonic, leaping straight up.

            Tails had jumped at the count of 'one' to get some air. Now, using all his might, he caught Sonic's hands and headed for the skies.

            "Sonic!" Shadow yelled mournfully.

            "Hey Tails, is it just me, or was that way past weird?"

            "They're gonna have to make a new word to describe how weird that was," the kit replied.

            "Sonadow," said Sonic, immediately.

            "Huh?"

            "I don't know," said Sonic, blushing. "When you said they needed a new word for weird, the word "Sonadow" just popped into my head."

            Normally Tails would have shrugged, but he couldn't move his shoulders since he was carrying Sonic. "Oh well. Let's get out of here, Sonic."

            "Best idea I've heard today," said Sonic.

            Amy Rose smiled to herself as she walked through the grocery store. One of the good things about being close to Sonic was that she had unsurpassed access to him. So, whenever any of them needed cash, she could quickly and easily sell some of their stuff as memorabilia. She knew all the prices backwards and forwards and had several contacts for this purpose.

            Shoes were the best. Sonic's endorsements with the shoe companies made him big bucks, but she'd made a small enterprise of her own based off shoes. She bought new shoes and switched them out for his old ones. Oddly enough, any shoes worn previously by Sonic sold for way higher on the market than it cost to buy them, meaning Amy got a nice fat profit with very little effort. Since Sonic needed to replace his shoes often anyway, he found it convenient to have Amy do this for him; and between this and his endorsements, shoe money allowed them to live pretty comfortably.

            She was headed for the checkout line when she saw how many people were grabbing at the tabloids. She loved tabloids, so leaned closer to see the front page.

            "WHAAAAAAAAT?!" she shrieked.

            For on the front page was a photo of Shadow hugging Sonic.

            Sonic dug through his fridge. "Why is there nothing here to eat?"

            "Amy isn't back from grocery shopping," Tails said while tinkering with some mechanical components.

            They heard the door crash open. Sonic shook his head. "If that's Shadow, I'm gonna be pissed," he said.

            "Don't worry," said Amy as she stalked into the kitchen, hunched over menacingly with smoke pouring from her ears.

            Tails instinctively got behind his chair. Sonic turned from the fridge just as Amy launched a large melon in his direction.

            Sonic barely dodged and caught the fruit. He carefully set it on the table, but by the time he did this, Amy was in his face.

            "What the heck is going on with you and Shadow?!" she screeched. "Isn't he supposed to be dead?!"

            "I don't know either! *I* thought he was dead, too! And how do you know about this?"

            Amy reached back into her bag of groceries and yanked out a tabloid. On the front cover was Shadow hugging Sonic, and a headline blaring, "Is Our Hero Gay?"

            Sonic blinked twice. "You've gotta be kidding me," he said, clearly in denial.

            Amy petulantly opened the paper and began reading in a loud voice, growing shrill whenever she hit something she really didn't like. "World-famous hero Sonic the Hedgehog was seen today embracing a mysterious black hedgehog. The incident occurred at the Marriot of Station Square, apparently one of Sonic's favorite haunts.

            "The black hedgehog, reportedly named Shadow, was loudly declaring his love for Sonic to the shock of a pool-full of ordinary citizens. The now-notorious embrace occurred in-between bouts of heartfelt outpourings by Shadow.

            "Both parties knew the other before the incident, going by their conversation (for a complete transcript, see our website!), which does make a possible love connection more likely. Sonic, of course, vehemently denied any attachment to Shadow, which has only served to increase speculation.

            "Some of the witnesses were more impressed than others. According to one, 'I always knew Sonic had to be gay. I mean, it just makes sense, doesn't it?' For the most part the women were more doubtful. As one said, 'Gay? He can't be! He ogles me, like, every day!'

            "This has only served to spark speculation that the super-fast hedgehog is, in fact, bisexual.

            "Apparently the hedgehog is fast in other ways, too. Shadow implied that amorous connections existed between Sonic and one Rouge, on whom no data is available, and one Amy Rose, well-known friend of Sonic. This has raised the possibility that Sonic has pedophiliac tendencies, as well."

            Amy tossed the paper at Sonic. "Now, I'm not quite sure what all of that means, but I know it's very, very bad! Explain yourself!"

            Sonic shook his head. "This has gotta be a bad dream."

            "What?!" Amy hissed.

            "Shadow was hitting on me at the pool," Sonic said. "Tails an' I had to beat feet, 'cause he was being really creepy. Right, Tails?"

            "Don't worry, Amy," said Tails, still hiding behind his chair. "Sonic was totally freaked out. That's why he doesn't wanna see Shadow again."

            "Okay," said Amy, crossing her arms, "I guess I can believe you two. But what are we gonna do? I mean, all the tabloids have that picture or some version of it, and everyone's eating it up!"

            "Gross," said Sonic. "Why does whether or not I'm gay matter so much to these people?"

            "Maybe they don't have anything else to do," suggested Tails.

            "Maybe they want you for themselves, so the gender you prefer matters," posited Amy.

            "Maybe they're just stupid," Sonic harrumphed.

            Before the conversation could go any further, they heard the elevator ding. Sonic glanced over to the window. While the friends had an expansive house in the area of Tails' workshop, in Station Square they had to settle for a high-rise apartment. Sonic was realizing that having a high-rise apartment makes it difficult to make quick and discrete escapes.

            "Amy," he said, "I'm pretty sure this is Shadow. Can you try and hold him off for a while?"

            "I guess so," said Amy. Shadow had made her angry! After that big deal he made about Maria, and now he was chasing Sonic? Ooh, that steamed her up!

            "Tails," Sonic said, "this window is only big enough for one of us to jump out at a time. I want you to go out, and then I'll jump. Uh… try and catch me, okay?"

            "I'll try," Tails said, a mischievous grin on his face.

            "Okay, scratch that," Sonic said. "Catch me for certain, okay?"

            Tails just laughed and opened the window.

            "Sonic!"

            It was Shadow's new—and, Sonic decided, incredibly annoying—love-voice. The sound of his skating-running was rapidly approaching.

            "Ready, Tails?" said Sonic.

            "Hello, Sonic! I'm so happy to see you…"

            Splat!

            The melon that had missed Sonic hit Shadow right in the face.

            "Yes!" hissed Amy.

            Sonic jumped. His heart stopped for a few seconds until his paws connected with Tails'. The two grabbed hold instantly, securing the link.

            "Let's get out of here," said Sonic.

            Before Tails could get very far, Shadow burst from the window, melon flying in all directions. Sonic watched with horror as the black hedgehog approached.

            Shadow's outstretched hands snagged one of Sonic's legs.

            "Yes!" cried Shadow.

            "No!" shouted Sonic.

            "Ouch!" screamed Tails. He could barely carry one hedgehog, there was no way he could handle two! He slowly lost his control, falling to earth at way too high a speed.

            Shadow seemed to be trying to crawl up Sonic's leg. Sonic used his one free limb to viciously kick at Shadow's head, though he had to carefully avoid his target's spines. He kept kicking, but Shadow was attached like a leech.

            The three furry figures fell further and further. Tails was keeping them from going too fast, but that was all he could manage. As they approached ground level, Sonic started swinging, hoping to knock Shadow off of him. To his amazement, it worked, but the swinging had put extra strain on Tails' arms.

            The result was that the three of them hit the pavement a little time apart and a few meters away from each other.

            Shadow jumped up and dived for Sonic. Sonic rolled out of the way, leaving Shadow to eat pavement, scooped up Tails and ran for the train station.

            Shadow would have been right on Sonic's tail, but Amy had other ideas. By sheer luck, her second melon exploded on the ground right in front of Shadow. The fast-moving hedgehog slipped, slid, and smashed into an irate hot-dog vendor.

            Sonic worked his way into the crowd, trying to blend in as well as a super-speed blue hedgehog could. Mere seconds later he was on the train, and there was no sign of Shadow.

            "We made it, Tails," said Sonic.

            "This is just getting weirder," the fox responded. "How did he find us?"

            "Well, I am the only 'Hedgehog' in the phone book," Sonic said.

            "I don't mean our apartment," Tails said, looking out the window. "I mean now."

            Sonic didn't dare look. "You've got to be kidding me."

            Tails only shook his head as his tails whipped about nervously.

            Curiosity outweighed fear. Sonic turned and did, indeed, see the black hedgehog running parallel to the train. In fact, he was parallel to the exact car Sonic was in. Shadow turned his head and flashed Sonic a loving smile.

            Sonic shuddered and turned away. "Don't worry," said Sonic, his shakiness leaking out through his voice. "This isn't a cartoon. He can't keep up that speed for long, that's why we take the train."

            True to his words, Shadow began falling behind the train.

            "Yeah," said Tails, "but will we get very much ground before the stop at my workshop?"

            "I don't know, Tails. Our only hope is to get to the Tornado and launch before he catches back up. How long would it take to scramble the Tornado?"

            Tails scratched his head. "With your help, about ten minutes, I think. We won't have maximum range or speed, but it'll beat the alternative."

            "You can say that again. And you've got my help. Anything to get away from this freak."

            Tails smiled maliciously. "Come on, having Shadow chase after you, doesn't that make you feel good? Don't you feel… just…"

            "Gay?" Sonic blurted. "No, still not gay. Why doesn't he just leave me alone? Friends, I might could have dealt with. But this is just sickening! I've never even thought how that would work!"

            Tails suddenly became thoughtful. "How would that work?"

            "Don't even start, Tails."

            "As soon as the train stops, we are beating feet for the Tornado, got it, Tails?"

            "You got it, Sonic."

            The train doors slid open and two blurs—one blue, one tawny—burst from the car. They both raced up the hill and into the workshop at maximum speed. They immediately began preparing the plane for launch.

            Sadly, the train hadn't been going fast enough. With three minutes still to go, Sonic spotted a black spot coming down the train tracks.

            "Tails, we're outta time!"

            "Sonic, we can't launch now. I have to have those three minutes!"

            Maybe he's still far away, Sonic thought. But Shadow was getting larger in his view. No, he was coming, and he'd be here soon.

            Two minutes to launch. Even so, Sonic knew they would not make it. The black hedgehog would arrive before they could evacuate in the Tornado.

            Maybe…

            "Tails, I'm gonna get to the cliff. I might be able to take care of this. If I can't you'll know where to fly once you get this rust bucket in the air."

            "Hey! Where do you see rust here?" Tails shouted indignantly. But Sonic was already gone. "My baby has no rust," he whimpered to himself, softly stroking the Tornado.

            Sonic was standing right near the edge of the cliff. Shadow homed in on him unerringly. "How do you DO that?" Sonic shouted.

            "I will always find you," Shadow said. "True love cannot be denied."

            "Dude, you are messed up! I know there's someone, somewhere, who's into that, but I'm not! You're really starting to just piss me off!"

            Shadow looked like a kicked puppy. "I… you… but we… you're mean, Sonic, even though I love you!"

            "I don't want to hear about it!"

            "Sonic!" Shadow cried, again rushing towards Sonic with arms outstretched.

            Just like last time, Sonic thought. Here's my chance.

            He made no move until Shadow was all but on top of him. Then his arms whipped out and snagged Shadow's shoulders. The black hedgehog's face lit up with ecstasy, then twisted in confusion as Sonic moved.

            Sonic fell down and backwards, almost like a reverse Sonic spin. He planted his rump on the ground and rolled back along his spine. At the same time, he planted his right leg between the hedgehogs. As he reached his shoulder blades, he extended his leg with all his might.

            Sonic launched Shadow into the air off the edge of the cliff.

            "Soniiiiiiiiiic…….." Shadow screamed as he fell.

            Sonic lay down on his back, relaxing, relishing the way the scream got quieter before fading completely. Then he jogged back to Tails to tell him that the Tornado didn't need to be launched after all.

            The two relaxed, glad that the terror was over. Sonic called Amy and congratulated her on her melon-throwing skills. Much to his relief, she told him that coverage of the pool incident was winding down.

            "You see, I asked them to enlarge your face on the photo," she said, giggling. "You should see how you look! Your face is just all messed up, you look so disgusting!"

            "That's 'cause I was so disgusted," Sonic said mirthlessly.

            "Yeah, I know."

            "Hey, Amy?"

            "Yes, Sonic?"

            "How did the tabloids get the picture, publish it, and get over it all in one day?"

            She thought about it for a few seconds. "The internet, I suppose," she said at last.

            "What is that supposed to mean?"

            "When word first got out, it caused a big stir because it was so radical and new. The tabloids reacted instantly because they had to make a big deal about it while it was fresh, and because the news was spreading so fast. So they printed out extra issues and published as much about it as they could."

            "So what happened to make them stop?"

            She giggled. "Everyone realized you've already got enough female options, that you and Shadow had no reason to love each other, that he should have been dead anyway, and that the whole thing was just totally out of character as far as you're concerned. And if anyone knows about Maria, they know that Shadow loved someone else, too."

            "So they're saying it was all a hoax now?"

            "Something like that. More like a bad joke."

            Sonic shook his head. "Sonadow. Ick."

            "What?"

            "I'll tell you some other time, Amy. Thanks for everything."

            "No problem," she said.

            At the bottom of the cliff, a black figure struggled to grip the rocks. His body was broken and smeared with blood, but it looked like he would live, easily.

            It was a good thing those rocks had been there. They'd broken his fall.

            Shadow pulled himself a little further up on the rocks. "Heh heh," he cackled. "I still love you, Sonic. I know you just slipped. Don't worry, I'll spend a few weeks on these rocks and I'll be back. I'll get you to love me!"

            He smiled, and his eyes became like hearts.


Author's notes: Clearly, of course, this is satire. Like my previous satire fic, "Shadow, Falling", this attacks a ludicrous proposition popular amongst the fanfic writers here at fanfiction.net. Namely, Sonadow. I'm still struggling to understand what people find so appealing about Sonadow. Is it just because of a desire to do love stories and a lack of female characters? Please, even I would be more willing to invent characters than resort to something as preposterous as Sonadow.

As with "Shadow, Falling", I will gladly accept any agreements or disagreements both with my story and with my premise. Oh, and there will be no chapter 2, just in case that wasn't clear.