TITLE: One heart beat for every lost day.

AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith

E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com


DISCLAIMER: Don't owe a thing, as usual.

SPOILER: Up to and including season four.

AUTHORS NOTE I: Well all my friends and faithful readers; this is the end.I have to admit it feels a bit sad, but I want to thank you all that have read and reviewed this for your support! Without you there had been no story! : ) So THANK YOU! Hope to see you all in another story soon ; ) Thanks also to Carina, Jenny and wine-into-water my faithful and patience beta-readers. I owe you big time!

Well here we go.


Three weeks later:

Anna put the sandwiches and milk bottles in Samuel and Adams lunchboxes, added an apple and closed them. She lifted her head and looked out through the kitchen window. The morning sun was shining brightly and it looked like it would be a wonderful day. She sighed. For once she didn't like the sun. A gray, rainy day would be more appropriate, considering the mood she was in and the bad turn her life had taken. She was very worried about Bosco, because she wasn't sure he was going to make it. Actually, if she was honest with herself, she was sure he wouldn't.

He had woken up briefly forty-eight hours after the operation, but the doctors wanted to keep him sedated a little bit longer in order to give his body a chance to heal. Four days later they allowed him to wake up and extubated him. His lungs were working fine, but that was pretty much the only thing in his body that worked fine. His wounds didn't heal the way they were supposed to and kept getting infected all the time. He couldn't keep any food down, so they had to give him all nutrients in intravenous drips. His only kidney didn't work properly either and he needed dialysis almost every day. It was hard on him, and he was always totally exhausted afterwards. He was extremely weak and could hardly stand straight even when they held him. At first she actually thought he was going to make it, because his first words when he woke up were:

"Faith OK?" said with his usual annoyed tone of voice.

He was extremely pissed with everyone and everything. She was sure he was going to have a heart attack when he discovered his colostomy. Not to mention that he threw a glass of water at the poor doctor when he told him it would most likely be permanent, but the past week his will to put up a fight had subsided dramatically, and Anna knew his physical condition was failing as well. He was about to lose the battle and there was nothing she could do about it. She was pretty sure he was aware of it too, but Faith wasn't. She didn't want to see it, and Anna knew she had to have a talk with her real soon. She didn't look forward to it at all. She sighed again and rubbed her face tiredly.

"Mom?" Anna turned around and saw Adam standing in the doorway.

"Yes?" she answered and gave him a weary smile.

"Can I ask you something?"


"Is Bosco ever gonna get any better?"

Anna took a deep breath and tried to come up with an answer. She decided to stick to the truth. She had always tried to be honest with them, because she knew kids weren't stupid. They usually knew when you lied to them, and Anna had always thought that they dealt better with bad things if you were honest with them. So she just said:

"No, I don't think so."

"Do you really think he'll die?" Samuel said from behind his brother.

Adam looked at her with big eyes and the pain she saw in them made her want to cry. Adam's reaction to all this pain was anger; because that was something he had learned from Bosco. If something hurt so much you don't know what to do, you can always get angry. So he looked angrily at Anna and said:

"Why do you talk like that? Do you want him to die?" Anna swallowed hard and tried to make her voice steady.

"No, of course not. Why would I want that? I love him, but Adam some things you can't control, you know." Adam heard Bosco's voice in his head.

"Things I can't control can happen at work."

Bosco got shot the day he told him that, and Adam learned that one of the few things in life that Bosco couldn't control were gunmen. Now he knew another one, death. He looked at his mother and saw that he had hurt her. He immediately calmed down. No matter how much he took after Bosco, when it came to it he was his mother's son and he couldn't stay angry for that long.

"I'm sorry," he said regretfully. Anna walked up to him and embraced him.

"I know. It's OK."

"Can we see him today?" Samuel asked quietly.

"Of course! He'd be angry with me if I didn't bring you there. I pick you up after school and we'll go and see him, OK?" They both nodded and Anna handed them their lunches and said:

"Here. We gotta go or we gonna be late," and with that they all left.


Bosco shifted with great difficulty in his bed. He was feeling like crap, and for some reason the bed felt very uncomfortable today. The nauseous- ness was worse too. He guessed it was because he was running a fever again. Not that he ever felt all that great nowadays. Ever since he woke up almost three weeks ago he had been feeling like crap everyday. Some days were better, some were worse, but one thing was for sure. He always felt like crap.

It didn't surprise him though. How were you supposed to feel any other way when they had removed half the stuff inside you and put the other half, that was supposed to be in there, on the outside? He hated how weak he was, and he hated that he wasn't in control of anything anymore, not even his own body. He couldn't even decide when to pee or shit. It just happened and the nurses collected it in bags. It was disgusting and he hated it.

Yeah well, at least he had hated it before, but the past week he had felt more calm and patient, in peace actually. He knew it probably wasn't a good thing. In order to get better you have to fight, and he didn't feel like fighting anymore. He wondered if he felt like this because life was leaving him. He was pretty sure it was, and it didn't surprise him. What did surprise him was that it didn't upset him. It wasn't like he didn't care, but he had a feeling he had no other choice than to accept.

He wondered if Anna knew he was dying. He had a feeling she did. He had searched her eyes the last couple of days for signs that she knew, but he hadn't found anything. That didn't mean she didn't know though. After all, she was a nurse and they were supposed to be able to keep those things to themselves. He sighed and shifted once more and when he did, he suddenly felt extremely nauseous and he knew he was going to be sick.

Faith had been watching him the whole time, and when she saw the look of discomfort on his face she immediately got worried. She leaned closer and asked:

"Bos what's wrong? You're in pain?" Bosco opened his eyes and said weakly.

"Please Faith help me. I'm gonna be sick."

Faith immediately grabbed a vomit bag, raised the head of the bed and put her arm around his back for support as he threw up. When he was done Bosco leaned back and closed his eyes again. Faith took a washcloth, wiped away the cold sweat on his forehead with a gentle hand and said:

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice so weak it was almost inaudible.

Bosco kept his eyes closed and continued to think. The only thing that really sucked with this dying business was the fact that you had to hurt people you loved by leaving them behind. He wasn't all that worried about his mother. She had Mikey, and she would find a way to get over him. He knew that. Despite the fact that he loved Anna and probably was going to miss her like hell, even in heaven-where he hopefully would end up- he wasn't all that worried about her either. She was a survivor. He knew she could live without him if she had to, and she had Steven. Bosco knew he would look after her for him.

Faith, on the other hand, was a whole different story. He wasn't so sure she would be doing all that great without him, because Fred wasn't a very supportive person when it came to Faith. Neither was she as strong as Anna, and she had to learn to trust a new partner at work, and trust wasn't anything that came easy to Faith. Bosco knew that from experience. Not to mention the fact that she kept blaming herself for his situation. She really thought it was her fault.

He sighed and shifted again. He was really feeling crappy today. It was impossibly for him to get comfortable. He knew he probably was running out of time, so he decided to talk to Faith about the subject they had avoided the last couple of days because it upset her so.


"Yeah Bos."

"You know this isn't your fault right?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"You're lying," Bosco said accusingly. Faith took a deep breath and tried to suppress her tears.

"But you took the bullets for me, you can't deny that, can you? If I had been shot instead, you had been fine now."

"We don't know that, and besides, then you had been shot instead and that hadn't solved anything. Please Faith, stop blaming yourself, please!"

"It's easier said than done," Faith said, her voice still very quiet.

"Please do it for me. Please Faith. Don't make me feel like I did the wrong thing, that I'm feeling this crappy for nothing," he said pleadingly in a very weak voice. He was starting to feel completely exhausted. Faith took his hand and gently run her hand through his damp hair.

"Ok Bos. I'll stop blaming myself for you, if that makes you happy," she said and smiled.

"Good!" he said and closed his eyes as he murmured: "I'm so tired."

"It's OK. You just rest, you need it," Faith said softly.

She watched him fall asleep and sighed. She was very worried about him, because she didn't recognize him anymore. He was too quiet and reasonable. He hadn't put up a fight in days. It was like he didn't care anymore. Like he'd given up, but that wasn't possible. He wasn't a quitter, right? She tried to suppress the feeling of up-coming disaster that was rising inside her. She tried to ignore the fact that he really looked bad today. It was just because of the fever he was running. He had probably had this infection coming the whole week, and that was why he had been so quiet. That had to be the explanation. Now, when they knew, they would treat it and he would be OK. There was no reason to worry. She knew that. At least she tried to convince herself that that was what she knew. She lifted her gaze from Bosco's still form and spotted Anna at the nurse's desk. She felt almost relieved that she was there. It had been a very long night, because Bosco hadn't slept well, probably because of the fever he woke up with, and she felt exhausted. She stood up, kissed Bosco's forehead and whispered:

"Bye Bos. See you later."


About the same time outside the room:

"Hi Sally," Anna said with a smile and walked up to the nurse's desk. "How's Bosco today?"

The nurse at the desk looked up, and the look on her face made Anna's smile disappear immediately.

"Sally what's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

"I'll page Stefano for you," Sally said and completed the task, making sure to avoid eye contact with Anna.

"Come on Sally. Tell me what's going on," Anna said quietly. Sally looked at her and her eyes were filled with pity.

"He's running a fever and.." her voice trailed off.

"And what?" Anna said impatiently. Sally sighed and said unhappily.

"Please Anna, just let Stefano explain it all to you. You know this isn't my call." Anna leaned against the desk and sighed heavily.

"That bad, huh?"

"I'm so sorry Anna," Sally said quietly.

After a few moments they both heard footsteps approaching and soon enough Stefano stood in front of them. He looked kindly at Anna, his eyes filled with the same pity that she saw in Sally's eyes just moments ago. Anna took a deep breath and tried to stay strong.

"Stefano, what's going on?"

"He's running a fever again, and I have to tell you it doesn't look good."

"Where's the infection located this time?"

"According to his oxygen level it's in this lungs, but I think we have more than one source. You know how badly his wounds heal."

"Yeah, I know," Anna said tiredly.

Stefano shifted nervously. He hated doing things like this, and talking to Anna was one of the hardest things he had ever done. She was his friend, and she knew way too much to begin with.

"I want you to know that his vitals are failing and his blood test shows a change for the worse too. The dialyses aren't effective enough and." Anna cut him off and said in a strained voice:

"Are you telling me he's dying?" Stefano sighed.

"Yeah, I guess I am. You know me Anna. I hate to lose and you can count on me to do everything I can, for as long as I can, in order to keep him alive, but I'm afraid we're all losing this battle."

"How much longer?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

"OK," Anna said quietly and tried to suppress the urge to scream and cry. Stefano placed a hand on her shoulder and said:

"I'm so sorry Anna." She shook him off.

"Don't. Please Stefano don't, just live me alone!" she said shakily. He nodded his understanding and left.

A feeling of unreality came over Anna. She had thought that she was prepared for this, but she wasn't. When it comes to it she wasn't prepared at all. She wanted to scream and cry, but she knew there was no use. All she could do now was to pray to God for a miracle, but she had a distinct feeling she wasn't going to have one this time. She watched somberly how Faith helped Bosco as he threw up and she felt like crying. She almost wished the damn bullets had taken his life right away. It wasn't fair that he had do endure that kind of pain and discomfort just to live three more weeks. Suddenly, although she hadn't heard her coming, Faith stood in front of her. She smiled and said:

"I'm glad you're here. It's been a hard night. He's running a fever again and he's very restless. I didn't get much sleep, and I'm beat."

Anna quickly wiped away a few tears and took a deep breath in order to pull herself together. She lifted her head, looked at Faith and said quietly:

"I know. They told me." Faith saw the tears and got scared.

"Anna?" she said anxiously.

"Faith," Anna said wearily, her voice strained. "We need to talk. I talked to the doctor just moments ago and he told me that Bos is worse. He told me he's."

"No. NO," Faith cut he off, her eyes so big and desperate that Anna felt like they consumed her. "No, you're not gonna stand here and tell me he's dying. Do you hear me? You're not!" Anna swallowed hard.

"Faith please, listen to me." Faith shook her head and started to back away from her.

"No Anna. I don't wanna hear it. I can't believe you're saying this. I thought you loved him!" she said accusingly.

"I do."

"Then why don't you believe in him? If you love him, why are you standing here telling me you've given up on him?" The enormous pain and anguish in Faith's eyes, together with her accusation, made Anna lose the little self- control she had left.

"Faith please," she said shakily and tears started to run down her cheeks, but Faith just put her hands up in the air and continued to back away from her as she said:

"No Anna, no. I'm not gonna listen to this. I'm not!" and then she turned and left. Anna leaned against the wall and closed her eyes tightly. Please God, she begged. I know I can't keep him, but please give me strength to make it through this.


Anna quietly entered Bosco's hospital room. When Faith had left, she had gone to the bathroom and tried to pull herself together before she faced Bosco. She had managed to do so, at least partly. She went and sat down on the chair beside his bed and gently run her hand through his hair. Her touch made Bosco wake up. He opened his eyes and when he saw who sat beside him, he smiled and said:

"Hi Angel Eye."

Anna looked at him and knew she was going to lose him, very soon, because in his eyes she saw nothing but peace. There had been no peace in Maurice Boscorelli's eyes in almost twenty years. No matter how much she loved him. No matter how happy they were together, the haunted look always remained there, but now it was gone. It was replaced by peace, the kind of peace that Anna had only seen in the eyes of people who were dying. The one's who were aware of it, and had accepted their fate. She looked at him and it felt like her heart was shattering into pieces. She loved him so much it almost hurt and the thought of losing him made her want to scream, but she just continued to caress his hair and said:

"How are you feeling?"

Bosco met Anna's beautiful eyes and suddenly he saw something there that he had been looking for the entire past week. A confirmation that she knew what he knew. They were running out of time. He was happy to see it in there, because it made everything so much easier. He wasn't surprised though. She had never let him down before. This was his Anna, faithful to the bitter end. OK, he thought, let's get it over with. He shifted a bit and said:

"Like shit, but that's OK. It's gonna change soon anyway."

Anna swallowed hard and closed her eyes tightly. When she opened them again they were filled with tears.

"Please Bos, don't talk like that," she said softly. Bosco put his hand on her cheek and said gently:

"Don't cry Angel eye. It's gonna be OK, and you know it. I'm gonna be fine.

Anna's chest started to hurt by his words. Him calling her Angel eye all the time only confirmed what she already knew. His time was almost up.

"Yeah I know, but what about me? I breathe only to be with you, remember?" she whispered and fought hard to hold back her tears. Bosco smiled lovingly at her and said firmly:

"No you don't. You can live without me, and we both know that."

"I can, but I don't want to."

"I'm sorry Angel eye, but you have to."

"Please Bosco, I don't want to. It isn't fair. I came back to you," Anna said almost inaudible and she could no longer stop her tears from falling.

"Life isn't fair Anna. I thought you know that by now," Bosco said sadly.

She didn't answer, just sobbed quietly. Bosco felt sorry for her. He wished he could share some of his peace with her. He caressed her hair and said gently:

"Come on Anna. Bosco's girls don't cry, remember?" Anna made a face, but wiped away her tears with the back of her hands and said:

"Yeah, right." Bosco looked seriously at her and said:

"Anna can you do something for me?"


"Take care of Faith for me, will you? She's not used to being alone." She smiled faintly.

"Sure, no problem."

"Look Anna. I'm sorry for everything that ever went wrong between us, but no matter what, I want you to know that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. You and the boys saved my life. I love you."

He closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths. He felt like crap, and it was hard to breathe. Anna kissed him gently and said firmly:

"And I love you. Always have and always will." He opened his eyes and grinned weakly at her.

"You really have a bad judgment when it comes to me, haven't you?" She grinned back:

"You bet!" Suddenly Sally appeared in the doorway and said:

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's time for your dialysis Bosco." Anna bent down, kissed his lips and then stood up and said:

"See you later Bos."

"Yeah later."

For some reason Anna knew this was it. When she came back from the cafeteria and heard the call for a code blue on the dialysis unit, she just knew it was Bosco. She didn't say a word when they told her. She didn't respond in any way, just looked at them with empty eyes like she had lost her mind. She didn't show any emotions at all until Steven arrived, took her in his arms and said the words she hated so much.

"It's gonna be OK Anna. Everything is gonna be just fine." She pulled away from him and shouted furiously:

"Don't you dare tell me it's gonna be OK. Nothing will ever be OK anymore. He's dead Steven! He's dead! Bosco is dead and he's not coming back. So don't tell me it's gonna be OK. Maybe it's gonna get better. Maybe the pain is gonna subside as time goes by, but nothing is ever gonna be OK anymore, because Bosco isn't around. He's dead!" and with that she finally broke down and cried.

Steven pulled her back in his embrace and held her as she cried. He knew she was right. Nothing was ever going to be the same anymore, because Bosco was dead, and with him a piece of Anna's soul.


Three months later:

Anna finished making the bed and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. Her gaze fell at Bosco's razor and she swallowed hard as the pain inside her came back with full force. She still missed him so much that it was almost unbearable. The pain she felt inside was so strong it sometimes felt like it was physical, like she could die from it. She didn't though. She woke up every morning to a new day of unbearable pain. It never ended and it still hadn't subsided even the slightest bit.

It was the small innocent things like his razor, clothes or other belongings that created the worst pain, but she still hadn't gathered enough strength to throw them out. She knew she had to sooner or later, but right now she couldn't bring herself to do it. It felt like she would throw out the memories of him as well if she did. She hated this pain. It made her want to punch something or someone although she wasn't usually a violent person, but she felt a need for someone else to suffer like she did.

It made no sense whatsoever, because she knew a lot of people already did, the boys to begin with. They missed him so much. The pain she saw in their eyes every day was heartbreaking, and it made her own pain ten times worse. She wished she could do something to help them, but she knew there wasn't anything she could do, except for hanging around if they needed her. They had to deal with this their own way. She knew they wanted to make the pain go away by hitting things too. She knew it because the school had called and told her that they were more violent nowadays. She had accepted the counseling they offered and prayed it would help, because she didn't know any other way to deal with it.

Charlie had dropped by the other day with Faith. He had wrestled with them and took them to the park to do "guy stuff," just as Bosco used to, and surprisingly it had made them calmer for a little while. Before Charlie left he had looked seriously at her and said:

"They really miss him Anna. I think they need someone to be a bit ruff with them, if you know what I mean."

"I know, but neither I nor Steven is any good at that kind of stuff," she had answered tiredly.

He had looked down at the ground and hesitated for a moment before he said:

"I know, but I can help you out if you want to. I can come here every now and then and hang out with the them, but only if you want me to of course." He had smiled unsurely at her.

"I'd really appreciate if you did that," she had answered gratefully.

She was sure that was a good solution for all of them, even for Charlie. He needed to feel useful, because he missed Bosco a lot too, and Faith was in no condition to help him with his grief. Faith. Anna closed her eyes and sighed when she thought about Faith.

No matter how unbearable Anna thought her own pain was. No matter how much she thought she missed him. It was nothing compared to Faith. Anna couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of pain she was in, but one thing she knew for sure. It was slowly killing her. Faith was totally lifeless, and she showed no emotions whatsoever, except for the enormous pain in her eyes. She barely ate or slept anymore. She just grieved. Anna sighed again and rubbed her face tiredly. She knew she had promised Bosco to look after Faith for him, but she really didn't know how to make this better, and she missed him too much herself to be able to come up with a solution. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Speaking of the devil, Anna thought tiredly. She knew it was Faith. She always came over around this time if Anna wasn't at work. She opened the door and smiled wearily at Faith:


"Hi," Faith answered, her voice expressionless.

Anna opened the door wider for her to come in, and then she went into the kitchen and put on some coffee. Faith followed her and sat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table. Anna sat down opposite her and sighed. Faith really looked terrible. Anna had no idea how much weight she had lost since Bosco died, but she could tell it was a lot. She was very thin, and that made her big blue eyes totally dominate her face. She was awfully pale and really looked lifeless. Anna reached out and put her hand on the top of Faith's. It was cold as ice.

"How are you holding up?" she asked softly.

"I'm not," Faith said simply. "You?"


Anna stood up and poured coffee in two mugs and put them on the table. She watched how Faith put her hands around the cup to try to warm herself, and said worriedly:

"Did you get any sleep?" Faith shrugged.

"A couple of hours."

"Did you eat anything today?"

"No." Anna sighed again.

"Faith you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to eat. You're gonna kill yourself if you keep this up."

"It doesn't sound all that bad, you know. If I die I can see him again and then I don't have to feel all this pain anymore," she said calmly.

"Please Faith, don't talk like that. You're scaring me, "Anna said with anguish in her voice.

"But I can't take this anymore. It hurts too much. I want him back Anna. I want him back!" Faith said desperately and looked pleadingly at Anna. Anna squeezed her hand gently and said:

"I know Faith. I know, but that's not gonna happen, and you know that. We have to move on Faith. We have to."

"Why did he have to die Anna? Why?"

"I don't know," Anna said tiredly, " but what I do know, is that he has peace now and that wasn't something he had when he was alive. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe God wanted him to have peace."

"God, always God," Faith murmured angrily.

"I'm sorry, but that's what I believe in," Anna said quietly.

"I'm sorry," Faith said regretfully. "I didn't mean to act like a jerk, but I don't buy it. He was happy with you."

"Maybe, but the haunted look was still there, every day. No matter how much you and I loved him, and you know it as well as I do." They looked at each other for a while and then Faith whispered:

"I know I have to move on, but I don't know how. All I feel every waken moment is pain. God Anna, I miss him so much I can't breathe!"

"I know," Anna said gently.

Faith looked at her with anguish and despair in her eyes, and then put her head in her hands and whispered:

"Help me Anna, please help me. I don't know what to do."

Anna stood up and went over to Faith. She knelt down in front of her, pulled her into a hug and whispered soothingly:

"I will. We'll get through this together. We'll find a way, I promise."

She felt Faith shake as she started to cry. She was glad she finally did, because she really needed it. Anna didn't cry though. She was done crying over him, and besides, Bosco's girls didn't cry anyway. She knew she could live without him. She had done it before. She could do it again. She wasn't so sure about Faith though. It was like Bosco had said. She wasn't used to being alone and he had never left her before. Anna knew that the only thing they could do right now was to try to keep him and each other alive, by sharing their memories of him. The pain would go away eventually. So she just sat there on the kitchen floor, and held Faith as she cried.

Anna closed her eyes and allowed herself to see the image of Bosco, smiling his boyish smile at her, and her heart beat one beat for every lost day....

AUTHORS NOT II: Yeah I know, this with killing them off is starting to get a bad habit.I'll promise not to do it again, at least not anytime soon ; ) I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but the thing is that right from the start this was the ending I had in mind. When the story went on I started to like Anna and I really tried to come up with another ending but I couldn't get it to work because people like Bosco and Anna doesn't live happily ever after.So once again I'm sorry for doing this, but thanks for following me all the way to the bitter end. You all are as faithful as Anna. ; )