Disclaimer: Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I only own my OC Mary-Elisabeth "Emmy" Winchester
Everyone leaves me.
At some point in time.
Everyone leaves …
Mom was the first – she left before I knew what a mother was. It wasn't her fault, she didn't choose her destiny, but she did chose mine. She made a deal with a demon, a decision that affected our family in more ways than one. After Azazel told me the truth, I couldn't stop thinking of every possible 'what if'. I came to the conclusion that she shouldn't have done it, she should've just given the demon what he wanted. She should've let him take me and the Winchesters would've had a perfect life. I was still a baby, too young to get attached to my brothers and parents, and they could've easily replaced me with another baby. But instead of doing that, my mother let her own emotions get in the way and did something that would forever change our lives. A cause that produced more than one effect, just like falling domino's. She should've known.
Sam was the second one – he left to chase his own dreams. Even though I was too young and oblivious to realize that the family business was getting in the way of his wishes, I still fully supported him. A happy brother made me happy too. But soon I realized that our family had no part in his future. He never told me that with actual words, I just always knew. I know he loves me, he says he'd die for us, but truth is it wouldn't surprise me if he leaves the first chance he gets. It's okay, I've come to live with the fact that he isn't the kind of person that stayed, not until he got what he wanted. Only problem is that Sam wants something he can never get … happiness.
Third person to leave me was the man I believed was my father, turns out he only pretended to be one for my sake. Dad was the kind of person that left more than stayed, but no matter what he always came back, always. He was everything I am not, like polar opposites, but he still shaped me into the girl I am today, for that I'll always be grateful. And despite our differences, we still had much in common – we lived for our family, we carried too much secrets around in our heads, and we were too scared to let go. I don't care about any piece of paper or test, that man is and would always be my one and only father. I may have learned to live without him, but just because he was out of my sight doesn't mean he was out of my mind and heart. I'll always miss you, Daddy.
They say people come and go, that's what life's about. For a long time I always shook my head at how wrong they were. People do appear and disappear from your life, but some of them stuck by your side. That person to me was my big brother Dean. Out of all people, he had every reason to leave. The day our mother's life ended, so did his. He suddenly couldn't be the child he still was, he had to grow up to be a man – a soldier to our Dad, a protector to our brother, and a father to me. He buckled under the stress and responsibilities, but his head was always held high. If he ever decides to go and live his own life, I would never resent him for it, he deserved it. Yet for some reason he always stayed like a big, heavy rock in the midst of a tornado. But I soon found out that the rock wasn't as solid as I thought it was, the tornado has managed to dislodge it.
They were right, people do come and go, even the ones I thought would stay. Stupid me. I would've forgiven him if he had told me he'd leave in hopes of a better life. But Dean was never that selfish, he always put others first. And I hated him for that. Why did our happiness always come with a price? What have we ever done to deserve this? Sometimes I blame my mother for this, she started all of this but was lucky enough to not experience the consequences. But as soon as I think of it I start feeling guilty.
I can deal with my mom not ever coming back. I learned to live with my Dad out of the picture. I'm starting to get used to Sam coming and going. But I don't think I can deal with Dean not being in my life. It's just isn't right. Living without Dean was like living with no air, there's no way you could survive. If he isn't going to stay, than who will? I hated that I was still too young, too sheltered, too dependent on others – I had nowhere to go.
What's even worse is that he only had a year. 365 days, 8760 hours, 525 thousand minutes, 31 million seconds, … but the numbers meant nothing cause in the end it was still a year.
Sometimes I would force myself to sleep, just so I could wake up and realize it was all a horrible dream. I didn't want to face the nightmare that was reality. But it never worked, I was trapped, there was no way out. My only escape is when I close my eyes, like right now, and put my head against the window of the Impala where I could feel the familiar rumble of the radio and the cold touch of the leather against my skin. And I would pretend, pretend that this was just one of those many car rides with Dean behind the wheel, Sam snoring away in the passenger seat. Nobody's dying, nobody has come back to life, nobody has sold his soul to the devil. But it was all pretense, silly make-believe.
My body lurched forward lightly when the car came to a stop. I heard the sound of keys jiggling followed by the sudden absence of the music and rumble. There was a deafening silence, it was unnerving. I could practically heard them both think, they were too damn loud.
"I'll go get us a room," Sam offered abruptly. I've never seen him get out of the car so fast, the tension was probably suffocating him, too.
Would it be weird if I said I could hear Dean's watch ticking with every passing second? I started counting them, calculating the remaining seconds he had before … you know.
I felt a comforting hand on my knee and I shrugged it off in less than a second.
"Emmy, I – I," he started but his words seemed stuck in his throat.
He sighed, a little puff of air filled with hurt. Good. Let him feel what I feel.
"I'm really sorry, sweetheart. You'll understand why I did it, one day you will."
He was wrong – I already understood why he did it, but I hate how he thought it meant I'd forgive him. You can't hurt someone and then expect the wound to heal if you kept touching it. I swear, I'm almost eleven but they still act like I'm three. I'm not that girl anymore, I don't forgive and forget so easily. I've learned my lesson, I've learned from my mistakes. I've changed, maybe they should too.
A knock on my window made me blink my eyes open, relieved to see that Sam was already back. I got out of the car without a word, finding it ironic how the screeching sound of the car door resembled the sound of my heart crying. A raindrop fell on top of my nose, and I just knew I wasn't the only one who was sad.
I extended my hand to Sam, silently asking for the keys to our room. He hesitated for a second before handing them to me but he didn't let go of my hand. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, knowing what he wanted. Swallowing back the lump in my throat I looked up at him with an I'm fine-look. Who was I trying to fool, Sam was the master of reading people like an open book. You know what, I don't even care. I'm not even going to hide it, yes I was devastated, yes I was hurt! I just hope he couldn't see the little flash of anger I felt towards him. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't his fault Dean was dying, but I needed a culprit, something to project my anger on. And no matter how hard I tried to hide it, I think he saw it because he suddenly let my hand go.
I could feel his puppy dog eyes on my back when I turned away. I felt so bad, I wish I could turn around and grab him and tell him I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't mad at him, I was just mad at the world, and the fact that our family was cursed. But I guess I was too weak to face him.
After I found our room, I didn't waste a second and instantly searched for a spare blanket and pillow. Luckily there was a couch and I quickly started with my make shift bed. I heard my brothers shuffle around the room, neither of them knew what to do or say. I grabbed my bag with some clean clothes and moved to the bathroom. I locked the door knowing full well I wasn't allowed to. I avoided the mirror, not wanting to see my own reflection.
I took off my hoodie, loving how my Dad's smell still lingered on the garment. Next I studied the healing scars on my arms where Yellow Eyes had cut me up. I still couldn't believe he was gone, but despite what we thought things didn't get any better. I pinched my eyes closed in an attempt to keep the tears at bay as I tried not to think of what was waiting for us.
I got into the shower and cleaned myself up, wishing I could wash away all the bad in this world. I don't know how long I had been in there, probably using up all the hot water. Eventually I decided to get out. I got dressed, put my wet hair in a messy bun and emerged from the bathroom. The smell of pizza hit my nostrils but I wasn't hungry so I straight up crawled into my bed slash couch. I lay down with my back facing them, trying to block their presence.
It was so funny how my brothers thought that just because I couldn't see them I couldn't tell what they were doing. I knew them better than that, and I knew that Sam was now giving Dean looks, telling him to do something. But Dean being the stubborn Winchester he was had no idea how to act. Now Sam was rolling his eyes followed by a death glare from Dean. What a bunch of marshmallows.
"No I'm not hungry, I'm just tired, yes I'm fine, no I don't wanna talk about it," I eventually said to put them out of their miseries.
"Honey – "
"Emmy, baby – "
"Goodnight," I cut them both off as I wrapped the blanket over my head. Couldn't they just leave me alone?
The light in the room dimmed and I was glad for the sound coming from the television, I don't think any of us could handle the silence. I felt the weight of another blanket around me and I hoped whoever did it didn't catch my shoulders shaking lightly or the sniffles. I could feel Dean hovering around me, I knew it was him – he always gave off a certain warmth, it's in the way the air shifted around him. It's hard to explain.
I thought he'd never leave until he placed his hand on top of my head, he leaned down to kiss my temple before whispering, "I love you."
You promised! I wanted to yell. You promised you wouldn't go anywhere without me and you lied! How could you? You can't keep saying sorry after every mistake you make and then tell me you love me as if that would fix everything. If you really love someone, even if there was a million reasons to leave, you'd still look for the one reason to stay. For years I thought I was that one reason, but now I found out how wrong I was. I couldn't make my Mom stay, I couldn't make my Dad stay, I couldn't make Sam stay.
And now I couldn't make Dean stay either.
A/N: Well hello, you beautiful people! Welcome back to Emmy's journey in this third installment. I'm so happy you decided to join me and I really hope I won't disappoint. As you can see this was just a prologue, next chapter will be canon. If you guys have any suggestions or ideas for BR(OK)EN, please don't refrain from sending me a review or pm, I'm all ears ;)
Don't forget to follow/favorite to stay updated. Also check out my tumblr (mayremmy) for some pictures I posted and my new cover for BR(OK)EN.
Also I know I haven't been updating regularly, I apologize for that. I finally got a break from college until September, but now there's my job and personal life that are keeping me busy. But I'll try my best to write whenever and wherever I can. So when I'm taking too long, don't stop reminding me I need to hurry up :D
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