Darkness Falls

By Sodoshiin

Pairing- Squall x Seifer

Rating- R

Warnings- Death Fic, Angst, Violence, Drug-use, Sexual Situations

Author's Notes and Legal Stuffs-

            I do not own Squall or Seifer. I had a pair of muses but they kind of wandered off…. ^-^'

            The others characters and ALL song lyrics found within this fic are MINE. Please do not steal without permission.

            This story takes place a few years after the game takes place. I don't really elaborate on what happened to the other characters. It doesn't really have anything to do with the story itself. I don't really spend a lot of time on the other characters because they aren't completely relative to the story.

            All but one section is written in Seifer's POV. The POV change is listed so don't worry about being confuzzeled. :D

            This was written for a contest on a SxS mailing list. Please read and review :D Feel Free to e-mail me comments at Sodoshiin@hotmail.com

            Thanks to Elise Maxwell and WolfPilot06 for being meh betas!


Darkness Falls



I was watching him again.

I'd done it before, almost since the day he'd come back.

I never really understood why he'd come back. He puzzled me really…

That day he strode in, chocolate hair falling over his eyes, pale skin and sunglasses, not quite reminding me of a vampire but more of a half-Ozzy- half-Rufus-Wainwright-wanna-be. It could have been the way the gray Picasso monogrammed t-shirt clung to his lean frame, or the guitar case that was strapped to his back.

Whatever it was, I was stuck to him all over again, before he'd even spoken a word.

We pretended for a while we didn't recognize one another, sort of a shared, unspoken agreement. I was surprised he'd left his little niche of comfort and prestige to venture into the dark corner of the world that I'd placed myself in, the one place where no one bothered to ask where you had come from, and didn't care. I don't know how he'd found me, and I guess it didn't really matter.

But I was surprised he could sing.

There was something in it; the soft rumble of his voice when he sang. The way his eyes closed, the way his fingers met the strings on the black chrome twelve-string he cradled on his lap.

No one else present in that room would dare deny him the day he walked in.

And none of us were sorry.

I guess everyone thought it was some kind of a luck sign that we had matching scars.

Neither of us elaborated.

Now that I look at him…..amid the red and blue lights….

I slowly make my way around the perimeter of the flashing lights, the screaming crowd, the officers.

This was just another performance, another stage.

He's so pale.

I stop only a few feet of him and consider the dark ruby necklace he wears.

His chocolate hair is draped across his cheekbone, his head tilted.

His eyes gaze at the officers pushing back the crowd of screaming fans.

Just like on stage…

Why won't he look at me?

I look at his hand, resting on his abdomen, he's not wearing his rings.

His fingers look cold.

He looks so beautiful in the blue light.

When he wakes up I might tell him….

Chapter One- A month earlier

The room was dancing.

Not the just the people in the room.

The room itself.

Everything was coated in a warm, colorful, fuzzy haze.

There was a girl on my arm.

At least I THINK it was a girl…


I suppose that if my body hadn't been pleasantly numb at that particular moment the tug on my arm would have been quite painful.

The source of the liquid hot, genderless friction beside me disappeared and everything got smaller, darker, quieter, and colder.

I was outside?

"Fucking SHIT Seifer! What the HELL were you thinking?!" the voice drummed in my ear, close to causing pain. "Man, Squall's gonna shit a brick if he finds out you came home plastered again and you KNOW that!"

Yomi. It was Yomi….I think….

Not that I could really SEE him…


Those eyes.

I could never handle those eyes.

By the time I had started to sober up HE'D gotten back to the hotel room. In the other guys defense they'd done a good job of hiding the evidence of my night out. They'd gotten me in the bathtub, my clothes in the washing machine and, more importantly, properly disposed of all the "equipment" I'd been carrying around in my pockets.

But somehow he still knew. He smelled it on me like the sharp tongued, human bloodhound that he was.

And the glare he was giving me was enough to scare a normal person into infinite sobriety.

Then again, I wasn't a normal person.

But, surprisingly, he said nothing.

Not like he needed to. We'd "talked" about it every night I had come home wobbly or cloudy eyed. He wasn't my babysitter, he wasn't my mother, hell, he wasn't even the headmaster anymore, but we all knew he called the shots.

I just couldn't put a finger on the time when I'd stopped caring.

He turned and walked away. I went back to buttoning up my shirt.

He'd just gotten back from a date. I could tell by the cologne lingering in the room long after he'd gone. He'd been dating a lot since he'd joined the band. I'd never bothered to ask about Rinoa. She was part of a past that neither of us seemed to want to talk about.

I thought about going back now that I was clean, changed, and sober enough to appreciate getting plastered all over again. Sunrise was still a good three hours away. I decided that sleeping might be best considering we had a gig the next night.

There would be other chances.

Chapter 2

I don't care what the studies say, beer is most definitely a breakfast food.

It kept me distracted enough to ignore my band mates as they went on with their daily activities.

Yomi. Yomi was the lead guitarist. A year younger than I and already he'd been playing twice as long. He was the obvious choice for the lead, as in most mornings I would wake up not knowing my head from my ass and either one or both would be in pain for reasons I couldn't quite remember. The girls seemed to love him almost as much as they loved Squall.

Edan was our basist, blonde, and the shortest, oldest member of the band. He'd been in the business longest and kind of led us through the initial ropes even before Squall had joined. Of the five of us he was also the quietest. In other words, he and Squall got along great, the leader and the commander. Never following too far behind Edan was his girlfriend, Sineade, who wasn't REALLY a part of the band but I was surprised she hadn't gone all Yoko Ono on us. At twenty she was over nine years younger than her man and a damn bombshell at that.

The final member of the band was Bach. The drummer. The baby of the group. The residential Man-Ho. A real Irvine Kinneas if you know what I mean. If anyone was going to run against me for the title of "most messed up member award" it would be him.

I made my way to the kitchen; everyone pretty much just ignored me.

I grabbed my coffee, my beer, stole the newspaper from the table and headed back to my room.

Just as I was getting comfortable, there was a knock at the door.

"It's open." I grumbled, opening the Sports section, and hunting through my pockets for a cigarette with the other.

I knew it was HIM before I even turned around. He had this aura about him that I could never quite understand, but it had always been there. I suppose it was one of the things that made people look at him, notice him, try to be like him.

"What do you want? If you're just going to barrage me for last night save your breath. I don't care."

"I'm sick of fighting with you Seifer." He leaned in the doorway with that way of his. You know, that way that just makes you want to hit him and drool at the same time. His arms folded over his chest, his head tilted slightly, chin raised in that superior way of his…

"Then don't fight." I told him without looking at him. I sipped my coffee, waiting for him to leave.

"I have a proposition for you."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I doubt that you have anything I could possibly want?"

His answer was simple and precise. "Me."

I nearly choked on my coffee.

"Here's the deal." he continued. "If you can stay clean for the rest of this week every night  I'll start to sleep in the same bed as you...." he paused, as if making sure I was paying attention. I was. Hell, I was! "and for every week after that, I'll wear one less article of clothing when I do it..."

I swallowed. What the fuck was going on??? "And what happens when you don't have anything else-"

Squal's gaze was even. "I'll be your slave, for every day after that I'll be yours in every way you want me." His eyes slanted. "And I know you want me, Seifer. All you have to do is stay clean. Do we have a bargain?"

All I could do was blink at stare. Blink and stare. Blink and stare. Squall. Squall LEONHART was offering himself to me! I mean, I'd thought about it before, but no one knew! How the hell did HE figure it out?

My headed nodded before I actually told it to.

 "Good boy. Now just keep with the rules of the game."

What the hell was I supposed to do? "Am I allowed to smoke?"

"For now I guess." he tossed me a look. "Oh, one more thing. Until the time is up you're not allowed to touch me without my consent. Got that?"

Another nod.

"Good." He pushed himself off the doorframe and turned. "And if I find out you've been cheating the deal is completely off."

Then he was gone.

All I could do was stare and blink.

Chapter 3

"Just how long can this last

The light is fading all too fast

I'm trying to just hold on

To wish away the pain"

Squall was on the ball tonight. I honestly didn't know where his energy came from sometimes. It seemed to pour out whenever he sang…

And the fans below us knew it.

"I don't know how much more I can take

Try not to let my spirit break

Must go on for your sake

Don't let it end this way"

The crowd wasn't so bad tonight, not a full house but what could you expect on a Monday night.

"Breathe (I have to breathe)

Hold on (I just have to hold on)

Don't give up (Just a little bit longer)

Just believe (I've got to be stronger)"

I tried not to think about what had gone on earlier that day and concentrated on my guitar playing. Guitar now. Hormones later.

"This is my destiny

This is the reason why I came

This is my choice, my voice

So let me take the blame"

I have this habit of letting my mind wander. My fingers however always seemed to know what they were doing, my feet helping as much as they could but allowing me to wander a short distance over the surface of the stage.

"These tattered wings before me

Can only take me so far

My body's broken, bleeding

Don't let it end this way"

"You know I love you

I'm here just to protect you

I'll always watch over you

Even if it means I have to leave you"

All I had to do was keep clean for the rest of the week.

"Breathe (I have to breathe)

Hold on (I just have to hold on)

Don't give up (Just a little bit longer)

Just believe (I've got to be stronger)"

Squall had wrapped the arm with the microphone in it around my neck, pulling my head closer to his mouth. I honestly don't know how I continued to play as the warm breath tickled my ear, warm…tempting…the tantalizing body pressed against mine, the soft melodic whisper dancing through my body.

"Just how long can this last

The light is fading all too fast

I'm trying to just hold on

To wish away the pain"

"This is my sacrifice

For you I'll say goodbye

My last reserves are running dry

It must be my time to die"

"If it will turn the tide

I'll leave it all behind

The sky's never been so clear

The stars have never been so near"

The little bastard. He was just doing all he could to keep me up with that little plan of his...

"Don't cry these crimson tears

Don't blame this lonely heart

This is the only way

You'll understand someday"

The crowd screamed at the fan service that was being offered to them, even louder as Squall grinned, starting to walk away, but pausing to slap the me lightly on the rear.

"This is my sacrifice

I know it will make you cry

I'll come back to you one day

My memories are a part of the sky"

And what could I do about it?

Sit there and play.

And try to hide my erection as best as I could…

Chapter 4

Stir-craziness isn't something I'm very fond of, and a week of it was torture!

Still, just the mere thought of what Squall was offering stirred a few more things than my curiosity.

I don't know exactly what it was that I had for Squall, but I guess it had always been there. He was freaking hot, but always out of reach.

But how had he found out? Or was it just a lucky guess?

And why was he doing it to begin with?

If it was THAT big a deal he could have just kicked me out of the band AGES ago.

Maybe the other's wouldn't let him.

A week passed, but it felt like a month, or two….or four….

I didn't know exactly when he would show himself, or IF he would.

The knock on the door came just shy of ten o'clock Monday night.

I opened the door, half expecting it not to be him.

He walked past me like he owned the room…

In his pajamas?

A t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

Two weeks. Two weeks and he was mine.

So why wasn't I all that thrilled?

"Well?" he turned, looking at me expectantly. Waiting for me to do something, anything I guess.

"Uhm…….." I blinked. "Go ahead and get in if you want…..I'll….uh….get changed."

"Whatever…" he replied.

But I had to admit, he DID look kind of nervous, though he was doing a good job of hiding it.

I almost felt like locking myself in the bathroom.

What was I supposed to do with him?

I wasn't allowed to touch him. He actually trusted me?

Wait, he said without his permission….

Maybe be would…..no, I couldn't think like that….

When I got back out he was curled up on one side of my bed, taking up half the covers. He looked kind of small from the way he was laying. He had his eyes closed, as if he'd already decided he was going to sleep.

That WE were going to sleep.

Which, at that moment, was fine with me.

So, we spent the first night, each on our separate sides of the bed. Not touching. Not talking.


By the time I woke up the next morning he was gone.

And it kind of seemed like a good thing.


For some reason, Squall and I seemed to ignore one another for the most part the next day. It wasn't really unusual, I'd just noticed it more after what had happened, or HADN'T happened the night before.

By that night Squall seemed like he was just going to pass out from the days activities and rather collapsed on the bed.

We'd been at a sound check at some local sound recording studio for most of the day.

He'd been asked to stay behind for some "small vocal touchups".

He hadn't come home until ten minutes ago.

When I was somewhat convinced he wasn't going to move I decided to help him by removing his shoes and socks.

He mumbled something incoherent at me but nothing else.

"Are you going to bother getting changed?" I asked, pulling off my shirt to change into some bed clothes, pretty sure he wasn't going to turn his head before I was done.

Again he mumbled something but made no inclination that he was planning on moving.

When the light went off we'd managed to at least get him under the covers if nothing else.

He was out within seconds.

I sat awake for a little while, listening to his soft breathing, staring at the street lights from the window reflecting off the ceiling.

He wasn't a snorer, which was a good sign.

He sure shifted a lot though.

And apparently he liked warm places.

I didn't know exactly when I had fallen asleep but I woke up in the middle of the night with him half on, half off of me, his face buried between the bed and the pillow.

As I drifted in and out of consciousness, I wondered where the symptoms of withdrawal were.

But more I thought about Squall, and what exactly it was he wanted from me.


"Hey, Squall, where were you last night?" I heard Yomi call as he came down the hallway. "I knocked on your door but there was no answer."

"I went out." He replied without so much as a look up from his newspaper.

I said nothing but sat down next to Bach, who'd only moments before snuck his latest fling out the main door.

It didn't bother me all that much that he didn't want people to know. I wondered if they'd noticed that I WAS in my room last night and not partying.

Not likely.

Chapter 5

The first week passed rather quickly.

I don't know exactly how I felt about it.

A shirtless Squall sounded nice, and the fact that he would be beside me for the night again helped.

But I don't know if I was excited really.

"Why don't you ever stay?" I asked from my spot lounged on the bed as he was preparing for sleep.

"What do you mean?"

"You're gone every morning."

"Our agreement was that I would spend the NIGHT with you." He eyed me before starting to pull off his shirt.

"Ah…" I rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. "So, I'm not allowed to touch you, all we do is sleep and you're gone by morning."

He tossed his shirt on the edge of and stood with his hand on his hip. "Are you complaining?"

"I guess I am." I folded my arms under my head.

He appeared above me, glaring down with a raised eyebrow. "So, you don't think it's worth it?"

"Well, honestly, no. The idea of what could happen later is nice, but as for right now it feels like a punishment."

I'd never seen him look so shocked in his life. "A PUNISHMENT??!"

"Yeah, I mean look at what time it is. I NEVER go to bed this early! You just walk in here go to sleep then leave." I shrugged. "I mean, come on."

"If you're thinking you're going to get laid before the time is up you're fucking crazy." He scoffed. "I'm not breaking the deal."

"I'm not asking you to." I replied.

"So, you just want something now to help you along?" He folded his arms over his chest and continued to glare at me.

"Uhm…." I sat up a little on my elbows, blinking a bit. "That's not exactly….uhm….I wasn't implying."

"Well, that's what it sounded like to me." Dear god, he'd braced his hand on the end of the bed and started to crawl over the comforter toward me.

I swallowed. "I….I didn't mean……"

He crawled over the lower half of my body, his arms braced on either side of me, smirking at the obvious shocked look I knew I had on my face. "But it would help?"

I said nothing as he lowered his face to mine.

His lips were warm and soft and tasted like toothpaste. His fingers dug into my hair, his bare chest pressed against the cloth of my t-shirt.

Then suddenly he shoved his tongue into my mouth, his lips pressing hard against mine, burying my head back into the pillow I was laying on.

His fingers stroked the nape of my neck, his body rubbing against mine is a way that was already getting some results.

And there was no way he couldn't feel it.

One hand moved from the back of my head and slid down, under the edge of my shirt, sliding up to rub my chest while his lower half began to move over mine. His fingers were slightly cold and I gasped as they dragged lightly over my nipple.

He'd become liquid hot in less than five seconds, and I was loving it.

By the time he pulled away I was breathing hard and already ready for anything else he had planned.

"There. Better?" He was still over me, his head titled, his lips flushed and parted.

He had me and he knew it.


"Good. Now get ready for bed." He moved his hand from under my shirt, sliding it down my skin as he moved from the bed.

I lay there after he'd gone into the bathroom, staring at the ceiling.

That night made me think. A lot more than I normally liked to.

We spent the days ignoring one another, the evenings performing at every club in town, and our nights, before, and since then, doing nothing but sleeping.

I made me wondering just how much he was pushing himself.

He'd never made any inclinations he'd liked guys, so why was I different? Why had he decided to throw whatever morals he had aside to play a game he didn't even seem to be enjoying.

By the time the final week had ended I felt horrible.

I could tell he was nervous. Not only did he refuse to talk with me at all that day, but he seemed to be purposefully avoiding me.

I was almost surprised when he showed up at my door that night.

He hadn't bothered to change into his night clothes.

I don't think he felt the need to.

"I've been thinking." I told him, watching as he started to pull off his shirt.

"About?" Pulling the article of clothing over his head he ran a hand through his hair and looked at me.

"All this." I sat down on the edge of the bed. "I don't think it's right."

"It's what I promised." he shrugged, kicking off his shoes and starting to pull off his socks. They both landed in the general vicinity of his shirt.

"I don't want you to feel you owe me anything." I said pointedly.

"Damnit Seifer! You kept your half of the bargain. Just let me do this." He huffed, frowning deeply and pulling off his belt.

I stood, folding my arms over my chest and glaring. "Why the fuck are you doing this Squall? You're not gay! You don't like guys! I know you hate every fucking minute of this!"

His eyes burned into mine. "Because I don't want to wake up this morning and find out you've OD'ed in some back alley! I don't want to have to make that call to Fujin and Raijin to tell them that you won't be coming home next christmas! Because I want you HERE, I want to know that you're okay and that when I wake up in the morning you're going to be there!"

"Then why all this?"

"Because you're more important to me than I am. We've been friends for god knows HOW fucking long. And I'm not going to lose you just because you're being fucking stupid."

"Well you know what Squall, I don't want you here if you don't want to be here. I'm not some fucking charity case-"

"I never said I didn't want to be here Seifer. I'm not a masochist. You know me, I wouldn't stay if I hated it."


I dropped back down onto the bed, my elbows resting on my knees. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to see the weakness in my eyes. I didn't want to let him go, but I didn't really know why. But I didn't really know if I believed him, if I COULD believe him…"Squall.....it's alright....we can stop it now...."

"But, you went through with it...."

"I know, but I guess I just don't want it like I did before."

His jaw dropped. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna go back the way I was. You don't have to stick around like this anymore. You can leave, I'll be fine."

"What if I don't want to leave."

"I WANT you to leave."

I tried to ignore the fact that his entire body winced at that comment.

He watched me for a moment, as if to make sure I was serious, then turned and left.

As soon as the door closed my heart sank.

Chapter 6

Well, I was free again.

I don't know exactly what that meant, or what I would do with this newfound apparent freedom, but I knew a good place to start.

I didn't go right away, I wasn't sure if I was ready to go back. I waited two nights, alone in my bed, staring at nothing, before I decided I was ready.

The club was as busy as it had been the last day I'd been there, months before. It felt weird seeing it now. It seemed much darker and dirtier and suddenly I wished I was back home at the hotel.

I swore myself to one drink before I headed back just to justify the ride out and headed up the long flight of stairs to the bar which was positioned on a balcony high above the dance floor itself. It never really made sense to me, then again I'd never been sober enough to think about it before.

Devil on both shoulders
I was hidden in the dreams of the dark
The rain is taking over
Everything is gone and it's too late

The music was loud.

It hurts
I've been here shouting
Even if I can't be heard
The rain will stop someday

The music was familiar.

My voice is broken
But I'm still crying out
Reality is a traitor
So what can I believe?

It was US.

My voice is broken
But I can hear you falling from grace
Escaping dreams, blinded by light
The rain will stop someday

It was some freeform techno remix of "Fallen" that I hadn't heard, probably illegal.

You're frozen in the past
If you won't move on just tear yourself up
How can you smile when you're alone?
How can you breathe with the world on your shoulders?

Hearing Squall doesn't help when you're trying to forget Squall.

I know it hurts
I used to look at tortured eye on the past
But now I feel free even from the pain
The rain will stop someday

I kept wondering what kind of a mood he was in when he wrote all of those damned songs of his.

Your voice is broken
But you're still screaming
It's easy to misjudge things
So what do you believe now?

It really wasn't that bad of a remix…

Your voice is broken
But you're still screaming
It's easy to misjudge things
So what do you believe now?

I made my way through the people, wondering if any of them would recognize me. Doubting they would seeing as how most of them were probably either drunk or high. I found a place to sit and waited for the bartender to make her way over.

Not knowing
How can you smile when you're alone
Come take my hand now
I'll lead you to the sky before the end

Now that I was close to the edge of the balcony I could see why the setup was like this.

The view was awesome. You could see every dancer from up here. The strobes, the dj. Things were a lot different now that I was sober.

My voice is broken
But I can hear you falling from grace
Escaping dreams, blinded by light
The rain will stop someday…

I could see a lot more.

Like a brunet head bobbing to the beat of the music in the distance.

"No fucking way…" I muttered to myself just as the bartender got to me.

"What can I get you?"

"Excuse me for a second."

I was down the stairs in maybe three seconds flat.

I made my way through the crowd, pushing dancers aside, not really caring if they were really in the way or not.

It couldn't be him, it WASN'T him…

And there he was, sandwiched in between a young redheaded girl and a tall striking blonde man.

I tried to ignore the fact that the two men, both clad in similar leather pants, were paying more careful attention to one another. I tried to deny that Squall had his hands up the blonde's halfway unbuttoned shirt, or that the other had his hands down the back end  of Squall's pant's, grinding him against the knee he'd placed in between Squall's legs.

I tried to deny the fact that I was fuming in anger as I grabbed Squall and pulled him backwards through the crowd of people, ignoring the shouts of the blonde or the startled yells of the one I dragged.

By the time I had him outside he was kicking and screaming at me.

"Seifer! What the fuck??!!"

I refused to let go of him until we crossed the nearly empty lot I'd parked in. I nearly threw him in the direction of the car, pinning him between me and the passenger side door with my arms on either side of him. "What the HELL are you doing here???!"

"It's a free country Seifer, I can go where I want! And where I'm GOING is back into that CLUB!" He shoved past me and strided back in the direction we had just come from.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him back in front of me. "So you can go back to that guy? And what if he wants to take you home with him huh? Are you just gonna let him?! So you can get God-knows-WHAT from him??!"

"Has it occurred to you that maybe I don't CARE???!"

I stopped, studying him for a moment, looking carefully at his eyes. "Are you high?"

"Nothing YOU haven't done I'm sure." He snarled at me, ripping his arm away. "Now if you don't MIND-"


He shrugged at me like it was nothing. "A little Extacy and….uh…something else…not quite sure."

I didn't know how I could breathe, how I could keep from hitting him for his stupidity. "Why?"

Once again, he shrugged. "I guess I wanted to see what exactly it was that you were choosing over me. I kinda like it. No worries, no pain, just simple fun." He smirked at me. "I'll see you when I get back home okay?"

"You're beyond all this Squall. Why?" I shook my head, my eyes wide. "Please don't do this…"

"I WANT to do this!" he glared at me. "You have NO SAY in this. You threw me away REMEMBER? You HAD your chance!" he was fuming, his face reddening in anger, his voice getting louder. "I TRIED!! And I WAITED for you! I've BEEN waiting for you to sober your ass up so I could BE with you! Why the hell do you think I came back here to FIND you?! For my HEALTH????!" his shoulders hunched and he sighed, staring me down. "And I tried. I tried SO hard. I thought that if you saw me trying you'd understand. I thought that maybe if you had me to be with you you wouldn't NEED all of this…." He raises his arms and let them drop at his sides again.

For the first time since we were children I saw a hopelessness in his eyes….and I couldn't speak.

"I thought I was enough…" he said quietly. "I would have given anything, done anything, for you to just SEE…… I wanted to be enough…."

Silence passed between us.

I couldn't look at him, couldn't look away. I didn't want him to go back in but I couldn't think of anything to say to keep him here.

Apparently he did.

"Let's just go home okay?" he brushed past me and headed back toward the car. "I think my drugs are wearing off."

I turned and followed, opening the door for him. "What about your friend?"

"Oh him?" he huffed. "He's probably found someone else to play with." He slid into the passenger seat, his pants creaking.

"Why did you choose him?"

He shrugged, suddenly looking very small against the seat. "I guess with all the drugs it's easy to pretend….he kind of reminded me of you….it's stupid though…he didn't have your eyes…" he looked up at me, and I couldn't bare they way his kept my gaze. "You have beautiful eyes."

Again, I had no response, so instead I shut the door and headed to my own side of the vehicle.

Chapter 7

By the time we got back to the hotel, Squall seemed to be feeling the after-effects of the drugs as he sobered up. I was half carrying him through the suite toward his room.

"Bathroom." he muttered.

"Feeling sick?" I looked down at him as he buried his sleep looking head against my arm.

"I feel dirty…" he muttered. "And my head hurts……"

"That'll pass in a while…" I set him down on the toilet as soon as we made it to the bathroom and eyed him. "Do you need any help?"

"No… I'll be alright…" He assured me.

"I'm going to make some coffee, if you need anything just let me know alright? I'll only be in the common room…"


That was good enough for me. I shut the door to the bathroom and headed for the common room that adjoined all our rooms. Even from here I could hear the water from his bathroom running. It was probably a bad idea to leave him alone but I wasn't far away… I wondered if we'd already woken up any of the others.

I tried not to think about what Squall had said, tried to focus on the problem at hand. It was hard, almost painful. I WANTED to digest it. It wasn't as if it was that hard to figure out.

Squall loved me. He offered himself like a piece of meat just to show me, to prove to me what a fool I was, that all I needed was right under my nose the whole time.

I wanted him. I really did. But I didn't know if it was love… I didn't see the point of him wasting his time on me, even though I needed him…

And I was an even bigger fool for not seeing just how badly he needed me too. He'd gone and sunk to my level because of my stupidity.

My poor Squall….

I was such a fucking moron.

He'd been in the shower for nearly an hour.... a week ago I would have just walked in...nothing I haven't seen before...nothing he needed, or usually wanted, to hide. This time I hovered outside of the doorway.

I knocked when the shower turned off. "Can I brush my teeth?"

"Sure come on in." he replied, not bothering to ask why I didn't use my OWN bathroom to do it.

I opened the door and stepped into the steam-filled room.

He had a towel wrapped around his waist and another drying his hair as he stood near the bathtub.

I watched him through the fogged up mirror as best as I could.

He was right there.....

I wanted to run my hands down the curve of his back, kiss his neck, smell his hair....

I grinded the brush against my teeth, biting down the sudden heaviness in my chest, the burning sensation in my eyes.

Both hands met the sink, the toothbrush clinking lightly against the porcelain. I grabbed for the small stack of paper cups near the hand soap and filled one up, rinsing out my mouth with the coldest water I could get.

Arms came around me from behind, my shirt collar was pulled away slightly, the softness of lips tickling the nape of my neck.

"I miss you..." I whispered to him, setting my toothbrush in the sink and moving my hands over his.

He nuzzled the back of my shirt, still warm from his shower. "I love you."

Damn....I was sick of second guessing.

He gasped lightly as I turned, pressing him firmly against the wall, my face inches from his. My eyes dragged down his naked form as I held him in place, his wrists secured over his head against the wall but my hand.

His eyes darted around nervously as he struggled the tiniest bit, probably uncomfortable from the coolness of the textured wallpaper against his damp backside. "Seifer…the guys…"

"Are sound asleep." I leaned in and kissed him, letting my lips drag lightly over his. "And if they aren't, oh well…."

The fingers of my free hand trailed from the tip of his nose to his lips. I made a small noise in my throat as he took my three main fingers into his mouth and slowly began to suck at them.

God, he was beautiful.

I began to trail my fingers down his body again. His lips remained moist and parted against mine. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes half closed watching my hand slide over one of his nipples then to his abdomen and lower to play with his naval ring.

"About that guy in the club…." I told him, my voice low, my breath causing the hair near his ear to brush against his cheek. "You weren't really going to sleep with him were you?"

He pulled back a little and looked up at me. "What kind of a slut do you think I am?"

I frowned. "Well you don't really make it a habit of discussing your sex life…."

"I don't know." he admitted. "Probably not. The drugs weren't helping though…"

"But you were willing to let me do anything I wanted to you."

"You still CAN if you want."

I couldn't help but glare at him. "I'd like to think this has nothing to do with our little deal."

Well THAT shocked him. His face completely changed after that, his eyes widened, and something in them changed. "But…..I thought you wanted sex…"

"I do." I leaned in and purred in his ear, pressing my body against his damp, hot one. "But I'd rather it be something you want, and not something you feel obliged to do…." He started to speak but I interrupted him before he could get anything out. "And, if it's all the same to you, when I wake up tomorrow morning I want you to be there, and the next morning, and the next morning…"

He smiled a little bashfully, fumbling with the buttons on my shirt. "Why don't we just concentrate on tonight for now."

"Only if you promise you'll be here when I wake up." I told him.

I don't know if it was a laugh, it sounded like one, but it seemed rather involuntary.       

He nodded, wrapping his arms around my neck as I half carried him backwards through the bathroom door into the bedroom....


He was curled around me when we woke up the next morning, the thin white under-blanket barely covering his nude form.

Not that I was complaining.

The only person who would see him was equally as naked and probably covered in less.

I didn't check.

I glared at the clock, seeing we'd overslept by a little over two hours and I thought about waking up Squall.

Instead I pulled the blanket around him better and went back to sleep.

Chapter 8

He sat on his bed with his guitar, plucking gently at the strings, with the afternoon light shining in through the window. I didn't really know if he was trying to play anything really or just playing for the hell of it, but was relaxing and I was enjoying his company.

I was lounging beside him, my head near his feet, not doing much of anything in particular but watching him.

We hadn't had a lazy day in a long time.

I had his bare foot in my hand, the other reaching up into his pantleg to massage his calf as he played.

He tossed a smile at me as I kissed his ankle lightly, nice and clean and soapy smelling from the shower we'd shared earlier that morning.

It had been three days since we'd made love for the first time, and since then I hadn't been away from him for more than an hour.

I think the guys suspected something. Not that I cared.

I glanced up the length of his body and watched his face as I started to play with his toes. They curled in my fingers and he laughed, his fingers momentarily leaving the strings to slap me on the ass. "Bored?"

"Nope," I replied, taking one of his perfectly clean toes into my mouth and nibbling on it. I grinned around it, watching him try to keep a straight face as he arched an eyebrow.

I moved a little to take one of his hands and brought the palm to my mouth, kissing it lightly.

"You just like the smell of my soap don't you." he laughed, setting the guitar aside with his free hand and sprawling out next to me.

"Mmmhmm.." I pulled him into a kiss, letting my lips linger on his. "You're my new drug."

"Wanna head out to get some food?" He watched as I tangled my fingers with his before looking me in the eye.

"Not really." I told him. "Maybe in a bit."

I pulled him closer, starting to pull his shirt up.

"Sounds good to me." he mumbled, smiling in that mischievous way I was getting starting to love.

I had other plans.

"You know…." I told him, watching him as he started to unbutton my shirt. "I think that I really needed this."

"I've been needing it forever." He breathed, dragging his lips down my chest. "Feels like longer…."

"And I'm planning on making it last as long as I can." I assured him. "Because I think I love you too…"

He laughed, turning me onto my back, straddling my waist and leaning down to kiss me. "Even if you don't I'll MAKE you love me, and you're going to like it."

You weren't going to get any arguments from me.

Chapter 9

The stage seemed hotter than usual, the crowd bigger, the air heavier.

Squall sang a few feet in front of me, glowing with perspiration.

Yomi looked like he was about to die.

By the time the set had ended the band was out the back door and relaxing in the cool night air.

Ignoring the stink of the alleyway garbage cans I lit a cigarette and stared up at the clear night sky.

Yomi and Bach were discussing later plans while Edan disappeared back into the club to find his girlfriend.

After a few seconds I heard footsteps come up to me and the cigarette disappeared from my fingers. I snapped out of my haze, watching blankly as Squall took a long drag from it. After placing it back in between my pointer and middle finger he planted a kiss on my lips.

"What was that for?" I smirked at him, taking another drag.

"Dunno." he shrugged, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. "Just because I can."

"I'm gonna get a drink. Wanna come in with me?" I brushed a few strands of hair away from his eyes and watched him as he boredly kicked a stone with the tip of his boot.

"I think I'm gonna stay out here for a few more minutes, I'm still kinda hot." He nuzzled against my hand and smiled.

"Meet me in there in a few minutes?"

He nodded as I flicked the remains of my cigarette onto the gravel and backed up toward the door. I waited until he turned his eyes off me and began to stretch before I opened the door and headed back in.

"You guys feel like getting out of here?" Edan asked as soon as I'd stepped inside. I moved to let one guy pass me and head out the back before joining him at the bar.

"I dunno. Might be a good idea. I think we're all a little tired." I ordered a jack daniel's and leaned against the counter. "Squall had a late night last night…"

"Before or after you guys got back home?" Bach snickered, tugging the latest flavor of the month under his arm. She was cute, probably in her early 20s.

I gave it less than 24 hours.

"So are we going to gather up the gear and get the hell out of here or what?" Yomi eyed me. "We've all decided that's the plan. You guys can stay around here for as long as you want."

"Yeah yeah yeah…." I sighed. The bartender set my drink on the table and I chugged it down fast enough to get odd looks from my band mates. "I'll go grab Squall okay?"

"Depends, where are you planning on grabbing him?" Bach winked at me, nudging me as I stood.

"Just for that you can pay for my drink." I pointed a finger at him, grinning. "Where and how I touch Squall is none of your business."

"Hey, I just want to know what's going on when I can't sleep tonight." Bach raises his arms in defense.

"Who says that won't be me?" the girl under his arm giggled.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the conversation.

Passing the same guy I had on the previous trip near the door I opened it, preparing to pull out another cigarette.

The air felt nice, and for a second I couldn't blame Squall for staying out for so long.

As the door closed behind me and my eyes adjusted to the dark, the cigarette I'd been about to light fell from my lips.

And I screamed…


The police said it had been a case of mistaken identity. The guy who'd done it had been high off his ass, looking for some idiot who his girlfriend had been cheating on him with.

They said it had been quick. That the pain, if there had been any, had been short.

He'd been knocked over the head with something, a brick that had fallen from one of the buildings, then, when he was unconscious, the guy had slit his throat….

We'd only been on the other side of the door when it had happened.

I watched Seifer slowly make his way in between the policemen. He looked like he was lost in a dream, his eyes were open, but he didn't seem to be focusing anywhere. He seemed to keep an even distance away from the body, as if he was afraid.

Afraid to accept.

Squall was dead.

For some reason I was calm, I accepted it, but I had reacted quite yet.

I could hear Sineade crying, Edan talking frantically to one of the policeman, Bach shrieking on the phone to someone….the people behind the police line shouting.

But Seifer….

He was kneeling now, staring down at the body.

I wish they'd just close his eyes.

A shaking hand reached out…brushing against the cold, white fingers splayed over the silent chest.

I moved forward, moving past the officers, surprised they hadn't tried to stop any of us….

I reached him just as he began brushing the hair away from a pair of storm grey lifeless eyes.

Neither of us said anything, but remained in silence as the noise escalated around us.

I think we both started to cry at the same time.



It took me a few days to gather the courage to walk into his room.

For the longest time all I did was sit…

Then I wandered….as if I'd never been there before.

It was time to leave the hotel….but all of us were reluctant to touch any of Squall's things…We weren't sure what to take, what to leave, what to throw away.

I would have kept all of it…

His guitar case still lay on his bed, open, waiting to be used.

I stared at it for an eternity, as if it dared me to play it, to move it in any way.

And I did, but not to play.

To see what I knew was huddled underneath it.

Squall's book.

The book we weren't allowed to touch.

The thoughts were weren't allowed to read.

It sat at the bottom of the guitar case until I gathered enough courage to pick it up. I held it in my hands, just looked at it. Contemplating.

He'd held it in his hands only days before. I pretended, that if I concentrated, I could still feel the warmth his hands had left on it. That if I waited long enough, he would walk in and yell at me for going through his private things.

But I knew he wouldn't.

There was nothing left to lose.

So I opened it.

For a moment I could just sit there….

They were the songs he'd written…the one's he never wanted us to see….

It felt almost like sacrilege to read them now….

But they were a part of him…and for a second, I needed them…

Some of them were so beautiful I could understand why he'd never publish them. They were his. And now they were mine.

I read the entire book through until I came to a sheet of loose leaf paper, merely folded and pressed in between two pages in the book that were blank.

I know the dance of life and death

I've seen the angels draw last breath

I got out to see the sunrise

Then go home

I walk between the sands of time

I've claimed the sky the stars are mine

The rain the moon all but bowed

Before me

Darkness falls

From breath so still

Free the baffled angels

Don't cry

(Good night)

He walked upon the white hot sand

He held the whole world in his hand

He rose and fell with time and tides

Before me

See upon his back he lies

Don't let him close those searching eyes

I love and was loved

For a time

Darkness falls

From breath so still

Free the baffled angels

Don't cry

(Good night)

Your shadow follows far behind you

The light is stretching far to find you

Who is there to walk beside you

I am the hurt, I am the pain

I'll take the silence, I've earned the blame

A cloudless sky can give no rain

Darkness falls

From breath so still

Free the baffled angels

Don't cry

Good night

I know the dance of life and death

I've seen the angels draw last breath

I got out to see the sunrise

Then go home…

I stared at the page for what seemed like forever.

I wondered if it was me he compared himself to….and wondered why…how he could have seen me in such light…

"I love you too…" I whispered, wiping away the droplets that had begun to soak the paper. I slid it back into it's place within the book, then placed the book back into the guitar case.

Standing, I picked up the case and walked from the room, shutting the door behind me.