Title: Dragon Age Pymquisition
Disclaimer: BioWare owns the entire Dragon Age saga, its characters, its worlds, and all related concepts. With a myriad of writers, artists, and editors, actual rights are a nightmare when you go near a comic book universe. Suffice it to say that Marvel Entertainment LLC owns all of the property printed in their comics, along with the television, movie, and gaming adaptations of said same property. Not mine, don't sue, and so forth and so on.
Summary: Cassandra Pentaghast thought things were complicated enough when a Dalish elf was marked as the Herald of Andraste. Then Janet Pym opened her mouth and started speaking.
Joe's Note: If any of you have played Avengers Academy on iOS or Android, the version of Wasp from the game is... hysterical and frightening in equal measures. She actually seems to be on the cusp of embodying the Hollywood Psychopath: capriciously shifting between utterly charming - if a bit excitable - and almost shockingly violent. So when I decided to do a crackfic based on the premise of a Pym Particle user in the world of the Dragon Age games, I honestly couldn't think of anyone better suited to serve as the main character than that particular version of Janet. Except for maybe Eric O'Grady, but I don't think he's ever had a single fan in the history of ever.
Dedications & Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, MJ, Christopher, Daniel, Brian, Crusifikz70, Rollin, Chris N, Fablesrogue, Morgan, Janne, Joseph, Jason, mpop, Riley, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Timothy, Leigh, Chris, George, Koby, Dimitria, William, Mauday, Stephane, Ken, Warslick, Paul, Pat, Mitch, Joel, Warren, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.
"You seriously expect me to kill that thing... with a bow? Or a pair of daggers? Are you out of your mind?"
Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena Pentaghast let out an exasperated groan as she glanced from the pride demon to her capricious new companion and back. From the moment that she'd laid eyes on one Janet Pym, the Seeker's entire world had been turned upside down. In the bowels of Haven, the sole survivor of the attack on the Conclave had... twisted in on herself like a terror demon, slipping out of her irons and taking out every last guard in the room with blasts of yellow energy that emerged from her bare hands. If not for the conveniently-timed pulse of energy and debilitating pain from the mark that now graced her palm, chances were that even Cassandra and Leliana would have fallen at her hands.
They'd hurriedly forced the woman back into restraints that Janet had promptly escaped once more as soon as she recovered. At that point, Cassandra had been forced to concede that perhaps Leliana's preferred approach might have merit... mostly because they were utterly unprepared to hold whoever or whatever the woman was. And indeed, the woman had responded better to honey than vinegar; once they'd gotten her talking, it'd been impossible to shut her up.
Her name was Janet Pym - although she also answered to the pseudonym 'Wasp' - and despite looking very much like a Dalish elf, she claimed to be a human. Not born of any of the nations of Thedas, or the Sunless Lands, or the Viridis, or even from across one of the oceans or seas that surrounded Thedas. No, she claimed to be from an alternate universe - not to be confused, Janet asserted, with an alternate reality - where humans lived on a planet called 'Earth', which had been very well charted and looked nothing at all like the maps they'd shown her of Thedas.
Cassandra was still having trouble wrapping her mind around the very concept. She'd known that there were things beyond the physical realm; the Fade was very real and most definitely populated. But to discover that there were entirely mundane realms beyond that, entire worlds full of people who went about their lives just the way the residents of Thedas did... it was incredible. Unbelievable. And yet ultimately true. Because one of those people now walked among them.
Although she wouldn't be walking among them for long if Cassandra couldn't rally her forces and defeat the pride demon that had emerged from the Fade rift in the Temple of Sacred Ashes. "You acquitted yourself admirably with that bow on the journey here, Janet. The daggers... slightly less so, but your form is serviceable. Yes, a pride demon is larger than anything we've faced thus far, but I'm confident that if we work together-"
"I'm not saying that we can't beat this ugly bastard. I just don't think that the tools you've given me are up to the job." Janet gave the bow in her hands one last look before throwing it off to one side, shrugging off her quiver and tossing it aside as well. Then she began to disrobe, wriggling out of first her tunic and then the layer of protective chainmail beneath it, revealing a black and yellow garment that Cassandra found more provocative than what the women gracing the cover of Swords and Shields wore, despite the fact that it covered Janet completely. "Hey, Solas, quick question for you. Does this world have a spell that can make people bigger?"
Brow furrowing, Solas shot an unreadable look back at Janet before returning his attention to the demon standing before them. "I've traveled many roads in my time but I can't say that I've never heard of such a thing. Which isn't to say that it may not exist, but if you were hoping that I could provide the same support as another mage that you've worked with in the past, I'm afraid that-"
Janet shook her head before rubbing her hands together, her chuckle sounding distinctly nervous to Cassandra's ears. "Oh, I don't need you to cast a spell on me. I was just curious how much this is going to freak you guys the fuck out." Taking a deep breath to steel herself, she reached up and fiddled with the strange necklace she'd demanded they return to her before leaving Haven: a torc made of some unknown black material with a rotating cup mounted on each end. "Hey Siri, play some music to kick ass to."
'Siri' turned out to be some sort of spirit that had been bound into the necklace, perhaps a Spirit of Purpose or Duty? A spirit blessed with the incredible ability to mimic the collective sound of an entire group of musicians, it turned out. "Okay. Playing Some Music To Kick Ass To."
"Thank God I was wearing my Flips when I got pulled here; every epic fight needs a killer soundtrack." Janet bounced lightly on her toes as some sort of odd chanting over an even odder accompaniment began wafting from the cups on her necklace before taking a step forward and... growing. While Cassandra hadn't forgotten about the way the woman could fold in on herself to escape her bonds on demand, she hadn't expected it to work the opposite way as well. With each step she took, Janet's form stretched taller and taller until she was easily the height of three grown men and then some. "Hey, Ugly! Pick on someone your own size!"
'I'm living in that twenty-first century, doing something mean to it, do it better than anybody you ever seen do it...'
Thundering forward, Janet landed a solid right hook on the dumbfounded pride demon before following up with a left cross. When the demon attempted to counter with a clumsy swipe of its own, Janet nimbly slipped under its arm before delivering a pair of lightning fast kicks to the backs of her foe's knees, sending it staggering forward. Not too far forward, though; Janet quickly grabbed it from behind before twisting and pulling the demon across her hip as she threw it down onto the ground. Then Cassandra's view of the action was cut off by an onrushing shade... that suddenly sprouted a crossbow bolt in the middle of its head. It crumpled to the ground to reveal a smirking Varric. "And you thought I had some tall tales, eh, Seeker?"
'Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it, I guess every superhero need his theme music...'
"Ugh." For a man who occasionally demonstrated striking talent with a quill, Cassandra mused, Varric made some of the worst jokes. Pointedly looking away from the grinning dwarf, she surveyed the battlefield and nodded in satisfaction as her archers continued to pick off the lesser shades that occasionally emerged from the rift. Then her eyes landed on Janet and Cassandra found herself wincing in sympathy... for the pride demon.
'No one man should have all that power; the clock's ticking, I just count the hours. Stop tripping, I'm tripping off the power...'
In the service of the Seekers of Truth, Cassandra had both witnessed and participated in a great many battles over her years of life. Her duties had seen her confront qunari, mages, demons, abominations, and even a handful of rogue templars. But never before had she witnessed someone engage a demon in hand-to-hand combat... and win. Brackish blood oozed from cracks in the demon's armor as it lay on its back, Janet straddling its chest as she rained blow after blow down on its increasingly deformed face. "Kanye may have terrible taste in sunglasses but his music is really fun to punch your enemies to."
'The system broken, the school is closed, the prison's open. We ain't got nothing to lose, motherfucker we rolling. Huh? Motherfucker we rolling...'
Exchanging uncertain looks with Solas, Cassandra cleared her throat before calling out to the oversized woman as she continued to pound away merrily at the pride demon's face. "I do believe he's dead, Janet. Very, very dead. Perhaps now would be a good time to turn your attention to the rift that only you can close?" After landing one last punch, Janet shot a distinctly unamused look down at Cassandra for what was admittedly a passive-aggressive comment before clambering to her feet... and then stomped down hard on the demon's head, causing it to rupture like an overripe melon.
'With some light-skinned girls and some Kelly Rowlands, in this white man world, we the ones goodnight, cruel world, I'll see you in the morning. Huh? I'll see you in the morning...'
As Cassandra fought the urge to vomit - a battle that Varric and several nearby soldiers lost - Janet scrunched up her brow in concentration. Her body folded in on itself in a similar fashion to the way it had in Haven's dungeon, quickly returning to its normal - thoroughly unimposing - height. "Got any other tactical tips for me, Cass?" Bristling at the mocking tone in the woman's voice, Cassandra opened her mouth to respond only to pause as her eyes landed on the decimated corpse of the pride demon. Perhaps, she conceded, it would be best to hold her tongue. This time. "You sure? I mean, I'm all for taking suggestions. Although maybe I should be a little more careful about whose suggestions I take. Like, I remember this one time where I ended up breaking the wrong guy's kneecaps. Boy was that embarrassing. I ended up having to go break the right person's kneecaps, and then the kneecaps of the person who pointed me in the wrong direction in the first place..."
'This is way too much, I need a moment...'