AN - This is the third installment in the Comrade Skywalker series. It follows on from COMRADE SKYWALKER: ATTACK OF THE COMRADES, which in turn is the sequel to COMRADE SKYWALKER: THE PRIVATE PROPERTY MENACE. Please consider reading said fictions first, as together they form the most efficient path to Marxist enlightenment.
Happy reading Comrades! May the Revolution be with you!
Chapter 1 - The Chancellor and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM corporately collude
Obi Wan and I flew socialistically in our Jedi cruisers, zipping past past all the oppressive battleships and dodging their racist bullets. The Jedi Council had ordered us to go and rescue that greedy fascist Chancellor Palpatine from the COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, the Sith Lord who had "kidnapped" him feudalistically, no doubt so that they further their plans for the tyrannical, capitalist future of the galaxy. We had pretended to go along with this bourgeois plan, but in fact we were going to gloriously assassinate the fascist Chancellor and spread the FUCKING REVOLUTION.
"This is where the fun begins." said my beloved Comrade Obi Wan as we were flying in our Jedi cruisers. We easily landed on Grievous' ship because he was too FUCKING STUPID to install proper defences in his landing bay. We got out of our ships and R2D2 communistically plugged himself into the ship's computer to work out their location.
R2D2 made some beeping noises and C3PO translated in a revolutionary voice, "COUNT DOOKU THE FUCKING FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE FUCKING PENIS OF CAPITALISM IS WITH THE FUCKING FASCIST CHANCELLOR. THEY ARE FUCKING ABOUT IN THAT FUCKING USELESS BOURGEOIS LIVING ROOM ON THIS DECADENT PIECE OF SHIT SHIP. THOSE TWO BANTHAFUCKERS ARE PLANNING THEIR OPPRESSIVE REGIME SO THEY CAN FUCK OVER THE FUCKING WORKING CLASS OF THE WHOLE COCKSUCKING GALAXY. THEY ARE ALSO WANKING OVER A LOT OF OTHER CORPORATE BULLSHIT LIKE FUCKING SPONSORSHIPS AND BRANDING DEALS. THEY ARE FILTHY FUCKING CAPITALIST PIGS. THEY MUST BE FUCKING ASSASSINATED IN THE NAME OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!"
Acknowledging R2D2's fine words, we comradely ran across the ship to where Chancellor Palpatine and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM were busy making their misogynist plots. We burst through the door with our hammer and sickle red lightsabers ignited proletarianly and our red Che Guevara shirts rippling in the wind because the ship wasn't properly pressurised. As we burst in, the Chancellor and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM stopped colluding to overthrow our FUCKING SUCCESSFUL REVOLUTION and Palpatine pretended to be held prisoner.
"Aren't you going to ask me if I'm alright?" asked Chancellor Palpatine in a voice dripping with capitalist hate.
"NO WE'RE FUCKING NOT!" cried Obi Wan in the voice of Stalin.
"But I am being held prisoner by Count Dooku," lied Palpatine imperialistically.
"Don't you mean COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM?" I asked. I looked lovingly at my Comrade Obi Wan.
"This time, we'll do it together," he said to me, his voice low and sovietly sensual.
"I was about to say that." I replied.
We smiled and advanced towards to bourgeois pair slowly.
"Get help. You're no match for him. He's a FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM," said the Chancellor fascistly.
"FEUDALIST PRICKS WHO SUCK ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM ARE OUR SPECIALITY." Obi Wan and I snapped back, appropriating our own fucking lines. It didn't matter because we loved each other and we were about to defeat the biggest capitalist foes in all of the galaxy.
"Your swords, please." began COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM. "We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor."
"What the FUCK do you mean swords? Do you mean our hammer and sickle lightsabers? And of course you want to make a mess YOU'RE FUCKING COLLUDING WITH HIM TO OVERTHROW OUR REVOLUTION!" I outwitted him socialstically. COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM looked dumbfounded.
"You won't be getting away this time." Obi Wan said in the voice of Che Guevara.
"I've been looking forward to this." said COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, smiling oppressively, probably because he was oppressively thinking about all the oppressed serfs that he was FUCKING OPPRESSING.
"My powers have doubled since the last time we met COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM," I smirked, even though it was a dumb line.
"Good. Twice the pride, double the fall," replied COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, his head looking incredibly spade-like.
"Actually, that's not how multiplying exponentials works," I explained in the manner of working class citizen who has studied mathematics. I exchanged a loving, socialistic glance with my husband Obi Wan and together we advanced on COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and started to fight.
The fight escalated until it was really fucking intense and I chopped off COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's hand because it was a tool he was using to oppress his serfs. I knocked COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's lightsaber out of his hand and grabbed it in my own, then held the lightsabers up to his head.
"NOOOOOOOO…. I mean... Do It! JUST DO IT!" yelled Palpatine imperialistically, getting his FUCKING LINES WRONG because he was being FUCKING CORPORATELY SPONSORED BY NIKE AND ADVERTISING THEIR SLAVE LABOUR PRODUCTS AND JUSTIFYING THEIR FUCKING EXPLOITATION OF THE THIRD WORLD.
I looked at my husband who nodded and I chopped COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's head off. It feudalistically rolled onto the ground and glared up at me with blank, dead OPPRESSIVE eyes.
Palpatine paused, taking in the situation, then smiled corporately and started talking in the voice of all the capitalist oppressors. "It is only natural. He cut off your arm, and you wanted revenge. It wasn't the first time, Anakin. Remember what you told me about your mother and the Sand People. Now, we must leave before more security droids arrive."
"Um... what the fuck are you on about, mate? My arm is perfectly fine and also my mother and Comrade Quinlan Vos FUCKING LIBERATED THE SAND PEOPLE FROM THEIR RACIST OPPRESSION BY JABBA THE HUTT!" I cried proletarianly as I reached down to grab COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's spade shaped head so that I could deliver it to a working class family, no doubt they would find it useful for shovelling dirt on their farm.