Author's Notes: I'm having immense fun with this, whether everyone is OOC or not! Dedicated to dave for helping me get my muse back. Also to be archived at my website. If you want it for whatever archive, please just ask. Please review, because reviews make me happy and happiness makes me write much better stuff than this!
Chapter Four - Lovers' Tiffs
Ron Weasley was having a very pleasant dream. Lavender was apologising profusely for being such an untrusting idiot and purposely taking his words the wrong way. Now he had grudgingly accepted her apology, and she was rewarding his forgiveness in a very pleasurable fashion. He groaned softly as her hot, wet kisses slid along his cheek.
Ron's eyes snapped open, only to squint against the bright sunshine that shone through the window. "Crookshanks? Bog off, you stupid cat!" He sat up, dislodging the fat ginger cat from his chest. He raised a hand to his head and groaned less happily when it connected with more hair than he was used to.
"Right. Shower, toilet, hair brush." He took a moment to think over this last statement as he clambered out of bed. "Possibly not in that order."
As Ron walked down towards the Great Hall he knew he was late. He also didn't particularly care. After having to wash and pee with an anatomy that was not his own, while trying not to look or touch any part of himself more than was absolutely necessary, being a bit late for breakfast didn't seem very important. As for brushing the near untamable hair, all Ron could say was that it had given him a new respect for his brother, Bill.
Ron was just nearing the entrance hall, when he felt someone grab his arm. He turned abruptly, not really in the mood to deal with whining first years who needed the Head Girl's assistance.
"Granger. A word, if you please."
Ron's gaze slid up to Draco's cold, grey eyes. He was very disappointed to say that Malfoy was now taller than him. Still, he drew himself up to Hermione's full height and yanked his arm out of Malfoy's grip. "I have nothing to say to you."
Malfoy rolled his eyes obnoxiously. "I promise to take no more than two minutes of the Head Girl's precious time."
Ron sighed. He couldn't be bothered to argue any further, and so nodded his ascent and allowed Draco to lead the way to a quiet side corridor.
"Now then," Malfoy said silkily. He turned sharply and, moving too quickly for Ron to stop him, found himself pushed against the wall with his arms pinned to either side of his body. Malfoy's snooty, turned up nose was inches from his own and his eyes were glittering with malice. "Who are you?"
Ron wriggled and thrashed, trying to loosen Malfoy's grip, but found that Hermione was not nearly as strong as her lover. "I'm Hermione, you great idiot! Gerroff me!"
"Ha!" Malfoy crowed triumphantly. "Hermione would not say 'gerroff', because she has a brain in her head." He moved slightly closer and tightened his grip on Ron's arms. He could almost feel the skin blackening to angry bruises beneath his robes. "Now tell me who you are, or I'll-"
"Draco, get off of him!"
Both boys turned their heads quickly, to see Ron's body standing at the entrance of the corridor and walking briskly towards them. Draco narrowed his eyes. "Piss off, Weasley."
Ron's body had reached the pair and now pulled at Draco's arm. "No, you don't understand. That's not Hermione."
Ron sighed. "If you'd just try a bit harder, you'll find I'm stronger than you are."
Hermione frowned at him, but yanked at Draco's arm and felt it give. She took a moment to smile at the novelty, then turned grave again. "Draco...it's...I..." She looked desperately at Ron, floundering.
"Don't let me stop you. 'Cos if he tries to snog me one more time, I'll puke down his bloody throat!"
"Very useful. Thanks Ron." Hermione sighed and ran her fingers through her short hair.
"Wait...You called her Ron." He turned to Ron, frowning. "And earlier, you called him 'her'."
He looked back at Hermione, in Ron's body. She smiled back at him, apologetically. "We had a bit of an accident, Draco."
The real Ron snorted derisively. "'A bit of an accident'? That's the under-statement of the year." He turned to face the blonde boy, whose gaze flicked sporadically between the pair. "I'm Ron, that's Hermione, we can't change back and you can't tell anyone or Professor Dumbledore will nail your arse to the door frame." Ron huffed and brushed down Hermione's robes, before noticing that brushing the breasts that now adorned his chest had a very odd effect on his skin sensitivity. He blushed lightly and cleared his throat. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to leave you two lovebirds to it. I'm bloody starving and I've missed half of breakfast already."
Ron turned on his heel and strode down the corridor with an un-knowing wiggle of his hips. "And, Malfoy," he called over his shoulder. "If you touch my body with any part of yours, I will know about it and I will castrate you. Understood?"
Draco just smirked and waited for Ron to leave before muttering, "Someone's got PMT!"
Hermione frowned and hit Draco's arm lightly. "This is no laughing matter."
Draco's smile fell as he looked into his girl/boyfriend's eyes. Eyes that were supposed to be hazel, but were blue. And several inches higher than they usually were. "So what do we do now?" he asked quietly.
Hermione sighed. "For now, we pretend everything's perfectly normal. Even more normal than usual, seeing as you won't be sneaking off to find me anymore."
"Did Weasley tell you I apologised for that?"
"Well, I did. I'm sorry."
Hermione nodded. "Apology accepted. Seeing as you won't be getting any for the foreseeable future, anyway, you may consider that your punishment." She smiled wryly. "We should go to breakfast."
She leaned forward to kiss Draco's cheek, and chuckled as he pulled away. "What are you scared of? Weasley germs?"
"That's exactly what I'm scared of!" He offered Hermione a brief smile. "You go on ahead. Don't want teachers to suspect we've been-"
"Snogging in the corridors?" Hermione suggested.
"Fighting is what I was going to say, but I don't think we'd want them to think that, either." Draco shuddered delicately.
Hermione smiled. "See you soon, Draco."
Draco just nodded and sighed as he watched the lanky redhead slouch off. He wondered to himself how such a stupid looking body could house such an bright mind without anyone else noticing.
Ron and Hermione sat next to each other during breakfast, carefully avoiding conversation with other people. Both were unsure how easy it would be to pretend to be the other, so they passed the meal in near total silence. Harry was engaged in a vigorous argument with Ginny about when Quidditch practice should begin, with occasional comments being chipped in from Neville, Dean and Seamus. Hermione could see there were times when Ron was desperate to join the conversation, but a brief glare from Hermione forced him back to his porridge.
Eventually, Hermione broke the silence by nudging Ron in the ribs and whispering, "Why does Lavender keep scowling at me?"
She watched as Ron surreptitiously straightened his back and raised his eyes to look over Hermione's shoulder. He caught Lavender scowling at his friend, before turning to an animated, whispered conversation with Parvati. "Ah," he said. "That could be my fault." He returned to his position, still whispering. "Before all this mess, I made her quite angry. And since you haven't apologised yet, you're really in the dog house."
Hermione frowned, picking at her toast. "What did you do?"
"I dared to talk to another girl."
Hermione blinked. "And?"
"That's it. Oh, wait. Apparently, I also gave her 'a look'."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "And who is this girl you've been giving looks to?"
"Actually, it's you," he replied. "But I didn't give you a look. I just got you to help me with my Potions homework."
Hermione sighed loudly. "Good grief, is that all? I don't see what you have to apologise for."
"Neither do I, but that's the way it goes."
"Well, it's ridiculous. I won't do it." She crossed her arms across her chest, looking indignant.
"I thought it was a girl rule that it's always the boy's fault." Ron had to bite his lip to keep the laughter from rising at the look on Hermione's face at being caught thinking sexist thoughts, and couldn't resist adding, "I bet it's always Malfoy that apologises to you."
"Fine," she said, sighing heavily. "For the sake of this cover-up, I will apologise. Although I don't understand why we can't tell her. I mean, we told Draco."
"For a smart girl, you can be incredibly obtuse sometimes. Malfoy may be a git, but he doesn't want anyone to know about the two of you and whatever nasty little things you get up to." Ron ignored Hermione's indignant 'Oi!' "Lavender, on the other hand, and despite her many fine qualities, is a gossip and if we told her it would be half way around the school by second lesson." Ron smiled lecherously. "Also the thought of you and Lavender snogging is much nicer than the reality of the smarmy Malfoy git sticking his slobbery tongue in my mouth."
Hermione lowered her eyes. "For the record, Draco's tongue is not slobbery. It's very talented."
"Oh, yuck! Too much!"
Hermione smirked at him, before rising from the table and walking towards Ron's estranged girlfriend.
Please review! Please? Next chapter I want to write some more Snape/Lupin interraction. Still haven't decided whether they're coupley or not. Any suggestions? Also some more from the fairy, and Hermione complaining about how useless women are!