inflicted by HiBob

This is the disclaimer. It in it I make claims but they are claims about what is not. For example, I do not own the characters or places of the Lord of the Rings. (See how it works.) As another example, I do not own the characters or places of Malcolm in the Middle. If you don't believe me ask Linwood Boomer. Also, I should note that I do not own the rights to any of the parodies and sketches of Monty Python. Finally, I should mention that the Unseen University (see Terry Prachett) does not make an appearance in this story. For those of you who think I am serious I should point out that it is a pun. Unseen? Appearance? Never mind. (No one ever gets that joke.)


This story is a crossover between two disparate sources: The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien and the Fox TV show Malcolm in the Middle. Despite the wide popularity of both the book (and movie) and the show, many people are not really familiar with the characters. This introduction is for them.


The list of characters in the Lord of the Rings is large and varied, consisting of Men, Elves, Hobbits, Ents, Orcs, Dark Riders and one dwarf. Apparently all of the remaining dwarves were on vacation at that time and were unable to be part of the story.

Frodo Baggins is the main character in the book. He is a hobbit and his task is to try to destroy the One Ring. He is a stalwart character but a bit funny in the head. After all, he is traveling to the heart of darkness and he takes as his sole companion, his gardener.

Samwise Gamgee is the gardener. He is a likable hobbit with a strange rope fixation.

Merry and Pippin are their good friends, fun loving hobbits of no fixed income. Not to say that they are bad people, but they do have a reputation among the local farmers.

Strider is the heroic figure of the story. He begins the tale as a vagabond in a tavern, and through the course of one thousand pages he works hard to improve his lot and ends up as king of the entire world. Horatio Alger would have been proud. (In the UK read Benjamin Disraeli.)

Boromir is the tragic figure. He was probably the snotty little rich kid when he was growing up. He is vain and shallow, but he has a really great death scene.

Legolas is an elf. He comes along mostly to visit all of his relatives.

Gimli is the dwarf. The only dwarf. Other dwarves are mentioned but it is mostly mentioned that they are dead. No other dwarves make an appearance long enough to be given a name.

Last and not least is Gandalf the Wizard. Gandalf only appears human, but he is a great and powerful force in the world. In the first volume he is killed. Despite this setback he still manages to play an epic part in this, uh, epic.

Honorable mention goes to Elrond who owns and operates Rivendell, also known as the Last Homely House (see the prequel). It is not clear exactly what Rivendell is. Some say it is a town. Others say it is a very large house. A third group tends toward the idea of a bed and breakfast.

Also appearing is Saruman the White, a wizard gone bad. He is best known as the evil guy wannabe. He is defeated by a bunch of trees with bad attitudes.

Two minor characters also appear in the book that are mentioned in my story. Radagast the Brown is another wizard, like Gandalf and Saruman, but he spends most of his time talking to animals. It is assumed that they talk back to him. He is considered not to ight-bray in the ead- hay. Galdor the elf is the other character. He is a representative of Cirdan the Shipwright to the Council of Elrond. The book mentions that he accompanied Legolas to Rivendell but that is about it.


Most of the main characters receive little mention in my story for the simple fact that they are off doing what they were doing in the book. Those who can, interact with the MITM characters in a way that does not interfere with the main story. At least not too much.


The cast of Malcolm in the Middle is not large and varied except for Craig Feldspar, but we don't want to get into that. Malcolm is one of four boys in the family, and he is the star of the show. This is evident by the fact that his name appears in the title. He is a childhood genius who is now a teenager, making the fact that he is a genius mostly irrelevant.

His younger brother is Dewey, a quirky child with little or no known grasp on reality. He is extremely talented in certain areas but no one in his family knows, or has bothered finding out what these areas are.

Reese is the older brother. He is rude, obnoxious and self-centered. He has a keen intellect which he almost never uses. His favorite recreation is trying to get a date.

Francis is the oldest brother. He was sent away to Marlin Academy, a military school in Alabama. After two years he dropped out and fled to Alaska where he has a miserable existence. His only solace is that Eric, a friend who also dropped out of Marlin, hates their boss, Lavernia, just as much as he does.

Hal is Malcolm's father. He is obsessive, compulsive and romantically involved with his wife. When he is at home, his main thoughts are of getting rid of the kids so he can be alone with his wife.

Lois is Malcolm's mother, and she never lets him forget it. While Hal doesn't seem to be bothered by anything, Lois wants to make sure every son of hers tows the line, keeps in step, stands up straight, etc. The main result is that she yells a great deal with no tangible results.

Malcolm actually has friends, although the term is debatable. All of them are Krelboynes, and all of them lack the same thing, personality. The exception is Stevie Kenarben, who is Malcolm's age but is confined to a wheelchair and has asthma. He does have a positive outlook on life, as well as a great deal of patience. The proof of this last part is that he is friends with Malcolm.


In the context of this story, Malcolm is in his last year with the Krelboynes. He is looking forward to next year when he finally goes to high school. In Middle Earth, Frodo has already left the Shire, and is somewhere near Bree.


In the course of the show, Malcolm will frequently address the audience by speaking directly into the camera. This is reflected by placing Malcolm's comments in italics.



01 - Disclaimer, Introduction, Table of Contents

This is self descriptive, especially if you've already read this.


02 - A Meeting in the Woods

Malcolm and his brothers arrive in Middle Earth and are ushered out of Mirkwood Forest


03 - Rivendell

The three brothers arrive in Rivendell, cause trouble and are kicked out.


04 - Last Train to Bree

They arrive in Bree and are told that they cannot stay.


05 - Interacting with Hobbits

Everyone in the Shire assumes they will be leaving.


06 - Isengard

Saruman gives them the bums rush, and they are out the door before they know what hit them.


07 - The Rocky Road to Mordor

They are not being thrown out. They are merely being relocated to a more convenient place, but that doesn't actually happen until the next chapter.


08 - Holiday at Mount Doom

This chapter begins here but end in Minis Tirith where Reese, Malcolm and Dewey are forced to leave.


09 - Epilogue

The story ends.


10 - Appendix

It was removed.