The Sledgehammer of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Dizog

Scene 1 - You Need a Tutor

They say hot air rises, but that's a lie. North High School sat atop one of the tallest hills in the city, yet it felt like the Arctic Circle. Our Admin and Education buildings resembled freezers. The Arts Building, which housed all the club rooms, could pass for an igloo.

Fortunately, Haruhi pilfered four space heaters from the owner of a downtown hardware store in exchange for advertising in our next movie. That's right. Not one or two space heaters. Not even three. Four glowing beauties spewed BTU's from every corner of the room.

The SOS Brigade clubroom was the coziest hangout in the entire school, an oasis from our bitter winter. We couldn't see through the heavy fog coating the windows behind Haruhi's desk. The entry door's smoked glass window also sweated moisture since a thrifty management team kept the Art Building but one degree above freezing to protect the pipes.

Cold December days signaled the approach of end-of-semester finals, and Haruhi Suzumiya took a keen interest in her subordinates grades. "Black Friday is coming fast," she barked from her post in front of the white board, black Sharpie in hand, "and I want to make sure every member of the SOS Brigade is maintaining an acceptable grade point average. I demand scholastic excellence from every club member, especially in our senior year."

I sat in my usual chair near the white board while Koizumi and Nagato parked across the table. The empty chair next to mine had once belonged to Mikuru Asahina, but we were seniors now and the club's lone upper-classman had graduated. I missed that girl.

Koizumi raised his hand. "My grades are quite satisfactory, Miss Suzumiya. I'm on an A-plus track in every class."

"Very good. Yuki, how are you doing?"

Nagato lifted her nose out of her book, "Straight A's," and lowered it back again.

"Good. Kyon?"

I gritted my teeth and braced myself. "I've got three A's, two B's, and a C. Geometry is kicking my butt this year."

Haruhi eyed me angrily, then wrote the letters on the board and did some math. "That works out to a 3.33 GPA. Dammit Kyon." I was starting to think that was my new name. "You aren't even maintaining an A average!" She placed her hands on her hips and bore down on me like a drill sergeant. "That's totally unacceptable. I need more from you!"

"To be honest," I said, "I'm lucky to have that C. I don't feel real good about my chances on the final either. These proofs don't make any sense to me."

Haruhi circled the letter C and smacked the table. "Unacceptable!" She shook her head, frowned, and grumbled, "I don't know what I'm going to do with you." She stiffened her spine and addressed the far side of the table. "Since you two are maintaining your grades at acceptable levels and don't need any special attention, you can head home or to the library after classes this week. Kyon, you will meet me here the next three days for tutoring until I'm confident you'll ace that Geometry final."


"No cuts, no buts, no coconuts. Be here after class tomorrow."

I expelled a deep sigh. "All right."

Our leader dismissed the club. "Have a great week," she yelled after Yuki and Koizumi as they rushed out the door. "Kick butt on those finals." Haruhi pulled on her coat, wrapped a scarf around her neck, and tossed her backpack over her shoulder.

On her way to the door, I lowered my head and tensed. I had a feeling Haruhi wanted to smack the back of my head. Instead, the girl placed her hands on my shoulders and massaged my aching muscles for a few seconds. "I'll see you tomorrow, mister." She skipped to the door and turned. "Don't forget to lock up."

"I won't," I told the slamming door.