"What You Said"

2/28/03

By: Hikari Nanase

E-mail to: hikari1612@netzero.net

Notes: a vignette with some spoilers; some aspects have been added.

~*~*~*~

                The last thing you said to me was: "If you need help, we're here. Remember that we're not only your allies, but your friends…"

                Well, that damned thing you said to me was something I didn't look at until recently. Probably, I was so conceited with my new powers at the time that I didn't even rate the value of each word you chose. But then again, that's just me. I never rate my words, so why should I bother to rate a stranger's?

                Even now that's how it is among us- or so it seems. You're the stranger. 'Weird guy,' I'd say- the moment you'd flicker off somewhere. Often times I'd think you'd have a personal vendetta against me, but those times were always the reverse.

                Yeah, it was the reverse. When Botan let you loose, I was ready to say 'good riddance.' It didn't bother me- you leaving. You had a talent for doing that anyway; fuck me if I gave a shit.

                In the end, you saved my ass. I would have been turned into brained compost if you didn't kill Sniper. You were somehow different then. You stood cold and calm as always, and you told me: "It was too soon for me to die."  After that, you walked on, fucked up his heart with your sword, and played me for a fool.

                Good thing you did. I would have gotten all of us six feet under if your didn't use your psychology on me and leveled my temper off. You said things to me the way Genkai would: "Take your time. Be at ease. Focus. If you want to save your idiot friend, take care of your own shit first."

                You talk like a killer and teacher. In spite of your sharp tongue, you didn't bull shit anyone if you didn't need to. I think I liked that part of you most. 'To hell with being nice. Screw it. I'll be a bastard instead.' That's the way you think, isn't it? I guess I also understand part of the reason that's your way now. Act like a bastard ninety-percent of time, and whenever you do favors, it isn't insincere. Yeah, that's what I liked about you.

                'Course, you scared the piss out of everyone's pants whenever you walked by. Didn't seem to bother you though. People would stare at you- I knew it. Whatever business they had going on in their minds is jack, but deep down, I could tell… I could tell you hated it.

                That's why you sat by the window, sat on tree limbs, or wherever the hell it was where you could be the watcher. I used to think it was your way of mocking my race and all the other dumb asses in the world. Wrong, but part of me knew better. Truth was, you pitied us for being such shallow morons. That's why you watched from far away. You were claustrophobic of people. Too many of them and you'd be stranded in a sea of idiots. I think that scared you.

                 The last thing you said to me was: "If you need help, we're here. Remember that we're not only your allies, but your friends…"

                I keep thinking about this. You say you, Kuwabara, and Kurama are there to help in any way you guys can... My instinct tells me you meant something more.

Of late, I talked with Kurama and Kuwabara about it too. Kuwabara's pretty smart, and Kurama a regular fire demon decoder. One time, at the Ankoku Bujutsukai- the time you used that Kokuryhua on Zell- Kuwabara told me your promise. He nearly wet himself, he admitted. That black dragon was enough to turn his reiken into a pathetic popsicle stick. Anyway, that promise was: "Not to worry. You were on our team from the beginning and would be there to the end."

                You know what Kuwabara thought you meant? The end is ambiguous. What the hell does that mean? The end of the tournament? The end of the mission? What? There's no answer to that, and that's how you intend to keep it. So long as we never figure it out, your loyalty would always be with us. You clever son of a bitch.

Evidently, you kept your pledge. I guess it's in you to never break one. The girls and the others told me what I missed when Genkai gave me the spirit sphere. You didn't lose one match. Not a one. 'Damn', I thought. 'Not a one.' Kuwabara was just as amazed. Told me you used a sword of black and green fire to slaughter Kuromomotaro. Said you were bruised and scratched as hell, but wanted to keep on fighting. Terrified everyone but Kurama shitless, you did. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't have made it past the semi-finals. Koenma thinks this is a fact, and Kurama and Kuwabara aren't about to disagree.

                 Kurama had another story too. He said you liked him. Sometimes he exploited that, and you exploited him for exploiting you. A mutual thing I guess- something like me and Kuwabara. Difference is, you two were quiet while we were loud. Everything was shared between you guys, so Kurama says. Surprised me to find out he tried to kill you. That's right. I know. When you were sent to Reikai, Kurama tried to kill you on your way there. He stabbed you through your stomach, didn't he? The same way you stabbed him. He shouldn't have done that. You called him a traitor. In a way, he stabbed you twice. Kurama confessed his mistake. He regrets it, but says nothing. Apparently you hate apologies.

I'll never get you guys- always standing together in dead silence like you're both ready slit some person's throat. Kurama said you were good friends, just like you and me. It was a violent sort of relationship. One, he said: "that makes lost blood and saved blood equal in worth." It's that aspect in Kurama you appreciated and admired- the part of him that was wickedly poetic and dangerous. In a way it brought Makai right beside you when you felt homesick.

Now that you're back home, things are reversed again. You visit Kurama- you visit us- when home is too much for you. Always, you bring nothing to us. You sit there on our windows: Genkai's, Yukina's, Kurama's, or mine, whatever, and give us your clamped mouth…

It's actually very soothing.

So… you're our friend. It makes sense to me, in a bizarre way. By saying you'd be here for me in front of everyone like that, you told the others that you'd be there for them too. As usual, you kept your words careful and tight. That's the way it is with you. You're a wall. You're cold and hard.

They'd all say: 'He's a stonewall. Unshakable. Careless.' But what does a stonewall really do? What does it do rather than what it looks like it's doing? It protects, and we are the people standing behind your barricade. You don't like it, but you do it. No glory required.

We all know it. We acknowledge it and say zip. You return us the favor. You save our lives and say zip.

                The last thing you said to us was: "If you need help, I'm here. Remember that I'm not only your ally, but your friend…"

                I guess after that… saying anything more would just be stupid.