I don't know what I am.
I used to know, when I was a boy. I had a clear definition of it. I was a
child; I was my mother's
son...her one true light. I lived to watch her smile. I could do anything. Then it happened.
Destiny. Hated destiny slapped me in the face. It took away my chances, my dreams, my mother, everything. I was marked and there was nothing I could do to defy it. I grew up at twelve...became adult…all in the course of one night. I don't remember it clearly. I don't want to.
Memory is pain and pain is emotion and emotion is weakness. And I am not weak.
Weakness is intolerable. If I were weak I
would be a
child still. Bowing to the emperor's every command. I would have lost myself in
my cowardice. And yet...in my strength...I don't know who I am. Delicious irony...hated
irony. As ironic as the sign that gleams on my forehead. Kokoro. Heart. I have no heart any more. A heart
is warm but inside I am cold. Ice. Lost.
I found another who was as empty as I was. I saved her...and left without a word. Later...when we met again her heart was beating. It wasn't just beating for her...but for me. She was foolish. I didn't need a heart and as much as she tried to share it, I pushed it away. She never relented. Her heart still beat for the both of us. She never really grew up. Her childish passion...her weakness...flamed inside her always. Right up until the sword she took for me. The flame died. She was a child. She was a weak child. Gods I miss her. And yet I do not.
Because longing is an emotion
and emotion is weakness and I am not weak.
My destiny came of
course. A child...but a much older child then I ever was. So
vindictive and so
young. She reminded me of myself...except her
heart beat still and I hated
her for it. I used her. Turned her to my own ways. Used her weakness
against her when she thought she was getting the upper hand. She wasn't a
fool...naive...yes...but no fool.
I hated my adversaries.
Those damned fools. Death could not separate them. Love bound them together as
surely as it tore them apart. Why should they be so happy? As bound to destiny as I was and yet they accepted it and prospered from it. Their flames never died, but instead rose from the ashes of their bodies like that damned god of theirs. Their destiny...a
younger child. Weak with emotion...foolish...naive yet she won over even my miko's dying heart and revived it. How can one be so weak be so strong? It makes no earthly sense.
I wished to be a god. Gods have no use for hearts. I would have been stronger than Seiryuu of that I am sure. Stronger than even Tenkou. But it's pointless to dwell on it. It never happened.
My destiny betrayed me and in one well timed movement I was killed by a boy. A boy who refused to truly hate because he cried for me. He cried for my death, rubbing his emotion in my face. Love is stronger.
But love is an emotion and emotion is weakness and
I who had none was killed by it. I hated. I hated everything. Hate…hate is an emotion...and emotion
is weakness and in that sense I was the most powerless of all.
But the light is
returning. I am being reborn and my memories are leaving me. I know who it is, who
my mother is. She is not my old one. Her heart beats for me again and again she
gives me life. We are inexplicably bound...closer then the lovers we were. I
love her. Yet love is emotion and emotion is weakness...but strangely, ironically....weakness is life. And I want to live again.
I don't remember. I don't know who I am. Except that my heart is beating and it's warm. It is not time to wonder such things. It is time to sleep and dream of a bright future. Because to think otherwise is to
despair and despairing is a weakness.
I am not weak.
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