Hard to Deliver

Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Edward 'The Package' Cullen loves his life. He's good looking. Every woman wants him. He has every red-blooded, heterosexual male's dream job. He's a porn star. He's the porn star. He has a giant cock and a giant ego. At least, that's the opinion of the woman who has decided that she has the worst job in the world, Miss Bella Swan.

"Swan! Get over here. 'The Package' is hangin' when he should be bangin'. He needs you to rub your beautiful boobies all over his balls so he can make some magic and bone some bitches!" he bellows at the dark haired beauty across the room. He stifles a grin as she rolls her eyes and walks over to him as slow as she possibly can.

"Cullen, the day my tits come in contact with your testicles will be the day you'll need to visit me in Bellevue," she says with a sneer.

"Oh, Swan," he laughs, "you know you love me."

Bella grimaces and says, "You get my hand or you find some other moron to rub their boobs on your disease-ridden balls."

"That'll never happen, Swan. 'The Package' already told you. You're the exclusive property of 'The Package' when you're on this set, and 'The Package' will use only his favorite re-animator when his package needs to be re-animated. And you know how you're supposed to address me, Bella."

Bella clears her throat and starts over, complete with finger quotes, "'The Package' is never going to put his testicles on my tatas. Now, can I get on with the hand job or do I need to start with the Taylor Swift song catalog to get my point across?"

Edward frowns and asks, "What do you mean, the Taylor Swift song catalog?"

Bella starts singing and Edward struggles not to laugh. "You-OOOOU will never, ever, ever put your balls on my boobs."

He glares at her and gestures for her to get on with it, so she licks her palm and starts the arduous task of helping 'The Package' to deliver his package.

As she strokes his cock—making sure to gently twist and squeeze the head at the end of the upstroke—just the way he likes it, he groans and bites his lip to keep himself from screaming his feelings for her, because she can never know.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Bella storms into her apartment after the infuriating day she spent at work. Her evening is filled with pacing and screaming profanity-laced tirades about Edward 'The Package' Cullen.

The amusement on the faces of her roommates, along with the fact that they are reciting everything she is saying right along with her, lets her know that she has said these same exact things about him before. Many. Times. Before. They know it by rote.

Bella throws herself down on the sofa and whines to her friends. "I just can't do it anymore. I have to quit. Nothing is worth this torment."

Alice, her best friend since third grade, sits down beside her and puts her arm around her shoulder while softly saying, "Oh, sweetie, you know you just want him to punish your pink taco with his purple-headed pork sword."

Bella scowls at her tiny but annoying friend. "No, Ali, I really don't. He's insufferable. Do you know he insists that I refer to him as 'The Package' all the time? Do you also know that he refers to himself in the third person as 'The Package' all the time, as well?"

Rosalie, her other roommate and best friend since the fourth grade, sits down on the floor at Bella's feet and very seriously says to her, "But, Bella, you know what they always say. One minute you hate his guts, the next minute he's up in your guts. Things change quick."

Bella falls over and plants her face in the remaining unoccupied cushion and screams in frustration. Her friends collapse on her because they are laughing so hard they can't hold themselves upright any longer.

Bella sits back up and sighs again. "He's so hot," she whines, "but every time he opens his mouth I want to shove a ball gag in it."

Rose gasps and says, "Maybe you should! Just think about it. The next time he screams at you to get your ass over there and assault his anaconda, tell him you want to do it in his dressing room. When you get there, shove that gag in his mouth and mount up!"

Alice squeals and laughingly says, "Do that! You know he's definitely an E-ticket ride! Don't you want to be able to say you conquered the cockmonster?"

Bella giggles to herself. "No. But that's an idea that has some merit. I wonder how 'The Package' would react to having something shoved in his mouth for a change."

The three girls snicker and, unbeknownst to her, her friends start planning for Bella's next day on the job.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Edward steps into his apartment and turns on some quiet classical music. He goes to his kitchen, grabs a couple of beers—because he's too lazy to go back and get another one after he finishes the first—and drops down on the couch while guzzling the first beer.

When his best friends, Jasper Whitlock and Emmett McCarty, get there, they each file into the kitchen, grab a beer and go sit with Edward.

"So, what's going on with you tonight?" Emmett asks.


"But why are you sitting here drinking with your depression music going?" Emmett asks.

"No reason."

Jasper raises an eyebrow and goes in for the kill. "You're sitting here in the dark, listening to 'depression music'—as Emmett calls it. You are thinking about Bella again, aren't you?"

Edward looks over at Jasper. "What makes you say that?"

Emmett and Jasper look at each other and laugh before Jasper tells him, "Because you're sitting here listening to your 'depression music' and drinking. Every time you finish a shoot where Bella is your 'fluffer' you do this."

Emmett taunts Edward in a childish, baby voice, "Awww, widdle Eddie wikes widdle Bewwa but widdle Bewwa would wather kick him in the cwotch and spit on his neck than date him. Poor Eddie."

Edward groans, "She hates me. How can I get her to not hate me?"

Jasper laughs and says, "Well, not insisting that she refer to you as 'The Package' whenever she speaks to you might be a start."

Edward snorts before speaking. "But that's my favorite part. You should see the anger that shows in her eyes when I remind her to call me 'The Package'—it's hilarious. I can't give that up. Today, she rolled her eyes so hard I thought they were going to drop out of her head."

"Oh, I'm sure she's seen the inside of her own brain, by now," Jasper laughs.

"Just be careful, Edward. You don't want her to have them get stuck that way," Emmett offers with a wink.

"After I told her to come over and rub her tits on my balls she started singing some stupid Taylor Swift song to me. It was all I could do to not laugh at her."

Astonished by what Edward just said, Jasper just looks at him for a moment before asking, "You actually told her to rub her tits on your balls?"

"It's getting harder and harder to piss her off. I sometimes have to go for shock value to get her angry. And combining something like that with making her call me 'The Package' all the time generally gets results."

Emmett levels a look at Edward before saying, "You do realize that if you didn't piss her off, there would be a chance for her to like you, right? Thereby making the chances of her rubbing her tits on your balls a lot higher than they are right now. Tell me you get that."

"But why would she want to date a porn star? She's too good for that," Edward whines.

"Um, she regularly tugs your tallywacker, so I'd say she's okay with it. If she wasn't, she wouldn't work there and she definitely wouldn't work with you," Emmett responds.

Edward gasps. His eyes open comically and his mouth drops open. "She's warm for 'The Package's form!" he all but shouts. "She wants 'The Package' to plow her promised land! She thinks 'The Package'–"

"Dude. If you say 'The Package' one more time I'm going to rip your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody end of it," Emmett growls.

"Wow. Okay. Aggressive much?" Edward responds.

"I'll hold you down for him," Jasper tells him.

"Okay, when I'm here, I'll try to stop. But work is a different story." He sighs and rubs his temple.

Emmett punches Edward on the arm and tells him, "Bella digs you, man. If she didn't, why would she still be there? You've got nothing to worry about."

Jasper takes up from where Emmett leaves off by saying, "I agree. I think Bella likes you, too. What if you guys work out and she asks you to stop working in porn? What will you do?"

Edward laughs. "It's not like I think this will be my career forever, right? I'm taking money to fuck on camera. That's it. I don't want to direct or write scripts—at least, not for porn. But I'm putting a lot of money in the bank and investing it. When I'm finished fucking for money, I can travel and do whatever I want. Honestly, I could stop working right now and not ever have to work again if stay within my means. I have absolutely no problem quitting if that's a deal-breaker for Bella."

Jasper stares at Edward for a moment, gauging his friend's sincerity. What he sees there convinces him that Edward is serious about Bella, so he tells him, "Look, Edward, what I'm about to tell you can't leave this room. You know the girl I'm dating?"

Edward thinks about it for a second, and remembering that he's met her a couple of times, replies, "Alice, right? Sure, she's a great girl."

"She's also Bella's roommate. I've met her a few times, but she doesn't know that I know you."

"Why? Why don't I already know Alice is Bella's roommate?"

"Honestly? I don't want you badgering Alice about her."

Edward looks at Jasper and cocks an eyebrow. "You and Emmett just managed to convince me that while Bella would rather break my dick off and shove it up my ass sideways than speak a civil word to me, she may actually like me. Tell me, why on earth would I ever badger Alice about her, if up until this point in time, I've been thinking that Bella can't stand me?"

"Maybe because once you get something in your head you become obsessed to the point where you won't let it go and it gets so annoying that everyone around you wants to rub you on a cheese grater and throw salt at you before shoving you into a tub full of lemon juice."

Emmett happily chimes in with, "Do you remember liking Janey from Volturi Virgins—gawd that's a cheesy name for a porn studio, by the way—and upon hearing she was into you, trying everything you could to get into one of their videos, sending her flowers and candy, and otherwise making it known you're a crazy, stalker-y fucker and she ended up getting a restraining order on you…" Emmett trails off when he sees the look Edward is giving him.

"You're the one who told me to do that shit!" Edward yells.

"How was I supposed to know she just wanted a ride on the Edward Cullen Express and didn't want a relationship?" Emmett gives Edward his best innocent smile, complete with dimples.

"I'm never taking advice about women from you again, McCarty. Jasper? What do you think I should do about Bella?"

"I think you should just be straight with her and ask her out on a date," Jasper answers.

"No, she'd never say yes. I think I have to goad her into it. Make a bet with her, or something."

"I like that idea. You could bet her that she has to go out on a date with you if she doesn't remember to call you 'The Package' for a whole day on set. Or, you could bet her that she can't go a whole day on set without you being able to tell when she's getting pissed at you!" Emmett declares.

"Hmmmm, those ideas have some merit," Jasper says. "Let me ask Alice about Bella. I'm sure she can tell me the perfect bet to get her to accept the challenge."

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

The next day, Bella is sitting in her room working on homework for her Feminist Theory class when Alice and Rosalie burst in with a couple of shopping bags each.

"What are you two doing?" Bella asks warily.

"We have important supplies for you to use on your mission to bounce on Edward's baloney pony," Rose answers.

"What!? Why would I need supplies?"

"Bella, you can't just go up to Edward and shove a ball gag in his mouth and expect him to sit down and let you mount him," Alice explains.

"Right. And it's been a long time since you had sex and you've only tried with teeny weenies. You haven't even been fortunate enough to sample an average-sized sausage. You have to work your way up to something the magnitude of the size of Edward's mammoth man-muscle," Rose continues.

"So, I brought you some tastefully slutty lingerie, for the day you decide to cash in that E-ticket," Alice continues.

"And I brought you some toys with which you can puncture your pink petunia," Rose finishes.

Bella can feel the blush starting at her toes and working its way up her body. She's ready to bolt from the room when it finally reaches her face. Both Alice and Rose reach out to keep her from leaving before Alice continues, "The lingerie isn't out of your comfort zone, Bella. I just bought a couple of nice matching bra and panty sets. They aren't trashy, and they reveal just the right amount of skin and will look amazing on you," Alice soothes while she takes the first set out of the bag.

Holding her breath while looking at the white lace bra and boy shorts Alice holds up, she gives in to the urge to touch them and see if they are as soft as they look.

Alice places that set down on the bed and reaches for the second bag. From it she withdraws a deep blue silk camisole with matching bikini panties. Bella reaches out to touch them, as well, and she says, "Wait a second, you guys, I don't want to fuck Edward."

"Who do you think you're talking to, Bella? We know you like him. You want him more than you wanted the bike Charlie got you for Christmas when you were in fifth grade," Rose snarks.

"Besides," Alice continues, "I got up to get a drink of water last night and I heard you moaning you love him and want to polish his pole."

"Alice! I was doing no such thing! I was awake when you got up to get your drink and I heard you," Bella retorts.

"Liar," Rose accuses. "I've heard you before, too."

Bella's blush darkens and she bites her lip before blurting, "Okay, I will own the fact that I think he's hot. But all that hotness is wrapped around such a conceited douche-bag that I won't give him the satisfaction of even thinking about nailing him. If he ever finds out that I am even joking about it, I'll never hear the end of it. And I thought we were just joking yesterday when I said I wanted to shove a ball gag in his mouth and ride him like a rocking horse. Besides, why would he ever want to have sex with me? He's got every gorgeous woman he works with falling all over themselves to slobber on his schlong-a-palooza."

"Oh, shut up, Bella. You're beautiful. Your body is amazing and your legs are so long they go on for days," Rose scoffs.

Alice looks at Bella and offers, "Bella, you know Jasper, right?"

"Yeah, he's a great guy, Alice."

"Did you know that he's also one of Edward's best friends?"

"Nooooo!" Bella buries her face in a pillow before continuing. "You haven't been telling Jasper what I've been saying about Edward, have you?"

"It slightly offends me that you would even ask that, Bella. I would never talk about you like that to Jasper. But, Jasper told me about how Edward goes on and on about the girl who 'fluffs' him at work. Edward really likes you. Jasper doesn't even know that you work with Edward, and he told me that Edward has a major thing for you. That's why he has it in his contract that if you're available, you're the only one he wants performing the 'fluffer' function. And, you told me you only use your hand to wank his wand, and from what I understand, most fluffers use their mouths to accio erectio, but you refuse to gobble the goblin of anyone on any porn set. Basically, Edward's the only reason you continue to have a job."

By then, Bella is feeling like her blush has reached nuclear status and she is feeling slightly lightheaded. Could it really be possible that Edward likes me?

"I think 'The Package' really wants to insert his tab-E into your slot-B," Rose jokes.

Finally, Bella decides that she should take the advice of her two best friends and take delivery of 'The Package' with her name on it. She takes a deep breath before saying, "Okay. What should I do?"

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Bella is scheduled to work with Edward the following Tuesday. Rose advises her to use the toys every night, working her way up through the sizes. "Bella, I didn't get you anything as big as Edward, because you want to be able to feel him, but you don't want him to split you like a lumberjack would a cord of wood, either. You have to work your way up to taking the super-sized schmeckel. You need preparation. Like when you need training wheels before a two-wheeler. And always remember … Lube. Is. Your. Friend. Learn it, know it, live it. If you really like each other, you don't want a bad sexual experience to get in the way of what could otherwise turn out to be a good relationship."

"Thanks, Rose. I appreciate your advice. I would have probably just jumped on and split my slit," Bella laughs.

"Yeah, you definitely don't want that happening. I know it's embarrassing, but if you can't discuss it with your best friend, you probably have no business doing it with Edward. Right?" Rose bumps Bella's shoulder with her own and giggles.

"You're right. So, which one do you think I should start with?"

"If I were you, I would start with the smallest and work my way up from there," Rose says with a wink. "Each of the toys has a slightly different feature and they all feel good. I have, or have had, them all. I wouldn't give you something without first trying it myself. How could I recommend them, otherwise?"

Bella blushes and replies, "Ehrm, I'm sure I never needed to know that about you. Thanks ... I think."

"Well, I'll just leave you alone, now. I'm sure you want to get started shining your sideways smile," Rose says with a laugh as she walks out the door.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

It's Monday now, and Bella is feeling slightly more comfortable about her plan. So much so, that she even ventures, alone, to a sex shop and purchases the gag she wants to shove into Edward's mouth.

When she gets home, Alice and Rosalie are both there. With a giggle, she holds up her bag and asks, "Would you like to see what I bought for Edward?"

Her roommates both laugh and agree. Bella pulls the item from the bag and with a flourish, she holds it up. Rosalie and Alice gasp when they see the gag in her hand and Bella chuckles to herself.

"Bella, I can't believe you're going to shove that thing in Edward's mouth!" Alice yells.

Rosalie is laughing so hard she isn't making any sounds and falls off the couch. When she can finally speak, she screams, "Oh, lord. That gives new meaning to the term ball gag!"

The gag in Bella's hand straps around the wearer's head. It's reversible, with both a ball and a penis which can be inserted in the mouth of the wearer. But the best part about the gag is the fact that underneath the fake penis hangs a perfectly articulated set of testicles which are supposed to rest on the chin of the person being gagged, no matter which way it's worn.

"Hey, I watch him shove his cock into the mouths of more women than I can begin to count. And not one of them can take him balls deep. I think Edward should finally get to experience what it's like to have nuts on a chin for himself," Bella says with an evil glint in her eye.

"Ooh, you're demented, Bella. How pissed do you think he'll be?" Alice asks.

"I don't care how pissed he gets. He's got it coming to him after all the times he's pissed me off," Bella retorts.

"Amen, Bella!" Rosalie shouts and holds up her hand for a high five.

"How are you going to get that in his mouth?" Alice asks.

"I'm going to blindfold him and cuff his hands to the pipe behind the sofa in his dressing room." Bella dangles from her finger a pair of handcuffs she got from her police chief dad. "Genuine police issue," she says with a grin.

Rosalie laughs and says, "You should really take pictures of that."

Bella shakes her head before saying, "I'm just fucking with him. I don't want to humiliate him, or anything. I'm trying to get laid, not fired."

"I like your plan, Bella, but if I were you, I'd remove that gag after a few minutes. You really want his mouth available for other things, you know?" Rosalie says with a wink.

"You can tell him he needs to put his tongue to better use than pissing you off!" Alice shouts.

"I'll have to remember to say that to him before I sit on his face," Bella agrees.

"Well, my young Padawan, tomorrow's the big day. I think you're truly ready," Rose says while wiping away a fake tear.

"Use the Schwartz, Bella," Alice solemnly intones.

"I will, and it's to my benefit that his Schwartz is bigger than mine," Bella manages to get out before all three girls dissolve into laughter.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

The evening before he is supposed to work with Bella again, Edward is with Jasper and Emmett. The three men are arguing about the best way to get Bella to agree to a bet with Edward.

Jasper shakes his head and states, "I'm telling you, Edward, Alice said Bella can't resist a challenge like this. If you bet her that she can't get you hard within three minutes, she won't be able to say no. Better yet, make it a minute. You won't have to hold back so much and we all know you get stiff every time she walks in the room and the only reason she still has that job is because of you."

"But if I challenge her and I lose, I'll lose any shot I have with her," Edward argues.

"Do you really think that being able to get you hard is a turnoff for her? Why else is she putting up with your ridiculous demands if she isn't into you?" Emmett challenges.

"Oh, I don't know, Emmett … I mean, it's not as if she doesn't get a really good paycheck for jerking on my joystick. It'd be the perfect job if she didn't have to put up with my bullshit, right?" Edward snorts, then continues, "I've only heard her say that a million times."

"Well, maybe, if you didn't act like King of all Douchebags she wouldn't want to stab you with a meat fork." Jasper then rests his closed fist over his heart, bows his head and solemnly says, "Rest in peace, Tara Knowles Teller."

Emmett and Edward follow suit and lower their heads, as well—actually, Edward scoffs to himself that he can't believe it's been almost three years since Gemma killed Tara on Sons of Anarchy and Jasper still isn't over it—then Edward asks, "Jasper, what should I say to get Bella to take the bet?"

"Oh, that's easy … just tell her that if she doesn't accept the bet, everything she hates is just going to get worse. That you'll have no choice but to think that she secretly loves you tormenting her. Now, of course, you're under no obligation to do anything and it would probably go better for you if you don't if she doesn't take the bet. Try to remember that so you don't come off all rape-y." Jasper grins. "But she'll take the bet, if only to stop you from getting worse."

Emmett nods. "You could threaten to have it put in your contract that she's the only 'fluffer' you'll work with and demand that she is on set for every shoot you do. She'll either have to take the bet, or she'll start looking for another job. And there's no job out there that pays as much as what she gets for so little work, not to mention the crazy easy schedule she has."

Edward smiles an evil smile. "Watch out, Swan. 'The Package' has a delivery for you."

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

After the guys leave, Edward makes sure he's well-groomed. Inspecting himself in the mirror, he determines he has just the right amount of body hair. The last thing he wants to look like is a Ken doll. On the other hand, too much body hair lands him right in the center of missing link territory and he can't have that, either.

Edward shudders and thanks everything holy that he doesn't have back hair. He's seen Emmett without a shirt on, and from the neck down the man looks exactly like Chewbacca. He is pretty sure Emmett carries a gun to stop trappers from skinning him for his pelt.

After inspecting himself in the mirror, he gets in the shower and washes up for bed. While he's drying himself off, he practices how he will challenge Bella to the bet.

"Swan, 'The Package' thinks you should accept a little wager he has for you."

"Bella, 'The Package' is wondering if he can interest you in a little bet."

"Can you imagine how much more wonderful it will be to make 'The Package' hard from on your knees? 'The Package' wants to have that written into his contract. But if you take his bet, he won't rush to get that done."

Lying in bed, Edward laughs to himself. He just knows she won't be able to refuse the bet, especially after he threatens to have something even more ridiculous than what is already there added into his contract.

And that is the last thought that goes through his mind before he falls to sleep.

On Tuesday, Edward wakes up at the crack of noon and gets ready for his day on set. He grins at himself in the mirror as he decides on the terms of the bet he wants to make, and how he can get her to take said bet.

Driving to the studio in his fully-restored, '67 Chevy Camaro with a custom paint job—just like the one in Better Off Dead—he thinks to himself how much nicer it would be to make the drive with Bella beside him.

In truth, he really is in love with her and he wants them to have a good relationship. And if he can get her to loosen up a little and admit that she has feelings for him, too, then he'd consider himself an extremely lucky man.

She just has to take him up on his bet. He won't allow himself to consider the possibility that she won't.

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Bella has a good feeling about how her day is going to play out when she pulls into the studio parking lot in her ancient red pickup truck. She thinks to herself about how all of her friends make fun of her for still owning it, but just because she is making good money at her job doesn't mean she has to spend it on making a car payment just so she can save face and own a less embarrassing car. Besides, Jake has character and when she graduates debt-free because she was willing to make these sacrifices now, she will be in a better financial position than most of her friends.

After she parks, she checks to make sure her makeup is still perfect. Satisfied with what she sees, she gets out and makes her way to the set where today's shoot is scheduled to take place.

Walking into the room, she sees Edward leaning against the opposite wall with an arrogant smirk on his face. He opens his mouth to speak to her, but forgets what he was going to say when he sees the shoes she is wearing. By the time he remembers he has something to say to her, she shuts him down by speaking first. "'The Package' needs to listen to me and shut the fuck up, for once."

He cocks an eyebrow and gestures for her to go on.

Emboldened by what she assumes to be his acceptance of her demand, she continues with her rant. "I am so sick of all your bullshit, Edward. No amount of money is worth having you treat me the way you do—"

Edward cuts her off, "What if I told you there is a way for you to end all the crap I pull on you? Would you take it?"

Snorting derisively, Bella says, "Well, that would depend on what you have in mind, Cullen. I'm not going to agree to just anything before I know what it is."

"It's a bet, and I think you'll definitely take it. The rewards, if you win, will outweigh any trepidation you're feeling right now."

Taking a moment to think about it, Bella decides that it couldn't hurt to at least hear the terms of the bet. "What did you have in mind?"

Edward does an internal fist pump before speaking in what he considers to be his most seductive voice. "It's simple, Swan. If you take the bet and win, everything stops. The ridiculous things I make you do, referring to me in the third person at all times, you being the only fluffer I work with—all of it. But if you refuse to take the bet, everything gets worse. I have a few things in mind I'd like added to my contract, and if you want to keep your job, you'll do them. But if you take the bet, win or lose, the things I want added go away and I'll even let you stop calling me 'The Package' everywhere but on set."

Bella thinks about it for a minute before asking, "What are the terms of the bet? I'd like to hear them before agreeing to it."

Edward grins. "Of course you do, Swan. You're a smart girl. And while pissing you off is one of my greatest joys in life, I will bet that you can't get me hard in under a minute, using any means you want. If I win, I go to the studio with my new demands and you'll agree to them. But if you win, everything I do to piss you off … disappears."

Bella pretends to think about it for a minute. He doesn't know it, but his bet is going to make it so much easier for her to see her plan to fruition. It will be like taking candy from a baby. She sticks out her hand with a grin and says, "Deal. And when I win, I expect you to be as docile as a newborn fawn and so polite to me that I won't be able to distinguish you from Prince William."

Edward swallows and wonders what her plan is, because from the triumphant look on her face, it is clear she has one. He gives her a cocky smirk before taking her hand in his and giving it a little shake. "Deal. But when 'The Package' wins, he's going to be wanting you to be on your knees when you use your hands to get him hard, from now on. Among other things, of course."

"Well, there's no point in delaying this, is there? Let's go in your dressing room and get this over with, shall we?"

"That eager to get your hands on 'The Package', Swan? I've always known that deep down you love me," Edward teases with a cocky grin.

"I'd love to make you shut up. There's a difference."

"Just admit it, Swan. It'll be so much better when you do," Edward says with an intense stare into her eyes.

"I don't even like you, Edward. But I could, if you didn't always try to be the Ann Coulter of porn," Bella says so quietly it's nearly a whisper.

They reach his dressing room and Edward pauses to allow Bella to enter first. When she turns around, she gestures for him to sit down on the sofa against the wall.

"Well, Swan, you've got me here. What are you going to do with me?"

"Take off your clothes, Edward."

He looks at her for a moment before getting up and complying. When he is finally naked, she gestures again for him to sit.

"Sit in the middle, please, and interlock your fingers behind your head."

"This is starting to sound like you're gonna frisk me. Why would you need to do that? I'm naked," Edward laughs.

"Do what I tell you and keep your mouth shut, Cullen."

"Just let me know when to start timing, Bella."

"You'll know when. It will be very clear."

He squirms just a bit in his seat and she shakes her head again. "Don't move. At all."

She takes off the trench coat that is covering her attire and looks to see the expression on his face. His eyes pop wide open and his jaw is slightly agape. Not only is Bella wearing the sexiest pair of 'fuck me' stilettos, but the view only gets better to him on the way up.

Her bare legs are long and as his eyes follow their lines, they disappear into a short, tight pencil skirt that makes every naughty librarian fantasy he's ever had come to life right in front of him.

The lacy blue button-up shirt she's wearing is nearly see through. If it weren't for the silky camisole under it, he'd be able to just make out the slightly darker areas of her areolae and nipples through the soft looking fabric.

Edward closes his eyes and swallows hard, because he knows he's going to lose the bet. What she is wearing is already causing his cock to twitch and she hasn't even touched him yet. He shifts in his seat yet again, and Bella sucks her teeth.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I told you not to move. What am I going to have to do to get you to comply?"

She grabs something out of her bag and tells him to close his eyes. Watching him to make sure he keeps them closed, she walks over to him. She sets the items she pulled from her bag down beside him, then straddles his lap before tying a silk scarf over his eyes.

He gulps and lets out a shuddering sigh. "You smell so good, Bella."

"I told you to keep your mouth closed. You really don't think you need to do what you're told, do you? Well, you're wrong. Time starts now. Count in your head, if you can."

With that, Bella grabs the handcuffs she'd placed on the sofa next to him and fastens one over his right wrist, pulling it back behind the pipe that runs vertically from floor to ceiling behind his sofa. She grabs his left hand and brings it back to join the right before fastening the second cuff.

"I told you not to move, Edward. You kept moving, so I had to take steps to make sure you stop." She can feel that he is already starting to get hard and it's only been a few seconds since she placed the first handcuff around his wrist.

"You've made a living shoving your cock into women's pussies … into women's mouths. I think it's time you find out what it feels like to have something shoved in your mouth, for a change, don't you?" With those words, Bella grabs the ball gag and applies lube to the dildo. She then shoves the ball into his mouth before fastening the straps and making sure the fake testicles are lying just so on his chin.

"I've seen women suck your cock, but nobody's ever been able to take it all the way in. Poor baby, you've never experienced the sensation of your balls resting on someone's chin. I've decided to help you out with that. Do you like it?"

It's been approximately fifteen seconds since Bella snapped the first handcuff closed and Edward is already hard as titanium. He knows he's already lost the bet, but he wants to see where Bella is going to take this from here so he doesn't do anything to indicate that he wants this to stop.

Bella gets up from his lap. He can hear the sounds of her clothing dropping to the floor and he doesn't know what he wants more—to keep seeing her in clothing so different from what she usually wears, or to see her naked body for the first time.

He isn't expecting it when she removes the blindfold. "I only put that on you because I knew you would never go for the gag if you saw it."

Bella smirks at him when his eyes cross because he's trying to focus on the dildo standing up from his mouth. But when they widen at the sight of her naked body standing before him, her breathing hitches.

Bella climbs up onto the seat of the sofa with her feet on either side of Edward. She looks down at him and smiles. "You're going to remember this for a very long time, Edward."

With that, Bella pushes Edward's head back so it's resting on the back of the couch. She lifts up her right foot so it rests about six inches from his left ear. She grabs onto the pipe and pulls her other foot up so it's beside his right ear.

As she slowly drops into a squatting position above him, she tells him, "I'm going to fuck myself on your face, Edward, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Edward moans again and struggles against the handcuffs holding his hands away from her.

Once she lowers herself onto the pretend cock sticking out from his face, she asks him, "How does it feel, Cullen? How does it feel to know that I could be impaling myself on your cock, right now—if only you haven't been such an asshole the entire time I've known you."

And with those words, Edward 'The Package' Cullen: the ultimate porn star, the ultimate dick, the ultimate fantasy of women everywhere, came all over his chest and stomach. He lasted all of forty-seven seconds; and he was lucky he lasted that long.

Bella lets out an evil little chuckle and scoffs at him. "I guess that means I won the bet. You're supposed to be this total stud, right? Women everywhere want to climb on and ride 'em, cowgirl! You just jizzed all over yourself like a thirteen-year-old boy with his first hard on. And I haven't even really touched you. But nobody would ever believe that, right?"

Edward shakes his head, knowing that what she said was true.

"It's a good thing I decided to set up a video camera, huh? So I have proof."

Edward starts struggling to get out of the handcuffs, but he isn't going anywhere.

Bella starts laughing and says, "'The Package' needs to relax and stay still so I can make myself come. And to think, you could have been making me come like this, ooh, that feels good. If only you didn't enjoy tormenting me so much."

Bella looks into Edward's eyes and grinds down on the strap-on sticking up from his mouth. She brings her middle finger to her mouth and briefly sucks on it before reaching down and circling her clit with the moistened tip.

By this time, Edward is writhing underneath her, desperate just to touch her. He reaches for her with his fingers, repeatedly, but he is barely able to graze the calf of her left leg with the pinky finger of his right hand.

It's the sight of him straining against his bonds—fighting so hard just to touch her—that sends her over the edge. Her orgasm crashes over her with the force of an F-5 tornado just dropping from the sky, shocking her with its intensity.

When she regains her normal breathing, she gets up off of the sex toy still sticking out of Edward's mouth and unfastens the straps securing it there. As she removes it, she massages his jaw so any cramping he feels is alleviated.

"I'm going to leave you handcuffed, for now. But let's see if you can get that tongue of yours to do something other than piss me off, shall we?"

Edward nods and licks his lips in anticipation. "I've been wanting to taste you for a long time, Bella Swan."

Bella smiles and lowers herself to Edward's waiting mouth. He diligently licks and sucks her clit until she's a quivering ball of need, but in that position, without his hands, he just can't quite get her where she needs to be. "Let my hands loose! Please, Bella. I need to touch you. I want to feel you. Every delicious, edible, beautiful part of you."

As soon as she unlocks one of the bracelets of the handcuffs, he yanks his hands forward and grabs onto her ass with both hands, pressing her pussy closer to his face. He stands up, and without moving his mouth away from her, lays her down on the sofa and pulls both of her legs over his shoulders.

Once she's lying down, he is free to use his hands. With his left, he starts roaming over her curves, trying to commit them to memory. With his right hand, he slowly inserts a finger into her silky folds and gently moves it in and out of her.

When she starts grinding on his face, he wraps his left arm around her hips and holds them down so she can't move. He removes his finger and replaces it with his tongue. Her taste is addictive and he knows right then that he will never get enough of her.

With the arm holding her down, he moves his hand so that he can rub her clit, using his thumb to trace tiny circles against it. Pinching it between his first and middle fingers; anything to make her come. Just for him.

With his free hand, he begins stroking himself. He's even harder than when she had him cuffed to that pipe behind his couch. When she made him come without touching him.

He's certainly ready for her, but is she ready for him? He lets go of himself again and brings his right hand back up so he can alternate between using his fingers and his tongue inside of her.

In a matter of moments, she's writhing and thrashing through her second orgasm of the afternoon.

Edward wastes no time in bringing his face up to hers and kissing her as if his life depends on it. This wasn't ever how he envisioned having his first kiss with her, but he'll take it. He'll take everything she's willing to give him.

After kissing her, Edward looks into the brown eyes he loves so much and asks, "Can I make love to you, Bella?"

Bella wraps her arms around his neck and pulls his mouth down to hers, engaging him in a searing kiss. "I'll be pissed if you don't, Edward. I've been preparing for this day for a week, now. I'd be lying if I said I haven't wanted this for a while, and last week when you pissed me off—yet again, I went home and complained to my roommates. Again. When they started simultaneously saying everything I was saying, verbatim, mind you, I realized I had a problem. They, however, realized that I was into you and they convinced me that I should see where this bizarre attraction we have for each other takes us." She kisses him again and giggles.

"Okay, then. How do you want to do this?"

"I want you to kiss me. I want you to touch me. I want you to love me."

Edward nods. "I can do that."

Getting up, he goes to his gym bag and pulls out a condom. It was trial and error for him, over the years, finding a condom that could accommodate his size and stay on through almost anything. He finally found a brand he likes, so he has it written into every contract he signs that the studio has to provide his brand of condoms for him, and he never appears on camera without one.

"Bella, I want you to know that I've never had sex without a condom, my last test was a week ago and I'm clean. I would never intentionally put you in a position where you could potentially catch something from me. So, if you still want this, I'm ready for you," he says through the crooked smile that she's beginning to recognize as being hers alone.

"Hi. Remember me, the girl with the worst job in the world? I've seen every test since I started working here. And I know you use condoms on your shoots, Edward, despite most producers not wanting you to do it. You're a good man, Edward. I know that. And I'm ready for you, too."

"Before we go any further, are you going to want me to stop working in the porn industry?" Edward asks, ready to do anything to make her see that he truly loves her.

"We can talk about it later. It's not as if I don't work here, too, right?" Bella laughs.

He kisses her passionately and starts circling her clit with his middle finger. When he has to pull away to breathe, he drops kisses up and down her neck before kissing his way lower. He nuzzles against her collarbones and licks and sucks his way across her shoulder before kissing his way even lower to the beautiful breasts that he has always wondered about; how would they feel in his hands? Would they be heavy and pendulous, or would they be light and perky?

As he kisses across her chest from one blushing peak to the other, the thought occurs to him that, as she pointed out, she also works in the porn industry. One of his arguments to himself against being with her was that because he works in porn, he was morally inferior to her. But the idea that she has a job in the same industry, where her only job is to 'handle his package', makes her infinitely more sexy to him.

He breaks away from what he's doing and says, "I've been so stupid."

"Obviously, but what, specifically, are you talking about right now?"

"I was pushing you away and trying to stay away from you. I didn't feel like I was good enough for you because I work in the porn industry." He smiles and kisses her.

"And? What's your point?"

"The thought just now occurred to me that you work in the porn industry."

"Right. And?"

"I just realized that I was condemning myself for working in the same field as you, just because I appear on camera and you don't. I was making both of us miserable because of my hangups over what I do for a living, and you work in the same field. But for the longest time, I felt you were miles above me," he explains and then slowly opens his mouth over the nipple of her right breast to lick it and then blow on it to make it pebble up right before his eyes.

Bella takes in a shaky breath and moans, "I understand. What do you intend to do about that, now?"

"I plan to spend as much time as I can making that up to you, Miss Swan."


He slowly pumps the middle three fingers of his right hand in and out of her pussy, preparing her for the invasion of one of the biggest dicks to ever be recorded on film.

"I intend to give you an orgasm for every time I made you refer to me as 'The Package', a kiss for every time you rolled your eyes at me and a smack on the ass for every time you tried to sing to me." He laughs as he rolls them over and slaps her on her ass.

She smiles as she takes the condom from his hand and rolls it onto the biggest cock she has ever seen in person. "Just you wait, Edward. You're bound to piss me off again and I'll just have to sing to you, won't I? I may even have to shove that gag back in your mouth."

He moans when he feels the softness of her hand smoothing the latex down and then close around his erection. He chuckles and then lifts her over his throbbing cock before lowering her carefully down to the tip, where he holds her above him. "If you sing to me again, I'll have to call the police. It's cruel and unusual punishment. It must be against the Geneva Conventions, or something."

Bella starts slowly pushing herself down on his cock and moans. "It's so thick, how is it so thick?" she wonders aloud.

"I don't know, Bella. It's not like I tried to make it this big. But, if I take my time, and can convince the woman I'm with to take her time, at least until she's somewhat used to it—we both receive a lot of pleasure from it," he explains to her while kissing slowly down the side of her neck.

He sits them up and it changes his angle of penetration. She grinds down on his pelvic bone and pulls in a deep, shuddering breath. "This feels so good, Edward. Don't stop."

He responds by rolling them over and thrusting a little more forcefully into her silken heat. "Good thing I already blew my load like a schoolboy who just saw his first set of tits, huh? That just got me warmed up. I can go for hours like this."

"You don't have to go for hours," Bella pants. "I'm going to cum in about 87 seconds. You can stop then, if you want. I really want to see your face when you come, though. I've never stayed around to watch you in action. I'll bet that when you lose control like that, your face is even more handsome than it already is."

Hearing her say that to him makes Edward want to stay inside her forever, but he thinks she's probably getting too sensitive to keep on much longer. She's already had two orgasms, and a third will probably make her want to amputate the bald-headed yogurt slinger if it is still touching any part of her bikini bizkit afterward. He sits back and pulls her ankles up around his neck as he thrusts. Her hips are being supported by his thighs and her shoulders and head are resting on the cushions of his couch.

When he has her positioned the way he wants her, he languidly moves in and out of her, making sure to keep his hard dick in contact with her g-spot at all times. He brings his thumb to her mouth and says, "Suck it." She opens her mouth and moans as she sucks on it for a few seconds before he withdraws it and starts rubbing tight circles around her clit.

Her delicate hands are grasping at his knees and thighs. Her tiny fingers are digging into his flesh, seeking to ground herself with him. She can't believe the sensations that are going through her body. She never wants them to stop, but she knows that what waits for her when she finally falls over the edge of the abyss she is currently suspended over will be powerful enough to make her forget her own name.

As Bella draws closer to her orgasm, Edward slows down his thrusts even more, wanting to draw out her pleasure. But he knows he can't delay the inevitable for very much longer. So he finally speeds up and gives himself over to the gratification of finally being intimate with someone he cares about.

Bella is lost to her surroundings. She feels every stroke he makes within her, and they are glorious. She never expected to receive so much bliss from the man she previously considered so awful.

The nirvana they are both chasing is suddenly right there, rolling over both of them in waves. Both of them writhe and shudder in their frenzy.

When they return to earth, Edward pulls Bella into his arms. They kiss each other slowly, lingeringly, languidly. They stroke each other's heated skin and sigh in contentment.

Finally, Edward looks deep into Bella's eyes, winks, and speaks as only he can, "It looks like 'The Package' finally delivered, Swan."

After leveling a glare his way, Bella picks up the gag and starts to shove it back in Edward's mouth before he stops her with a laugh and a kiss.

The End

~~~~Hard to Deliver~~~~

Author's note: This was my entry in the Biggest Dick Ever contest. I've tweaked it a little because in reading through it I discovered a few errors that I missed before submitting it. I received Miss Winkles' Judge's Pick for The Bone Phone award for best euphemisms. Thank you to everyone who helped me with this debauched bit of porntastic erotic fluff by betaing and pre-reading for me.

MeteorOnAMoonlessNight, Compass54, .98, BitterHarpy, LyricalKris and Shadow Masen. You ladies are the some of the most awesome people I know.