Authors Note: I doubt you'll really get this unless you've seen 'Memento' and know who Colonel Ronson is. The reason behind this story is basically because I thought Ronson sounded like an all-American/Mills & Boon type hero, and he was so smarmy that it bugged me!
Immodest Proposal

Major Samantha Carter was elbow deep in soap suds when her doorbell rang. She grabbed a towel and wiped at her hands as she rushed to answer the door.

Without thinking to look through her spy hole she turned the handle, shock evident on her face as she recognised her visitor.

Dressed in full Air Force blues, Colonel Ronson stood before the Major, a wide grin on his face and a rather expensive looking bunch of Red Roses in his hands.

"Colonel?" Sam asked, surprised. "What can I do for you?"

"Ah, my Dear Major. " Ronson replied, his smile widening. "It is more a case of what I can do for you."

The Major's eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Sorry Sir, you've lost me."

Colonel Ronson looked meaningfully over her shoulder. All at once Sam remembered her manners and stood aside. "Sorry. Come on in."

The Colonel nodded politely at Sam as he stepped into her hallway and continued walking into the sitting room. Once there he did a quick tour of the room, before settling himself in her favourite armchair.

Now that pissed her off.

Which was rather irrational, she mused, seeing as she never actually sat there. It was just that, well, that was Colonel O'Neill's chair. Whenever he and the other members of SG1 came to visit, he always planted himself in the same chair. In fact he had done so for the last six years. Sam had long since justified to herself the reasons why it was okay to have a piece of furniture in her living room dedicated to the sole purpose of keeping her Commanding Officer happy, and that justification came down to one small point.

What no one else knew would never hurt them.

"Would you care for some coffee?" she asked her visitor, trying in earnest to keep the ice from her voice.

"No. Thank you." he replied before rising once again and crossing the room to stand towering over her - an unusual experience for Sam, seeing as she was nearly five nine in her socks. Many of the men she met were taller than her, it was just that few were ballsy enough to invade her personal space to the point where she had to crane her neck in order to meet their eyes.

Suddenly, and without warning, the Colonel shrunk by about three feet as he dropped gracefully onto one knee, the roses thrust towards her like a…well, like a bunch of flowers being thrust at someone.

"My Dearest Major," he began as she took an involuntary step backwards. "Sir?" her voice was a little croaky, shock having invaded her emotions to the point where her Larynx was considering going AWOL.

Colonel Ronson shook the flowers at her and she made a quick grab for them before the poor things were choked to death.

Apparently this pleased the Colonel, who arrogantly took it as a sign to continue.

"Ever since we first met on that fateful day back in July of the year Nineteen Ninety-Nine I have long since admired you from afar."

Ninety-Nine? Sam thought to herself, not quite believing what was going on. We met in Ninety-Nine? What the *hell* happened in Ninety-Nine?

It took her a moment.

Then the light bulb appeared.

"Edora!" she announced, rather pleased with herself. Unfortunately, it didn't please the Colonel though, who was just a little irked at her for interrupting what he considered to be a flow of poetic genius.


Sam blushed. "Uh, in Ninety-Nine Colonel O'Neill got trapped on Edora for three months, Sir." she replied by way of an explanation. "I was just trying to remember."

"Oh." Okay, so he was a little more than irked. "Then if you have quite finished reminiscing, may I continue?"

"Yeah, sure." she replied, her mind still on Laira. "Go ahead."

Ronson cleared his throat. "My darling Samantha, although I know I am superior to you in every way, I cannot help but succumb to the wishes of my heart. Call it a weakness if you wish…" he paused for dramatic effect, "…but my heart has set it's sights on you."

Sam realised he was still talking and tried desperately to pull her mind back to the present, but what she heard next even Marilyn Monroe herself would have been unprepared for.

Unperturbed by her lack of response, Ronson had taken it upon himself to continue. "With these Roses, an unworthy representation of your beauty, I have come to woo you, my dear Major, and to win your heart."

Sam blinked. "You wanna whatnow?"

"Oh, I know what you are thinking." Ronson nodded pityingly. "You feel undeserving of my love, but let me explain…" He rose from the floor and took another step towards the stunned Major, who in turn took a very large step backwards only to find herself backed up against the wall.

"…I am aware that Air Force regulations look very sternly upon fraternisation between superior officers and their subordinates, but when we marry," he smiled at his own generosity, "you will want to resign anyway, so it will not matter." Despite the look of complete shock on Sam's face, he continued unbidden. "After all, our children will need their mother around to look after them."

"Children?" Carter squeaked.

"Of course!" Ronson laughed at her naiveté. "I want to have many children with you Samantha. What with my beauty and your brains, we will be the envy of parents across the world!"

Oh God. Was it hot in here? "With all due respect Colonel…" Sam began, quickly deciding that her new mantra should go along the lines of 'Violence never solves anything'.

Ronson held up his hand to silence her. "Please," he interrupted, "Call me Ronnie."


Okay, despite the situation, she just *had* to hear the reasons behind that one.


"It's what my dear mother calls me." he smiled wistfully. "And she is just dying to meet you!" Before she could react, he reached out and grabbed her hands, cupping them between his and subsequently choking the apparently doomed flowers once again.

"Our live together will be wonderful!" he said excitedly. "Of course, we shall have to have mother come and live with us, I couldn't be without her. But I just know you and she will get along!"

Sam paled considerably. "Uh, Colonel I don't think…"

"And you won't ever have to again!" Ronson's smile was now wide that Sam kept expecting to see a glint come off his gleaming white teeth.

"Really, Colonel I…"

"Oh Samantha we'll be so happy together! I will continue to work at Stargate Command, and you and mother will watch the children! Each night I will come home to the aroma of your wonderful cooking, and after the children and mother have been bathed and put to bed, you will massage my tired feet before we retire ourselves and make passionate love until I am too tired to stay awake." He sighed. "It will be nothing short of Utopia!"

Okay, she'd definitely had enough. "Colonel Ronson." She bit out. "With all due respect, please will you just shut the hell up for one minute and let me talk?!"

It was Ronson's turn to look surprised. "Now Samantha," he said condescendingly. "I will not have you speak to me in that way when we are married. A bit of spirit is all well and good, but…"

Screw the mantra, and screw the regs. She'd had enough.

Ronson was so caught up in visions of his own paradise that he never saw the fist coming.

News spreads quickly in confined spaces, and two days later rumours of Colonel Ronson's untimely demise had spread like wildfire within a matter of minutes.

SG1 rose to greet General Hammond as he entered the briefing room that day, and he immediately gestured for them to take their seats. "I'm sure you've all heard the unfortunate new of Colonel Ronson's death yesterday morning." he began. "But Ii want to put straight any rumours that have been circulating."

Sam sat up straighter in her chair, whilst Jack eyed her concernedly. "You okay, Carter?"

She smiled. "Fine Sir."

Hammond, meanwhile, had reached into the file before him and produced a piece of paper. "This note was found by his mother just after the incident." With that, he began to read;

'Dear Mother' it began. 'By the time you read this, I shall be gone. My heart has been damaged beyond repair and I do not believe I can continue to live as I once did.'

Sam paled considerably, but no one seemed to notice as the General continued to read. 'I have been rebuffed and rejected by my Goddess who, I believe, is too overwhelmed by my masculinity to contemplate a life with me…for I can see no other viable reason behind her refusal.'

Sam snorted despite herself and the General glared at her disapprovingly before concluding the letter. 'Therefore, in the true manner befitting an Officer and a Gentleman, I have requested a transfer to a military base in Alaska, where I shall complete my tour of duty. Know that it is for your own good that I not take you with me, for Alaska is a very cold state and your arthritis will suffer. All my love, Ronnie.'

Silence descended on the meeting for a few moments, whilst Sam tried in desperation not to laugh out loud - both at the letter and at the relief she felt knowing he was still alive.

"Do we know who this woman was Sir?" Jack asked after a moment.

"No." The General replied. "All his mother would say was that she works here in Cheyenne Mountain."

Teal'c took a moment to consider all the facts. "So Colonel Ronson is not dead, as the rumours suggest?"

Hammond shook his head sagely. "No, he is dead. He was found lying at the bottom of his staircase. Apparently he was heading for the front door when he tripped on his shoelaces and fell down two flights of stairs. He broke his neck in the fall."

Jack blinked as everything suddenly fell into place. The Black Widow Curse. "Carter?" he asked slowly, incredulously. "It was you wasn't it?"

Sam just let her head fall into her hands. "Damn." she said quietly. "Not again."