"Oh Matt" I whisper softly.
It's the last thing I remember until I wake up and see Newly.
I wish it was Doc. I like Newly but I don't love him like I do Doc. And he doesn't love me like Doc does. And since he didn't, he tore my heart apart. The marshal's dead, Miss Kitty.
The arm. The arm. The damn arm. It's only an arm, how bad could it be? He has been shot so many times. How bad could being shot in an arm be?
I don't scream, I don't cry out. After years of practice, years of wearing a public face, years of people watching my every move, I've learned not to let anyone see. Even Doc. Now Newly. More importantly, Matt. It's my covenant. I hate it. My pact with Matt. I won't say how much I hurt and he won't say he loves me.
"Doc" I sob to myself and to the world I say nothing. "Oh my god Doc! I need you". I scream in head. "Don't do this to us, Doc!" I further implore.
Oh my glorious, strong, beautiful lover. You would blush so to hear me think of you this way. I quickly wonder how you think of me but push those thoughts away. I'm not sure I want to know. My confidence in your love for me is gone. I think only of our last argument, if you can count it as an argument. I argued for both of us. You, as usual, sat there and I think, listened. Although truth be told, I am never sure what you think about when we argue. You just are so still and just wait for my anger to quiet. I have told you once or twice that it's not fair. The silent treatment works so well with me. I wish I could have mastered that technique but I have a hard time holding my tongue. You don't fight fair, I remember thinking as you wrapped me in your arms and huskily whispered my name in my hair to still my angry words. I hate and love how that always works.
Oh Matt. I long to feel you again.
One of the few times we allowed ourselves the luxury of bitter angry words was after Etta Stone. Before that, any time someone claimed me as the marshal's woman it could be explained away. After that, I said anyone who really wanted to could and would figure it out. You, on the other hand, thought it was a once in a lifetime thing and that no one would ever figure it out again. I know being wrong hurt you but honestly honey, what were you thinking? The way we looked at each other gave it away even though we both thought we were being discrete.
I remember both of us trying to stay away from each other after that but neither of us having the strength to do it. And I'm glad. Matt I loved you so. I'm glad we couldn't keep away. Even though it caused us both pain.
Matt, please. Please, please hear me.
I never blamed you for the times after that, although I know you did. I wish to god you believed me when I said that. Other people's actions didn't hurt me as much as you not acknowledging me as yours. You never seemed to understand that I believed that the badge was part of you and that included it's risks to you and I.
I remember trying to explain to you how it was different when you put yourself in harms way for the badge but when I did it, it was for you. Remember Monk Wiley and Mannon? Those times I was only thinking of you Matt, my lover. Were the times you came after me only due to the badge? Was Ballard only about Papa or did you long for me as much as I longed and wanted for you? I hope not. I pray that it was you, the man, not the Marshal of Dodge who came for me.
"Matt" my heart and soul screams while my mind whispers,
I cherish you and our life together.
I long to run my hands down your beautiful chest. Beautiful, you mock. You don't understand the beauty I see and feel there. Beauty in your muscles as you pull me close and I feel the power of your strength and the tenderness as your strong arms wrap around me.
"Matt. Matt, I"
"Kitty", a soft voice says.
"Miss Kitty", another voice further demands.
It's not my name that breaks through my consciousness, but the person who speaks my name.
"Where's Doc? Is Matt alright?" I say as I try to sit up but its too quick and my head spins and I realize I'm not in Doc's office but in the Long Branch.
I shake my head and can't remember anything other than seeing Matt at the batwings looking for me and feeling what I hoped was love and not guilt.
Our love has never been easy to live with or explain. Even to those who loved us both. Doc, Chester, Quint, Newly, Frank, Sam and as much as we both didn't want to admit it, all of Dodge.
Today, I don't care. I don't care who knows or doesn't. I'm thinking of me. How often did I do that in our relationship? Not much. Now that I can look back, maybe I should have. Sacrificing myself and my heart for you didn't save any of us pain.
I want you Matt.
What happened? My head hurts so. I want to be brave, but my tears ignore me. Oh Matt. I'm afraid and I hurt. "Please help me," I implore not really expecting you to be there. My heart knows if you could be here with me, you would be but my all too logical and business sided part of me knows you can't be. Do I mean anything to you? Can you put me before your other responsibly?
No I know you can't. Most times I am okay with that. But in the dark and when am I alone I think, what am I to you? Am I enough? I know I'm not enough. Do you love me? Do I love you enough to continue to live this way? Not a wife, just your woman. The marshal's woman, your woman. Those cold hard words sound harsh but in reality they fill me with tenderness, devotion and pride. Those who don't know us talk about us without understanding our sacrifice and heartache. For those who are closer, am I more than just your friend? Labels, they are hard to ignore. I am so many labels. Some I give myself and others are given to me. Orphan, survivor, whore, friend, saloon owner, lover and my most frequent label given to myself, lonely.
The first time I saw you I was cold and hungry and honestly hoping someone would sweep me away with the dirt of Dodge. I was so tired. Tired as only as someone who has nothing to lose and actually hopes that someone or something takes the decision of out of their hands. I wasn't strong enough to do anything about leaving this world and I was just strong enough to live.
Matt, my glorious Matt. You saved me.
I can't explain it and if you ask me now, I will tell you that that love at first sight does NOT exist. I never told you that I loved you when I first looked across the small café and saw your soft blue eyes. Matt, you would have mocked at soft blue eyes and said, "You mean, hard as granite, unyielding blue eyes". Yes, Matt, unyielding except when looking at me.
I hear my name called as no one else says it. My body reacts to him as he holds me and says again,
"Oh Matt" I whisper.