So this is the first in a series of one shots based on my playlist I've very carefully curated for Yowzah. It follows their arc through the show, and while some moments have specific songs attached to them, some are are more the feelings you get on their relationship at the time and I will be writing scenes that express that for. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THE LYRICS FIRST AND LISTENING TO THE SONG QUIETLY AS YOU READ FOR THE BEST EXPERIENCE. I don't deliberately incorporate the lyrics into the piece, but every line is represented by some action or thought, that's how well these songs fit my children.
This first song is called Hardest of Hearts by Florence and the Machine, and while I attached it to like thirty seconds in The Impossible Astronaut that the lyrics fit really well, the overall feeling of the song matches the hopelessness of River's encounters with Early Doctor
River locks eyes with him.
"Who are you?"
It's not really a question, more of a challenge. He keeps talking, but the sting doesn't leave. Here is her worst day, already manifesting itself. Who am I. They were so, so much to each other, it was more than could ever be put into words. If their lives were words it would fill the largest library. If their love were stars it would be brighter than the light on Calderon Beta.
He looked so cold right now, empty, almost. Shut off from loving too hard and too much and with all the wrong people.
In days now gone to her, she would make him teary eyed with emotions, only to find love, not water, pouring out. If his face wasn't already an open book to her, she could read it in every movement of his body, and feel it in his mind. An emotion he had never named, and probably never could. She couldn't blame him, the only way she could ever say it was playing it off as a pet name.
For every time he touched her, she could feel the ending. How many times until the end? Even now- as he flaunted his youth and taunted her to break every rule they'd carefully built into their twisted, complicated lives- she could feel every inch of her body that his beautiful, delicate fingers had touched her as if she were the artifacts she studied. For all the roughness she loved, it never compared to the feeling of idolization that flowed from his fingertips to her skin, leaving a shadow wherever they went, the way she could feel so much of his pain fade away when their lips met.
He looks to Amy and Rory to see if this is the secret that they know, but their faces are just as confused as his.
"Okay. Why are you in prison? Who did you kill," The Doctor accuses her. He has to know it is him. Him that she killed, and him that she loves, that she's loved longer than she would care to admit, and harder than anyone had before. Through every time he has hurt her, and here she was, still protecting him and obeying him.
"Now, I love a bad girl, me, but trust you?"
Yes, trust me. Please.
"Seriously?" It was if he had heard her silent plea, and had dismissed it out of hand. It was as if he couldn't fathom trusting her, and in that second, she felt as though he never had.
It was then that Amy broke the silence, "Trust me." He holds her gaze for a few seconds more, judging whether or not he could trust her- or judging her for trying to make him. When he is gone, she closes her eyes for a moment- and the darkness is flooded with memories long buried. Times when she could remember him fondly as she writes in her journal, or washed her hair in her cell. Times when though they were as close together as they could physically be, atoms practically touching, striving for proximity- yet still she felt a million miles away. In the end, she always came when he called, and was always calling out into the abyss for him. River knew that she could never stop loving the Doctor, even if she wanted to.
Hold on to your heart, Doctor. She wants him to hear her, even if neither of their minds are open. Hold on to your beautiful, fragile heart. Because soon, you will find me, and it will break every wall, and you will have me, as I had you.