Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, in any connotation of the word.
A/N – I got the idea for this last night as I was walking home from having dinner in town. The stars were out. And an old nursery rhyme popped into my head. ;) Enjoy!
He wished this wasn't his existence.
Lying on the roof of his and Sirius's Yorkshire-based flat, Remus stared up at the just darkening sky, searching for the first star. The full moon was due to ruin him in a little over a week's time, and pre-moon symptoms were just beginning to ravage their way through his system, making his stomach churn, his bones aches, and giving him a seemingly endless headache that no amount of pain potions or muggle painkillers could get rid of. He sighed and pressed his hand to his stomach, swallowing back the nausea that liked to spring itself on him at unpredictable and inconvenient times.
He didn't want to vomit. It'd just make his stomach hurt worse.
Considering he hadn't eaten that day, bringing up nothing wouldn't help at all.
His nose screwed up as Lily's lecturing voice ran through his head. She wouldn't be happy if she knew he hadn't eaten. Then again, neither would Sirius. But he couldn't face food at the moment; the very thought of it had bile rising in his throat. Remus and food had a love/hate relationship as it was, and during the moon it tended to fall much more on the hate side of the scale than it did the love.
He'd eat. Sirius would make sure of it.
Just not now.
Blowing a heavy breath out through his nose, Remus pushed away thoughts of fuel and his body's ridiculously infinite need for it, folded an arm behind his head and continued searching the sky for the evening's first star. It was a clear Autumn night, crisp and just a little cool, not a cloud to be seen. The jumper he was wearing was thick and woolen and reached his knees, and he curled his fingers into his just-beginning-to-get-chilly palms and dug his hands down into his sleeves, rough and bitten nails pressing into skin. His breath arched out into the night air, like smoke from the cigarette Sirius would surely be smoking it he were there.
Sirius was with James and Peter that evening. Remus frowned and curled his fingers further into his sleeves, shifting restlessly on the cool roofing tiles, a bit fed up with himself. He really should get up and head back inside.
Go join Sirius with James and Peter.
But he wanted to find that star.
It was a stupid thought. He was feeling a tad under the weather, a common monthly occurrence that he'd managed to get used to many moons before, and he'd been feeling that way since he'd woken up that morning. Funny thing was, though, he'd had a dream the night before. A dream of his mother and a nursery rhyme…
It was an utterly stupid thought.
The very last rays of sunlight sunk down over the horizon and Remus darted his eyes back and forth across the vast sky above him, the nursery rhyme playing on repeat in his head. He already knew it wouldn't work. He was completely aware of that. It was a stupid, ludicrous thought, and he didn't even know why the bleeding hell was he looking in the first place–
The star shone like destiny, directly above him. Remus swallowed hard, licked his lips nervously and then spoke, saying the words in a rush, as if he needed to say them before he courage gave out.
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight."
I wish this wasn't my existence.
I want to be normal.
Please. Please, just let me be normal.
His eyes squeezed shut tight, Remus took a moment to himself before he blinked them open and gazed in silence up at the single star. It wasn't so single any longer. The sky had exploded with stars as he'd been making his silly little wish, countless bright lights now hanging in the dusk. There was heaven above him, and Remus pressed his lips together, gathering up the dark ball of bitter disappointment and shoving it down hard, hiding it deep within him, where he could no longer think about it.
Where the man currently lying himself down next to him couldn't see it.
He knew it wouldn't work.
"It's cold out here. Aren't you cold?"
A hand wrapped itself around his and lifted it. Lips pressed against his knuckles, warmed against his chilled skin. Remus's breath hitched in his throat.
His eyes prickled.
"Look at how beautiful they are," Sirius murmured, staring up at the starry sky, their hands intertwined on the tiles between them. In a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and scuffed-up biker boots, he looked completely out of place lying on his back on a rooftop with his midnight hair falling artfully around him, holding hands with a man wearing a far-too-big woolen jumper and sorrow in his heart. "You could spend all night trying to count each one. Shall we do that, then? Count every one, Moony?"
He turned his head and grinned at Remus, eyes dancing in invitation.
"I love you," Remus croaked, chest burning. Sirius blinked, a bit startled.
"I love you, too," he replied, starlight eyes narrowing some, searching Remus's face in the same way Remus had searched the sky moments before. "What's wrong, love?"
Remus shook his head. "N-nothing," he said, clearing his throat and repeating the word in a more even tone. He grimaced when Sirius propped himself up, leant over and stared into his face suspiciously. "Truly. I'm just feel like shit. Nothing new."
"Have you eaten?"
The laughter felt heavy, and somehow freeing, all at the same time. "No, not yet," he said, smiling to himself when his boyfriend's brows rose pointedly. "I will when I go in. What are you doing here, anyway? James not up for pint?"
"Lily's not up for a pint, is what it is," Sirius answered, rolling his eyes and smirking as he lay back down again, pulling their clasped hands up to rest on his stomach. "Lad's completely wrapped around Evan's finger, he is. Bit embarrassing, really."
"Oh?" The twist of a smirk lightened the dank feeling in the pit of his stomach further as Remus turned to eye the man he loved. "And you're not wrapped around mine?"
Sirius scoffed. "'Course not, Moony," he said in a cheerful tone. "Not to that extent. Blimey, it is cold out here. Here, take this."
Remus laughed again as Sirius swung himself up and began removing his jacket.
This time, there wasn't even a hint of heaviness.
"You're so bloody full of it, Padfoot," he chuckled, pushing himself up as well, heart singing. "I'm fine, I don't need that. But I could probably handle a curry if it's mild enough. Fancy a takeaway?"
Sirius's face lit up. "Sure!" he said, scrambling to his feet and tugging Remus up behind him, steadying him with an arm around his waist when the unexpected movement made him sway. "Shit, sorry, Rem. All right?"
"Yeah, nothing to worry about," Remus said, brushing himself off and sending Sirius a quiet smile. "You go ahead, I'll be there in a minute. I'm fine," he insisted when Sirius hesitated, worry in his sharp gaze, in the tilt of his head. "It's nice out. I just need a minute more, is all."
The worry hung around for half a moment more before Sirius nodded slowly. "Don't take too long," he said, tone deliberately light as he ducked down and pressed his lips to Remus's in a sweetly short kiss that warmed all the cold bits left in both Remus's body and heart. The gentle touch of a hand to his cheek and the nose brushing along his was just as deliberate as the tone had been. Remus sighed and pressed his cheek into Sirius's palm.
He loved this man more than he ever thought possible.
"I won't," he promised. Sirius grinned, kissed the tip of his nose, and backed up a step or two, practically clicking his heels as he turned and climbed through the attic window. Remus snorted softly and shook his head, amusement making him grin as his eyes once again found the boundless sky above him.
His breath curled through the chill, a storm of white in a darkness broken only by the shine of a million stars.
He couldn't find the first star anymore.
He still wished it. Standing on the rooftop of the flat he shared with a man who'd somehow come to love a penniless werewolf whose relationship with food wasn't entirely the healthiest, Remus thought he'd probably always wish it. But that very first star didn't matter. Not really.
Not at the moment.
Remus had his own starlight, didn't he?
He had his own, personal, first star.