=Splinters of a Song =

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't owned by me, never have been never will be no matter how much I beg and plead. Legal action would result in gaining a pair of disgruntle cats and a college loan that refuses to end. I promise to put the characters right where they belong once I am done.
Rating: R for possible violence, language and general rock star-ish behavior

Author Notes: I tend to see Ryuuichi's switch from child-like innocence to wise adult a bit different than others. It's not exactly like having a split personality in mind, but more like he uses the child-like persona as a way to make others happy and to keep out of the day-to-day petty prejudice. I would almost say it reminds me of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, not having to grow up because they didn't want to face the terror adult life gave them. So, anyways that is sort of my thoughts on the subject, which is why this Ryuuichi is a bit grown up talking and acting behind a child's smile.

This is my first Gravitation fiction. Hopefully the characters are not too OOC but having only seen the anime and the manga as found on fansites my knowledge is limited

First song in the fiction is 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran. Ryuuichi's POV.
* blah * =Thoughts
blah = Lyrics


= Sound Test =

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue,
Thought I heard you talking softly.
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you.

Three years. That's how long it's been since I've heard the music. Don't get me wrong; America is another place with its own rhythm and its way of doing things. I've heard their music and in a small part contributed to it with my attempts of breaking into their way of the business. But America is not a place for experimentation. They aren't good with change and they prefer that everyone sound like what's selling not like themselves. Even with K there, I still had to fight for my own sound, and my style. Not like back home, where we commanded the music industry.

What is happening to it all?
Crazy some say-
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away.

Talking over the phone wasn't going to replace what I was missing. I could tell them everything and even play them my solo efforts, but I cannot see their faces. How silly does that sound? I'm the person that they often trained the spotlights on, the front man of the band, the 'genius singer and lyric writer Sakuma Ryuuichi'. Up where I stood I could not see anything but the blinding lights on me, could hear nothing but the pounding beat and feel the unseen eyes of millions of faithful worshipers. So alone, so empty up there, no wonder I like retreating back into the child-mask when the spotlights are gone.

But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

America was an eye-opener in so many ways. I've never expected to be so different that most refuse to hear me sing. It took a lot of effort to get where I was with the rest of Nittle Grasper that I've forgotten those days. Struggling to get someone to hear us, struggling at lousy part-time jobs to feed myself and have enough left over for something that wasn't mended five times over. Touma had money, Noriko had her then fiancé for support, but I was a poor starving student that hadn't talked to my family since they kicked me out. See? My past isn't some dark deep sob story just the story of a lot of people in a lot of places. I turned sixteen and my folks kicked me out end of story.

Passion or coincidence once prompted me to say-
Pride will tear us both apart.
Well now pride's gone out the window, cross the rooftops, runaway.
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.

Away from the shadow of Nittle Grasper I managed to find myself a little or at least I like to think so. Not so much as a 'self' of musical understanding, but a 'self' of personal growth and understanding. The bits and pieces that make up my mind had to be dragged back to me, like fish on a line or a string of pearls being placed on a new string. What a fun prospect that turned out to be. I think I spent a better part of my first year here doing just that. Pride in myself was regained and so were my own interests again. I started returning to some of what I was before I became the 'genius vocalist' of Nittle Grasper.

What is happening to me?
Crazy some say.
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away.

I suppose it's humbling to not be able to produce a string of big hits just by one's name. After all, in America, all I ever was another skinny kid with a bunch of ideas and a good strong manager. Just like hundreds of others out there trying to make it big. I had one up on them since I did have hits in another country and knew what to say to the people in charge. But still, even with that and the Glock that K liked to wave around, it took a while to get anything done.

But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

From superstardom to a cult hit to college and people on the fringe was a change for the best. The only people to know who I was where those that were either obsessed with J-rock as they called it or those that were outsiders themselves. My pride stung at such a rejection, but my wings opened and soared at the heady sense of freedom. Freedom from the lights, freedom from the pressures within, freedom from the self-doubts and worries. So what I had to work to regain what I was I was free.

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed,
Feared today; forgot tomorrow.
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need,
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk-
Blown away.

Just me and the music and the exhilaration of being in a whole new world far from what I knew.

Just blowing away.

But that feeling of excitement grew dark. What I searched for in the end was not my voice, nor was it my self, but a chance to get back to the root of everything. To remember why I had to leave, why I agreed to K's offer. To remember whom I was before I became the genius they proclaim me to be. And once I remembered that, I was ready to go home again.

But I won't cry for yesterday.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

I am coming home, where the song shall renew my spirits and clean my soul. Where I can see them again and cheer them up and be the one that they look at when they are too cranky or too sore from the harshness of the world. Returning to Touma who is our brains and the one that always made sure that the plans were set. To Noriko who is always watching out for us and nurturing us during those times when we needed a mother's touch. To myself, the heart of the music, the very piece that kept everything together and shiny. The inspiration that was all of us together in a harmony that could not be duplicated in anyway by anyone on earth. Time to go home. Time to return to what I was.

Any world is my world
Every world is my world