Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: Alas, I don't own Love Hina! (sniffle) So unfair. I also don't own "Eight Legged Freaks", Angelic Layer, Romeo and Juliet , Linux OR Microsoft, Avril Lavigne OR Mountain Dew. So, please don't sue. I'm poor as hell.
I also don't own any of the following authors or authoresses mentioned in this fic. They're either my good friends, significant others (blush), or merely people I respect. Thank you.
Also, I'd like to apologize ahead of time to anyone who gets eaten in the following fic.
A/N: Yes, this is my response to Silver-chan's challenge! Hopefully, Silver-chan, it's all here. The checklist is at the end. So, while the requirements might not be in order, they will hopefully all be here!
Keitaro Urashima had embarked on many a crazy, strange, bizarre or downright laughable scheme. These events had occurred more frequently with Andrew Joshua Talon and Silver Raye Adams, both completely insane in their own right, befriending the hapless ronin. But, to his knowledge, there had never been a more outlandish plot laid out before him than the one he observed right now.
"You've got be kidding."
Talon rolled his eyes with a hefty sigh, the weretiger holding up a hand/paw to his forehead in exasperation. The two friends were, at the moment, in Keitaro's room on opposite sides of a table. In the center of said table sat a small, humble goldfish floating idly in a water-filled bowl.
"I'm telling you, it could work!" Keitaro shook his head, peering at the unassuming creature dubiously.
"You've got to be insane, Talon. Teaching a goldfish, to tap-dance? Have you any idea just how crazy that is? You've lost it, man."
"No, no, no! I swear, Keitaro, my friend, we can do it!"
"You're nuts. It's impossible!" It was now Talon's turn to give Keitaro a skeptical look.
"Dude, you get punched into orbit at least once a day and survive without a scratch, even with me around to draw the fire. Suu builds giant robotic turtles of doom, Motoko sends blasts of chi energy at her foes, and your little sister can have sex for ten straight hours without breaking a sweat. And you have trouble believing that we can make a goldfish tap dance?" Keitaro stared at Talon.
"How do you know Kanako can...erm ... do that for ten hours straight?" Talon tugged at his furred, black and orange striped skin with a death glare. He twitched his long ears and whiskers, swung his tail around, and to finish the demonstration he unsheathed his long claws.
"I'm like this, aren't I?" Keitaro scratched his head.
"Um, I haven't figured this out yet, but how long are you supposed to stay that way?" Talon shrugged.
"Well, since your sis and Motoko are an item now, Tori-chan will probably turn me back in a little while. She's not intentionally cruel, she was just angry. And besides, now I'm powerful enough to stand up to Naru and guard Mutsumi's life, so it's not all bad." Keitaro blinked blankly, before turning back to the goldfish.
"Is that part of your punishment?"
"Well, it's to redeem myself to myself as well as to her, but no matter. We can teach this goldfish to tap dance!" Keitaro shook his head dismally.
"Dude, they only have a memory of three minutes. How could we possibly-?" Keitaro's statement was interrupted by a rap, rap, rapping, upon his chamber door.
"Who could be rap, rap, rapping, upon my chamber door?" Keitaro inquired.
"None that I know of, let's hope it's gone forever more," Talon replied.
"Like that of my dead sister, known only as Lenore," declared Keitaro. Talon sweat dropped.
"I'm sure your sister's named Kanako, not Lenore." Keitaro glared at the weretiger.
"It had to rhyme, so what are you yapping for?"
"WILL SOMEBODY JUST OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!?" Roared a certain red head (or, as Talon would affectionately call her, 'the local psycho bitch').
Talon and Keitaro sweat dropped, before the manager opened the sliding door.
To reveal a horrifying, and yet profoundly amusing sight.
"Narusegawa? Uh... What's with your hair?" Naru gave Keitaro a look that could freeze Hell to absolute zero in nothing flat. Her hair was now a mane of sky-blue strands, and a vein on the side of her head was clearly visible, leading to a very distracting eye twitch.
"A certain MANGY CAT swapped my shampoo for HAIR DYE!" Naru shrieked, her fists clenched. Behind the terrified Keitaro was Talon, desperately trying (and failing) not to crack up at the sight of his handiwork.
"I-I can't-It's too much-I-It was so evil and-WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Talon was soon clutching his stomach and pointing his finger at Naru, laughing hysterically. Tears began to run down his furred cheeks as he guffawed so hard his stomach hurt. The resident one-women space program screamed in rage, shoving Keitaro aside and rushing furiously at the cackling weretiger.
"I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT!!!" Talon had usually declined to even think of hitting a girl, even one he clashed with as much as Naru. But, given that he now had both tiger instincts along with tiger abilities, he and Naru were soon engaged in a furious cat fight. The two combatants wrestled, clawed, punched, kicked, and bit each other in a rolling tornado of fur and hair (Don't go there, hentai no bakas!).
The fighting rolled out of Keitaro's room and into the hallway, leaving Keitaro to watch with a hefty sweatdrop as both his friend and his "study buddy" battled ferociously. With a sigh, he closed the door and collapsed on the floor, staring at the goldfish.
"So, how's your day been?" Keitaro idly asked the marine creature.
"...." Was the goldfish's only response.
"AUGH! THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Screamed Sarah MacDougal, running around in a panic.
Taro MD, the focus of Sarah's outburst, had a sweatdrop the size of the Galactic Core decorating his head.
"Sarah, Sarah, geez! What's the bloody matter with you?" Sarah stopped screaming, before turning to the British Punisher with a sheepish smile on her face.
"Erm, well... I'm starring in a play in California next month because Daddy signed me up. And I have to practice for my role," Sarah explained, slipping on a pair of sunglasses and strutting back into the Hinata Sou.
"SARAH-CHAN! THE ANGELIC LAYER MARATHON IS ON!" Screamed Kitsune from somewhere within the Hinata.
"YAY! YURI HINTS DADDY WON'T LET ME SEE, HERE I COME!" Sarah squealed, zipping along like a roadrunner. Taro sweatdropped again, before shrugging and starting into the ancient girl's dormitory himself.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
FWOOSH! Taro's lightening fast reflexes allowed him to dodge a flaming projectile, which flew away into the distance before exploding above Hinata Town in a shower of stars. Kanako Urashima, just inside the door, smirked as she blew smoke away from the muzzle of her bazooka.
"How do ya' like them apples, William Shakespeare?!" Kanako yelled after the debris. Haruka rolled her eyes as she took another drag off her cigarette nearby.
"Kanako, you could have just chosen another book for English class." Kanako scowled.
"All the good ones had already been taken. I thought I could handle Romeo and Juliet, but the damned thing was just too boring! Mercutio was the only interesting character! Well... Him and Juliet." Taro cautiously entered the front door, staring at Keitaro's adopted sibling.
"Uh... Dare I ask why?" Kanako blushed slightly at this, and Taro immediately decided it was probably better not to pursue the question. Motoko Aoyama, at this moment, appeared in the room, smiling like a kawaii, ditzy anime schoolgirl. She was also wearing a semi-revealing dress without so much as a blush.
"AAAAHHHH! IT'S THE INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS!" Kanako screamed, diving behind a couch. Taro (after screaming the same thing) joined her a second later. Haruka merely raised an eyebrow.
"Motoko-chan, you look... Different." Motoko twirled around twice and giggled. A terrifying sight indeed, which was worth Haruka raising her other eyebrow.
"I've started drinking this wonderful soda pop that Silver brought with her! Mountain Dew: Code Red! And I just felt like wearing a dress to-day! Oh, it's such a wonderful, happy, happy day!" Kanako peeked out from behind the couch, before getting an angry expression and stalking up the stairs.
"SILVER RAYE ADAMS! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY BITCH?!" Needless to say, it was a sweatdrop moment for everyone in hearing range. Well, aside from Motoko, who was bouncing on the couch with a bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red in her hand. Taro stared after Kanako, before turning to Motoko with an uneasy smile upon his face.
"Um... Motoko, love? I'm a bit thirsty right now. Could I just have a sip?" Motoko drew her sword out of her pocket of Mini Skirt Space © and snarled, frothing at the mouth slightly.
"Uh, on second thought, you probably need it more than I do," Taro amended, heading out of the room at flank speed. Motoko quickly returned to her bouncing and drinking, giggling, until a better idea came to mind. Laughing happily again, she ran up stairs. Haruka simply shook her head, taking a swig of a conveniently placed sake bottle and another drag off her cigarette.
"Okay, so, Mister Goldfish, you have your equipment," Keitaro said, smiling at his handiwork. The goldfish stared blankly at Keitaro, a plastic top-hat and cane on it's head and in it's right fin, as it floated dully within the bowl.
"So, all that's needed is a way to allow your fingernail sized brain to retain enough information for you to tap dance," the manager said with another smile. He then looked thoughtful, stroking his chin.
"Hi~i, Kei-kun!" Squealed a feminine voice right next to him.
"WAH!" The (still) hapless young man rolled over and hit his head on the floor. Fortunately for him, the soft carpet protected his head from serious injury. However, the injuries to his mind were just beginning.
"Oh, silly Kei-kun! You fall down and go boom!" Giggled Motoko. Keitaro stared at the kendo girl, before hurriedly wiping his glasses off and making sure he wasn't hallucinating.
"Uh... Motoko-chan?" Motoko giggled again, before pouncing upon the poor manager and cuddling him.
"Kei-kun, you're gonna be my bitch! Gimme a kiss!" The deranged samurai giggled, undoing the buttons of Keitaro's shirt. Needless to say, Keitaro did the only logical thing he could in this situation.
"WAAAAAAHHHHH!" He panicked. Our short-sighed hero flailed his arms about wildly, knocking a Mountain Dew: Code Red bottle into the air and dumping it's contents into the goldfish bowl. Motoko froze, staring in abject horror, as her favorite drink drifted around the small, plastic-garbed goldfish.
"WAAAHHH! KEI-KUN, I HATE YOU!" Motoko started sobbing deliriously, still on top of Keitaro. The ronin sweatdropped heavily before wrapping his arms around the distraught samurai girl.
"Uh... I'm sorry, Motoko-chan, I really am! I guess I just never win," he said with a sigh, "what can I do to help you out?" Motoko got a very frightening look in her eyes, as Keitaro gulped and slowly started to back away.
"Well, I would like some lessons for Kanako-chan," she said thoughtfully before lunging for the ronin. Keitaro screamed like a little girl as he ran for the hills, the intoxicated Motoko right on his heels.
Meanwhile, within the fishbowl, a metamorphosis of sorts was taking place.
"... Eh? Where... What am I?" The goldfish burbled. It then swam over to the side of the bowl and looked at a pair of open books Keitaro had left.
One of them was entitled, "How to Teach Your Goldfish to Dance," by Ivan Swindled. The other was the manga edition of the recent American comedy/horror movie, Eight Legged Freaks . There were also a number of textbooks scattered about. The goldfish was shocked to find that he could both read, and understand what was in the pages of the transcripts.
"WOW! I can read!" The goldfish giggled. It then swam down to the bottom of the bowl, and accelerated up out of the water.
"And I can breathe, too!" It declared merrily, bouncing over to the books. He studied them all, managing to turn the pages, until an evil smile emerged upon his scaly face.
"I know what I must do now! I must... " The goldfish paused dramatically.
"Tap-dance!" It cried merrily, getting up on it's fins and splashing around in a rough tap dance. At the same time, the deranged fish began to grow larger, and larger, and larger.
"And... I must eat people for fun!" The goldfish was now about the size of a Labrador. Cackling madly, it flopped off the table, bared teeth six inches long, and tap danced out the door.
"Owwww...." Talon moaned.
"Owwww..." Naru agreed. The two had fought furiously for the last half-hour, and with their clothes torn and bodies bruised, they decided to take a time-out on the floor of the Hinata's gym. Naru had her arms wrapped around Talon's neck in a choking maneuver, while Talon had been ripping at her ribs with his claws. Given that neither really felt like doing anything at the moment, they stayed in those positions. Also given that they both were so tired, neither really cared who walked in and whatever they might assume.
"You know Naru, I can't help thinking that our fighting is pointless," the weretiger said with a philosophical air.
"Yeah, me too. Couldn't we better serve each other as friends?" Naru replied, resting her head on Talon's. Of course, as neither one really liked the other, it was just attributed to exhaustion in the two's minds.
"Perhaps. However, you can't help getting angry at Keitaro-"
"You can't help stepping in to save him-"
"I can't help getting angry at you for what you do-"
"And I can't help getting angry at you for what you do." Both nodded at this.
"So, is it best that we simply despise each other?" Naru looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Seems like it."
"Bummer. You can be a nice person at times, really. And you're beautiful when you smile."
"I actually think you're sweet and kind of cute. And I've been tempted to ask you to be my stuffed animal at times."
"Really? I didn't know..."
"Well, you are very warm, soft and fuzzy. Much better than Liddo-kun."
"... I have a question. Why are we having this conversation?"
"Because we're both so tired we don't care what we say, as we'll probably forget it all in the morning."
"Really? I thought it was due to that keg of Kitsune's beer we smashed into and splashed around in."
"It probably is. You tried to drown me in it, I tried the same... You get the idea."
"Ah, I see. So we're drunk?"
"Looks that way. I feel like some harmless cuddling right now. Want to?"
"Sure. What the hell."
"Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated. Life's like this you. And you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no, no, no," came the sweet, soft voice of Shinobu Maehara. The resident domestic goddess walked smoothly through the gym, not noticing the two combatants until she conveniently stepped on Talon's beer, sweat and water-soaked tail.
"Itai! My tail, ow!" Shinobu stared down at the two in unbridled astonishment and horror.
"S-S-S-Sempais?!" Talon shrugged as he snuggled Naru a little more.
"Don't worry, Sh-Shinobu-chan. We're just tired," reassured the weretiger.
"And drunk. Don't forget drunk," Naru reminded him, pulling him closer to her.
"Oh yeah. Don't worry, we still hate each other. We'll wake up in the morning and won't remember any of this." Shinobu, still white as a sheet, nodded slowly.
"Oh-Um... That's actually kind of a shame. You make a bizarre but cute couple. And then Naru-sempai would be happy, and I could have a chance with Keitaro-sempai!" Shinobu said, starry eyed. Talon and Naru shrugged.
"Sorry. I still love Tori-chan. Well, actually, I love a lot of people, but Tori's got the biggest place in my heart."
"And I'm still wondering what the hell to do about Keitaro."
"Forget him. You can have a relationship with someone who you don't have to use as a punching bag, like Seta. Haruka still hasn't gotten him, you know."
"Thanks, but no thanks. I'll just go back to being the bitch."
"Then we'll have to keep fighting. Damn, that shucks."
"Doesn't it just?" And with that, the two seriously out-of-it combatants passed out. Shinobu sweatdropped enough to fill the Grand Canyon to it's brim. She decided to simply leave the room, and turned around to do so, when-
"Whee!" Shouted a watery, gravelly voice. Shinobu stopped and stared in abject horror as a giant goldfish bounced into the room, wearing a top hat and waving a cane around.
"Hello! I'm the Tap-Dancing Goldfish! Look!" The hideous freak of nature then proceeded to do precisely that. Shinobu continued to stare, slack-jawed, at the creature. Though she had to admit it could do a mean soft-shoe.
"Heh. That was fun! Now, um..." The mutated goldfish pulled a manga out of Slimy Scale Space ©, read a few lines, then closed it and shoved it back into Slimy Scale Space ©. He then grinned with his large, long, sharp fangs.
"Now, I'm going to inject venom into you, turning your internal organs and fluids into a delicious, nutritious shake, and suck them out. I'll then leave your dry, dehydrated corpse out for everyone to see. How's that?"
"... AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!" Shinobu shrieked, running like hell out the door. The goldfish tap danced in hot pursuit, ignoring Talon and Naru. Well, then again, so did most everyone else, but still...
Silver Raye Adams was, at the moment, carrying the last of her Mountain Dew: Code Red to the sink in the kitchen, grumbling about Kanako's 'interrogation' methods.
"Why'd she have to bring out the rubber chicken? Why?" The authoress lamented, walking unsteadily toward the kitchen downstairs.
"WHEE! RIDE EM' KEI-KUN!" Squealed Motoko. Silver turned around and stared in unbridled horror at the sight of Motoko riding Keitaro like a horse (Not like that, hentai no baka!).
"Gah.... Help me, Silver... She's gone freaking bonkers," Keitaro gasped out between Motoko's bouncing on his back. The intoxicated samurai girl looked at the box of Mountain Dew: Code Red with a look Silver wasn't entirely sure she liked.
"MINE!" Motoko screamed, lunging for the box. Silver screamed in terror, throwing the box at the deranged kendo girl while ducking for cover. Motoko merely caught the box and ripped it open, drooling at the mouth.
"Myu!" Announced Tama-chan happily, raising a flipper in greeting from within the box. Motoko's eyebrow started to twitch.
"AAAAHHHH! T-T-TURTLE! DEMON TURTLE!" She shrieked, grabbing her sword and slashing at her mortal foe furiously. Tama merely myu-ed again, happily flying down the hallway dodging Motoko's blade. Kanako popped out of a room along the hall, captured Motoko with a flick of her wrist and a bullwhip, and happily dragged Motoko into her lair, smiling evilly before shutting the door. Silver and Keitaro stared after them.
"... Well... That was... Interesting..." Commented Keitaro.
"WAAAAAHHHHH! He was a Sk8ter Boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her!" Screamed/sang Shinobu, running down the hall in a blind panic. Keitaro and Silver looked at each other before looking where Shinobu had been running from.
"MWAHAHAHAHA! FEAR ME, THE TAP-DANCING GOLDFISH OF DOOM ©! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Shouted a certain mutated fish. He tap-danced furiously up the hallway, bearing his long, saliva-coated fangs.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Shrieked Silver and Keitaro, running like hell away from the hideous freak of Pepsi's © thoughtless experimentation with chemical agents in it's soft drinks. The tap dancing goldfish of doom© gave chase, cackling all the more with it's ominous tapping.
"...Well, Taro-san, all I can say is that if you wish to repair the rift between you and Mina, you must tell the truth," finished Mutsumi Otohime, smiling at the downtrodden British Punisher.
"Yes. She loves you, and she will truly understand the mistake you made with the tapioca machine if you just be honest with her." Taro nodded thoughtfully, smiling at the turtle princess.
"Thanks, Mutsumi-san. I really appreciate this, really I do," Taro said earnestly, shaking Mutsumi's hand. The turtle princess giggled slightly.
"Ara, it's no problem. Though, why did you come to me?" Taro shrugged sheepishly.
"Talon said you were the best person to turn to. I guess he really trusts you." Mutsumi shrugged, smiling.
"Ara ara! Talon-kun is such a good friend!"
"That he is. Now, Mutsumi, I have a question for you."
"Yes. You love Keitaro, right?"
"With all my heart, ara," Mutsumi sighed.
"Then, why don't you try to get him?" Prodded the British Punisher. Mutsumi sighed sadly, shrugging.
"He loves Narusegawa. And it makes him happy to try and win her heart. And she really does like him, even if she is a..."
"Bitch from the depths of Hell?"
"Ara, I suppose. So, I just want Kei-kun to be happy. And if he's happy, I'm happy! There's nothing to be unhappy about!" Mutsumi smiled again.
"... You don't have to lie to me, Mutsumi-san."
"Ara... Talon-kun is far more observant than I thought, hai?"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" This scene, worthy of a decent angst fic, was shattered by Keitaro, Shinobu and Silver running into Mutsumi's room and slamming the door shut behind them. All three put their backs to the door, panting.
"Ara? Kei-kun, is Narusegawa mad again?" Keitaro shook his head violently, NO.
"My goldfish that Talon and I were trying to teach to tap-dance has mutated into some kind of hideous freak of nature! It's trying to kill us!" Mutsumi and Taro exchanged looks.
"... Keitaro, bloke, you were with Kitsune and Sarah while they were watching the Angelic Layer marathon today, weren't you?" Keitaro shook his head violently again, Shinobu and Silver joining him.
"No, I swear! It's here! It's a giant, killer tap-dancing-"
CRASH! The door was smashed apart, sending Keitaro, Shinobu and Silver sprawling into Taro and Mutsumi. Keitaro, predictably, ended up in Mutsumi's lap. All five turned to face the horrific tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©.
"-Goldfish of doom ©," finished Silver for him. Mutsumi looked confused.
"Ara, what's with the ©'s?" Everyone blinked, and began to ponder this. The goldfish blinked at his prey in confusion.
"Um... Hey! Hello, aren't you guys supposed to be cringing in terror... Or something?" The human occupants of the room turned to the tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Screamed everyone aside from Mutsumi.
"Ara, the ©'s are back again," Mutsumi noted as Keitaro grabbed her, threw her over his shoulder, and ran like hell (with everyone else) away from the tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©. Said mutated freak roared in anger, tap dancing after them.
"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME!"
Elsewhere... (don't you just love scene transitions?)
"Linux rules, Microsoft drools! Death to Bill Gates!" Sang Suu (badly, I might add) while dancing around with one of the stuffed Linux penguins her sister had sent her for Christmas. Kitsune and Sarah, trying to watch their Angelic Layer marathon, glared at the hyperactive foreigner.
"Suu! We're trying watch here!" Griped the foxy lady before taking a swig of sake.
"Yeah! Can't you do that somewhere else?" Groused Sarah, reaching for a sake bottle of her own. Kitsune slapped Sarah's hand, causing the bratty American girl to yelp and jerk said appendage away from the booze.
"Hey! What was that for?"
"You're under-aged. Deal, kiddo," Kitsune said with a slight smirk.
"Bill Gates and Barney the Dinosaur! Ooh, ooh! In league together! Ooh, ooh! In bed together! Ooh, ooh!" Sang Suu in the background. Sarah and Kitsune sweatdropped.
SMASH! The wall in front of the Terrible Trio shattered, as Taro, Silver, Shinobu, Keitaro and Mutsumi were all thrown threw it.
"Urgh... That tap-dancing goldfish of doom © has a good fin," groaned Silver.
The five were soon surrounded by a furious Kitsune and Sarah, and Suu, still dancing with the Linux penguin and humming.
"YOU IDIOTS! YOU DESTROYED THE TV!"
"NOW WE'RE GONNA MISS THE BEST EPISODE! GEEZ, YOU JERKS! WE OUTTA-!"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kitsune, Sarah, and Suu looked up to see the tap-dancing goldfish of doom © grinning evilly at them.
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed the (now) party of seven as they started running away once again. The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © followed them eagerly, drooling at the thought of the tasty morsels awaiting him.
"GAH! TARO, USE YOUR BEAM CANNON!" Screamed Silver. Taro pressed a button on his watch. There was a bright flash of energy, and when it cleared, Taro was now encased in Mega Man X variety armour. He turned his cannon arm at the tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©, and fired.
KABOOM! Taro smirked as the blast covered the tap-dancing goldfish of doom © in smoke and debris. No way anyone could survive-
"RRAAAAHHHH!" Roared the tap-dancing goldfish of doom © as it leapt through the smoke and opened it's mouth.
CHOMP! The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © swallowed Taro whole, deciding that the whole venom-created-milkshake thing wasn't the best idea for dining on humans. He then tap danced after his prey, cackling evilly once more.
Meanwhile, Talon and Naru (still passed out) were...um.... still passed out upon the gym floor. In a position any perverted fanboy would kill for. Not that Talon would brag about something like that, as when he wasn't drunk and dog-tired...well... nevermind. It's not important.
A small, furry creature approached them, wrapped in a traveling cloak.
"Ooooooohhhh.... Taaaalllllooonnnnn..." The creature said dramatically. Talon continued sleeping.
"Taaaallllllllloooooonnnnnnn..." The creature said again, a bit louder this time.
"(snore)" Replied the weretiger. The creature sweatdropped.
"YO! TALON, WAKE UP!" The creature shouted into Talon's highly sensitive ears.
"WAAAAHHHH! I DIDN'T COME ON YOU, NARU! I SWEAR-Huh?" The fuzzy creature gave Talon a really weird look.
" 'I didn't come on you, Naru?' " The weretiger glared at the tiny, furry creature.
"Shut the hell up, ferret boy!" For the furry, mysterious creature was none other than Kewaga, Tori Yuki Ichimura's pet ferret/muse. The ferret muse glowered at the weretiger.
"Sheesh kid, you've been in some bad positions before, but this cinches it! What does Tori see it you, anyway?" Talon wrapped his paws around the ferret's neck, a millimeter from crushing his neck into oblivion. The ferret gulped.
"Tell me what the hell you're doing here or die. It's your choice," the weretiger snarled.
"Um... Shouldn't you, you know... Have a hangover?" Talon grinned proudly.
"Weretigers are impervious to alcoholic pains! We just get memory loss! Now, what's up?" Kewaga handed Talon an envelope.
"Tori's sorry she turned you into a weretiger. She just lost her temper, you know? She's sent this package to turn you back, and restore your author powers." Talon smiled.
"Really? Which ones?"
"How the hell should I know? I'm just the delivery ferret! Ciao!" And with that, the annoying mammal vanished. Talon shrugged, and opened up the package.
"... Eh? Magic Pink Pixie Dust ™ ?" Talon shrugged, and threw the material over his head.
FWOOSH! Talon then blinked once again. He was back to being human... In a Jedi Knight uniform like the one Luke Skywalker wore in "Return of the Jedi". At his side is a lightsaber.
"... Ohhhh, so that's why she gave me that tea kettle for Christmas..."
"GAH! TAKE THIS!" Shrieked Shinobu, throwing a frying pan at the tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©. The freakish monster merely caught it in his teeth and devoured it, burping loudly afterwards.
"Mmmm... Teflon! Good appetizer..." He growled, as he advanced. Keitaro, Shinobu, Mutsumi, Kitsune, Silver, Suu and Sarah were all now cornered in the kitchen. They were up against a wall, with the fiendish tap-dancing goldfish of doom © grinning evilly at them.
"I LOVE YOU, MUTSUMI-CHAN!" Keitaro yelled, wrapping his arms around the anemic turtle girl and crying. She was, however, unconcious by this point.
"I LOVE YOU, SEMPAI!" Shinobu sobbed, wrapping her arms around Keitaro. Everyone else promptly sweatdropped.
"Well, so much for my match-making attempts," sighed Kitsune.
"What match-making attempts?" Asked Sarah in snide fear.
"GAH! I can't take it anymore!" Silver yelled, pulling out a rifle from Hammer Space. She pointed it at the goldfish with a snarl.
"Get back, you tap-dancing frrreeeeeaaaaakkkkk!!!"
BANG! BANG! Two spurts of orange, gooey blood burst from the monster's face as it cried out in pain. Kitsune and Sarah stared at her.
"Couldn't you have just done that?" Silver shrugged sheepishly.
"KIYAH!" Talon burst through the door, and (presumably thanks to the Force) kicked the pet store monstrosity out the window. It fell, screaming, to the courtyard below.
"Talon?!" Silver gasped. Talon shrugged, rubbing the back of his head with a cheesy smile.
"Erm... Tori gave me back my original author powers. You know how it is, right? Anyways, given that Kanako and Motoko are... Somewhere else, I guess I'll handle the beast." And with that, the Jedi author leapt out the window to the writhing monster below. He immediately struck a dramatic pose.
"YOU! Yeah, you, you golden-scaled, soft-shoeing freak! (pose) How dare you attack my friends and try to eat them! (pose) You think they're just here for your sustenance? (poses once again) In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!"
Everyone above promptly face-faulted.
"Erm... Talon?" Talon sighed, rubbing his head.
"Sorry, I guess that beer Naru tried to drown me in had more of an effect than I-YAAAAHHHH!" The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © had apparently gained an extra long tongue with it's mutation, rather like a frog, and with said tongue had grabbed Talon by the ankle and was swinging him around.
SMASH! Went Talon into the wall.
WHACK! Went Talon into the outdoor cleaning supplies closet.
POW! Went Talon into a large rock.
"Don't worry Talon, I'll save you, buddy!" Keitaro yelled. He grabbed a sword Haruka had covienently hung above the refrigerator ("Adds class," she had said) and jumped out the window to the gigantic tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©.
"What is with those ©'s?" He asked as he landed on the gigantic fish. He then screamed a battle cry, slashing the gills of the creature furiously.
"Take that! And that! And this! And some of this!" Keitaro shouted, causing more spurting of orange, gooey blood. The goldfish roared again, waving his large plastic cane at the manager.
"GAH! You stupid mammal! I'm going to enjoy eating you most of all!" The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © had left the battered and bruised Talon hanging upside-down in mid-air during his ranting. The Jedi author adjusted his mangled glasses before giving the tap-dancing goldfish of doom © an inquisitive look.
"Why?" The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © looked up at Talon in confusion, ignoring Keitaro's continuing efforts to slash him to death.
"Why do you want to eat us humans?" The goldfish 'shrugged'.
"Well... I'm hungry. And there's no other prey large enough to fill me up." Talon looked considerate.
"Well, don't you know that humans taste bad?" Keitaro looked up at Talon with a 'what-have-you-been-smoking? ©' kind of look. Talon shot him a 'play-along-stupid! ©' expression back. Keitaro nodded, getting the idea.
"Yeah! Don't you know anything?" The goldfish looked at both humans in even more confusion.
"What do you mean, you taste bad? The giant spiders in this manga I read were eating you guys!" Talon and Keitaro exchanged looks.
Ah, so that's how it started.
"Well, spiders digest everything they eat before they actually eat it," Talon explained. "You know, break it down to it's base components. You, on the other hand, eat humans whole and raw. Everything tastes like what it eats, and since we humans are omnivores, we taste like a mix of meats, dairy, bread, vegetables, and fruits. Not to mention fats and acids."
"Try mixing all that together in a blender, and you'll get what a human basically tastes like. Really bad, take it from me," added Keitaro, sticking his tongue out in disgust. The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © pondered this.
"Hey, I never thought about that!" Keitaro smiled good-naturedly.
"And, have you noticed (in your readings) that all the other large predators on the planet only eat us if they're starving, or look like their usual prey? We taste terrible!"
"Awful," contributed Talon, "which is one of the few advantages we humans have (besides intelligence and thumbs) over the other animals on the planet!" The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © grabbed Keitaro in it's right fin. Extending his other tongue (he apparently had two), he experimentally licked the ronin's cheek. He then made a face.
"EWWWW! Kami-sama, you taste like shit!" The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © cried, spitting and gagging. He let Talon and Keitaro go, sending both hapless young men to the floor of the hot springs.
"OUCH!" They both looked up to see the tap-dancing goldfish of doom © trying to wash his tongue in the hot springs water. Talon summoned his lightsaber to his hand from his belt, ignited it, and leapt into the air.
"Give my regards to oblivion! TALON JEDI AURA STRIKE!" Using the Force, Talon formed a powerful blue battle aura around himself and his lightsaber, and with a mighty slash he split the goldfish in two.
"GACK! And I could have gone into show biz too..." The tap-dancing goldfish of doom © gasped before meeting his end. Talon landed between the twin peices of the corpse, sighing before snuffing out his bright emerald lightsaber. He then turned to Keitaro and grinned.
"We did it! We're victorious! WOO HOO!" They both yelled, high-fiving eachother.
"That was great! But, um... Talon?"
"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO THAT BEFORE?!" Talon looked taken aback by Keitaro's outburst, then glared at the ronin.
"Dude! How could I?! I was being swung around like a broken vacuum cleaner! And all you did was slash impotently at him!" Keitaro deathglared the Jedi author.
"Oh, so now it's MY fault? Is that it?"
"Well, no freaking DUH! You dropped the Code Red gunk into the bowl!"
"YOU thought it would be a good idea to teach him to tap-dance!"
"YOU BOUGHT THE DAMN THING IN THE FIRST PLACE! SO IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"IS NOT! YOU BOUGHT HIM!"
"IS TOO! I DID NOT!"
"Gahhhhh..." Yawned Silver with a dramatic stretch of her arms.
"I'm tired. Let's go to bed. We can sell the goldfish or something tomorrow."
"Is goldfish yummy? Can we eat him?"
"You really want to eat that thing?"
"Suu gets point. Going to bed."
"It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won't you take me by the hand, won't you...(snore)," went Shinobu, who was then taken into Kitsune's arms.
And with that, all of them (aside from Mutsumi, who was unconscious on the table, and Talon and Keitaro, because they were fighting), went off to bed.
"... GACK! Bloody hell, this fish is bloody disgusting!" Groaned Taro MD, finally pushing himself out of the guts of the tap-dancing goldfish of doom ©. With an exhausted sigh, the British Punisher passed out, as Talon and Keitaro continued to argue.
And to all, a good night.
Whew! Some challenge... Well, it's done! And, Silver-chan, feel free to check off the list below!
~1. You've undoubtedly noticed the debate over whose fault it was- yours or Keitaro's? I'll let you decide, although it would be interesting to see if you two share an equal amount of blame in this situation.
~2. At some point in the story, someone must run around screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
~3. Kanako is studying Romeo and Juliet in English and she's not too happy about it. Extra points if she sets the book on fire.
~4. Continuing the musical stylings of Maehara Shinobu, she will go about singing songs by either Good Charlotte or Avril Lavigne. I'm giving you the choice.
~5. Motoko develops a slight addiction to Mountain Dew Code Red, which has twice the caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. I think you can imagine the results.
~6. Naru will have an unusual amount of bad hair days and other misfortunes, simply as revenge for all the times she's punched Keitaro.
~7. Tama-chan hides in the Code Red box. Chaos ensues when Motoko finds out.
~8. Suu must perform the Linux Junkie Happy Dance at least twice. (The Linux Junkie Happy Dance is dancing around with one of the stuffed Linux penguins while singing things like, "Linux rules, Microsoft drools!" and "Death to Bill Gates!")
~9. Sarah and Kitsune become Angelic Layer junkies.
~10. Anything you want!
As for the rest of you guys, I hope you enjoyed this utterly insane piece of work. All I ask is a review. A flame, even. That's it, just review! PLEASE?!
Ahem, sorry, it's been a long day. R&R, please!
And Silver? Beware... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
WHACK! Talon was now on the floor, unconscious, with swirly eyes. Naru Narusegawa stood over him with a lamp and a scowl.
"Something tells me I'm supposed to be mad at you..."