Black Hayate's Master Plan

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Short Oneshot

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.

AN: This was first written in 2009 from a request from Crystal Jaganshi.


This is my favorite time of day. Ever since that evil guy stopped being fuehrer and my master's grandfather took over, I've been able to come to work with her every day. I'm sitting in an office at headquarters. It's a cozy office, and the flame man brought in a nice dog bed where I could rest too. He says he loves dogs, and he proved it with that and the steaks he gives me when he doesn't think my mommy is looking. But my mommy knows all.

"That pretty blond bitch sitting at the table with flame man is my mommy. Her name is First Lieutenant Hawkeye. I don't have a daddy yet. In case you are stupid and can't figure things out with deduction, the man beside her is the flame man, though mommy calls him many things. I've heard Roy, Mustang, sir, and when she's angry, asshole or stubborn fucker. That flame man is dating my mommy. I have decided he's suitable for being my new daddy. So I have come up with a plan to make it happen.

A few days ago, he got this pretty, shiny thing. I think it's a human bone of some kind since I see some people wearing them. I've seen women be very happy when they get one, and then the daddy and mommy never separate again. If he gives it to mommy, he might be my new daddy. Sometimes I see him humping mama when they don't close the bedroom door, so I think he got it for her. Nothing says love like humping.

But he's been waiting too long to give it her, so today is the day I take action.

My knees pop a little when I stand up because I've been resting all day. They don't notice me move, so I walk over to stand beside my mommy. When she doesn't notice me, I know I have to do something I hate doing. I whine like a puppy. When she looks at me, I rest my head on her lap and use puppy dog eyes. It's usually super effective, but instead she pats my head and returns her focus on her work.

This is going to be harder than I thought. I move over and do the same thing to my future daddy. He looks down with a surprised look. I don't normally show this much affection to him.

"I think Hayate wants something, Riza."

I want you to give mommy that shiny bone in the box that you keep in your desk drawer.

"Maybe he's hungry," she says. She stands and walks over to her desk to get me a treat.

Humans are impossible. If a dog wants something done then he'd better do it himself. Not that I wouldn't want a treat, but that's for later.

I snort and walk over to daddy's desk, a desk he doesn't use very often since he has so much paperwork. Now they work at a makeshift desk that is only a long table.

"There are no treats in there, Hayate!" he says. I ignore future daddy and remove the box with the shiny bone thing from the drawer. I take it over to my mommy all the while future daddy is acting like I took his favorite chew toy. If he didn't want me to get it, he should've buried it and peed on it to hide the smell.

"No! Hayate!" He yells and scrambles from his seat.

Too late. Hehehe

"What's this?" Mommy says and takes the box from my mouth. She opens it. It's an ugly bone, but she seems to like it. Humans have no taste. "Wha…"

"I guess Hayate was impatient."

"Is this what I think it is?"

My mommy is clearly stunned since she asked such a stupid question.

Future daddy removes the shiny bone from the box, kneels, and slides the ring upon her finger. "Will you marry me, Riza?"

She doesn't answer with words but with a kiss. I don't understand why they only lick each other in the bedroom but they kiss in public and at home. Humans are confusing.

When they stop their kissing thing, daddy turns to me.

"Thanks Hayate," he says and bends down to scratch my ears. "I'll give you a steak this evening."

I barked in acceptance and go back over to my bed to rest, happy that my plan has been accomplished.

Now to make them have puppies. But that will come later.


AN: Very brief oneshot to get myself back into the swing of posting. I was going to include this in one of my fic collections but I thought it was cute enough to make it a short oneshot. Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment if you have the time. 3