Title: A Pain the Arse, or The Oh-My-God-I-Can't-Believe-I-Wrote-This Story
Author: Nimo... er, Jane Smith... yeah
Pairing: Sirius/Harry preslash
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not that she'll want them after this, but they're JKR's. I make no money. In fact, I should pay the people who read this for inflicting it on them.
Summary: Sirius has a problem. Colin has a camera. Harry has an aneurism.

Note: I use humour to deal with stress. Blame that. And Maeglin. Always blame Maeglin. It's all her fault. And just so's you know, the inspiration for this fic cost $400.

WARNING!! Do NOT read this if you are remotely squicked by bodily functions. There is no feces or urine involved, least of all in a sexual context, but nonetheless this is very gross.

thoughts/emphasis

A Pain in the Arse
or The Oh-My-God-I-Can't-Believe-I-Wrote-This Story
by Nimori

Sunday Morning

"COLIN!"

Little Colin Creevey -- not so little anymore at six-foot-two -- darted through the crowded hall, ducking and dodging and shouting a steady stream of, "Someone stop him, he's gonna kill me, oh man, someone hex him!" However strange it was to see Gyffindor's sixth-year Keeper shriek like a girl and take cover behind Ginny Weasley, the denizens of Hogwarts found it even stranger to see the cause of Colin's terror was none other than a purple-faced Harry Potter.

"Colin! Get back here so I can turn you into a slug and feed you to the squid!" Harry reached Colin at last, and Ginny held her glass of pumpkin juice out of harm's way as they circled her, Colin feinting and twisting as Harry snatched at his robes and flung hexes, most of which hit the crowd.

"I didn't do it, Harry! I swear, I don't know how that picture got in the paper."

"Like hell you don't. I'm going to make you eat that camera, Creevey."

The students noted Harry had a crumpled copy of the Daily Prophet in one hand, and, anticipating a new scandal, eagerly turned to the windows and the incoming owls.

"Look, Harry, the post's here!" Colin said, and once Harry blanched and stared with wide-eyed horror at the swooping owls, took the opportunity to bolt from the hall. Harry didn't even notice his escape, focused as he was on the sound of hundreds of newspapers hitting the house tables, nor did he notice Hermione pry the battered paper from his fingers.

Silence fell over the Great Hall, and almost as one, every person in the room looked up from their newspapers to stare at Harry Potter.

"Er, Harry," Hermione said, folding the paper in half, then in quarters. "Did you really do... what it looks like you did... to Snuffles?"

Harry's face went from white to purple in half a second, and he snatched the paper from her, tearing it right down the headline.

POTTER SEX SCANDAL: BOY-WHO-LOVES... BEAST?

24 Hours Earlier

Sirius lay on Harry's bed, flicking owl treats at Hedwig. Either Sirius was a lousy shot, or Hedwig wasn't hungry, for most of them missed her beak and plinked off the window pane. Harry, slouched on the floor and using his trunk as a table to do his Charms essay, almost wished his roommates would return, forcing Sirius to change back into a dog. The plinking finally broke his patience, and he flung down his quill.

"Are you bored?"

Sirius sat up immediately. "Yes! Can we do something?"

"All right." Much as he loved his godfather, the man went stir crazy every time circumstances forced him to lay low. After a week of hiding out in Harry's dorm as 'Snuffles', he'd run out of entertainment, but for some reason Sirius didn't want to leave the room, even in dog form. "We'll do something," Harry said, "but you have to promise me an hour of undisturbed study time in return."

"Deal. Wizard's chess?"

Harry wrinkled his nose. "I suck at chess. I think Seamus has a frisbee we can borrow. Want to give 'Snuffles' some exercise?"

"Er, no." Sirius flopped back down on the bed. "I'm having some problems being 'Snuffles' right now."

"What kind of problems?"

"It's personal."

"Oh. Nothing I can help with?"

"N... well, maybe." Sirius rolled over and propped himself up on one elbow, staring down at Harry for a long moment. "How much do you know about dogs?" he asked suddenly.

"Dudley got a puppy when we were eight. He traded it to his friend Piers for a week of his puddings at lunch. Other than that, the only one I've been around is you." Harry pitched a balled-up early draft on the history of locking charms at his godfather, and grinned when it bounced off his forehead.

Sirius didn't throw the parchment back, only rolled onto his back and stared at the bed's canopy. "Promise you won't tell anyone, not even Moony?"

"I promise." Harry shifted closer, sitting on the trunk and folding his arms on the foot of the bed.

"All right. Don't laugh either. Dogs have these, um, glands... only they're not real glands, just sacs that er, secrete ... stuff. They can get blocked and it's very uncomfortable... makes the area itchy and sore."

"What area?"

Sirius mumbled something.

"Sorry?"

"I said, under the tail."

Harry bit down on his tongue. "You've... On your bum?"

"Harry."

"Sorry. What happens when you're human?"

"It goes away, since those... parts don't exist in human anatomy. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything to drain them, and it gets worse every time I turn into Snuffles."

"It has to be drained?" Harry asked, and Sirius nodded. "Why don't I just take you to a vet then? I'm sure there's one in Hogsmeade."

"No!" Sirius yelped, sitting up and crossing his legs. "Harry! How could you even suggest that? They--" His voice dropped to a whisper. "They neuter dogs there."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't let them neuter you."

"But what if there's a mistake? What if there's a big black dog named Sniffles scheduled for the same day, and they accidentally take me instead? What if they knock me out before I can transform and get away?" Sirius shuddered. "No. No vets. Please, Harry, you're the only one I trust to do this."

"Wouldn't Hagrid--"

"Don't even think it. I've seen some of his 'home remedies' He'll tell you to shave my arse, give me an enema, and feed me a tablespoon of hinkypunk snot every four hours or something. If you don't want to do it, I'll just live with it. It's not that painful, really. It only hurts when I sit on it. Or when I run. Or--"

"I know what you're doing, Sirius."

"Is it working?"

Harry sighed. "Yes. What do you need me to do?"

"You have to press it -- gently!-- to see if anything comes out. If not, you'll have to get a... cleansing potion from Pomfrey. We'll try the other way first, but not in here. It'll stink something awful, and I'm not sure a cleaning charm would work if it got on the carpet. Let's go outside."

Grimacing, Harry watched his godfather transform, then followed him to the door. Snuffles did indeed have a swollen red bump on his rear end.

At the door, Sirius stopped and transformed back. "Harry, I never thought I'd have to say this to my own godson, but... stop staring at my arse."

Harry flushed bright red, but before he could retort, Sirius turned back into Snuffles and bounded out the door.

He followed the dog to a secluded spot near the greenhouses, a popular place for trysts. Harry suffered a brief moment of panic when he realized he was going to get his hands dirty, until Snuffles barked and nudged Harry's wand.

Grumbling about dogs who thought they were smarter than people, Harry stripped two leaves off a nearby bush, and transfigured them into rubber gloves, then transfigured another into a towel. He told Snuffles to crouch with his arse end in the air, and straddled the dog's back, hoping to keep himself out of range. By the sounds of it, he did not want to get this stuff on him.

"Ready?" Harry asked, and Snuffles gave a half whine, half yip, and moved his tail with reluctance. Harry could only imagine how much trouble it would be to do this to a real dog. He braced himself, pressed gently, and was rewarded with a squirt of thick brown liquid.

"Gah! What the hell is this stuff? I've never smelled anything so bad in my life."

Snuffles whined, but Harry didn't get a chance to answer. The faintest click interrupted them, followed instantly by a too-familiar flash of light. Harry dropped the towel, spun around, fell over Sirius, caught a glimpse of a black robe disappearing around a corner of the green house.

"Creevey!" Harry shrieked. "Snuffles, get him!"

Sirius untangled himself from Harry, scrambled to his feet, and bolted after the fleeing photographer. He got half way to the greenhouse before he slowed to a trot, then a walk, then sat down and dragged his butt across the grass. He looked back at Harry and whined.

"Oh for the love of Merlin." Harry flopped down in the grass, and sighed when Snuffles limped over to nose through his hair. "If this gets out to the rest of the school, you owe me a complete set of new quidditch gear, broom included."

Snuffles licked his face.

Sunday Morning

Snuffles was laying contritely on Harry's bed when he stormed in, torn and crumpled newspaper in his fist. The dog wagged his tail once, twice, then he lowered his head to the bedspread. Harry cast a locking charm on the door and a silencing charm so he could yell at his godfather.

"Front page of the Daily Prophet," he snarled, and tossed the battered paper on the bed. Only half the headline remained -- 'OY-WHO-LOVES... BEAST?' -- but most of the picture was intact. Harry's face was clearly visible, but his hands, and Snuffles' arse, were not. The caption read: Is Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, a sexual deviant?

Sirius put a paw over his muzzle and whined.

"It's not like you have anything to whine about," Harry grumbled.

Sirius transformed and picked up the paper to read the fragment of the article. "Don't be so sure. I'm certain Moony gets the Prophet. I'm going to get a howler, I know it."

"Better Moony than Draco Malfoy."

"True," Sirius said, and held up a hand to ward off Harry's glare. "Look, I was supposed to leave for Rumania tonight. It won't hurt to leave half a day early, and I don't think you need Snuffles following you around right now. I'll go if it will make things easier."

Harry snorted, and sat on the bed. Sirius scooted up next to him, flung an arm over Harry's shoulder, pulled him close. "Nothing will make it easier."

"It'll blow over, just like the Heir of Slytherin, and the Triwizard tournament. You'll see."

"I'm sure it will, but that doesn't save me from months of misery in the meantime."

"Well, if it's any consolation, you could do worse. I've had professional breeders tell me I'm a very attractive dog. Seriously. Though this one lady kind of scared me. She went on and on about about my hindquarters..." Sirius ran his fingers through Harry's hair, and grinned down at him. "What is it about Snuffles' arse?"

"Oh shut up," Harry mumbled into his chest. "Believe me, your arse looks better in human form."

Sirius was silent a moment, and Harry realized what he'd said. Then he realized how intimate their position was, and pulled away, straightening his robes. Then he realized how straightening his robes looked, blushed, and folded his hands in his lap, then shifted them to his sides. He didn't have anything to hide. Though if he thought too long about it, he might.

"I guess you'd better leave before everyone gets back from breakfast," Harry said. "I'll walk you out."

Sirius accepted the transparent diversion -- though the look on his face said they were going to have a long talk very soon -- and caught him in a hug, then transformed. Harry opened the door, only to find Dean, Seamus, and Neville standing there.

"Why'd you have the door locked, Harry?" Neville asked, but Snuffles chose that moment to move to Harry's heel. Three gazes landed on the dog, then flicked back up to Harry's face.

"Not -- one -- word," Harry said, and pushed past them.

He walked Snuffles out to the Whomping Willow and the passage to Hogsmeade, bravely ignoring the whispering, pointing, laughing, catcalls, and insults, until they encountered Snape in the entrance hall.

"Mr Potter," Snape said, raising an eyebrow as Sirius growled. "Taking your... friend... for a walk?"

"Shut it, Snape."

"Ten points from Gryffindor for insolence, Potter."

Harry echoed his godfather's growl, but decided to save his energy for getting through classes Monday, and stomped away, Snuffles at his heel and casting growls back at the Potions master.

Behind them Snape smirked, and reached into his pocket to caress the fat cheque from the Daily Prophet.

~Finis~

And yes, my dog had a more serious version of Snuffles' little problem. He's okay now, though he had a few bumps before the anesthetic wore off since he persisted in staggering around my apartment instead of sensibly sleeping it off.