Prologue – 3 years ago –Seattle


I can feel myself falling in and out of consciousness and there is nothing I can do. I hear a door opening and closing, I hear my mother talking in a hushed voice, but before I have to chance to hear what they are saying, I feel myself being pulled back into the darkness.

Despite the pain and the fog that has set in my brain, little snippets of memories immediately come crashing down on me. Laughing, I felt happy as I walked down the stairs of my new home, but then I turned around to look at my mother and I slipped on the stairs…there was shouting and so much pain. The pain in my belly was unbearable, my mother was screaming…there was more pain and she told me to push…I remember telling her that it was too soon, that we needed to call an ambulance. Panic! Dread was setting in because I knew my little baby was in distress and at that moment while looking into my mother's eyes, I knew that things could go very wrong.

The pain was coming in waves as I heard my mother telling me to push. I was crying and praying for my little girl to be born healthy. The pain is intensifying and then relief. The urge to open my eyes is indescribable when I hear soft cries. She doesn't stop crying and I can't open my eyes…

"How is she doing, Carla?"

"She will be fine"

"She won't, she will be devastated…" Daddy, what is he doing here? He was supposed to be on his fishing trip with Mr. Rodriguez.

"We should take her to the hospital, Carla. Didn't you tell me she hit her head? Maybe.." My dad's voice breaks.

"Time heals all wounds. Besides she has her job, Ray! And we won't be going to the hospital, you know how much she hates hospitals! Also, I told you a good friend of mine who is a doctor came to check her over. He told me she is fine. Her body endured a traumatic experience and that's why she is still unconscious, her brain is basically protecting her."

There is a long silence and I fear that I am pulled in the darkness again, but then I hear my dad again.

"She doesn't like her job, Carla!"

I hear my mother sigh and the only thing I want to do is to scream at them and tell them to stop arguing.

"Stop it! What is there not to like? She travels the world, meets celebrities and makes a lot of money."

"We aren't all obsessed with money, Carla"

"Well, I didn't hear you complaining when she bought you that boat." My mother sneers. Stop! Stop!

"I'll come back later." My dad mutters. Shortly after I can smell his scent and then his lips are on my forehead.

"I love you, Annie" He whispers.

It's dark when I'm finally able to open my eyes and the first person I see is my dad. His hand is tightly gripping onto mine as he is staring into space. With all the force I can muster I squeeze his hand and his face immediately snaps in my direction.

"Annie, oh God, Annie"

"Where is my baby?" I rasp.

"Annie…" And it's then in that moment that I realize something is terribly wrong. His eyes. I can see it in his eyes.

"Where is she?" I plead.

"I'm so sorry…" He closes his eyes and I see a tear falling down his cheek.

"What…dad…no…no…" Raising to his feet my dad engulfs me in a bone-crushing hug.

"I'm so sorry, Annie…I am so sorry…your little girl didn't make it…"

"She …was…crying…I heard her cry, daddy…you have to believe me…when she was born…I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore…Please I...want my... baby" I sob against his chest. Painful heart-wrenching sobs.

"I am so sorry, Annie." No! No!

I don't know where I get the strength from, but I manage to push my dad away. He is trying to calm me down, but I refuse to listen to him or look at him for that matter. But then this rush of anger overtakes me.

"I want to see her," I say gripping his shirt with both hands. "Give me my daughter…"

"You have been unconscious for three days Annie, she is gone…Phoebe is gone."

I let go of my father's shirt and I feel my arms falling limb on the bed. The anger, the disbelief, are gone. Instead, an incredible sadness has taken place. I have never felt a pain like this before. Through my tears, I look at my father and slide my hand in his. I just feel pain a lot of pain. I have lost a piece of myself and I will never be the same again.

"I also think you need to put the house on the Sound up for sale" my mother rattles while she is busy going through a fashion magazine. She snorts "I don't even know why you felt the need to buy that ridiculously big house either. Your life is in L.A., Anastasia and not in Seattle."

I close my eyes in the hope that she will just shut up. I can't stand to hear her voice anymore, I can barely stand to look at her at this point. It has been two days since I asked my dad to take me to Montesano. I couldn't spend one more minute in the house at The Sound. The house I bought for the two of us. A house with a beautiful meadow. A house where Phoebe could grow up being happy and close to my father and Kate and sheltered from the paparazzi.

"I will contact a realtor later today." She shifts on the couch and sighs. "I will send her clothes to Goodwill and I will make sure her room is emptied"

"You will do no such thing. She has already been taken away from me, her room and her clothes are the only things I have left."

"Oh, Ana, you've always been so dramatic, remember when you lost that dirty, beer? You cried for weeks."

"Do you even care that she is gone, mother? Don't you feel sad? Aren't you heartbroken that you won't be able to see your grandchild grow up and achieve all the milestones she should be achieving?"

"Of course I am sad. But life goes on, Ana, you are still young"

"What did she look like, mom?" I say cutting her off. The pain is excruciating, and it alternates with numbness. I am mad at my mother, at myself, hell I am mad at the world. Why was she taken away from me? Why did I never get the chance to see and hold my little girl, and tell her how much I had longed to meet her.

"Anastasia, don't put yourself through this"

"I want to hear how she looked like." I grip the blanket that is covering my legs and stare out of the window.

"I already told you" She sighs.

"Then tell me again, please," I whisper.

"You need to forget about her, Anastasia. The sooner you forget about her, the better! You can focus back on your career and…"

"Her? Her? Her name is Phoebe, mother! And I will never, ever forget about my little girl!" I yell.

She looks shocked by my outburst, but the shock is soon replaced by her mask. Indifference. Doesn't she feel anything? Isn't she sad? This little girl was supposed to be her granddaughter.

"Why?" I ask my mother

"Anastasia, we've already discussed this. I thought…"

"You thought it was for the best to have my little girl cremated before I could even see her? Touch her?" I hiss.


"Get out, mom" She looks up from the magazine she is reading, a frown marring her face.

"Anastasia, you have to be in Milan in two weeks, I was supposed to go with you…"

"I am not going to Milan, mother. I made Hannah cancel all the shoots and appointments I had for the next six months. I want you to go away. I want you to leave this house, I don't want to see you. I am staying here with dad"

"You don't mean that…" She rises from the chair and calmly places the magazine she was reading on the table.

"I can't stand to look at you, mother. You made decisions that weren't yours to make. She was my little girl…" I bite back a sob as the hurt and pain grips my heart at the thought of my little girl. She can't be gone. I don't believe it. I am her mother, I should feel it.

"You weren't able to make decisions, Anastasia!" She shakes her head in annoyance and throws her hands in the air in desperation. "You were unconscious for a few days, Anastasia!" She takes a deep breath and straightens her shoulders.

"I understand that it is your grief talking right now." She continues. "I will be staying in that awful motel in this awful town and I'll be back in two weeks. You will need to call your personal trainer, you need to get your body back into shape." Her eyes dart over my still swollen stomach.

"You won't be staying here in Montesano, mom. I don't want you near me. I want you to leave the state"

"After everything I gave up for you?"

I laugh coldly. "You didn't give anything up for me, except for a loveless marriage to a guy who was emotionally and physically abusive to you and your teenage daughter! Don't talk to me about sacrificing anything for me. You were all too happy when you were able to escape that horrible house!"

"I gave up my job for you"

"Right, the job as a nurse in which you only worked the nightshifts. You hated it and you made sure I knew it."

"Ana." I raise my hand telling her to stop talking.

"I just called Hannah and told her not to include you in my travel arrangements anymore," I say looking at her.

"But I am your manager!"

I snort. "You are not my manager because I don't have a manager mother! I have Hannah who is my personal assistant. Hannah is the one who makes sure that all of my bases are covered. Hannah works all day every day to better my career. She also has the connections in the industry! As for you…" I take a deep breath and try to push the anger and tears away. "You have been tagging along for all these years and haven't really contributed anything. The only thing you managed all these years, and especially these last eight months was to make me feel guilty or bad about myself. I simply tolerated you, because I didn't want you to run away with the next guy you met." I swallow and have to look away when I see the tears in my mother's eyes. But deep in my heart I know she is not crying for me, she is crying for herself.

"Hannah transferred a substantial amount of money into your account so you can continue a similar lifestyle as you are used to."

"I knew the moment you told me you were pregnant that it was a mistake. I told you that there were a lot of options, but no…you had to be stubborn and now look at where it took you" She sniffs haughtily. "It even cost you your relationship with Thomas, and he is a great catch, Ana."

"Stop talking about my baby as if she was a nuisance. She was welcome from the moment I knew I was pregnant and as for Thomas, I don't want you mentioning his name ever again in my presence. If he would be the great man you claim he is, he wouldn't have walked out on me after being together for 2 years."

"He is still her father, Anastasia, he had a right to ask you for an abortion" She presses on.

"Get the fuck out of here," I yell. I have my hands clenched into fists.

"I will not tolerate..." She is not able to finish her sentence because the door to the living room is slammed open.

"GET OUT!" My dad is standing in the doorway and I have never seen him looking this mad before.

"I have heard the entire conversation and I have never been more repulsed with a person than I am now with you." He takes a few steps towards my mother who has now the tears streaming down her face. I watch his big hand grabbing her elbow and dragging her towards the door. "I will personally take you to the airport and don't ever mention that low life's name in my house ever again."

"Raymond Steele!" My mother is trying to pull away from my dad's grip, but he is too strong for her.

"Out. And don't contact my daughter unless she contacts you" That's the last thing I hear of the conversation before my dad drags my mother to his car.

It's two days later and I finally feel calmer now that my mother has left the state. I don't know where she is and at this point, I don't care. It's not that I don't want to ever see her again, but now I am not ready and maybe I'll never will. I guess time will tell.


"Yes, Annie" He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

"Is it okay if I stay here for a while with you in Montesano?"

"Of course," He says without hesitation. "But don't you want to go back to Seattle or to your fancy apartment in LA?"

"Not yet" I breathe. "I will have to go back in a while, but I am not ready to face that right now. I've decided not to move into the house at the Sound. The memories are too much to handle at the moment."

"You are welcome to stay here as long as you want, Annie"

Placing my head on his shoulder, I sigh and close my eyes. "This might sound strange, but I feel closer to her here," I whisper. Because I know deep down she is still here.

My dad doesn't respond, but then again he doesn't have to, I know he really understands me.

Christian - 3 years ago – Northwest Hospital Seattle

"Mom, I need to talk to you." The nurse she is talking too scowls at me for interrupting their conversation, but I don't give a shit.

"Christian honey, it's really busy at the moment." She says quickly looking at the nurse. Placing her hand on my arm she squeezes it gently. "Can't it wait until dinner tonight? You are still coming over with Jessica, aren't you?"

"There will be no more dinners with Jessica, mom," I say through clenched teeth.

"What are you talking about? I just spoke with her yesterday, we even made plans to…"

"She had an abortion." I blurt out not being able in keeping it inside me for one second longer.

"Excuse us for a moment, Nadia" My mother looks at the nurse and drags me through the very crowded hallway until we reach the hospital cafeteria. She pushes me down on one of the chairs and takes a seat next to me. Her hands immediately cover mine as she waits for me to start talking. Despite my anger, I see that the cafeteria is almost abandoned. There is only one table occupied by two women.

"Talk to me" I have no idea how my mom can be so calm about this. My mother who was never able to have children of her own and suffered through three miscarriages is against abortion.

"She came home yesterday from her trip to Washington DC and I immediately noticed that she looked flushed. She waved it off and said she was really tired. Later I found her in the bathroom and there was so much blood…" I close my eyes and try to get the image out of my head.

"Go on, honey," My mom says softly.

"I took her to the hospital, but through the entire drive she kept saying that she was menstruating, but I just didn't believe her, so I kept driving. I stayed with her the entire night and this morning the doctor just confirmed that the fever and the severe blood loss was because of an infection. She just confessed that she never went to that seminar, instead, that bitch went to a fucking quack and had our baby aborted!" I am practically yelling at this point. It's only when I feel my mother's thumbs wiping over my cheeks that I notice that I am crying.

"I know you are mad, but keep your voice down, Christian" My eyes dart to the women sitting on the other side, but the one dressed in white, who I assume was a doctor has left. The other woman is now talking on the phone while her eyes keep darting in our direction.

"She aborted my 10-week old baby. How can someone be so cruel?" Gently I push my mother's hand away and wipe the tears from my eyes. I need to move on, I need to forget about Jessica. From the corner of my eye, I see Taylor standing a few feet away from us. The moment I make eye contact he makes his way towards me.


"Jessica and I are as of now no longer together. The few belongings she has in my apartment, I want them removed immediately. She can't have access to me, my family or GEH." Taylor's response is a simple nod, but I know her things will be gone before I get home tonight.

Turning around again I meet my mother's sad eyes. "I want to adopt. I need you and dad to help me adopt a baby."

"Christian, you can't make these decisions based on grief" She reaches for my hand and squeezes gently.

"I'm not, mom. You know how much I wanted a child. I don't need her. Please, mom"

"Of course we will help you, Christian" Relief floods through my body when I hear my mother's words.

Anastasia – Present day

"So this will be the first year you won't be in Seattle for Phoebe's birthday?" I look away when I see the compassion on Rhian's face. I nod my head and stare out of the window. It's raining, the sky is gray and dull and it mirrors exactly how I feel right now.

"How does that make you feel?"

I snort and roll my eyes. "You are sounding more and more like your husband every day, Rhian" I tease.

"What can I say, being married to a psychiatrist does things to your head" She slowly takes a sip of her wine, her eyes never leaving mine. Meaning, I still have to answer her question. How do I feel about not being in Seattle?

"I don't know, I guess it's time, also, I promised Kate ages ago to take this trip and I had to postpone it several times due to my schedule" I shrug. "Besides, I just need to stay busy and Kate is a good listener, the best friend, and the perfect distraction," I say bravely. Even though I don't feel brave at all. I have always felt closer to her in Seattle, and it's a feeling I can't pinpoint. But it's like a part of her is still here. Like she never died, and the idea of not being in Seattle on that particular date has me completely on edge.

"And where is the trip going?" She says crossing her legs. This I can talk about.

"The Maldives. We have this bungalow over the water. It's a secluded spot so hopefully, I can catch up on my writing."

"And how is that coming along?"

"It's hard. Child loss is often misunderstood by many people. It is incredibly difficult to give someone an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime." She nods understandingly.

"I love my child just as much as you love yours, Rhian. The only difference is that my daughter lives in heaven and unfortunately is talking about her a taboo in our culture. I want to make people see that even though it makes them feel uncomfortable, it doesn't make her any less. I want to tell people that it is compassion and love and not advice that is needed. I want people to know that there is no "moving on", or "getting over it". There is simply no solution to my broken heart. I want people to know that the death of your child is irrevocable."

Author's note: Hi! Here it is, my new story Irrevocable. Updates will be once a week, on Friday. I made a Pinterest board for this story: 1974alner / irrevocable /

And last but not least! A very big thank you to my good friend for helping me! You know who you are.

Let me know what you think!

Alner X