Title: VSD of Haldir of Lorien

Author: Bithsith aka Bithysith

Pairing: Innuendo between various boyz

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This wonderful idea was started by the brilliant Cassie Claire. Now that she has given up the VSDs, I took it upon myself to write a Haldir Dairy as an homage to her series. (Oh yeah, LOTR and all its characters belong to Tolkien)

Archiving: Please ask permission

Warnings: Slash implied

Summary: Haldir decides to start writing in his own Diary after the Fellowship leave Lothlorien. Hilarity ensues. (Hopefully)


Very Secret Diary of Haldir of Lorien

Day 1: Just discovered that it is all the rage to keep a Very Secret Diary. Feel like a turnip for being only elf in Lothlorien w/out one - including that ponce Legolas. No doubt his is pink and covered in pansies.

Day 2: Must admit, have been somewhat amused since Fellowship approached Golden Wood. Would have liked to stick mine in that gorgeous piece-of- man, Boromir. Was love at first sight, and motivation to bring "Sacred Band" up into flets. Got nowhere, just into pissing contest with ugly dwarf. Gave meanest eyebrow-arch/pouty lip combo and told them to bugger off. Smelly elf-wannabe got desperate and offered various sexual services in return for entrance to Lorien. Gave in just to make him stop describing Hobbit-love in such detail.

Day 3: Tried to get Boromir's attention by brushing and plaiting hair, but was ignored for Hobsy-twins and that other man-thing. Can't believe he would give up wild night in the trees w/ me for that git - is obvious that Mr. Stubbles is pervy Hobbit fancier.

Day 4: Legolas laughed when he found out seduction attempt failed. Resisted urge to punch him in the face, but instead decided to put Nair in his shampoo bottle. Plan backfired when Rumil decided to borrow it from Legolas. Don't think he will ever forgive me. Now others will definitely be able to tell him and Orophin apart.

Day 5: Heard smelly human bad-mouthing my weave. Couldn't decide on suitable punishment. Was going to tell Sam about his fetish for fruity, big-eyed Hobbit - but decided judgment was too cruel, even for me. "Bugger Brigade" left before was able to devise brilliant revenge. Bugger.

Day 6: Contemplating revenge.

Day 10: Still contemplating revenge.

Day 13: Perfect revenge still eluding me.

Day 15: Got word from Lady Galadriel and her bitch that I am to lead Galadhrim archers to aid humans at Helm's Deep. Am v. pleased, as was given butch golden armor, big red cloak, and command of many sexy elf-boys. Felt multitude of eager eyes burning into back(side) as we marched to Rohan. Go me!

Day 16: Still marching. Torturing young archers by swaying hips in particularly alluring fashion. Is quite satisfying.

Day 17: Devised brilliantly effective hip swaying/hair flipping combo. Could be deadly in battle.

Day 18: Bloody hell. Surprised by big slobbery hug from that rancid human. Was frozen in terror and met him w/ nothing but silly face. Heard Legolas giggling at us. Now have double vendettas to deal out. Will plan as soon as battle is over. Those two tits deserve each other. In other news, heard Boromir snuffed it. Bummer.

Later Day 18: Totally stole spotlight at Helm's Deep. Even distracted a few Uruk-hai w/ finesse and god-like good looks. Legolas got pissy and tried to outdo me by sliding down a stairway on a shield. Will now call him "The Flaming Projectile".

Even Later Day 18: Stabbed in back. Literally. Perhaps shiny new armor attracted too much attention. Spent last seconds on Middle Earth in stinking human's arms. Will die beautiful and un-avenged - this sucks. Stupid Orcs.