Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. To be totally honest, why would I want to? I'd rather have a tank. Then I would never have to worry about giving way on the roads and parking. Life would be much simpler if I had a tank.
Quick Explanation: This is a joke. It is not my opinion on anything. It's Harry's, and any flames should be sent to him. I just typed what he ranted at me.
To Joanne with Love - by Nights Mistress
The Smallest Bedroom
4 Privet Drive
Dear Ms Rowling,
It has come to my attention that you have been writing an unofficial biography about me. While it is not illegal to write such a document, the methods that you have employed certainly are a violation of privacy.
Being referred to as the Boy Who Lived is bad enough in the wizarding world, but having a random individual record every insignificant event and action for worldwide publication is humiliating. I would have though that Rita Skeeter's predicament would have left a lasting impression, however this appears not to be the case.
In addition to either being constantly stalked by yourself or being monitored by surveillance system of Orwellian proportions, the publication of your biography has spawned thousand of spurious stories involving me in countless ludicrous situations. While I doubt that you wrote every individual story, it is clear that your biography is the direct cause of this tarnishing of my name.
All of this could have been excused, had you not had the audacity to commercialise my image in an attempt to sell more copies of your books. While I'm sure that you, in your castle with millions of pounds being paid to you daily, see nothing wrong with this, I on the other hand am unable to buy so much as a toothbrush without being confronted with your crass attempts to make money out of my life.
I have recently spoken to my lawyer and as a result will be taking legal action against you if you do not cease your actions as of the end of this month.
Harry J. Potter
p.s. Professor Snape appreciates how you have presented him in your work.
Authors Note: I wrote the majority of this in my head during an electrical engineering lecture. If you've ever been to one, you'd understand. If not, let me assure you, this is the most tame method that people employ to keep themselves awake. Generally they use illict substances.
So, what did you think? Let me know! Depending on what people think, I might actually start a whole series of letters address to various people. Come on, you know you want to read the letter the Dursleys sent to Dumbledore, or the letter that Draco Malfoy sent to Ron Weasley (and I'm not a slash writer, so get your head out of the gutter) or even the letter that Snape wrote to Sirius Black after the Whomping Willow incident.