Dear Ms Rowling,
As a representative of the Dementors Union, I have written in regards to the working conditions that we must endure. It's become so bad that we have problems with filling our shifts and many prisoners are not receiving the number of guardians that they should.
Firstly, the working environment. Azkaban is not an ideal working environment. The human residents are a rather depressing lot, especially Mr. Lestrange with his constant screaming, moaning and pleading. Also, because it is in the North Sea, Azkaban is bitterly cold, which is to be expected. However, we have been constantly requesting a central heating system or even some repairs on certain wings. As of yet, our plight has been ignored.
Secondly, employee benefits are minimal. In exchange for our guarding of magical criminals, we are repaid with but a pittance of a frail human emotion, which is never enough for all of our employees. While the minute amounts are preferable to nothing at all, this issue has been destroying employee morale, which when you consider the first point, wasn't that high to begin with.
Finally, we are tired of certain individuals making our job harder. Two years ago, we had an inmate escape and we requested the assistance of the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore. His aid was given grudgingly and was retracted without warning. This obstruction of justice allowed a convicted and dangerous criminal to walk free while we were placed on probation for our supposed lapse.
And of Harry Potter's unfortunate tendency to pass out whenever he is in close proximity, what of it? Why should the regulation of law be dependent on a child's selfish insistence of being the centre of attention? And, to make matters worse, once the child receives this attention, he spurns those to whom he should be the most grateful to, including you.
I have recently heard that an ally of mine, Mr. Riddle, has offered you a job. I have recently spoken to him, and he requests that you also become the spokesperson for the Dementors in addition to his PR agent, with an impressive increase in salary.
This new agreement is much to your advantage. In exchange to your favourable publicity about the Dementor's Union and your highlighting of our unjust plight, we will extend whatever protection that we possess onto you, and will agree not to perform the Kiss upon you. This, in addition to Mr. Riddle's offer, is one that has never been extended to anyone before, and should be an indication of how much we desire your skills.
We beg you for your assistance in this matter.
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Ix (Union Representative)
Authors Note: Thanks to Engineer Jess, I have discovered that programming lectures are perfect for fan fiction (and the throwing of aircraft – we are the Aerospace Avionics group after all). The Dementors were also her idea, although the union thing was mine.
Thanks also go to Cake Eater, WargQueen, Agiel, Kerbi and k00lgirl1808 for reviewing. (Do it again…please!)