Yu-Gi-Eh?!?

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: *somewhere in an alternate universe* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I own Yu-Gi-Oh! *back in this universe* I'm poor. *pout* I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! or anything related to it... I probably own Angry Black Mama in some weird distorted way...

Author's Notes: This is a PARODY. In other words, I'm making fun of the way the characters act normally. Which is why Seto is dressed...the way he's dressed...and why Téa constantly screams. Anywho, this is a product of my deranged mind and NOTHING ELSE!! Bwahahahahaha!! I would like to thank my friend who my anime otaku friends and I have dubbed 'Miroku', because he indirectly helped come up with small amounts of the material in the story. Now...on with the parody!! Cuss words are used frequently with much glamour. If you don't like it, tough....

Parody 1: The Duel!

            Seto and Yugi were engaged in a duel, again.

            "Here we go again!" Bakura exclaimed, hyperly.

            "This is duel number...4,579," Joey said, smartly, holding a calculator.

            "GO SETO!!! KICK YUGI'S ASS!!!" Téa yelled from the balcony. Tristan was nowhere to be found. He had probably randomly exploded long before this story began. Down at the dueling platform, the two duelists faced off against eachother.

            "I play the Blue Eyes White Dragon, for my opening card!" Seto, who was wearing a frilly pink dress and sloppily applied makeup (making him look like a deranged prostitute...), and twirling a purse around his left hand while placing the card with his right. The fabled white dragon with blue eyes appeared, roaring and making sounds of terror and stuff.

            "Child's play! My opening move is...Air Marmot of Nefariousness!" Yugi, well actually Yami, exclaimed. He was wearing...a pair of shorts. And that was it. Oh, the shorts had smiley-faces on them... Anyhow, the stupid looking obese rat with wings appeared.

            "Go, my marmot! Attack the Blue-Eyes!" Yami exclaimed.

            "You moron! Blue-Eyes has 3500 attack points and your marmot has 300!!" Seto protested.

            "Yes," Yami started, dramatically, "But it is a known fact that Blue-Eyes White Dragons have only one weakness...they are scared to death of rodents!"

            "NO!!" Seto gasped, paling.

            "YES!!!" Yami shouted.

            "NO!" Seto shrieked.

            "YES!!" Yami yelled.

            "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Seto screamed.

            "Y-" Yami started, but was interrupted by Téa, who gently told them to move on...

            "GET ON WITH THE DUEL YOU DAMN IDIOTS!!!!!" she shrieked.

            "Yes M'aam!" they exclaimed.

            "Anyway, because of this weakness, Blue-Eyes looses 3400 of it's 3500 attack points, WAY enough for me to destroy it! Go, Air Marmot!!

            "Squak!" the marmot exclaimed.

            "ROAR!!" the Blue Eyes shrieked in terror, cowering on the ground with it's hands over it's eyes and it's wings flat on it's back.

            "ARGH!!!" Seto arghed in defeat as the Blue-Eyes was destroyed.

            "Your move, Kaiba!" Yami exclaimed, triumphant, doing a dance of victory on his dueling platform. This was made difficult because his feet were handcuffed to the platform, but whatever...

            "That's Seto!!" Seto exclaimed. He then drew a card.

            "Yuuuuugi!! He drew Saggi the Dark Clowwwwwwn!" Mokuba yelled from his perch on a high shelf on the other side of the dueling platform, with binoculars. Seto turned and glared at him.

            "Whose side are you ON?!" he demanded.

            "The side that's paying me 20$ per card!" Mokuba yelled back. Seto began to cry, smearing his sloppily applied mascara.

            "Even my own family is turning against me?! Why? WHY?? WH-" Seto began to lament.            "CUT THE DAMN CRYING AND MOVE ON WITH THE DUEL!!!!" screamed Téa, psychopathically. Seto nodded, and dried his tears with his purse.

            "Téa is right. I should just put this behind me," he said. Then, he dramatically placed a card from his hand face up on the field. "Swordstalker, skin that damn rat!" Seto shrieked. Swordstalker grinned evilly, and destroyed the Air Marmot.

            "Dark Magician! Shatter the Swordstalker!" Dark Magician appeared, blew a kiss to the female fans in the audience (who swooned), and attacked the Swordstalker with his spiffycool staff type thing.

            "Oh, Dark Magician is so GREAT!!" the female fans in the audience exclaimed and, in unison, all pulled out their Dark Magician cards and began to glomp them with red hearts appearing above them in the air.

            "I'm running out of options...damn..." Seto said, as he drew a card. He jumped for joy. "I spoke too soon! I'll play a card so frightening and terrible that all Duel Monsters tremble before it!" Seto started. Yami attempted to back away in fear, but he was chained to the platform.

            "It's the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, isn't it!?"  Bakura exclaimed.

            "All signs indicate yes! It's most probable!" Joey yelled, scientifically.

            "TAKE HIM DOWN, SETO!!" Téa cheered.

           "...a card that is unstoppable! I play...the Angry Black Mama in attack mode!!!" Seto exclaimed. With a flash of light, the aforementioned card appeared on the field. She looked very much PO-ed, wearing an apron and some sort of scarf on her head. Her fingernailed hands were on her hips.  Everyone stared at the card, dumbfounded.

            "You are expecting to win with that card? It has 2000 attack points...which is actually pretty good... but not as good as Dark Magician..." Yami said.

            "But wait! I'll add this...a power up card called the Broom of Doom!" Seto exclaimed, placing another card on the field. A broom materialized in her hands, and she smirked at the Dark Magician. The broom raised her attack points to 2500.

            "HA!! Your Broom of Doom did nothing! Now Dark Magician and Angry Black Mama have equal attack points!" Yami exclaimed.

            "But you still have no idea of the awesome power of Angry Black Mama! She doesn't get a Field Power Bonus for being on ANY field, so instead, she gets power-ups against certain cards...namely, MALE cards!" Seto shrieked diabolically.

            "No!" Yami exclaimed, in denial.

            "Yes!!!" Seto shrieked diabolically.

            "NO!!" Yami yelled in shock.

            "YES!!!!" Seto screamed.

            "N-" Yami started again.

            "SHUT UP!! DAMN YOU!! JUST CONTINUE WITH THE DUEL BEFORE I HAVE TO COME DOWN THERE AND PERSONALLY RIP YOUR STUPID ARMS OFF!!!" Téa screamed in furious angry rage. The two rivals gulped, and turned back to the duel.

            "Angry Black Mama! ATTACK!!!" Seto commanded, smirking VERY evilly. The aforementioned card shifted her broom to one hand, and put her other hand on her hip.

            "What 'chu doin', boy (bwoiee)?" the Angry Black Mama demanded.

            "Who, me?" Dark Magician asked.

            "No, da otha' boy (bwoiee) actin' da foo'!" (translation: No, the other boy acting the fool) Angry Black Mama replied.

            "Eh?" the Dark Magician asked.

            "Uhm...can we get a translator in here?" Bakura asked.

            "In the absence of a translator, I shall have to fill in, with my brilliance! Allow me to see... it seems  as if the Furious African-American Mother asked the Dark Magician what it was that he was in the process of doing. Dark Magician asked if she was referring to him. She replied positively, saying rather sarcastically that she was NOT talking to him, but the other adolescent male with a current state of action that reflects stupidity," Joey said.

            "That's Jonouchi, thank you," he replied. The narrator sweatdropped.

            "Um..." Bakura and Téa said in unison.

            "Boy(bwoiee), what'chu just say?" Angry Black Mama demanded. Seto, Yami, Mokuba, and Dark Magician also looked clueless. Everybody coughed, and tried to forget what had just happened, continuing with the duel.

            "Eh?" the Dark Magician asked. The Angry Black Mama fumed.

            "Git outta dat costume, foo'! It ent Hall'ween!" the Angry Black Mama exclaimed.

            "I can't do that! This is all I'm wearing!!" Dark Magician protested. The females of the audience grinned at him.

            "That's all right, Dark Magey-chan!! You can take it off, we won't mind!" they exclaimed, in perfect unison. Dark Magician blushed, Angry Black Mama fumed, and Seto and Yami commenced in hitting their rather hard heads against the dueling platform.

            "YARGH!!" Angry Black Mama exclaimed, having had enough, hitting him in the head a few times with the Broom of Doom. (TM)

            "Ow! Ow! Besides, I can't that this off, it's what I wear! I'm a Duel Monster, you idiot!" Dark Magician protested.

            "I KNOW you did NOT just call ME an idiot!!" Angry Black Mama screamed.

            "If the shoe fits!!" Dark Magician snapped.

            "^%$**&^%^*$%^@#$^$%&#$^&@$%^%#&$%^@#$%@#$^$%^$%!!!!" Angry Black Mama shrieked and, with that menacing battle cry, she jumped Dark Magician, shredding his armor and leaving him in nothing but a pair of purple boxers. The female members of the audience swooned, the black members of the audience hooped and hollered, cheering the Angry Black Mama, and the other male members of the audience just grumbled about how they could be JUST as handsome as Dark Magician if they dyed their hair...

            "Now git to your (yawr) room and clean it!" the Angry Black Mama exclaimed, hitting the Dark Magician with her broom. He was destroyed, and Yugi's life points went down.

            "Crapola!" Yami shouted. He started to panic.

            'Shit shit shit shit SHIT!! If I lose this duel I'll have to be Téa's slave for a week! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO, DAMMIT?!?!'  he mentally screamed .Well, there went the PG-13 rating...

            'Relax, Yami. I've got a plan!' Yugi reassured his evil psychopathic side who was cursing wildly and threatening mass homicide... 'We just need to draw the right card!! Come on, Heart of the Cards, don't let us down!' Yugi cheered.

            'You don't ACTUALLY believe in that hoakey crap, do you?' Yami asked.

            'You DON'T believe in it? How do you think we won the duels with Mai and Pegsy?' Yugi protested. Yami mentally shrugged.

            'Dumb luck,' he replied.

            'ARGH! YAMI!! That's NOT what you were supposed to say!' Yugi screamed at him.

            "Uh ..Yugi? What are you doing?" Seto called from across the dueling field. Yugi had suddenly gone silent, but was waving his hands wildly and frantically, as if he were two people talking with the same body. He wasn't saying a word...and it was REALLY creeping Seto out. Seto, and the rest of the UNIVERSE!!!

            "Konnichiwa!!" exclaimed a girl with purple hair. Everyone jumped away from her, startled.

            "MIHO-CHAN!! How great it is to see you!!" Jonouchi greeted the girl. The girl smiled in a friendly way, and then exploded. Apparently the narrator doesn't like her that much, either. Well, it's not that the narrator doesn't like Miho, but more like she is just dead weight in an already pointless story. So, why did I write the previous paragraph(s)? To mess with your minds. Did I succeed???

            Yugi and Yami had failed to notice the appearance of Miho, and had continued in their mental debate.

            'It's KamEhameha!! TURTLE wave, not GOD wave!!' Yugi screamed at his dark counterpart.

            'I'm sticking with my argument that PLASTIC DUCKIES GO WOOF!!' Yami shouted.

            'Ahem, the DUEL?!' exclaimed another voice.

            'Who are YOU?!' Yugi and Yami demanded in unison.

            'Your rational voice,' the voice replied.

            'Really? Wow, I didn't know we HAD a rational voice. Where have you been?' Yugi replied. The new voice paused, seeming to think.

            'Mostly on Vacation in Jamaica,' the voice replied. Yugi and Yami turned to look at eachother mentally, and shrugged in unison, returning to their debate.

            'Anyway, you said you had an idea for the duel...' Yami started.

           'Huh? Oh! Right! I was thinking...Seto said that she gets a power bonus against MALE cards, right? Why don't we play a female card?' Yugi suggested, pointing to a card in his deck.

            'GOOD THINKING YUGI!!' Yami exclaimed. Yugi beamed with pride.

            "YUUUUUUGI! HELLOOOOOOO!! YOU IN THERE?" Seto exclaimed. Yami suddenly blinked, smirked at Kaiba, drawing a card. He grinned at the card, kissed it, and then proceeded to glomp it in joy. Everyone sweatdropped, except Seto.

            "What's your move? Or do you surrender? I wouldn't blame you if you did, not many cards in Duel Monsters can stand against the awesome power of Angry Black Mama!" Seto ego-tripped.

            "I'll never surrender! Go, Dark Magician...GIRL!!" Yami exclaimed, dramatically placing her card face-up on the field. Dark Magician Girl appeared, and blew a kiss at the audience, posing in a series of provocative poses. The male members of the audience drooled, the females grumbled about skanky blondes, and the black members of the audience continued to hoop and holler, yo.

            "Is THAT your big play?" Seto asked, not even TRYING to hold back his laughter.

            "I'm not done YET, Kaiba!" Yami exclaimed, getting ready to place another card on the field.

            "SETO!! THE NAME'S SETO, GODDAMMIT!!!" Seto shrieked. Yami just ignored him, and placed the card down.

            "I'll add an equipment magic card called Black Pendant to Dark Magician Girl, raising her attack powers by 500 points! Dark Magician Girl and Angry Black Mama are equal!" Yami exclaimed. Seto smirked, and on his next turn, placed a Magic card face down on the field. No one could pronounce it's name, but it took Dark Magician Girl's attack points back to 2000.   

            "^&*%!!" Yami shrieked.

            "Angry Black Mama...ATTACK!!" Seto commanded. The Angry Black Mama walked up to the Dark Magician Girl.       

            "Git outta those skankay clothes, girl!" Angry Black Mama demanded.

            "No!" Dark Magician Girl protested. Angry Black Mama fumed.

            WHAP!

            WHAP!!

            WHAPPERS!!!

            Dark Magician Girl was destroyed and Yugi's life points went down. Yugi pouted, noticing that every time I talk about life points going down, I say him, but whenever Yami is playing a kickbutt monster, I use his name...

            "FIDDLESTICKS!!" exclaimed Yami.

            "Yay!! I'm gonna beat Yu-gi! I'm gonna beat Yu-gi!" Seto sang, glomping his purse. Yami drew another card.

            'Perfect!' exclaimed all three of Yugi's voices.

            "I've just drawn the card of your destruction! It will most surely take down that fearsome beast of yours!" Yami exclaimed.

            "Fearsome beast?" asked Mokuba.

            "Damn straight!" she shouted, and prepared for battle.

            "First," Yami said, elegantly pulling a card from his hand and preparing to lay it down on the field, "I'll play Celtic Guardian in Attack Mode! I'll also play a very unimportant card that will NOT be the instrument of your destruction face down!" Yami said. Seto eyed the Harpy's Feather Duster Card in his hand.

            'Better not use it. He DID just say that it was unimportant and would NOT be the instrument of my destruction...' he thought. He shook his head.

            "Angry Black Mama, attack the Celtic Guardian!" he commanded.

            "Not so fast!" Yami exclaimed and, predictably, turned over his face down card, a Trap Card. Seto fumed.

            "HEY!! You said it WOULDN'T be the instrument of my destruction!" Seto protested.

            "I lied," Yami replied, shrugging. "Anyway, the Trap Card I'm now playing is called 'Fried Chicken'! This is a very fearsome Trap Card indeed! It stops any monster that is attacking and also likes Fried Chicken from attacking," Yami explained, sounding all smart and scholarly. A bucket of KFC appeared on the field, and the Angry Black Mama took one look at it, and dove straight into the bucket, abandoning her broom and lowering her attack points to 2000. Loud eating noises could be heard from within.

            "What?" Seto squawked.

            "It's simple! Everyone who knows ANYTHING about Duel Monsters know that the Angry Black Mama's one true weakness is Fried Chicken!" Yami replied.

            "Argh! No!" Seto exclaimed.

            "Yes!" Yami exclaimed.

            "NO!!!" Seto shrieked in denial. Yami was about to reply, but stopped at the demonic and evil look Téa was giving him.

            "But stopping the Angry Black Mama is not the only thing this Trap Card does!" Yami pointed out.

            "Eh?" Seto asked. His attention was suddenly turned to Angry Black Mama, who had finally come up for air. She was MUCH plumper than before.

            "What's going on?" he asked. Yami snickered.

            "My Trap Card has transformed her into a different monster! Now, she is the Fat Black Mama!" the king of games explained. Seto felt like his world was shattering like glass. He clutched the Dueling Platform where the score and the time and number of times a duelist had thought about sex and other miscellaneous information was. It was true; the display showed the name Fat Black Mama, with...500 attack and defense points.

            "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Seto screamed in denial.

            "Attack, Celtic Guardian!" screeched Yami. The spiffycool elvish swordsman guy walked up to Fat Black Mama and the now empty bucket of KFC, brandishing his sword in a threatening manner. Fat Black Mama glared at Celtic Guardian.

            "What'chu doin', foo'? Put away dat sword!" she exclaimed. The Celtic Guardian pulled his sword away from her and began to stroke it, lovingly, sending a glare at Fat Black Mama that said 'No way in HELL, bitch!!'.

            "Hey! Don't gimme dat kinda look, foo'!" Fat Black Mother screamed. Celtic Guardian jumped with his awesome elvish skills, and sliced her in half. She was destroyed, and Seto's already damaged life points went down to 0! Yami won! Yay!!!

            "Crap!" Seto screamed, and threw his purse at Yami. Yami dodged to the side, and the purse zoomed past him, blowing up when it came into contact with the nearest solid object...which happened to be Bandit Keith, Bonz, the Paradox Brothers, Weevil Underwood, Rex Raptor, Pegasus, Heishin, and the stupid dubbers that changed 'Saint Dragon, God of Osiris' to 'Slysheen the Sky Dragon'. -_-'''

            "DAMN!! SETO LOST!!" Téa shrieked.

            "Come on! 20$! Hand it over!" Bakura demanded. She screamed at him for thirty minutes, then handed him a twenty dollar bill. He cheerily ran off to buy plain M 'n M's. Mokuba ran up, danced joyfully, and congratulated Yami in winning the duel. Téa ran up and threatened unholy violence to Seto, screaming at him that she wanted her dress back. Jonouchi stood on the platform, calculating things. He had a pleased look on his face. Seto ripped the Angry Black Mama card in half, and threw it into a conveniently placed fire. At this gesture, the remaining black members of the audience abruptly left, destroying some random things in the process.   

            "Well, Kaiba, are you going to hold up your part of the bargain?" Yami asked, holding out a pink bunny rabbit suit. Seto sighed.

            "I'm bound to my word," he said, taking the rabbit costume. He then proceeded to strip (the female audience members swooned) and turn around in a circle three times shouting 'I'M A MAGICAL UNICORN!!!! WITH RAINBOW HAIR AND GLOWING HORN!!!'. He then (to the relief of everything even REMOTELY male in the vicinity and to the disappointment of everything REMOTELY female in the vicinity) put on the rabbit costume, and crouched down, putting his hands in front of him like they were paws, and proceeded to make rabbit-ey noises. Yami cackled diabolically.

            "Come, Fluffy! We're off to the mall!" he said, and proudly marched out of the room, followed by a very agitated 'Fluffy'. And all was good. Mokuba followed Yami and 'Fluffy', taking snapshots fervently and with much vigor. 'He he he...blackmail is GOOD!'