Disclaimer: All characters in this story are owned by DC comics. The idea of this story is owned by whoever own Monty Python. I'm writing this because I love Batman and Monty Python, not for profit. . .and because I have a few hours to kill.
It's Dead or The Batty Python Parrot Sketch
By The Seitz
Wayne Manor:

*Cassandra Sits in the media room watching Jean Claude Van Dam movies and laughing uncontrollably. (Those movies have that affect on my too.) Tim enters, holding a large bird cage.*

TIM: Cass?

CASS: Yeah?

TIM: We have a small problem.

CASS: What problem?

TIM: Well, remember when I sent you out with a hundred dollars and told you to pick up a present for Bruce?

CASS: Yes. Bought Parrot.

TIM: Right, well Cass, there's a small problem with the Parrot.

CASS: What wrong with it?

TIM: I'll tell you what's wrong with it Cass. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

CASS: Is not.

TIM: What?

CASS: Not dead. Resting.

TIM: Cass, I know a dead Parrot when I see one. *holds up cage* And I'm looking at one right now.

CASS: Not Dead! Resting! Parrot is pretty. Has pretty feathers!

TIM: It's feathers have noting to do with this! Cassandra, it's stone dead!

CASS: Not dead. Is resting.

TIM: Fine! If he's resting I'll wake him up! Hey parrot! Wake up! I've got a nice fresh banana for you!

CASS: *Taps cage* There. Moved.

TIM: No he didn't! You hit the cage!

CASS: Did not!

TIM: Yes you did! You hit the cage!

CASS: Never did!

TIM: *Reaches into cage and pulls out parrot, which is stiff as a board. Tim holds the bird up to his mouth* HELLO PARROT! WAKEY WAKEEEEYYY! THIS IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK CALLING!!! *Thumps parrots head against wall* before throwing the bird back in its cage and slamming the door.* Now that's a bout the deadest parrot I ever saw.

CASS: Is stunned.


CASS: Parrot was waking up! Then you yell, now is stunned. Parrot stuns easy!

TIM: Don't play little miss trickster with me Cassandra, that Parrot is defiantly dead. Heck it wasn't moving when you brought it back here, but I trusted you when you told me it was because the Parrot was tired after a long "squawk!"

CASS: Is probably quiet cause it misses home!

TIM: Misses home? Cass, what are you talking about?! Why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it down to the cave?

CASS: Likes sleeping on back!

TIM: Listen to me Cass. I looked the bird over when I got down there, and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was because *someone* had nailed its feet there!

CASS: Had to nail it. Strong Parrot, if I no nail it down, parrot would bend bars apart with beak and the voom!

TIM: Voom?

CASS: Voom.

TIM: Cassandra, that bird wouldn't "voom" is we hooked it up to the battery in the Batmobile! Its *dead!*

CASS: Not dead! Resting!

TIM: It's not resting Cass! It's passed on. It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to Parrot Heaven!

CASS: Parrot heaven?

TIM: It's a stiff Cass! Bereft of life! It rest's in piece, hell, if you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would pushing up the daisies. It's off the twig, cold in his tootsies, you know, shuffled off the mortal coil!

CASS: Parrot no have any "tootsies."

TIM: How can I make this any clearer?! The parrot ran down the curtain and joined the choir in heaven! The parrot has FUCKING snuffed it!


TIM: What are we going to do?

CASS: Don't know.

TIM: We have to get it replaced.

CASS: Can't.

TIM: Why not?

CASS: Was last Parrot. Only have a slug.

TIM: A slug?

CASS: Yeah. I checked.

TIM: Does it talk?

CASS: Don't know. We go check?

TIM: Sure.